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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not give birthday money to children who don't say thankyou

169 replies

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 10:17

I might BU with this as it says more about the parents, but...

When I was a child, I was taught to say thank you to everyone who gave me a gift or money for my birthday. This included picking up the phone and saying thanks to people who sent money in cards. I'm in my early 30s so this wasn't that long ago, really. When I was too young to do it off my own back, my parents helped and reminded me. Some of my relatives would, and did, stop sending money to children who never said thankyou. Maybe that's why I get annoyed if I don't get a simple thanks.

We've given birthday money to 4 children in the family in the last 2 months and haven't had a thank you from one. This is basic manners and it irritates me.
WIBU to not do it in the future? Money doesn't grow on trees and saying thank you isn't hard (even copying and pasting a generic text takes 1 minute). We are in a cost of living crisis and there's better things I could have done with the £80 total - not a lot to some but two tanks of fuel for me.
Happy to accept AIBU because parents should be raising children to say thank you ultimately.
I am possibly more annoyed by it because the parents themselves are very expectant and entitled when it comes to this sort of thing (people spending their money on them).

OP posts:
Georgyporky · 13/11/2023 11:50

I stopped giving to my nephew (8) because of this.
The CF had the gall to ask me why I hadn't given him a Xmas prezzie when I next saw him. I told him. DB & CF just stared at me, SIL changed the subject & it's never been mentioned since.

Pinkyhere · 13/11/2023 11:48

Your last post says it all. Ridiculously rude parents have bred ignorant entitled children.
Hold back on the presents, and possibly the contact you have with their people.
You have been very thoughtful and to have it ignored is really rude.

Wexone · 13/11/2023 11:21

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 11:17

O the cheeky little shite - was the parents there? i am sorry if that was me i wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue

Stood in the next room, but it's open plan, so they heard him. I was in the room with them when I replied to him that yes, that was it, and he should put it somewhere safe rather than leaving it on the floor like he had.

Hope they were cringing - defo take a step back with them and i would be making digs and smart comments a them.

PostItInABook · 13/11/2023 11:18

I have more than 9000 unread emails, despite unsubscribing as much as I can.

@jlpth I will sort this out for free for you just to relieve my own anxiety about what I have just read and so I can sleep tonight! 😫😂

Original poster
Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 11:17

O the cheeky little shite - was the parents there? i am sorry if that was me i wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue

Stood in the next room, but it's open plan, so they heard him. I was in the room with them when I replied to him that yes, that was it, and he should put it somewhere safe rather than leaving it on the floor like he had.

OP posts:
Muchtoomuchtodo · 13/11/2023 11:17

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 13/11/2023 10:29

My son says thank you in person (though finds it difficult) but finds the idea of phoning someone excrutiating, same for initiating a message. He has social anxiety - he is grateful but finds it difficult to express it. I'd be very sad if people just decided he was rude.

Edited

I understand the anxiety but there are ways around it.

our dc send letters. They’re done on the computer so are quick to tweak and personalise. Pretty much the same template every year, a couple of photos and a thank you for whatever they were given and a sentence or two about what they did on / for their birthday. Signed by hand.

we helped them when they were younger but now they’re older they do them themselves - I provide the stamps and envelopes! I imagine once they’re over 18 it might go to a quick text instead!

NooNakedJacuzziness · 13/11/2023 11:17

No excuse for not saying thank you. So easy to do these days by text. I had to make phone calls which I hated but still did it. It's so rude and really winds me up as well OP. Stop doing it.

Wexone · 13/11/2023 11:15

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 11:12

You gave it to one in person and they didn’t say thank you? Did they just take it off your hands in silence?

Yes actually. He wanted to get to the toys he had been given so took it and went over to them. Then he asked "is that it" (I only gave him money and no present to open as I was told he was saving up for something)

Oh the cheeky little shite - was the parents there? i am sorry if that was me i wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue

Original poster
Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 11:15

I find birthday and Christmas money pretty thoughtless unless specifically asked for. If specifically asked for, a thank you should be given but it honestly wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t.

It was asked for on each of these occasions. I always ask ahead of time what they'd like for their birthday so I get them something they will enjoy. On each of the occasions I was told they were saving up to buy something expensive (ps5 games I think) so they wanted money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 11:12

You gave it to one in person and they didn’t say thank you? Did they just take it off your hands in silence?

Yes actually. He wanted to get to the toys he had been given so took it and went over to them. Then he asked "is that it" (I only gave him money and no present to open as I was told he was saving up for something)

OP posts:
Kwasi · 13/11/2023 11:09

I find birthday and Christmas money pretty thoughtless unless specifically asked for. If specifically asked for, a thank you should be given but it honestly wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t.

whengodwasarabbit1 · 13/11/2023 11:08

I don't know, I buy pressies for the Little people in the family because I want too. There is no expectation on me to do so, and no expectation on them (or their parents) to say thanks. Life is busy. I get that.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 13/11/2023 11:08

I have two cousins, who each have a daughter.
Every Christmas and birthday both girls got cards and gifts.
Last time I posted a gift, the postage cost was dreadful. Decided after that I would send card + money enclosed.
Met one of the cousins at a family funeral. Informed me that his daughter liked a gift to open. Didn't even bother to say "Thankyou" for the card and money.
Nothing sent since
Such lack of basic courtesy and good manners.

