Page 6 | Younger children turning on me.

SlothsRUs · 2023-11-13T18:01:51+00:00

I feel my whole world fell apart at the weekend my middle daughter turned on me followed by youngest and totally supported by husband. They accused me of sabotaging their relationship with husband’s family, something I absolutely refute. I do admit that I stopped ‘facilitating’ the relationship because the behaviour of the in-laws had a negative impact on my eldest daughter from a previous relationship. All this came about when middle daughter started spending time with DH’s niece who teaches at adjoining uni to the one Middle daughter started at last year. She told MD that I stopped them having a relationship. In-laws were always nice to my eldest one but there was different treatment to the other grandchildren so it was difficult to go round there. There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated. SiL always asked to have younger ones but not eldest in spite of having kids same age as eldest. It was easier to leave all three with my mother but husband suggested we split them and I always refused. He was lovely to my eldest though. When BiL car back to England his eldest handed camera to my eldest to take photos of the ‘real’ cousins. Eldest is now single parent and has had unsuccessful attempts to form relationships with her father. My husband could always have ensured they saw that side but he tended to go alone after work. Youngest daughter said my eldest was an embarrassment. Don’t know how to move forward. Middle one gone back to uni after reading week.

Original poster

SlothsRUs · 14/11/2023 16:21

@MichelleScarn
Oh she doesn’t. I don’t want her to know. Someone asked up thread if she knew.

OP posts:

OhmygodDont · 14/11/2023 16:17

I mean you “protected” your oldest at the expense of your younger children having a good normal relationship with their families. Who’s failure was not treating your oldest as if she was their grandchild but yet did still buy her gifts just not as big or expensive or fancy.

Some of that protection could have been sitting down with your oldest and explaining in age appropriate terms why these adults treating dd2 and dd3 this way. That it’s not a reflection of her as a person it’s just they are not her grandparents.

Also the whole flower girl thing with that age gap I’m not shocked it was the younger two and not the oldest you just threw your toys out of the pram that’s all.

Blended families very rarely work for every member involved.

MichelleScarn · 14/11/2023 16:14

I am still going to see middle one next week as the outburst was so seismic we need to reconnect and will do the same with youngest. Eldest knows nothing about this.

Why does your eldest have to know?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 14/11/2023 16:01

I think OP was trying to keep all three children as equal family members, but in-laws wouldn't.
Younger two are old enough to hear and understand that. They sound awful in attitude toward oldest half sister.

Original poster

SlothsRUs · 14/11/2023 16:01

My mother is not the spoiling type.

My eldest had no treat days with her father. Probably seen him to my knowledge, about four times.

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 14/11/2023 16:00

Pooooochi · 13/11/2023 19:27

Why couldn’t all three kids have been flower girls, if they were that bothered? Why did your husband’s family not make the same effort to treat the three young siblings the same? Can’t fathom how a group of adults would not include all 3 children equally

A relative of mine included a step niece in a wedding party

The relationship broke down 3 years later, and what little bond there was between extended family and the step child rapidly dissipated. My cousin now regrets this as there's the random unrelated child scattered through her family wedding photos.

It matters because biological relationships tend to be maintained where relationships break down, the non biological kind simply don't. It's not the same and people don't feel a connection "forever" in the same way they do with biologically relatives.

Weird. My stepchildren have been a part of the extended family for over twelve years now. I'm glad noone thought to leave them in case the relationship were to break down in some mythical time in the future

margotrose · 14/11/2023 15:58

In those days work would have a dinner dance in Park Lane, would people genuinely have sent the younger two to a house where they would have been spoiled and sent the eldest one to be on her own at my mother’s? I couldn’t.

Of course. Surely your eldest would have loved some alone time with her grandma, doing stuff without two younger siblings hanging around? And your youngest two could have then had quality time with their grandparents too.

Still, it's done now. You can't worry about what you could have done.

notlucreziaborgia · 14/11/2023 15:56

SlothsRUs · 14/11/2023 15:36

In those days work would have a dinner dance in Park Lane, would people genuinely have sent the younger two to a house where they would have been spoiled and sent the eldest one to be on her own at my mother’s? I couldn’t.

This issue didn’t dominate our life together. I don’t think the younger two actively pined for the in-laws growing up. They did see them a few times a year but with eldest present as well.

Eldest’s father had other priorities. Would send money via my mother, generous amounts but inconsistent. Eldest initiated contact when she was thirteen. A few meet-ups but nothing significant. He took her to meet his mother a couple of times but no further contact.

Someone asked about my siblings. Younger brother with two much younger sons.

I don’t recognise making my daughter a golden child but accept that is how it might come across to strangers on the net.

If your eldest daughter had involved paternal grandparents I doubt you would have expected them to consider your youngest children to be their grandchildren, or sent them with her when she visited. The same applies here - they weren’t unkind to her, but they didn’t consider her to be their grandchild. She wasn’t and isn’t. It wasn’t the responsibility of your in laws to make up for the failings of her paternal family, and it wasn’t fair to deny your youngest children opportunities to spend time with their family to spare the feelings of your eldest. They had and have feelings that matter too.

