Page 10 | Younger children turning on me.

SlothsRUs · 2023-11-13T18:01:51+00:00

I feel my whole world fell apart at the weekend my middle daughter turned on me followed by youngest and totally supported by husband. They accused me of sabotaging their relationship with husband’s family, something I absolutely refute. I do admit that I stopped ‘facilitating’ the relationship because the behaviour of the in-laws had a negative impact on my eldest daughter from a previous relationship. All this came about when middle daughter started spending time with DH’s niece who teaches at adjoining uni to the one Middle daughter started at last year. She told MD that I stopped them having a relationship. In-laws were always nice to my eldest one but there was different treatment to the other grandchildren so it was difficult to go round there. There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated. SiL always asked to have younger ones but not eldest in spite of having kids same age as eldest. It was easier to leave all three with my mother but husband suggested we split them and I always refused. He was lovely to my eldest though. When BiL car back to England his eldest handed camera to my eldest to take photos of the ‘real’ cousins. Eldest is now single parent and has had unsuccessful attempts to form relationships with her father. My husband could always have ensured they saw that side but he tended to go alone after work. Youngest daughter said my eldest was an embarrassment. Don’t know how to move forward. Middle one gone back to uni after reading week.

PerfectPenquins · 13/11/2023 19:57

No way are you wrong. In my family, we don't treat kids differently, and it's a blooming big family. Related or not, kids are kids. Adults should know and do better.
However, your younger 2 have grown up to be little brats. What on earth is wrong with them to be so vicious to your eldest, their sister?
I wouldn't be standing for that at all. If lay it out clear that you wanted the kids to be treated the same, and that was all. They can do what they like now they are adults, but they do not get to bully their sister.
Honestly it's ridiculous, even other adults such as the cousin aren't taking responsibility for trying to treat the eldest kid different, either she's a part of the family (which is through marriage) or none of them are.

WhichEllie · 13/11/2023 19:56

SlothsRUs · 13/11/2023 19:43

Ok I have a terrible headache. I think I am going to go up to see my middle daughter next week and simply say that I did my best with the cards that were dealt.
As for my husband, he is a decent bloke. I think we got into routines with the in-laws which just became entrenched and time flew and the kids are the age they are now.

When youngest was 16 we went to the cinema, a pizza and nipped to TK Max in Charing Cross Road. I came out and literally collided with this bearded man carrying an instrument when I looked up his face started to crumble and it was my eldest’s dad! He didn’t even know he was a grandfather!

My youngest thinks this incident ruined her birthday and brought this up yesterday.

My eldest had a few unsuitable relationships and stayed out maybe twice. Typical teenage stuff. The other two paint her as the devil incarnate. She has a degree, works for a charity and is doing ok.

That story doesn’t really make sense. Did you also have your grandchild with you but forgot to write that? So he saw the grandchild and was surprised? Or did you just bump into him and immediately leapt to tell him about the grandchild he didn’t know he had? If it was either of those I can understand why your youngest felt that her birthday had been spoiled. If it was the latter, there was no need to tell him anything as it wasn’t really your concern. If it was the former, surely you could have spent her birthday with her alone and not had your grandchild along too.

I agree with a previous poster that it sounds like you have always heavily favoured your eldest and it has caused massive resentment from the younger two. That could certainly cause them to paint her in a dim light the way you describe as well.

SpoonyBitchell · 13/11/2023 19:56

Ponoka7 · 13/11/2023 18:52

I've seen this time and time again (I'm 55) and I think that it is unfair on the children who are biologically related to the father's family. You've prioritised your eldest, rather than explain why she is treated differently and help her to get over it. However I do agree that your DH should have taken over, gone to the wedding etc. Unless you didn't allow that. You were wrong to not let them be split. I've formed relationships with children who aren't biologically related and it's been a big loss when I am no longer allowed contact (because of a split) so I don't blame anyone for not creating a boundary. You've got to own what you did and admit you made the wrong decision.

I agree.

GrumpyOldCrone · 13/11/2023 19:53

I think it’s shockingly poor form to give more presents to some children than others on Christmas Day.

Original poster

SlothsRUs · 13/11/2023 19:51

I don’t think they were spoilt. They both work very hard. Ironically my husband, in terms of taste has more in common with eldest. He goes to play with grandkids and looks after them on his own.
I keep thinking I am imagining this nightmare. It was awful.

OP posts:

starlightcan · 13/11/2023 19:45

SlothsRUs · 13/11/2023 19:43

Ok I have a terrible headache. I think I am going to go up to see my middle daughter next week and simply say that I did my best with the cards that were dealt.
As for my husband, he is a decent bloke. I think we got into routines with the in-laws which just became entrenched and time flew and the kids are the age they are now.

When youngest was 16 we went to the cinema, a pizza and nipped to TK Max in Charing Cross Road. I came out and literally collided with this bearded man carrying an instrument when I looked up his face started to crumble and it was my eldest’s dad! He didn’t even know he was a grandfather!

My youngest thinks this incident ruined her birthday and brought this up yesterday.

