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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not give birthday money to children who don't say thankyou

169 replies

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 10:17

I might BU with this as it says more about the parents, but...

When I was a child, I was taught to say thank you to everyone who gave me a gift or money for my birthday. This included picking up the phone and saying thanks to people who sent money in cards. I'm in my early 30s so this wasn't that long ago, really. When I was too young to do it off my own back, my parents helped and reminded me. Some of my relatives would, and did, stop sending money to children who never said thankyou. Maybe that's why I get annoyed if I don't get a simple thanks.

We've given birthday money to 4 children in the family in the last 2 months and haven't had a thank you from one. This is basic manners and it irritates me.
WIBU to not do it in the future? Money doesn't grow on trees and saying thank you isn't hard (even copying and pasting a generic text takes 1 minute). We are in a cost of living crisis and there's better things I could have done with the £80 total - not a lot to some but two tanks of fuel for me.
Happy to accept AIBU because parents should be raising children to say thank you ultimately.
I am possibly more annoyed by it because the parents themselves are very expectant and entitled when it comes to this sort of thing (people spending their money on them).

OP posts:
BowlOfNoodles · 13/11/2023 21:12

Do people genuinely have the audacity to bring up not getting a gift?

Cornishclio · 13/11/2023 19:40

YANBU. We stopped sending to nieces/nephews because they didn't send a note/text acknowledging let alone thanking us. Even if they don't say thank you their parents could. If they can't be bothered to instil good manners in their kids then I can't be bothered sending them money. As you say you have other things to do with that money. I would still send a card or happy birthday message though.

Loubelle70 · 13/11/2023 19:36

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 10:32

Depends how old the children are.
If they are ASD/ SEN.
Family have other things on their mind.
Can't remember who gave what.
Too busy / forgotten.
Worried about other more important things

The only one of these that is a valid excuse is ASD/SEN, and even then, parents can say it on their behalf.

My grandson is autistic and even he can muster a ty via text.
I stopped giving money and gifts to older children who didn't say ty. It was expected and i didnt like it. I raised my daughter with manners so she always said ty.
People these days seem to feel they : deserve what you give them ...it is entitlement. I just started sending a card with no money. My sister rung and said oh i think you forgot to put money in card for DD..i said no i didn't, because last few years i hadn't had a ty and that i thought therefore the money wasnt needed.

BluebellsForest · 13/11/2023 19:30

Georgyporky · 13/11/2023 11:50

I stopped giving to my nephew (8) because of this.
The CF had the gall to ask me why I hadn't given him a Xmas prezzie when I next saw him. I told him. DB & CF just stared at me, SIL changed the subject & it's never been mentioned since.

I'm absolutely insistent on thank yous, but I think this is harsh on an eight-year-old. Presumably his parents haven't taught him to say thank you. You'd be doing him a massive good deed if you explained that he must say thank you somehow, and then you will start presents again. Although not sure how an eight year old can, if parents are useless?

AQuantityOfNaughtyCats · 13/11/2023 17:39

Incredibly rude not to say thank you- doesn’t have to be a written note, face to face, text, phone call or email are all fine. Obv small children need help, school age can write/type/say their own. Any parents who don’t do this (or adults who don’t!) don’t deserve the gifts.

Cosyblankets · 13/11/2023 17:26

Sillysoppysentimental · 13/11/2023 10:28

Depends how old the children are.
If they are ASD/ SEN.
Family have other things on their mind.
Can't remember who gave what.
Too busy / forgotten.
Worried about other more important things.

No it doesn't depend on any of that.
The parents can teach the children to say thank you and if for whatever reason it's too much for the children then the parents can still model good behaviour.
Not saying thank you is just rude

BowlOfNoodles · 13/11/2023 17:19

We've got all this endless apps and lines of communication. I've also decided that ungrateful people won't be getting favors and gifts its insulting

AtomicPumpkin · 13/11/2023 17:18

Sillysoppysentimental · 13/11/2023 10:28

Depends how old the children are.
If they are ASD/ SEN.
Family have other things on their mind.
Can't remember who gave what.
Too busy / forgotten.
Worried about other more important things.

None of these are good reasons for lacking basic manners. It takes seconds to say 'thank you' or send a text.

Alconleigh · 13/11/2023 16:56

Expecting basic courtesy being described as abusive is absolutely peak modern toss. Learning reciprocity is a hugely important part of life. Well it is for most. Presumably the children of some of these posters are just standing around snatching presents from each other and bellowing for more.

Lovetotravel123 · 13/11/2023 16:34

You are not being unreasonable. Basic manners.

LaurieStrode · 13/11/2023 16:33

justjeansandanicetop · 13/11/2023 16:18

Too socially anxious to send a note / text / email saying "thank you" ?

Hhhm, I'm not convinced. I don't think you're doing your son any favours by just accepting this, OP. It does just seem rude.

