Page 2 | My mum tells my aunty everything.

Mooshamoo · 2023-11-12T13:45:46+00:00

Me and my mum get on fine . I have one aunty (mum's sister) that I do not get on with at all. We do not like each other. She has never been nice to me. She has never been like an aunt to me. She has never asked how I am, am I ok. Ever. The only rtime she has talked to me has been to be nasty to me. Shehas been nasty to me several times. We don't talk at all now. My mum is very close to her sister. If I say anything bad about her sister, my mum gets annoyed. So I've decided you know that even though I don't like my aunt, I don't want to upset my mum/aunts relationship. Its up to my mum. That's their bond. My mum knows I don't like my aunt...However it's hard that my mum and aunt are close and I really don't like my aunt. As my mum used to tell my aunt everything about me. Ive asked my mum not to tell my aunt anything about me. As I know my aunt will then tell my other aunt stuf about me, and she talks badly about me to everyone Something happened in my life last week that I wanted to keep private, and my mum rang my aunt and told her. It upset me. My mum said it just slipped out. I can understand. But the situation is so difficult and it makes me and my mum argue, as I don't want my aunt to know stuff about me . It is very hard to manage the relationships of : Me and my mum are close My mum and my aunt are close Me and my aunt really intensely dislike each other. Honestly we are not like aunt and niece at all. We really don't like each other in any way shape or form. There is very bad feeling between us. We are like strangers at best I'm not sure what to do

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 12/11/2023 14:33

Titicacacandle · 12/11/2023 14:25

I don't knoe why you care if you never speak to your aunt? Like why does it matter that your dm told her sister that she helped you get up when your back seized up? If it bothers you then you need to ring a friend instead of your mum as you're not asking her to keep a normal type of confidence, you're asking her to not speak to her sister about anything to do with you even when your dm is involved.

I just wouldn't care that much and I can't understand why you do?

I'm just in my mum's house. And I heard my my mum on the phone to her sister telling her everything about me

It just upset me, because it feels like my mum telling someone I really don't like, and who has been awful to me"everything about me".

I know logically my aunt can't do much with the information of "I hurt my back".

I just hate her knowing stuff about me, when she has been so terrible and awful to me, and I feel like my mum tells her everyrhing, and I feel like I want privacy.

OP posts:

Crikeyisthatthetime · 12/11/2023 14:31

So sorry, it sounds like your mum probably spent her entire childhood trying to get approval from her sisters, and she's still stuck in the same pattern. Your horrible aunty has just transferred her nastiness to you and your mum is in denial because she wants to believe her sister cares.

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 12/11/2023 14:30

Crikeyisthatthetime · 12/11/2023 14:19

Have you ever asked your aunt why she is such a bitch? You're an adult now so you don't have to be nice to her any more.
But yes sadly your mum is not going to change after all these years, so you have to tell her nothing, or accept that your aunt will be told and stop caring about that. Because in the end what does it matter what your aunt says?

Still now , my aunt is like this. She chooses her favourites. She like my.otjer aunts children

She will show photos of my other aunts adult children, saying look how great they are doing in life isn't it great. She is very involved with my other female cousins children. She is really loving and caring to them. She is like a granny to them. She goes to all of my cousin's son's plays

then with us:
My aunt never speaks to my brother ever.
My aunt hasn't spoken to my brother in about ten years. She acts like she doesn't exist. And he has had some very bad problems
.She Never ever asks how he is. She never says anything nice to me.

She just chooses her favourites and only speaks to them. I guess people have favourites in a family , but when she has been so cold to me ,and has never ever asked how I am, it has hurt

OP posts:

Vinrouge4 · 12/11/2023 14:25

Your Aunt sounds jealous of your relationship with your mum. However you mum sounds like she puts her sister’s feelings before yours. You need to distance yourself a bit from her then you will care less.

Titicacacandle · 12/11/2023 14:25

I don't knoe why you care if you never speak to your aunt? Like why does it matter that your dm told her sister that she helped you get up when your back seized up? If it bothers you then you need to ring a friend instead of your mum as you're not asking her to keep a normal type of confidence, you're asking her to not speak to her sister about anything to do with you even when your dm is involved.