Forsakenalmosthuman · 13/11/2023 11:04

My child has autism and global learning delays but still says thank you and writes thank you cards (though she needs to be prompted and helped set everything up), btw. If she couldn't write, I'd do it for her and get her to write her name if she could at the end.

Forsakenalmosthuman · 13/11/2023 11:01

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 13/11/2023 10:29

My son says thank you in person (though finds it difficult) but finds the idea of phoning someone excrutiating, same for initiating a message. He has social anxiety - he is grateful but finds it difficult to express it. I'd be very sad if people just decided he was rude.

Edited

If he is non-verbal or genuinely cannot write, then you would be writing thank you on his behalf, no?

Wexone · 13/11/2023 10:59

I agree totally - am sorry not matter how busy you are you can send a quick text. I get ya OP. All ready have this with my brother, baby only 6 months old, christening recently no thank you from either parent for gift ( and it was a quite generous one ) Where my sis sends a little whats app video of her kids saying thank you. Even my husbands grumpy teenager nieces and nephews still say thank you

Manners cost nothing and we live in world with many forms of communications there is no excuse

HoldOnMiGenna · 13/11/2023 10:51

Giving a gift and not receiving thanks and the gifter feeling a way is "performance gifting"?
The everyday mores and ways of the First World Anglo West get coarser and coarser as the days go by........
So many have nothing about them and are so loud with it, too.
Then complain when they meet the "right" one who reminds them that they are but an atom in this world.....unambiguously.

GingeNinga · 13/11/2023 10:47

I had this with one of my nieces/nephews.
Never bothered to say thank you, my sibling didn’t either. Really annoyed me as I was on a really low income, but always made sure they had Christmas/birthday presents or cash.

I stopped buying that nibling anything after their 18th as they also pratted about with constantly changing college courses and never worked - not even a paper round. It grated on me to fund their lifestyle, treat them to meals out etc, when I was having to work crazy hours to cover my outgoings plus their gifts/treats.

All other nieces and nephews got gifts until they finished education, they all worked hard, got part time jobs etc and were always thankful for gifts/cash, but had they not bothered to say thank you, they would’ve been cut off.

jlpth · 13/11/2023 10:44

Life is so miserably and horribly busy these days. Non stop demands of all things from all places. I have more than 9000 unread emails, despite unsubscribing as much as I can. You probably should just not take the lack of thanks personally. Life is exhausting with a busy family. If you held me to high/good standards and judged (I do have a kid with ASD), I would probably just cut you off to save myself any further bother.

MrsMarzetti · 13/11/2023 10:42

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 13/11/2023 10:29

My son says thank you in person (though finds it difficult) but finds the idea of phoning someone excrutiating, same for initiating a message. He has social anxiety - he is grateful but finds it difficult to express it. I'd be very sad if people just decided he was rude.

Edited

Social anxiety may be the reason he finds saying thank you difficult but it is not an excuse. Your son will have to go into an adult world one that won't change for him. There is no reason why he can't write a thank you card. And yes people will think he is rude to take but make no attempt to thank. My Grandson has Autism, he is 5 but he is expected to have manners.

CurlewKate · 13/11/2023 10:40

@Sillysoppysentimental "Depends how old the children are.
If they are ASD/ SEN.
Family have other things on their mind.
Can't remember who gave what.
Too busy / forgotten.
Worried about other more important things."

The ASD/SEN is the only one of these that carries any weight. But even then, parents could do it. But I would cut some slack there. The others? Nope.

fedupandstuck · 13/11/2023 10:38

Gifts should be given without expectation imo. Either you want to give gifts to these children or you don't. If their lack of thanks means you don't want to give them presents anymore then don't. If you genuinely mean "there's better things I could have done with the £80 total" then use your money for those better things! Just send them a card, and a nominal gift if you would feel better about it. Don't give more money than you can really afford to.

If their parents are entitled, then it's not a surprise that the children have not been encouraged to respond to gifts, or for the parents not to respond on their behalf.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 13/11/2023 10:37

Sillysoppysentimental · 13/11/2023 10:28

Depends how old the children are.
If they are ASD/ SEN.
Family have other things on their mind.
Can't remember who gave what.
Too busy / forgotten.
Worried about other more important things.

Well that's a load of shit excuses. It really doesn't take long to send a text or make a quick phone call. It's rude not to say thank you.

Potofteaplease · 13/11/2023 10:37

BiscuitsandPuffin · 13/11/2023 10:35

I think YABU. Presumably the children don't have their own phones or your contact details specifically and even if they did have both, most children would need prompting from mum/dad to do this. It sounds like your issue is with the parents not sharing your values. Most presents go into a black hole in life, and it seems like you can't handle that. But instead of talking to the adults (like an adult) your first thought is to punish the children. Seems quite shitty.

Performance gifting is pathetic though. IDK why people get so arsy about it, needing a thank-you for a gift from someone, unless they only gave to receive fawning and a feeling that someone is indebted to them. Not really a gifting mindset to my mind.

So if someone gave you a gift, you wouldn’t thank them???!!

SandyWaves · 13/11/2023 10:37

It is rude not to thank a person for a gift. Older kids could send a message. Parents could encourage them to do this. At the very least, parents should thank the person for the gift. It annoys me when people say that people are busy/they can keep track of who gave what.

All that is needed is a thank you.

I take a mental note of who hasn't.