Show quote history

Yes, this. If a direct phone call is too much, surely asynchronous communication like a note, letter, text, e-mail can't be so anxiety-inducing that it's impossible? I mean, does it induce anxiety to RECEIVE, or just to give back something to the relationship?

LaurieStrode · 13/11/2023 16:32

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 13/11/2023 16:26

What you're really saying is: 'I'd be very sad if people stopped sending him free gifts despite our lack of effort and reciprocity'.

Show quote history

Exactly. It's OK for others to expend mental effort, time, energy and money on one's behalf, but the recipient can't muster a thanks. No.

Funny how they always manage to find the strength to spend the gift monies or use the merchandise.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 13/11/2023 16:26

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 13/11/2023 10:29

My son says thank you in person (though finds it difficult) but finds the idea of phoning someone excrutiating, same for initiating a message. He has social anxiety - he is grateful but finds it difficult to express it. I'd be very sad if people just decided he was rude.

Edited

What you're really saying is: 'I'd be very sad if people stopped sending him free gifts despite our lack of effort and reciprocity'.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 13/11/2023 16:25

Do you have kids? It always amazes me how people feel entitled to single or childfree women's money.

Do these people send you gifts on your birthday?

Stop sending them money and Christmas and birthday gifts.

Gifts are not a human right from aunts to niblings, no matter how much mummy and daddy may try to convince you.

justjeansandanicetop · 13/11/2023 16:18

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 13/11/2023 10:29

My son says thank you in person (though finds it difficult) but finds the idea of phoning someone excrutiating, same for initiating a message. He has social anxiety - he is grateful but finds it difficult to express it. I'd be very sad if people just decided he was rude.

Edited

Too socially anxious to send a note / text / email saying "thank you" ?

Hhhm, I'm not convinced. I don't think you're doing your son any favours by just accepting this, OP. It does just seem rude.

Heresapickle · 13/11/2023 15:32

@Owlsoutsidethewindow- thanks for the thread, it reminded me to thank my Aunty for the card she sent me today. She still sends me £10 in a card even though I’m nearly 40 ❤️.

Libre2 · 13/11/2023 15:32

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 13/11/2023 10:29

My son says thank you in person (though finds it difficult) but finds the idea of phoning someone excrutiating, same for initiating a message. He has social anxiety - he is grateful but finds it difficult to express it. I'd be very sad if people just decided he was rude.

Edited

Can he not write a card? That's what ours still do now - aged 12 and 14. We have done it since they were babies. If he cannot write - you write it for him and he does a hand print or a picture or something.

Heresapickle · 13/11/2023 15:28

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 10:32

Depends how old the children are.
If they are ASD/ SEN.
Family have other things on their mind.
Can't remember who gave what.
Too busy / forgotten.
Worried about other more important things

The only one of these that is a valid excuse is ASD/SEN, and even then, parents can say it on their behalf.

Mine has asd(pda) and severe adhd- keeping still to write thank you cards would be a nightmare… so I video him saying thank you for the X Aunty/uncle Y and send them the video. He hates doing it so sometimes it might take a week to get them all done but it’s one of the few things I insist on.

honeylulu · 13/11/2023 15:19

Just don't bother any more.
Either your gifts mean nothing and won't be missed or they don't give a toss about acknowledging the person who gave them. (A text from either child or parent takes literally 10 seconds, it's hardly a lot to expect).

I've made these decisions over the years. It's funny how people who found it too much hassle to send a quick thank you text suddenly find the time to send a longer message asking why they didn't get anything this year.

My kids are reminded to say thank you. I don't care if they do it in person, text, email, call, write a note or draw a picture (they are very different ages!) But "thank you for the present/ money" is in order.

OutsideLookingOut · 13/11/2023 15:10

YANBU. Tell the parents why.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 13/11/2023 14:21

Disappointing that there are 21% of posters who are are apologisers/excusers for the lack/absence of basic courtesy and good manners. Says a whole lot about today's society.

LaurieStrode · 13/11/2023 14:13

BecauseTheWorld · 13/11/2023 13:53

Interestingly I have never received a thank you card from an adult for a present so why should children (usually facilitated by the parent who also has 1000000 other tasks to do).

If you want thanks give it to them in person so the actual child can thank you, in person, without adding more chores to the parent’s (mother, it’s always the mother) life.

What kind of people are you giving presents to? I have a drawer full of notes received over the years, and have sent countless.

DottyLottieLou · 13/11/2023 14:06

All these people making daft excuses gor rude entitled people 🙄

coxesorangepippin · 13/11/2023 14:02

Yanbu

My niece and nephew don't say thanks, so no more gifts!

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 13/11/2023 14:01

idontlikealdi · 13/11/2023 13:50

My kids always say thank you. When they were younger it was thank you notes, now they are older it is mostly by text. I would never make them call, I used to have to do that and it was EXCRUCIATING.

It is basic manners to say thanks, I'm not so bothered about the method of delivery.

This

It really isn't difficult

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