I just wouldn't care that much and I can't understand why you do?

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 12/11/2023 14:25

Crikeyisthatthetime · 12/11/2023 14:19

Have you ever asked your aunt why she is such a bitch? You're an adult now so you don't have to be nice to her any more.
But yes sadly your mum is not going to change after all these years, so you have to tell her nothing, or accept that your aunt will be told and stop caring about that. Because in the end what does it matter what your aunt says?

I just think she is a bit of a bully. She loves favouring some people and leaving other people out.

I have another aunt (aunt 2) and this aunt (bitchy aunt) and my other aunt are closer to each other, them she is to my mother. Those two aunts would often leave my mother out of things when she was younger. Which my mother has now forgiven my auntie for.

My aunt also treated my other aunts children much nicer than she treated me. The other cousin would get nicer presents / days out. I was looked down on. I feel they made that cousin feel good by knocking me down
You know how some people favourite children over others

I feel like they enjoyed feeling good and happy by knocking other people down..do you know what I mean.

As a child, I was made to feel like i was the least important cousin by far..my other cousins were treated great. And I was treated bad. It made them feel important.

Anyway

OP posts:

caringcarer · 12/11/2023 14:21

mbosnz · 12/11/2023 13:49

Have you tried, 'Mum, I feel like I can't tell you things I want to keep private, because even when I've entrusted you with something, and you have been asked to keep it private, you tell the one person you know I really don't want you sharing my information with?'

As a mother that would absolutely kick me in the guts, and so it should. The trust and confidence of your children is such a treasure, and so fragile, it should be paramount.

This. Stop telling your Mum stuff you want kept private. She's shown you repeatedly, she can't keep your confidence.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 12/11/2023 14:19

Have you ever asked your aunt why she is such a bitch? You're an adult now so you don't have to be nice to her any more.
But yes sadly your mum is not going to change after all these years, so you have to tell her nothing, or accept that your aunt will be told and stop caring about that. Because in the end what does it matter what your aunt says?

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 12/11/2023 14:16

Sisterpita · 12/11/2023 14:10

Part of being an adult and changing the parent child relationships to an adult relationship is knowing that parents are not perfect.

My mum tells everyone everything. I realised that this is her nature and she would never change. I had to change so I stopped telling her things I didn’t want other people to know. We still have a good relationship but I do keep something’s private.

You know your Mum if you don’t want your aunt to know don’t tell your mum. You have to change not her.

I don't tell my mum any big things.

But the small things I tell her. And I feel like my mum tells my aunt - my every move.

One time I heard my mum on the phone to my aunt
.
She said "Sarah is going here. Then she is going there. Shell be getting the bus at 6
Then she'll be getting a taxi to the hotel. She is staying there for two days. Yeah her flight is at 9.
She is meeting her friend Alice there. Then they are going to another place to meet this person..then she'll be coming back on Monday".

I think my mum is a bit nervous of my aunt, as she babbles on and tells my aunt everything. My aunt doesn't tell my mum the same level of info about her own adult children.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 12/11/2023 14:12

Its just hard as I think it has also ruined a lot of the relationship between me and my mum
I've had so many small arguments with my mum, when I've said will you please not tell a my aunt anything, can we just privacy and have our own lives as a family.

But she will.

I've tried a couple of times to get on with my aunt for my mum's sake but it just doesn't work. She will be nasty to me about somehting again and I'll be hurt
we just can't get on , there is too much bad feeling between us

oh well. I'll just have to try tell my mum less

OP posts:

Sisterpita · 12/11/2023 14:10

Part of being an adult and changing the parent child relationships to an adult relationship is knowing that parents are not perfect.

My mum tells everyone everything. I realised that this is her nature and she would never change. I had to change so I stopped telling her things I didn’t want other people to know. We still have a good relationship but I do keep something’s private.

