Younger children turning on me.

You were between a rock and a hard place really OP, either your elder child missed out or the younger children missed out. Perhaps tell the middle and younger one that eldest already didn't get to live with or even really see her father, so for her also to be treated as second class by your DH's family was too much for you to cope with - and you'd have done the same if it was one of them that was being left out. As adults they can make their own decisions and relationships but you did the best you could to have them all treated fairly as children.

This. ❤️

I thought you were going somewhere else with this post.

What a huge disappointment to the OP that her younger girls have no loyalty to their sister and don’t see them all as a unit. I say this fully aware that my situation is closer to your older daughter than your younger. I have been in the situation of discovering and forming relationships with relatives that were “kept from me” too. I don’t have siblings.

I profoundly disagree that OP prioritised the elder daughter. She has sought to protect the elder daughter - I dare say if the younger children were being treated badly, she would have done the same to protect them. These girls weren’t banned from seeing their paternal family: they saw them a few times a year. This isn’t uncommon if you live distance away. As someone earlier wrote, if the relationship mattered to the in-laws, it would have been relatively easy to have made this happen - treat the girls equally. OP’s DH could also have done something about this with his own family and chose not to.

I accidentally met a cousin I didnt know I had at 10. We became inseparable for quite a few years. When we first met, I was astonished I didn’t know about her - and my cousin said something brief about why we hadn’t been allowed to meet. I didn’t give my mother any of the grief these girls have given. Instead, I listened to what had happened in the family to cause my not knowing her. My loyalty and trust in my mother - even at 10 - meant I accepted and fully understood and respected the circumstances. It wasn’t the fault of the cousin or me and we moved forward with a new and happy friendship. In fact, when I next met up with the cousin I told her - quietly - what had passed (which involved her grandmother making vocal suppositions about my parenthood when my father ran off and abandoned his wife, my mother whilst she was pregnant.) To my cousin’s eternal credit, she laughed and said “yeah, that does sound actually like my gran. She can be a piece of work.” And we all moved on. She was 11.

When I was 36, and expecting my first child, I met a whole new extension of my family some of whom I am now very close to. I wasn’t furious at my father/ aunt etc for my not having met them. It bought closure to some erroneous thinking and made some things make sense. Instead of looking back and being angry, it brought me peace - and gratitude that we’d all met.

The daughters - and cousin - in this story sound immature, inexperienced and self-absorbed. People and life are complex. People do the best with what they had at the time and your in laws - and husband - had also ample opportunity to flex to build and maintain relationships with your 3 daughters but also chose that maintaining their position of how they wanted to handle things.
This is not a situation solely of OP’s making: her husband and the in-laws all contributed to it. But, in these situations, the person telling the uncomfortable truth about a group dynamic is usually the one hung out to dry.

I don’t know what I would do about this situation, OP, but I’d be pretty fed up with your girls and your husband and I’d be feeling quietly vindicated about the in-laws in the face of this niece’s stirring…
I would tell my girls that I love them. I did what I felt was right for our entire family unit at the time and that of course I wanted them to have a close family relationship. I would try very hard not to run the in-laws down, but would say there were things that did not sit right with me at the time. That I’m sorry they’re hurting and feel they missed out but that the cousin was a child at the time and is only repeating information that is second-hand. They are adults now and can build whatever relationships they choose.
Then I would give space. They will come back to you. Things may well be bumpy for a bit but this happens.
As for your husband, he’d be getting very VERY short shrift from me.
Look after yourself, OP.

Don’t be silly. Everyone does this. You give more to your own kids than your nieces/nephews. You give more to your nieces/nephews than your second cousins. Etc. Why would you give the same to someone else’s grandchildren as your own?

I have a different view from most. My late DM’s close friend treated her SGD exactly the same as the biological DGC. Made no difference between them. That’s how I think it should be done, frankly. I would not subject a child to a Christmas Day gift giving session where she got one gift and the others got piles. No way would I do that.

I don't think this is your fault, and it's a difficult situation to be in. You were trying to protect your eldest daughter from being treated differently. There could have been a discussion about it, not to treat eldest differently. As adults they should have included and treated the eldest sibling the same but I can also understand why they didn't. I think your husband should have made more of an effort to facilitate this relationship and talked to them about including eldest daughter. It's a difficult situation all round but I don't think you should put it all on yourself.

The other side will have their own opinions and its easier to blame you and eldest daughter rather than think your dh could have made an effort too. It's easy for children to get brainwashed into thinking someone is to blame when not. I think other side are putting the blame on you and kids are believing it, unfortunately

It is sad and unfortunate that DD1 didn't have paternal grandparents in her life, but you can't just force or expect other people to take on that role. And it is very wrong to take that relationship away from the younger children to make things "equal".

Prioritised? It is not "prioritising" to allow grandchildren to be treated like grandchildren by their grandparents. It is just the reality of mixed/blended families. Not everyone will have the same relatives.

If OP had let the younger two be prioritised, how would they have felt about their sister being left out? It's horrible to feel favoured, and it's horrible to feel left out.

It's not prioritising the younger two to allow them time with their grandparents, though.

They shouldn't have to miss out on family relationships just because they happen to have a half sister.

But that’s the difference between nuclear and blended families. You can’t force the latter into the mould of the former because that is preferable to you. They’re not the same.

