Page 2 | Should children/grandchildren always travel to the grandparents?

marvelousmarmite · 2023-11-12T21:35:05+00:00

I live 6 hours away from my mum (moved for uni and settled here wit job, met someone etc). Been here 20 years. Mum has moved in that time but chose to stay local to where she was despite no connections there (fair enough). Mum is mid 70s and has full time care of a child for complex reasons - no contact with birth parents. Mum has a 2.5 bed house (two doubles, one v small single) and we have the exact same. At first, we used to visit each other. We had 2 small kids and she had 1 so we'd have travel cots etc - easy. Then as they got older, it was harder to fit everyone in. One of the conditions of foster child is she has to have her own room. Kids now all teens. One of mine has SEN. It's also v far in either direction and we all have dogs. So for a year or two, we booked a dog friendly Air B&B and went to some nice places about halfway between us instead. Then, with mum's support (helped with deposit and v enthusiastic), we bought a 4 bed, 2 bath holiday house halfway between us (3 hours travel per family). We go there often and happily hosted mum and child and dogs there as often as they wanted. It's in a v nice location and we did all the catering, looking after them etc, planned nice trips. With it just being mum and child, this seemed to be a great holiday option for he as we'd entertain child and look after mum. However when I invited mum to holiday house for Christmas last year, she instead asked us to go to hers. I gently pointed out that we really can't fit. She said family is all about sleeping on floors etc and just making it work. Mum then decided she's very upset we haven't been to her house in years. She says she no longer wants to travel to the holiday house (she's getting more nervous driving but there is an easy train) and hasn't been this year. She says children normally travel to the grandparent's house and that it's very hurtful we haven't been to her house for a long time. She loves her house and has done some renovations etc that she would like to show off. I spoke to my aunt and she totally agrees with mum and said your house is important to you as you get older as it's your legacy, and this 'half way' arrangement is not suitable. I feel hurt as we bought the house specifically to spend time with mum, in that location for that reason. We don't own another property so it's our only house and it was bought with her in mind. If it wasn't for considering her, we'd have either bought a holiday home much closer or bought where we are (we rent and need to be here for our jobs). I should say I don't regret it as I love our house and we'll retire there. But for mum to now say we should have been going to hers is frustrating. We already travel 3 hours regularly to visit our house so another 3 hours on top of that to see mum in a small house which doesn't even have beds for all of us very unappealing. I don't care that she hasn't been to our main (rental) house - for me it was just about spending time together in a way that worked. She said EVERYONE goes to visit their grandparents, not the other way around. Who is BU?

MiddleParking · 12/11/2023 23:08

marvelousmarmite · 12/11/2023 22:58

It's not ideal and should never have happened. There was a point at which a choice was made and mum did choose this but that doesn't mean it's not really hard in so many ways.

I genuinely thought hosting her for a break from time to time was a nice thing to do. I've always spoiled her so much when she comes to stay precisely because she has no other adults at home. If we go there she'll just run around cleaning, cooking etc and getting stressed. I can see why some people think I'm wrong but I genuinely thought this was a great solution that benefited us all so it's hard to swallow the idea that I've upset her or been 'selfish'. I didn't have to buy a 4 bedroom house, or one halfway between us - that was purely with her in mind.

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I absolutely don’t think you’re wrong and didn’t mean to criticise you at all. It’s more that I think you’re tying yourself in knots trying to come up with solutions that work for everyone, but the not-working is baked into the situation and will remain whatever you do. Given that whatever you do will be imperfect I’d personally opt for telling your mum no deal, you’ve invested in this house for the stated reasons and you won’t be leaving it empty at Christmas to travel twice as far and sleep on floors.

Original poster

marvelousmarmite · 12/11/2023 23:01

backinthestoneage · 12/11/2023 22:56

I left home for uni and never went to my home town. We struggled to visit my parents at Christmas as it no longer felt like home. They now come to us as we have a bigger house and more comfortable with adult children as well. All our friends & children's social circle are in my 'new' town.

Her house isn't 'home' to me but I don't mind that in particular. I'm not very wedded to the idea of childhood homes at my age. But I would also say that with the 'halfway house' solution, and with the fact she has a child, she hasn't been to our main home in years either. No school plays or leavers' assemblies or knowing the kids' friends or anything like that - so not seeing the 'home' location or being part of the grandchildren's lives in that way goes both ways (and I'm fine with it from this end).