My eldest had a few unsuitable relationships and stayed out maybe twice. Typical teenage stuff. The other two paint her as the devil incarnate. She has a degree, works for a charity and is doing ok.

Your younger two sound like they could do with some work on their attitudes. Does your DH spoil them?

Original poster

SlothsRUs · 13/11/2023 19:43

Ok I have a terrible headache. I think I am going to go up to see my middle daughter next week and simply say that I did my best with the cards that were dealt.
As for my husband, he is a decent bloke. I think we got into routines with the in-laws which just became entrenched and time flew and the kids are the age they are now.

When youngest was 16 we went to the cinema, a pizza and nipped to TK Max in Charing Cross Road. I came out and literally collided with this bearded man carrying an instrument when I looked up his face started to crumble and it was my eldest’s dad! He didn’t even know he was a grandfather!

My youngest thinks this incident ruined her birthday and brought this up yesterday.

My eldest had a few unsuitable relationships and stayed out maybe twice. Typical teenage stuff. The other two paint her as the devil incarnate. She has a degree, works for a charity and is doing ok.

OP posts:

experiential · 13/11/2023 19:42

Theunamedcat · 13/11/2023 19:22

Well they could have treated your eldest better what kind of cunts leave a child out just because they arnt blood related tbh they started this you carried it on and your husband helped he was "too tired" to take his own children to see family after work? Found the energy to visit himself thought didn't he

And your kids can fuck off dragging it up now and dragging their sister because of choices you AND THEIR FATHER made for them as children

Yes, a bit crudely expressed but I do agree with the sentiment.

starlightcan · 13/11/2023 19:39

Maray1967 · 13/11/2023 19:35

I don’t understand this. My mum’s best friend made no difference between her son’s stepdaughter and their biological grandchildren. Just treated them all the same. The child’s father had pushed off and she did not see his family so to my mum’s friend all the children were her grandchildren. I actually think that buying nieces gifts and ignoring the older child is appalling.

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I feel the same. Even if you really do only care about your own blood relations (all a bit medieval bloodlines but ok), making one kid feel left out in your niece/nephew/grandchild’s family home isn’t creating a nice warm experience of the world for them either.

Maray1967 · 13/11/2023 19:35

Pooooochi · 13/11/2023 19:23

The issues at Christmas began before my middle daughter was even born when eldest’s face would literally fall when she saw husband’s nieces ad nephew and everything they had been given by in-laws when she would be given one present. It was difficult.
When FiL’s sister came from Ireland there would be presents for younger two but not eldest. I accept this wasn’t necessarily cruel just thoughtless.

Where were eldests gifts from her own paternal relations? If there weren't any, thats what you should have been working on - the issue is with your eldests family. You can't force a step family to step in because biological relatives have been shit.

I don’t understand this. My mum’s best friend made no difference between her son’s stepdaughter and their biological grandchildren. Just treated them all the same. The child’s father had pushed off and she did not see his family so to my mum’s friend all the children were her grandchildren. I actually think that buying nieces gifts and ignoring the older child is appalling.

AnneElliott · 13/11/2023 19:35

Surely their father could have decided to take them to see his wider family? If not he's decided as well as the op that he didn't want to do that. Not sure why it's OPs sole fault.

starlightcan · 13/11/2023 19:34

Pooooochi · 13/11/2023 19:27

Why couldn’t all three kids have been flower girls, if they were that bothered? Why did your husband’s family not make the same effort to treat the three young siblings the same? Can’t fathom how a group of adults would not include all 3 children equally

A relative of mine included a step niece in a wedding party

The relationship broke down 3 years later, and what little bond there was between extended family and the step child rapidly dissipated. My cousin now regrets this as there's the random unrelated child scattered through her family wedding photos.

It matters because biological relationships tend to be maintained where relationships break down, the non biological kind simply don't. It's not the same and people don't feel a connection "forever" in the same way they do with biologically relatives.

I accept that may be your cousin’s experience, although on a personal level I admit I can’t really understand why someone would be hung up with ‘regret’ over a child in their wedding pictures.

benefitsterrified · 13/11/2023 19:30

If one of my children has a step sibling, am I supposed to divide my estate 4 ways not 3? And if not why not?

benefitsterrified · 13/11/2023 19:28

Theunamedcat · 13/11/2023 19:22

Well they could have treated your eldest better what kind of cunts leave a child out just because they arnt blood related tbh they started this you carried it on and your husband helped he was "too tired" to take his own children to see family after work? Found the energy to visit himself thought didn't he

And your kids can fuck off dragging it up now and dragging their sister because of choices you AND THEIR FATHER made for them as children

I wouldn't get a child that wasn't adopted or a blood relation a present to the same value as what I get my actual nieces and nephews. I also wouldn't overly invest emotionally in them. Been there and got hurt and won't put myself in that position again. not for anyone.

I'd be kind, there would be a present, but they wouldn't get a present to the value of my actual blood or adopted family. And if that makes me a cunt, so be it.

How far out is this treating kids the exact same supposed to go?