Not all kids with have the same relatives in the common, and the relationships will be different. The youngest children wanted a relationship with their paternal family. Paternal family they don’t share with their eldest sister. That isn’t them being ‘favoured’. OP’s in laws didn’t even treat the eldest daughter unkindly, they just didn’t consider her a granddaughter because she wasn’t/isn’t.

When it was clear that they were not going to see her as full family, you could have explained to her about there being different types of families. But instead, because they did not see and do things your way, your younger children had to miss out on a lot. That was not fair. Both you and your husband did those children wrong.

I completely disagree with this. What was unfair was grown adults putting those three kids in that position. If OP had let the younger two be prioritised, how would they have felt about their sister being left out? It's horrible to feel favoured, and it's horrible to feel left out.

So what has happened between the sisters for them to treat her a 'devil incarnate' @SlothsRUs purely because she's a single mother? Where have they got that belief from? I don't think you can blame inlaws as they've not seen them?
Truthfully, what was growing up like them all? Did you have much more give for eldests behaviour? What did you mean by 'unsuitable relationship l

OP says this in her first post about her DH:

He was lovely to my eldest though.

I completely understand why you weren't going to do the running around @SlothsRUs , when your eldest was treated differently. Your in laws could have made different decisions that made the relationship a lot better.

I think all you can do with your dds 2 and 3 is to apologise if you got that wrong, you did what felt right at the time. Point out that in laws could have behaved differently, had they wanted a closer relationship.

It is worrying that DD's 2 and 3 seem to have bought into the notion that DD1 is worth less as a person because she is a single mum and maybe because she doesn't have a relationship with her dad.

Other than that, keep being dependable mum, take it on the chin. They will come around eventually.

@Whoamiwhoevenami so the answer is no one gets to see their parental grandparents?

To be clear. I'm saying that the eldest child suffered because of being rejected by her father.

Whether or not these are step grandchildren or biological grandchildren, who would want a child to feel different from their siblings , to be excluded.

She wasn't excluded, she was just treated differently because it was a different relationship.

This is the problem with blended families. You can do whatever you want with your "unit", but you do not have the right to expect people outside of that unit to accept things your way. It would have been better to manage your eldest daughter's expectations with regard to her stepfamily. When it was clear that they were not going to see her as full family, you could have explained to her about there being different types of families. But instead, because they did not see and do things your way, your younger children had to miss out on a lot. That was not fair. Both you and your husband did those children wrong.

Question the OP hasn’t mention is did her husband treat her eldest daughter the same as his biological daughters? That would be telling because if he didn’t then the apple doesn’t fall far. Whether or not these are step grandchildren or biological grandchildren, who would want a child to feel different from their siblings , to be excluded. I am so surprised by lots of people on this thread.

Ah yes, blended families.
You did what you thought was best.
Their father couldn’t be bothered and his family didn’t want to make the extra effort and yet the blame has fallen at your feet?
And to make matters worse the abuse/insults about your eldest daughter from her own sibling. What is their real issue with her?

They are distressed about it. If they consider themselves to have suffered because of OP’s actions, or consider their family relationships to have suffered, that’s their call to make. It’s not up to anyone else to decide on their behalf.

I think half the discussion on this page is being generated not because there’s a genuine disagreement but because some people just don’t know what the word suffering means.

It means actively experiencing pain or distress.

The younger girls might have missed out on the opportunity to attend a wedding and be flower girls when they were tots, but it is very unlikely that at 3 and 5 they experienced ’suffering’ as a result of this.

I have 2 DC. I treat them much the same, according to their needs because they are both my DC. DH has 1 DC and 1 step DC. He doesn't treat them the same and I wouldn't expect him to. While he might have opinions and be supportive and be a lovely step-dad, my oldest is my responsibility and my say goes.

Since I don't even expect DH to treat them the same I certainly don't expect his family to. I expect them to be kind and considerate as I would anyone who I allowed to be in contact with my DC.

My oldest knows she has a family and step family and understands these are different relationships but still people who care. The same way she knows she has aunts / uncles / family friends / her own friends who all have different relationships with her. They are all still important. Oldest DC doesn't have much relationship with her father or his family but she knows she is just as loved and special as her younger sibling even if her "family" is smaller.

I absolutely understand OPs desire to protect her oldest and to try and avoid her feeling "left out" of the new family OP created but in trying to protect the oldest it has impacted on the younger DCs opportunities for a relationship with their family. It's understandable they resent that.

While the past can't be undone it is probably helpful to acknowledge that to the younger DC, and that while it was done with thoughts of kindness, wanting to make things ok, it didn't consider fully the impact on them and actually wasn't fair to them.

In your position op, I think I would have done the same.

that said, I also think that you need to accept that your dds are angry with you. Hear them out.

not sure about your DH though, he’s extricated himself rather nicely hasn’t he?

So being treated kindly but not as a grandchild by people who aren’t her grandparents is ‘suffering’, but being denied the opportunity to form closer relationships with your actual family isn’t? That’s convenient.

They’re fully entitled to believe they suffered as a result of their mother’s actions. She ‘protected’ her eldest daughter at the expense of her younger children, and now she’s dealing with the consequences of that. While she was entitled to make the decisions she did, she isn’t entitled to have them agree with her or think kindly of her because of it.