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marvelousmarmite · 12/11/2023 22:58

MiddleParking · 12/11/2023 22:48

Being a single parent in your 70s and never being in your own home with another adult around, the only break you get in a holiday home three hours away in which you’re being hosted by another family, must be a specific type of mentally exhausting I really cannot imagine. There’s no point in thinking about what ‘everyone’ does or doesn’t do - almost no one is ever going to have the specific context of your family setup. It’s highly unusual and sounds very far from ideal for your mum and this child.

It's not ideal and should never have happened. There was a point at which a choice was made and mum did choose this but that doesn't mean it's not really hard in so many ways.

I genuinely thought hosting her for a break from time to time was a nice thing to do. I've always spoiled her so much when she comes to stay precisely because she has no other adults at home. If we go there she'll just run around cleaning, cooking etc and getting stressed. I can see why some people think I'm wrong but I genuinely thought this was a great solution that benefited us all so it's hard to swallow the idea that I've upset her or been 'selfish'. I didn't have to buy a 4 bedroom house, or one halfway between us - that was purely with her in mind.

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backinthestoneage · 12/11/2023 22:56

I left home for uni and never went to my home town. We struggled to visit my parents at Christmas as it no longer felt like home. They now come to us as we have a bigger house and more comfortable with adult children as well. All our friends & children's social circle are in my 'new' town.

MiddleParking · 12/11/2023 22:51

Although I would add that my mother in law of the same age is very highly focused on wanting to host us at her house, showing off renovations etc.

MiddleParking · 12/11/2023 22:48

Being a single parent in your 70s and never being in your own home with another adult around, the only break you get in a holiday home three hours away in which you’re being hosted by another family, must be a specific type of mentally exhausting I really cannot imagine. There’s no point in thinking about what ‘everyone’ does or doesn’t do - almost no one is ever going to have the specific context of your family setup. It’s highly unusual and sounds very far from ideal for your mum and this child.

Original poster

marvelousmarmite · 12/11/2023 22:48

Lizzieregina · 12/11/2023 22:44

I think your mum is probably just getting tired due to her age and her responsibilities.

No you shouldn’t have to go to her, but I think in your case I would try to for a day or two at least.

I’m considerably younger and the thoughts of raising a teenager, well I can’t even think about it! And I get the driving issues too. Things get harder as you age.

I think you're right. I just wish she'd say that. Like 'Look I know the plan was that we'd spend time together at the halfway point of your house, but I can't face it anymore'. Instead she's suddenly angry. And in the meantime we've been hosting her for long holidays there, making sure she was thoroughly spoiled and looked after etc as we thought that was a nice thing to do, so it took me by surprise.

The teenager shouldn't be still with her and is something I tried to guard her against but unfortunately it is complex and now it is what it is. It's very much not working in multiple ways that aren't relevant here.

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BitofaStramash · 12/11/2023 22:46

Each family makes their own arrangements. There's no rule and no standard arrangement.

Lizzieregina · 12/11/2023 22:44

I think your mum is probably just getting tired due to her age and her responsibilities.

No you shouldn’t have to go to her, but I think in your case I would try to for a day or two at least.

I’m considerably younger and the thoughts of raising a teenager, well I can’t even think about it! And I get the driving issues too. Things get harder as you age.

Original poster

marvelousmarmite · 12/11/2023 22:42

saraclara · 12/11/2023 22:37

I don't know why everyone's horrified at the idea of sleeping on the floor! It's only like camping. A sleeping bag or a spare duvet, and a blow up mattress (or just the cushions off the sofa) and all of us were fine. It was part of the fun, and my now adult kids and their cousins have very fond memories of it.

Maybe part of the problem is that I absolutely loathe camping! Dragged on camping trips as a child and hate absolutely everything about 'roughing it'. Also have back issues now I'm older ha ha. But I think if sleeping on the floor was the only way to spend time together I totally would - BUT with her knowledge and blessing (and deposit money!) we bought a lovely house that fits us all where nobody has to sleep on the floor!

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marvelousmarmite · 12/11/2023 22:40

saraclara · 12/11/2023 22:33

I'd be really sad if my child and grandchildren hadn't visited my home for years. Presumably you were the ones who moved away?

