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Original poster

Should children/grandchildren always travel to the grandparents?

57 replies

marvelousmarmite · 12/11/2023 21:35

I live 6 hours away from my mum (moved for uni and settled here wit job, met someone etc). Been here 20 years. Mum has moved in that time but chose to stay local to where she was despite no connections there (fair enough). Mum is mid 70s and has full time care of a child for complex reasons - no contact with birth parents. Mum has a 2.5 bed house (two doubles, one v small single) and we have the exact same.

At first, we used to visit each other. We had 2 small kids and she had 1 so we'd have travel cots etc - easy. Then as they got older, it was harder to fit everyone in. One of the conditions of foster child is she has to have her own room. Kids now all teens. One of mine has SEN. It's also v far in either direction and we all have dogs. So for a year or two, we booked a dog friendly Air B&B and went to some nice places about halfway between us instead. Then, with mum's support (helped with deposit and v enthusiastic), we bought a 4 bed, 2 bath holiday house halfway between us (3 hours travel per family). We go there often and happily hosted mum and child and dogs there as often as they wanted. It's in a v nice location and we did all the catering, looking after them etc, planned nice trips. With it just being mum and child, this seemed to be a great holiday option for he as we'd entertain child and look after mum.

However when I invited mum to holiday house for Christmas last year, she instead asked us to go to hers. I gently pointed out that we really can't fit. She said family is all about sleeping on floors etc and just making it work. Mum then decided she's very upset we haven't been to her house in years. She says she no longer wants to travel to the holiday house (she's getting more nervous driving but there is an easy train) and hasn't been this year. She says children normally travel to the grandparent's house and that it's very hurtful we haven't been to her house for a long time. She loves her house and has done some renovations etc that she would like to show off. I spoke to my aunt and she totally agrees with mum and said your house is important to you as you get older as it's your legacy, and this 'half way' arrangement is not suitable. I feel hurt as we bought the house specifically to spend time with mum, in that location for that reason. We don't own another property so it's our only house and it was bought with her in mind. If it wasn't for considering her, we'd have either bought a holiday home much closer or bought where we are (we rent and need to be here for our jobs). I should say I don't regret it as I love our house and we'll retire there. But for mum to now say we should have been going to hers is frustrating. We already travel 3 hours regularly to visit our house so another 3 hours on top of that to see mum in a small house which doesn't even have beds for all of us very unappealing. I don't care that she hasn't been to our main (rental) house - for me it was just about spending time together in a way that worked. She said EVERYONE goes to visit their grandparents, not the other way around. Who is BU?

OP posts:
Vinrouge4 · 12/11/2023 22:16

Difficult one. Could you spend Christmas in your holiday home and then visit her for a couple of days after. Maybe stay in an air b&b. It isn’t reasonable to expect you to sleep on the floor.

caringcarer · 12/11/2023 22:11

I'd let the holiday house out if you don't use it much or sell and buy where you work. Does your Mum have mobility issues? If not I'd take in turns to travel and if no room in her home stay in a nearby hotel. She should do the same when she visits you.

ThinWomansBrain · 12/11/2023 22:07

My mother got increasingly nervous about travelling as she got older - even when she was being met at the station.

Fostering at 70 - wow! credit to her for that, surprised she's not permanently exhausted from that alone.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/11/2023 22:05

This isn't a 'what do people do' situation as there are no generic rules and no offence to your mum but I doubt she knows enough people for their habits to be statistically significant.

For some families they might make do on floors but it wouldn't be for a lot of people, and it's irrelevant anyway when your child has SEN, if they would be impacted by a stay in her home. Your child is your priority and everyone should take responsibility for reasonable adjustments for people with additional needs

I do think you should make the effort, but so should she. And that might mean that you see each other every year instead of every few months because you've got to stay in a bnb

Zanatdy · 12/11/2023 22:00

Well I’ve nearly always visited my parents as I felt as I was the one to move away the travel should be on me, plus I didn’t have space for them. It did get tiring going every school holiday for years, but I’ve reduced it lately. There’s no rule that every grandchild goes to the grandparents. I don’t think it’s fair to expect people to sleep on the floor.

Theprincessisblanketed · 12/11/2023 21:53

I can see why you don't want to regularly visit your mum's house but if you haven't been for years I would consider a one off non-Christmas-time visit (and then not have to do it again for a few years).

You can't make her come to the holiday house if she doesn't want to though.

Londonrach1 · 12/11/2023 21:38

Each situation is different..my in-laws come to see dd every couple of weeks...my parents due to health issues can't travel so we go there every two months ..as a child I visited my grandparents once a year And they visited us once. A year...no right and wrong here but not everyone visits grandparents and not all grandparents visit ..