Younger children turning on me.

They bought big presents for their grandchildren and a smaller one for a child who isn't related to them in any way. That's normal, it's not unkind.

People who wanted to spend their money on their grandchildren, and were kind enough to get their half sister a present as well.

You and I have very different ideas of kindness. What kind of person buys big presents for everybody but one child?

I genuinely don't know how you navigate this, and it's why I never had a partner until mine were very much older.

My kids have 3 step siblings, I have 3, my partner has 2. Are all the adults in the intersections of their lives supposed to treat them like full family members? How would that work? I want to leave my assets to my own children - I'm not leaving anything to my partner's two, nor is he leaving anything to mine. Surely by some of the logic here that's unfair, we should be splitting what we have 5 ways not 3 and 2?

What about my ex - he's leaving his three kids his assets. Should he be leaving it divided by 6 because step siblings?

I don't particularly know my brother's step children. I see them once in a blue moon. But I am much closer to my niece and nephew. Shouldn't I see my niece and nephew. unless their step siblings come too? Why can't I have an independent relationship with my brother's children?

I don't think they were unkind.

This is the issue with blending families - you can't make people treat your children the same way they treat their own biological relatives.

At the end of the day, two little girls missed out on a relationship with their extended family over this.That's really sad.

Not in the eyes of her children, who did and do want a relationship with their family. That’s more important than what OP wanted or wants.

I disagree - I wouldn’t want any of my children near such unkind people. It’s a reasonable precaution to hold such people at arms length.

It’s almost like MN is more than one person

I think you can only say you did your best. She was only 3 when you met DH, I think to treat her differently in any way was unkind. No win situation for you.

I'm quite aghast reading this. It seems on Mumsnet that people think step mothers do not have to treat step children as their own and are expected to do little parenting of them but somehow extended family have to treat all children the same irrespective of whether they're biologically related or not. The mind boggles.

It's not the fault of her younger siblings that her dad wasn't around, though.

I know what you're saying, but that's for the adults to deal with, it shouldn't be the case that two small children have to make sacrifices as a result.

I’m the older sibling here with younger half sibling and deadbeat donor/donor family and still think the op fucked up.

I knew my siblings family where his side not mine I still got gifts but I wasn’t raised with the entitlement or expectation that a family not my own should treat me exactly the same as one of their own.

It wasn’t the fault or responsibility of the in laws either.

OP prioritised the feelings of her eldest over those of her younger two. Unfortunately that’s had a negative impact on her relationship with them. However good her intentions, that’s someone she’s now having to deal with, and live with.

It's not their fault. But op was in an impossible position.

Unless you have been in this situation then you cannot understand. When you have a child with an absent parent you will shield them from more trauma.

The in laws should have made more of an effort.

That’s not their fault, or something they should be held responsible for compensating for.

Its not the younger twos fault the oldest dad/family are deadbeats as a parent/grandparents/aunties and uncles.

But they are the ones who paid the price for it by not being allowed their normal family relationship with a family who wanted them.

They did have something the eldest didn't have.

A father in their lives. Whilst they are throwing a strip over being flower girls. People are underestimating the damage of being rejected by a parent.

Why should the eldest have had to have her face rubbed in it repeatedly?

Why does your youngest say your eldest was an embarrassment? That's a cruel thing to say.

I think you were in a no win situation. If you'd stood by and repeatedly let your eldest feel pushed out, it could well be her now accusing you of things. Saying that you should never have remarried and that her younger siblings were favoured.

It sounds like you tried to protect your immediate family unit which has sadly caused resentment from the two youngest.

What could have in fact resolved this, would have been if your in laws made an effort to appear equal.

Why should they? People might ask. To save a child's feelings.

I don’t want to appear stupid by being an apologist for my in-laws but I don’t think it was a case of trying to exclude eldest more about wanting to treat their grandchildren… I accept outcome was the same.

Sorry OP but I think you're being a bit disingenuous here. It wasn't just about the grandparents was it? There was the flower girl incident and not wanting your eldest to go to your mum's while the others went somewhere else.

You were so determined that your eldest shouldn't be disadvantaged or treated less favourably, to the point where you deprived the younger two of opportunities they should rightfully have had. In that sense you prioritised the eldest over the younger ones consistently. FWIW yes I do think the younger ones have a valid reason to feel that you let them down.

It's too late now but your approach should have been one of supporting the eldest through the differences, not making sure the younger ones never had anything the eldest couldnt have.

I'd want to know if my younger sisters thought I was a failure and pretty much hated me so I could cut them off! Can't stand 2 faced people.

Why would it have been 'too difficult' for 5 and 2 yo to be flower girls.
Most likely have walked down the aisle with older bridesmaid and looked cute in photos.
11 yo would have been with you and dh.
Did 11 yo want to be a flower girl?

I understand you op.

You did what you felt was best at the time. My eldest has no contact with his father. I would not stand by and watch him be blatantly treated differently.

People can say whatever they want but until you've been in this situation you cannot understand.

No decent mother will sit by on Christmas day and watch her youngest children be spoiled rotten whilst their eldest gets a token gift. Or split them up because eldest isn't invited.

You did what you thought was best for them all, at the time. There was no malice in it. I was never in that particular situation, when my children were young, but when my adult children complain about the way I treated them, in awkward situations, I always say that I was doing my best for them at the time. There are 2 step children in my wider family now, and we, as a family have always tried to treat them the same as all the other children, so there was no awkwardness or any question of parents having to limit visits etc.

This is a case of the law of unintended consequences, that can sometimes happen in life.

Your inlaws may not have intended to be thoughtless towards your eldest, but they were.

When we have children, their pain hurts us deeply and you felt your daughters "otherness" acutely, and acted upon it as best you thought at the time.

It's good you are going to speak to your daughters.

Have a word with that husband of yours who was so quick to throw you under a bus....I would be SO pissed off over that, so disloyal of him.

If and when your daughters have children of their own, they will likely understand your position better.

A similar situation is how different families approach adoption within the wider family.

Some view the new baby as absolutely like a full family member or as my colleague was deeply hurt to hear, her MIL refer to her SIL's pregnancy, as her first "real" grandchild.

She never said a word but it absolutely cut her to the wick.
Her MIL didn't expect her to overhear and was apparently a kind woman, and ultimately that was how she felt, but words and actions have the power to really wound in such cases.