I don't know. Now that I have grandchildren, their presence in my house occasionally, is important to me. I can't explain it. It's like the things about motherhood that you don't get until you're a mother. Each visit from grandchildren confirms the fact that they 'belong' here somehow. Even the items that they use, that remain here, somehow mark the fact that I have family and that we 'belong'.
Sorry, like I say, I can't describe it. And I'm sure people will post to say that they're not 'mine' and that I'm being ridiculous.

But I also know how much it meant to my PILs that we traveled to stay with them regularly. They had two bedrooms and a boxroom, and two receptions. And they, the four of us, and my SIL, her husband and their kids (and often an extra aunt) all used to bed down where we could. The kids used to be happy as larry sleeping downstairs on whatever we could find or take with us.

In your mum's situation I wouldn't dictate that you/they had to come, but yes, I'd be sad that you didn't. And maybe when I'm a tad older my filter might be less efficient and I might express that sadness.

Thanks this was a very thoughtful post.

I think part of the problem may be that there isn't much grandmother/grandchild bond between mum and the kids. I don't know if she'd really feel this way. Also, it's not really a grandparent's home in the traditional sense - it's foster child and her 'parent's home (as it should be). They didn't have that same sense of belonging I think when they were younger as she was always focusing on 'her' child and not them. Just circumstances - not complaining.

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saraclara · 12/11/2023 22:37

I don't know why everyone's horrified at the idea of sleeping on the floor! It's only like camping. A sleeping bag or a spare duvet, and a blow up mattress (or just the cushions off the sofa) and all of us were fine. It was part of the fun, and my now adult kids and their cousins have very fond memories of it.

Original poster

marvelousmarmite · 12/11/2023 22:36

Wisterical · 12/11/2023 22:25

YABVU.
You're expecting your mum to travel three hours to visit you, at your house, every time she wants to see you.

Besides the issues of her being in her mid 70's, with the sole care of a teenager, and becoming less confident at driving, being 'on holiday' is never as relaxing as being in your own home.

She loves her home just as much as you love your (holiday/retirement) home. You should suck up the inconvenience, stop being so selfish, and compromise by visiting her perhaps once a year.

I'm almost thinking this is a reverse as your position is so unreasonable.

I wouldn't say it's so much 'inconvenience' as that it just doesn't work. In her house she has a double, a double and a single. She obviously needs one of those rooms. Foster child needs one of those rooms. That leaves a double bed for a family of four, with two teenagers of opposite sexes, one of whom has special needs. He struggles to sleep at the best of times and would be very unhappy. There's no sofa bed etc though I dare say she/we could buy/bring inflatable beds or something. It's just hard to justify why we'd put ourselves through this when the plan was always that we'd share the holiday house, precisely as we don't fit in either of our houses.

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MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 12/11/2023 22:33

I'd assume mum and the teen are in the doubles so it's one single bed and the floor for op and family?

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marvelousmarmite · 12/11/2023 22:33

coconutpie · 12/11/2023 22:22

So she expects you to travel 6hrs and then sleep on her floor? Just so she can show you some renovations she has done to her house? Eh no. The only way it might be doable is to go to your holiday home for a night or two, then travel to where your mum is and stay in a hotel or airbnb and then travel back to holiday home, stay a night and back home again. Then you've done it once and I wouldn't do it again for another few years. It's too far.

Yes that's what she expects. I think visiting and staying nearby is probably for the best but I know she won't be happy with that either and it's hard to make such a long journey when at the end of it she would be annoyed and unhappy with the plans.

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saraclara · 12/11/2023 22:33

I'd be really sad if my child and grandchildren hadn't visited my home for years. Presumably you were the ones who moved away?

I don't know. Now that I have grandchildren, their presence in my house occasionally, is important to me. I can't explain it. It's like the things about motherhood that you don't get until you're a mother. Each visit from grandchildren confirms the fact that they 'belong' here somehow. Even the items that they use, that remain here, somehow mark the fact that I have family and that we 'belong'.
Sorry, like I say, I can't describe it. And I'm sure people will post to say that they're not 'mine' and that I'm being ridiculous.