MargaretThursday · 14/11/2023 15:54

In those days work would have a dinner dance in Park Lane, would people genuinely have sent the younger two to a house where they would have been spoiled and sent the eldest one to be on her own at my mother’s? I couldn’t.

I could. Why would the younger two have been spoiled and not the oldest? Just as likely the younger two would have had a quiet sleepover with their cousin and the oldest would have been spoilt by your mother.
Mine would have all felt they got the better deal as the one on their own. In fact I have done similar with mine (all full siblings) where one has gone to one relative, and other two have gone to another.

I can see why the resentment is there. I suspect that what's happened here they're now realising all the times they were invited/asked and you turned them down.
You focus seems to be the times when the other two got something and the eldest was upset. Why didn't you smooth it over? They got £20 on holiday, "oh oldest, I have £20 for you too."
Middle one asked to do drinks, ask the oldest to help you with something.
ou assume it was because he wanted to separate the two from each other-that's an assumption, it may be because the middle one had offered earlier, or he knew she was more careful, or simply she caught his eye at the right time.

If you want to move forward, then you need to acknowledge that what you did was hurtful to the younger ones. Without using "but" or "I did it for the best" or "maybe" or "but your sister". If you don't acknowledge that you hurt them, albeit inadvertently, you are refusing to accept that they have a right to be upset.
What can seem small can also cause family rifts, and generally it's the refusal to admit that something has hurt that makes it blow up.

Original poster

SlothsRUs · 14/11/2023 15:51

I don’t really have anything else to say.

I am still going to see middle one next week as the outburst was so seismic we need to reconnect and will do the same with youngest. Eldest knows nothing about this.

I don’t want to appear stupid by being an apologist for my in-laws but I don’t think it was a case of trying to exclude eldest more about wanting to treat their grandchildren… I accept outcome was the same.

They simply didn’t see her as a grandchild, I can’t imagine them sitting there cooking up ways to exclude.

Thank you. My first post and it’s done me good.

OP posts:

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 14/11/2023 15:50

Agree your update shows you prioritise eldest.
This issue didn’t dominate our life together. I don’t think the younger two actively pined for the in-laws growing up. They did see them a few times a year but with eldest present as well.

So they never got to see their paternal family without eldest?
Did younger 2 get to go out for the treat trips with eldest and her father, get given a share of the money he gave? Am sure you kicked off that he didn't give them money as well as it wouldn't be fair otherwise?

SeulementUneFois · 14/11/2023 15:48

But surely if the two would be spoilt by their grandparents would the eldest not have the same from her grandmother, your mum?

NorthStarRising · 14/11/2023 15:46

I don’t recognise making my daughter a golden child but accept that is how it might come across to strangers on the net.

How do you think your younger two see things? Why do you think they are cross with you?

Namenamchange · 14/11/2023 15:40

Eldest’s father had other priorities. Would send money via my mother, generous amounts but inconsistent. - what happened with the money? Was it added to the family pot or spent on eldest?

I think if your dd had had a better relationship with her dads family things would have been different between you and your in laws.

HikingforScenery · 14/11/2023 15:38

It sounds like you were overcompensating with your eldest because her dad was sent around. You ended up affecting them all but what’s done is done.

Your children will forgive you. They’re old enough to forge the relationships now.

Your dh should absolutely have fostered the relationship between his family and his daughters so he needs to own that. He probably did that for an easy life too.

starlightcan · 14/11/2023 15:38

SlothsRUs · 14/11/2023 15:36

In those days work would have a dinner dance in Park Lane, would people genuinely have sent the younger two to a house where they would have been spoiled and sent the eldest one to be on her own at my mother’s? I couldn’t.

This issue didn’t dominate our life together. I don’t think the younger two actively pined for the in-laws growing up. They did see them a few times a year but with eldest present as well.

Eldest’s father had other priorities. Would send money via my mother, generous amounts but inconsistent. Eldest initiated contact when she was thirteen. A few meet-ups but nothing significant. He took her to meet his mother a couple of times but no further contact.

Someone asked about my siblings. Younger brother with two much younger sons.

I don’t recognise making my daughter a golden child but accept that is how it might come across to strangers on the net.

People are projecting.

Original poster

SlothsRUs · 14/11/2023 15:36

In those days work would have a dinner dance in Park Lane, would people genuinely have sent the younger two to a house where they would have been spoiled and sent the eldest one to be on her own at my mother’s? I couldn’t.

This issue didn’t dominate our life together. I don’t think the younger two actively pined for the in-laws growing up. They did see them a few times a year but with eldest present as well.

Eldest’s father had other priorities. Would send money via my mother, generous amounts but inconsistent. Eldest initiated contact when she was thirteen. A few meet-ups but nothing significant. He took her to meet his mother a couple of times but no further contact.

