Catered for 8 and no one showed up

Agree - plus, I'm often tired and don't want to go out, but invariably find that when I do go I have a great time

Absolutely this!

How dare they! It's not only very unfair to you, but it's a shameful waste of food.

And don't agree to host again.

What you need to look at is your passivity in the group, and is there a strong need to please others.
Our need for approval allows us to offer too much of ourselves to others, which they then can too easily decide to leave or take.

Because of low level of valuing yourself as a friend/group member, you take of the role of deferring to others needs before your own.

Here's a couple of clues

" They picked out the food (was taking pics and sending it on the group chat while they chose which ones they wanted) "

"we decided I'd host it"
What!!! how can 'we' decide something for YOU?

Read those sentences and see what role you are playing in the group.

(you went to great trouble to avoid making a decision and deferred to the higher powers because you wanted to please them.
Someone else might have said 'girls I'll just buy the usual stuff we like and you'll have to deal with that because I'm not spending ages trying to get agreement'.)

I suspect you rushed in to agree to hosting it because that serves a function for you being at the centre of things and being 'useful' because there's a part of you that is worried if you are not useful to people then what have you to offer them?

This dismisses and ignores the unique qualities you do have, that draws people to you. Because it's too scary to think people mightn't like you.

The more dominant others might take advantage of your willingness to be helpful. They would be thinking 'oh Susan won't mind if we postpone she's lovely and very easy going!'

In future, think carefully about your own time. No need to ditch the friend group, just take a hard and honest look at the role you play.

Then in future, think about what suits YOU. Don't think about how you can serve others.

A Sunday night (unlesss you are in Australia?) is not a great bet for an event.

Knowing how the group behaves, reduce your exposure to this sort of thing, by saying 'I might host it, but let's decide closer to the day, because I might change my mind'.

If someone make a request to you or a demand, the most useful tip is to buy time for yourself to think it over.

Simply say 'can I think about that and get back to you, not sure what I have on then'

Everyday of our lives is a learning day - unfortunately!

I would be raging. And I would leave a message stating I am extremely upset, and well out of pocket so won’t be hosting again ever. When someone decides when and where you will meet next let me know. And then I would be backing away

Totally see why in demand restaurants insist on deposits

Portion the food up before you freeze it.

Cut the brisket into steaks that you can slow/pressure cook in stock/gravy one or two at a time.

Do the same with the seafood. Portion it out. Use it for a Sunday brunch or such like.

At the end of the day, you still need to eat, and surely you don't eat out for all 14 meals (lunch/dinner) every week.

Op I think in your shoes I would be sending a very measured calm message to the WhatsApp group or however you communicate with your friends, to say that you have distributed the food, frozen the rest, and cleared up the rest of your preparations, but frankly after all of the communication at the outset, certain people insisting on having the event in someone’s home, after the effort and outstanding costs involved, for the record, you feel let very down that so many of your friends felt that cancelling at the last minute for reasons that did not constitute an emergency was acceptable.

Tell them you understand that life is busy and everyone is pressured but that this all feels disrespectful and you won’t be bothering in future and sign out!

The ball is then in their court.

Invite other less flaky friends for an impromptu dinner. Never host them again. Make an excuse next time and move on. Hopefully it is nothing personal but you never know. So annoying for you OP.

Did the OP ever clarify whether she said anything at all during the back and forth messages earlier on in the day regarding those dropping out.

That would have been perfect opportunity to interject and say “hey guys… I’ve already bought the food, and a shed load! So I’m a bit… hurt / peed off that now looks all going to go to waste”

Good friends “oh shit sorry - yep, let’s definitely crack on with tonight and looking forward to it”.
or
“so sorry, ok - not going to come but we will all reimburse now and you can have a cook up and enjoy it al! Sorry”

Forget all the "food waste" nonesense. This is simply disrespect. I dont think the poster was concerned about the cost, I have put on spreads that have cost hundreds and never counted the cost as it was a lovely gathering, I have experienced the same. I was hurt,furious, angry and righteously so. Draft a letter to all of them. Then move on sweetheart !

So sorry OP. I probably see my uni friends once every few years now, some people get very flakey!

This is not ok and I am truly sorry. Never ever host them again. Make sure they know you bought all the food.

I’d say ‘so sorry everyone had to cancel, but as we had already agreed on the food I got it in and it cost this much £xxx. I’d really rather not be out of pocket for agreeing to host and so can everyone transfer x amount to my account please. I can’t afford to cater for 7 people’

Id also be majorly pissed off. Since when has being tired been an excuse for cancelling last minute? It’s so so rude! This will get worse off them if they go on to have kids OP and so I’d go to meetups arranged (only if they pay you back tho) but I wouldn’t ever host or plan anything yourself again!

Yep not on at all. Don't ever offer host again and don’t be the organiser/ deposit payer if you go for a meal out. They’re inconsiderate friends, all too common unfortunately.

That’s disgusting behaviour of your ‘friends’. I would never host them again after that behaviour. Is there something you don’t know about, like a separate WhatsApp group that you’re not part of? I don’t say that to make you feel worse but it happens.

Never organise group meals they are best left alone. They may well have been speaking to themselves prior to the meal and one said I am not going and then like they all followed suit! Load of prats.

Tell them you've bought all the food already so can they contribute towards the cost.
In this situation I think you need to be assertive, they're arseholes if they don't contribute.

Selfish cunts. I'd tell them to pay up and then fuck off out of my life. I feel really angry for you OP - I've had similar done to me in the past.

They sound utterly pathetic OP

who on earth has voted YABU?!

@NeedToChangeName

On MN, I see a disproportionate number of posts saying "These people aren't your friends, ditch them" and I also see a disproportionate number of posts from people who are lonely and struggle with friendships. I think this is connected

But aren't the people saying 'ditch them' advocating for making decent friendships, because they have experience of doing so, themselves? Are you sure that people like myself, saying 'ditch them' aren't talking from personal experience of building a successful and respectful social circle? Or do you genuinely think that people are posting 'Ditch your friends!' on one thread, then posting 'I'm miserable after ditching my friends' on another?

Thinking that two things are connected doesn't mean they're connected, and I'd tend to think that the people who advocate for ditching friends aren't those who are miserable from having done so themselves. There are lots of people on MN who have dogs, and lots who hate dogs. Do you conflate those too?

Ugh, ugh, ugh. I’m raging on your behalf, OP.

So disgusted at how selfish and lazy so many people are these days.

i woldnt have any room in my freezer for all that-bloody rude

not exactly the same but my dsis invited people just for drinks out of 30 only 4 turned up felt really bad for her

Yes I thought this. Hardly an onerous task! Bunch of flakers.

Def send them the bill!!!!

Sounds like they each had better offers so they made their excuses. Maybe you are not as close as you once were?
I’d send them the bill, not bother to arrange anything else and move on with your life.

This. Super rude and feeble excuses.

Terrible, but I think the 'rain check' person is the worst of all. I hope you protested when they suggested cancelling just because some people can't make it. If they're going to do that every time you may never meet up because there can always be cancellations.

That's outrageously selfish of them. I think you should ask for the money for the food.