But I also know how much it meant to my PILs that we traveled to stay with them regularly. They had two bedrooms and a boxroom, and two receptions. And they, the four of us, and my SIL, her husband and their kids (and often an extra aunt) all used to bed down where we could. The kids used to be happy as larry sleeping downstairs on whatever we could find or take with us.

In your mum's situation I wouldn't dictate that you/they had to come, but yes, I'd be sad that you didn't. And maybe when I'm a tad older my filter might be less efficient and I might express that sadness.

Original poster

marvelousmarmite · 12/11/2023 22:31

Vinrouge4 · 12/11/2023 22:16

Difficult one. Could you spend Christmas in your holiday home and then visit her for a couple of days after. Maybe stay in an air b&b. It isn’t reasonable to expect you to sleep on the floor.

I think this is probably the best way around it, though she will still be hugely offended that we aren't staying with her. Thank you.

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marvelousmarmite · 12/11/2023 22:30

caringcarer · 12/11/2023 22:11

I'd let the holiday house out if you don't use it much or sell and buy where you work. Does your Mum have mobility issues? If not I'd take in turns to travel and if no room in her home stay in a nearby hotel. She should do the same when she visits you.

We use the holiday house a lot. Every third weekend and all school holidays. Mum has no mobility issues but is mid 70s so I think we can assume that might become an issue.

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marvelousmarmite · 12/11/2023 22:29

ThinWomansBrain · 12/11/2023 22:07

My mother got increasingly nervous about travelling as she got older - even when she was being met at the station.

Fostering at 70 - wow! credit to her for that, surprised she's not permanently exhausted from that alone.

I do think she's exhausted. It should never have happened that she was left to raise a teenager alone in her 70s but that's besides the point as we are where we are and it is a complex situation.

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thing47 · 12/11/2023 22:28

@marvelousmarmite what would the sleeping arrangements be if you did stay with her? You mention sleeping on floors etc but what precisely would it be? If it's a case of you and your DH having the second double and your 2 teenagers sleeping on a floor, would they do that for 1 night (some teenagers might quite enjoy that)?

Original poster

marvelousmarmite · 12/11/2023 22:26

Zanatdy · 12/11/2023 22:00

Well I’ve nearly always visited my parents as I felt as I was the one to move away the travel should be on me, plus I didn’t have space for them. It did get tiring going every school holiday for years, but I’ve reduced it lately. There’s no rule that every grandchild goes to the grandparents. I don’t think it’s fair to expect people to sleep on the floor.

I think I had that 'i was the one to move away' feeling for a long time, but as she's moved since then (stayed local to where she was before) now I kind of feel we've both chosen to be where we are.

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Wisterical · 12/11/2023 22:25

YABVU.
You're expecting your mum to travel three hours to visit you, at your house, every time she wants to see you.

Besides the issues of her being in her mid 70's, with the sole care of a teenager, and becoming less confident at driving, being 'on holiday' is never as relaxing as being in your own home.

She loves her home just as much as you love your (holiday/retirement) home. You should suck up the inconvenience, stop being so selfish, and compromise by visiting her perhaps once a year.

I'm almost thinking this is a reverse as your position is so unreasonable.

LovedmyRaleighChopper · 12/11/2023 22:24

I know what your Mum means, there is a kind of traditional idea/picture of the younger family including grandchildren visiting and staying with the grandparents at Christmas and probably summer holidays too. However this traditional picture always has the Grandparents in a large house often with a big garden too. Maybe your mother is blinded to reality by this nice picture she has of you all shouting goodnight like the Waltons from your various floors? If she’s that keen to host everyone I’d let her, a night or two won’t kill you and if it’s as bad as you are expecting then you never need do it again.

coconutpie · 12/11/2023 22:22

So she expects you to travel 6hrs and then sleep on her floor? Just so she can show you some renovations she has done to her house? Eh no. The only way it might be doable is to go to your holiday home for a night or two, then travel to where your mum is and stay in a hotel or airbnb and then travel back to holiday home, stay a night and back home again. Then you've done it once and I wouldn't do it again for another few years. It's too far.

Pacificisolated · 12/11/2023 22:18

It’s clearly ridiculous to make blanket statements like ‘children normally travel to the grandparents house’ as there are many other considerations to factor in. It sounds more like your mum is now anxious around travelling and possibly burnt out from caring responsibilities and instead of owning up to that and asking for extra consideration she is trying to rewrite history.