Younger children turning on me.

I think the eldest was rightly prioritised given she was the receiving end of their unkind behaviour.

I'm confused, so the 'angst' and risk of upset of everything was worth denying and refusing a relationship for the younger sisters with their paternal family, and everyone was oh so awful to the eldest.
But the youngest being upset at this is ridiculous and they just need to get over it and their being upset still makes the eldest your golden child victim in it all?
The eldest seems to have been prioritised for years! What happened at the 16th birthday, did you have grandchild with you and make the day all about eldest and them?

I'd also say try not to panic too much and let all this ominous 'your children have decided!' 'Your chickens have come home to roost!' drama worry you. Your children are teens, very taken at present with the novelty of their shiny other family. They're also at an age where they're predisposed to blame you for everything. If your relationship with them has been strong over the years, you're not going to be dead to them over a new and exciting friendship with a cousin. If they're blananced girls, in time they'll start to reflect on the unpleasantness dished out about the mum they presumably love. Your in laws don't sound the nicest of people so in time when the novelty wears off they may well think differently. Explain yourself if you wish but no need to fall on your sword.

She couldn’t force her in laws to consider her eldest their grandchild (she isn’t), so she deprived her youngest of having a relationship with them. What’s that resulted in? A bad relationship with her youngest children who blame and resent her for it, and two siblings estranged from the third. Not sure how that’s a fantastic outcome tbh

Yep. Basically the younger children were punished for their grandparents' action. You decided to punch down rather than up. Your younger ones lost out on a set of grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins, because instead of trying to work positively on that side of the family, you decided to do the mumsnet favourite and go no contact.

Yes I get that you felt angry, yes I get that they weren't being fair. But rather than address it and try to build their relationship with her, you knocked down your younger children's chance to know them.
Your DH shouldn't have let you do that, but you were the decision maker. You need to talk to your the younger ones, explain, and apologise. But for goodness sake don't give them more reason to blame their older sister.

My teens have been furious over the smallest of things over the years or any perceived injustice. They are hard wired to make mountains out of molehills. Now they are older they cringe at all the angst and hand wringing, it’s just part of growing up and establishing independence. Just nod along op, and remind them they can choose now.

I know adults that have had this issue arise in their own families, and the impact has been felt long beyond the teen years. Wanting it to be a storm in a teacup doesn’t mean it is one.

Yes, OP can tell herself she’s right all she likes, she just may find that to be cold comfort when faced with the real life consequences.

Stop being such a drama lama. Clearly you don’t have teens. They feel passionate about all sorts until they don’t anymore. Op should rise above this overreaction, and remember she did the right thing. The sister relationship is typical of teen girls. Honestly you are over thinking this. It will blow over in no time.

That did wonders for the sisterly relationships between them, didn’t it?

The in-laws weren’t willing to be dictated to by OP. Ironically neither are her daughters now. She doesn’t have to do anything but live with the consequences of the decisions she’s made, whether she likes them or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

her youngest daughters have their own perspectives and opinions, as they’re fully entitled to have. Not being wrong in her own eyes does not mean she’s not wrong in theirs (whether you or OP like and approve or not!). Pretending otherwise isn’t exactly going to help repair the damaged relationships here.

Don’t be so black and white. Op can acknowledge the situation wasn’t ideal for anyone, and the dc are welcome to have relationships with the in laws if they wish with her blessing, but she does not have to apologise for ensuring that all children are treated with kindness and inclusiveness. The in laws could have changed their behaviour, but choose not to, so it didn’t mean that much to them did it!

Agree with this. You did your best, with good intentions. Try not to take it to heart - at that age, daughters can be very critical of their mother and not big on nuance.

Exactly

He worked socks off and felt he didn’t have energy to take his own kids to his parents. He feels I should have done more to facilitate the relationship

This is a massive cop out by the DH. What kind of waster is too tired to see his mother and expects his wife to facilitate it. I'm team OP, I totally understand why you made the choices you did OP.

Also, why does youngest think eldest is "an embarrassment"?

Unmarried single mother with some dodgy relationships behind her?