Someone asked about my siblings. Younger brother with two much younger sons.

I don’t recognise making my daughter a golden child but accept that is how it might come across to strangers on the net.

OP posts:

starlightcan · 14/11/2023 15:36

FiL once asked middle daughter to help him make drinks to separate her from the older one, the following week when we were on holiday she produced 2 £20 notes that he had given her for her and youngest making eldest miserable on holiday.

They honestly sound like complete weirdos. Why were they so determined to make a point of singling one child out.

Why anyone would be so determined to exclude a child is beyond me.

margotrose · 14/11/2023 15:23

TBH your update makes it even more clear that you prioritised your eldest. I don't think you did it maliciously, but more to try and compensate for the fact that her paternal family weren't around.

Like you say, you did it for an easy life and now it's come to bite you on the bum somewhat, but your husband could have done a lot more than he did, so please don't let them put all the blame on you.

billy1966 · 14/11/2023 15:14

@NorthStarRising that is a good in hindsight analysis but where was her father in all of this?

He wasn't putting himself out.

In the moment it is understandable to see the unfairness in bright lights.

The in laws weren't awful but the point was made often enough for it to hurt.

These are children after all, and to be made to feel less than is very hurtful.

It is a regular theme on MN though.

WhichEllie · 14/11/2023 15:13

With your latest update it really does sound like you just prioritized your eldest and her feelings over everything else. Of course that was going to cause resentment in the younger two. Rather than encouraging the eldest constantly stewing and being “miserable” about things it would have been better to start explaining to her about the different sets of grandparents/family as soon as she was old enough to start to understand. Especially since you said they always treated her nicely, they simply didn’t treat her as their biological grandchild/niece.

Obviously that’s all moot now, but I think it does at least give you an idea of where to start with the younger two. Acknowledging that you were wrong is a big start and is probably something that they need to hear from you. Hearing them out without trying to argue points with them or justify things will also help. It will be a long process to repair things though.

billy1966 · 14/11/2023 15:07

Sounds like you were doing your best OP.

How convenient for your husband now to side against you on this.

Apologise for your mistakes that were made with the best of intentions.

I wouldn't be looking at my husband the same though.

You daughter sounds like a right piece of work calling her older sibling an embarrassment and having a go at you.

Give her LOTS of space.

Original poster

SlothsRUs · 14/11/2023 14:55

Thank you for all the responses. I don’t feel that I have adequately conveyed the nuance of what has happened over the years.

When I met my husband my daughter was three. My in-laws already had 4 grandchildren so were established in their roles so while they were always pleasant I don’t feel that they felt the ‘desire’ to grandparent my daughter.

So for example at Christmas my child would be given a nice enough present if we were going to see them. Absolutely nothing if not.

When youngest came along I naively thought that she would be seen as a full sibling but she wasn’t. She was never maltreated as someone suggested earlier. If she were the other two would have supported my stance but the in-laws were always pleasant but the disparity caused my eldest upset.

This upset made life difficult. Sister-in-law lived in London and would just invite the younger ones so the cousins could know one another but this left eldest upset. If we needed childcare I wasn’t willing to split my children up.

The younger two did see their grandparents (and the others) occasionally. FiL once asked middle daughter to help him make drinks to separate her from the older one, the following week when we were on holiday she produced 2 £20 notes that he had given her for her and youngest making eldest miserable on holiday.

The girls are not estranged and get on well with the younger two falling out with each other more than either of them with eldest.

Someone asked about the TK Max debacle. I was with all of my daughters and my eldest daughter’s two children.

The niece is BiL’s daughter not SiL’s, I think that she has been quite factual.

FiL is now dead and eldest wasn’t mentioned at funeral and SiL texted middle daughter to say that she and youngest were to go in funeral car.

Well I did what I did probably for an easier life not foreseeing the consequences which have really affected me and them.

OP posts:

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 14/11/2023 13:57

Absolutely @NorthStarRising and you find this family do want to see you, but all your mum and elder sister focus on is 'its not faaaiir, eldest wasn't given big enough presents or asked to be a flower girl decades ago. THATS what's important here!!'

NorthStarRising · 14/11/2023 13:41

An adult might rationalise giving preference to the eldest, but if you are 7 and your 14 year old sister gets priority most of the time, and you feel you are cut off from your father’s family and miss out on aunties and grandparents and cousins because of your sister…and your 5 year old sister feels the same…
Then it’s understandable where the resentment comes from.
Then you are 14, she’s 21 and buggering around being free and independent and having relationships and later on a baby…and you still don’t get to see your family of have those relationships.
Then you’re an adult, find your cousin and like them a lot and you realise all the years of friendship you’ve missed out on.
Because of your mum
And her daughter
And her grandchild.
And you are even more pissed off.

And neither your mum or your half sister seem to care about your feelings at all, but your newly discovered family do, and pile on the emotional support.
At 18 and 20, they are still very young and perhaps volatile in their emotions and responses.They may take a while to get their heads around past events, if ever.