Pooooochi · 13/11/2023 19:27

Why couldn’t all three kids have been flower girls, if they were that bothered? Why did your husband’s family not make the same effort to treat the three young siblings the same? Can’t fathom how a group of adults would not include all 3 children equally

A relative of mine included a step niece in a wedding party

The relationship broke down 3 years later, and what little bond there was between extended family and the step child rapidly dissipated. My cousin now regrets this as there's the random unrelated child scattered through her family wedding photos.

It matters because biological relationships tend to be maintained where relationships break down, the non biological kind simply don't. It's not the same and people don't feel a connection "forever" in the same way they do with biologically relatives.

starlightcan · 13/11/2023 19:25

TeaKitten · 13/11/2023 19:22

Clearly it’s an opinion… she’s asking for views on this because of her children’s opinions, if you don’t think those are relevant I can’t imagine you are going to be much help to the OP. Mine and your views never seem to align on threads so I’m not going to reply to you any further, I don’t think it helps anyone.

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I have no idea who you are

starlightcan · 13/11/2023 19:23

Theunamedcat · 13/11/2023 19:22

Well they could have treated your eldest better what kind of cunts leave a child out just because they arnt blood related tbh they started this you carried it on and your husband helped he was "too tired" to take his own children to see family after work? Found the energy to visit himself thought didn't he

And your kids can fuck off dragging it up now and dragging their sister because of choices you AND THEIR FATHER made for them as children

Well they could have treated your eldest better what kind of cunts leave a child out just because they arnt blood related

Exactly! I mean, why would you be so desperate to operate a two tier system

Pooooochi · 13/11/2023 19:23

The issues at Christmas began before my middle daughter was even born when eldest’s face would literally fall when she saw husband’s nieces ad nephew and everything they had been given by in-laws when she would be given one present. It was difficult.
When FiL’s sister came from Ireland there would be presents for younger two but not eldest. I accept this wasn’t necessarily cruel just thoughtless.

Where were eldests gifts from her own paternal relations? If there weren't any, thats what you should have been working on - the issue is with your eldests family. You can't force a step family to step in because biological relatives have been shit.

TeaKitten · 13/11/2023 19:22

starlightcan · 13/11/2023 19:19

Seriously though, how can someone be that het up about who was flower girl at a wedding over a decade ago?

Why does the OP need to be sorry? She had her reasons for her decision at the time. I think the assertion that it was a ‘mistake’ is a matter of opinion.

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Clearly it’s an opinion… she’s asking for views on this because of her children’s opinions, if you don’t think those are relevant I can’t imagine you are going to be much help to the OP. Mine and your views never seem to align on threads so I’m not going to reply to you any further, I don’t think it helps anyone.

Theunamedcat · 13/11/2023 19:22

Well they could have treated your eldest better what kind of cunts leave a child out just because they arnt blood related tbh they started this you carried it on and your husband helped he was "too tired" to take his own children to see family after work? Found the energy to visit himself thought didn't he

And your kids can fuck off dragging it up now and dragging their sister because of choices you AND THEIR FATHER made for them as children

benefitsterrified · 13/11/2023 19:20

Well, her DDs are now saying wtf were you at mother. And so she needs to explain? It isn't fair to do that to kids - they are entitled to a relationship with their wider family, and what the op did in stopping it because they didn't treat her older child the same as their actual grandchildren, is wrong.

did your DH adopt your elder child op?

starlightcan · 13/11/2023 19:19

TeaKitten · 13/11/2023 19:15

Christmas doesn’t excuse declining flower girl invited OP. You need to own your mistakes to your kids and be sorry.

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Seriously though, how can someone be that het up about who was flower girl at a wedding over a decade ago?

Why does the OP need to be sorry? She had her reasons for her decision at the time. I think the assertion that it was a ‘mistake’ is a matter of opinion.

benefitsterrified · 13/11/2023 19:17

Sorry yes,I skim read and see now that the op refused to allow the younger ones to go.

Well op this is on you. And totally on you.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/11/2023 19:16

benefitsterrified · 13/11/2023 19:13

Why didn't your husband take the younger ones if it was so important to him though?

Op says she refused to let him.
So what age were they asked to be flower girls when you refused that?
If youngest were 7 and 5 your eldest would have been 14?

TeaKitten · 13/11/2023 19:15

SlothsRUs · 13/11/2023 19:08

I accept that there were occasions when I preferred to keep all three together rather than split them up leaving my eldest alone with my mother.

The issues at Christmas began before my middle daughter was even born when eldest’s face would literally fall when she saw husband’s nieces ad nephew and everything they had been given by in-laws when she would be given one present. It was difficult.
When FiL’s sister came from Ireland there would be presents for younger two but not eldest. I accept this wasn’t necessarily cruel just thoughtless.

I couldn’t go out with youngest leaving eldest behind. Husband agreed that it was difficult for him as well to do this. He worked socks off and felt he didn’t have energy to take his own kids to his parents. He feels I should have done more to facilitate the relationship and explained to eldest the nature of relationship.
Time has flown and maybe I should have done things differently. Don’t know how to move forward.

Christmas doesn’t excuse declining flower girl invited OP. You need to own your mistakes to your kids and be sorry.