You can please some of the people, some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time. You can't change the past. You made choices based on protecting your eldest. Your husband made choices based on protecting his own energy levels. Your SiL made choices based on prioritising the younger two children. Whenever there is more than one child to think about, it is impossible to make all of your decisions agreeable to all parties. You can't undo it, so move forward. At 18 and 20, they are old enough to take charge of their own relationships with your in-laws. What is stopping them doing that now?

Also, why does youngest think eldest is "an embarrassment"?

So your middle daughter has found her cousin, gets on really well with her and laments the missed years of not being able to grow up together and have those fantastic cousin relationships.

You can't turn back the clock unfortunately. What is done is done.

Do you have any siblings yourself? Did your DC have cousins on your side of the family? Or have they had no cousins at all?

In my opinion you made the wrong choice. You 'decided not to split them up' yet the split is clearly there. You can't guarantee that siblings will let each other and now there is something else to poison the relationship between your eldest and the younger two.

FWIW I was your eldest. My DF's inlaws were lovely with me and I was welcomed as family, but not as their grandchild, because I wasn't.

I can't work out if your DH initially wanted to take the younger two when he visited his family, you didn't want to split them so he didn't - in which case you need to apologise to your younger two, or if your DH just chose to go alone in which case the onus is on him.

No, they don’t need to agree with OP because you think they should.

OP can stick to her guns and ignore the feelings of her younger children if she wants. It’s up to her if ‘being right’ is more important to her than having a good relationship with two of her children. Like I said, she’s the one that has to live with it.

The dc need to grow up and learn a thing or two about emotional intelligence.

The in laws are unkind and disgusting for mistreating a small child. If the dc want to pursue a relationship with people like that, that’s up to them, op doesn’t need to go along with it!

Your in-laws sound pretty terrible and it seems like they are poisoning your youngest 2. To me, it seems like this dynamic of manipulation and favoritism and victim blaming is all on the in-laws and it's a shame your young 2 DDs can't see how messed up this is. But, they are young and likely eat up the idea of 'poor me' that a lot of young people employ. They seem to have zero empathy for their oldest sister and that's too bad. Does DD1 have feelings about this or are you trying to shelter her? Ugh, so sorry about your youngest DD's behavior. Sounds like DH should have a convo w/ his two youngest and explicitly explain how his family caused this and you are not to blame.

I agree with this.

Ah yes, because ‘it’s just in-laws, who cares’ definitely solves OP’s issues. And actually they’re the daughters grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins - family members they want to be close to.

Clearly it’s a big enough deal to them, given the impact it’s had and is having on their relationships with their sister and mother. You can’t assume they’ll come around to OP’s way of thinking either.

Plenty of children in blended families can indeed understand that they don’t all have the same family members in common.

This all feels overdramatic to me!

Are you telling the OP she doesn’t need to interact with her youngest two children?
I’d say ride the storm, OP. There may be a period of rage, indiscriminate blame and distancing by your children, but keep the door open and a light in the window. If you want them back, you need to put your personal desires on the back burner and understand how they feel, however unfair you feel it is.
Or move on, accept fate and focus on your eldest and your grandchildren.

Also if the biological family were that bothered about having a relationship with their nieces and nephews, why couldn't they be magnanimous enough to embrace all three?
I absolutely would have done the same as you op, the in laws don't sound like very nice people imo

They are just in laws! No big deal. certainly not worth all of this Angst. Teenagers are known to make issues about all sorts. They can take it up with their father if they have a problem. He could have made the effort, but didn’t.

Treating children differently is unacceptable in my circles. Unthinkable. No wonder blended families struggle so much if people think this is in any way acceptable. It’s not. Young children can not be expected to understand the reasons and biology for the their poor treatment and can be very hurt and damaged through no fault of their own.

How anyone could treat a child differently to their siblings over a matter of biology is beyond me! Why make any child feel less important just to make the point that they are not biologically related!
And to all those asking if doing so would make them a cunt then my answer is yes, it absolutely makes you a cunt!

How anyone could treat a child differently to their siblings over a matter of biology is beyond me! Why make any child feel less important just to make the point that they are not biologically related!
And to all those asking if doing so would make them a cunt then my answer is yes, it absolutely makes you a cunt!