You know your Mum if you don’t want your aunt to know don’t tell your mum. You have to change not her.

ThinWomansBrain · 12/11/2023 14:10

as others have said, just don't tell her stuff, let her know why if she wonders why you're only having anodyne conversations about the weather.
If it's stuff you can't avoid - like needing assistance when you have a back problem, if you don't like your Aunt, you never see her, why do you care what she says/might say?

OneLittleFinger · 12/11/2023 14:07

I stopped telling my mumstuff years ago, as, despite my protestations she'd tell my sister who would then ithwr try to compete and outdo me or bully me about it. My mum was then unhappy ahead knew nothing about my life but it was her choice.

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 12/11/2023 14:06

Mari9999 · 12/11/2023 14:02

@Mooshamoo
You know that your aunt appears to be your mother's confident and sounding board. You can decide not to share information that you do not want passed on to others. Asking your mom not to tell Sally does not prohibit another relative from sharing the information with Sally.

Given the intensity of your dislike for your aunt and the level of closeness between the sisters, it would probably be better if you did not share the information with your mother.

Perhaps you can share with a sibling or close friend.

I definitely dislike my aunt.

When I was a child, she was actively nasty to me. She enjoyed praising my other cousins, and leaving me out. She enjoyed knocking me down.

When I was an adult, she has never said anything nice to me. She has only ever said nasty things to me.

If I ever do well in any area of life, my aunt is jealous and nasty. And she will try to knock me down. She is awful. She is not like an aunt at all.

I've pointed out to my mum that my aunt left me out of things when I was a child , while being lovely to other kids. my mum will say "ah but everyone has favourites".

Or if I say my aunt has said nasty things to me as an adult , my mum will say "well she had a hard life"

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 12/11/2023 14:05

Mooshamoo · 12/11/2023 14:00

I didn't want my mum to tell my aunt about my back injury as i know she will just probably have something nasty to say about it. Like "oh Sarah's pretending, her back can't be that bad, she's just lazy etc"

In that case you should have explicitly instructed your mother not to share the information and asserted yourself very strongly if she went against your expressed wishes. Stand up for yourself.

FictionalCharacter · 12/11/2023 14:04

Aquamarine1029 · 12/11/2023 13:53

You can't trust your mother to keep your confidence. It's sad, but true. You simply can't share anything you want to be kept private with her.

This. And the mother is being disloyal to her dd - dd should be her priority, not gossiping with her sister.

@Mooshamoo you'll have to stop telling her anything, and if she moans about you not talking to her, tell her straight that it's because she blabs everything to her sister. If you have to tell her something, like this medical issue, tell her to promise not to tell her sister like she did last time.

Mothership4two · 12/11/2023 14:03

Watsername · 12/11/2023 13:56

My mum tells her friends everything I tell her, so I have stopped telling her stuff.

My Mum tells her sisters and so I have done the same, don't tell her anything I wouldn't want repeated.

I'll take a secret to the grave. A couple of secrets have since come out and Mum is shocked that I knew something and didn't tell anyone/her.

Mari9999 · 12/11/2023 14:02

@Mooshamoo
You know that your aunt appears to be your mother's confident and sounding board. You can decide not to share information that you do not want passed on to others. Asking your mom not to tell Sally does not prohibit another relative from sharing the information with Sally.

Given the intensity of your dislike for your aunt and the level of closeness between the sisters, it would probably be better if you did not share the information with your mother.

Perhaps you can share with a sibling or close friend.

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 12/11/2023 14:00

I didn't want my mum to tell my aunt about my back injury as i know she will just probably have something nasty to say about it. Like "oh Sarah's pretending, her back can't be that bad, she's just lazy etc"

OP posts:

35965a · 12/11/2023 13:59

Mooshamoo · 12/11/2023 13:56

Ooh thats interesting. Are you going through the same thing. Are you not close to your aunt?

Show quote history

Yes it’s pretty much my exact situation! As a result I don’t talk to my mum about much because I know she will ‘accidentally’ let slip to my aunt, who has had a dislike for me since I was a child. It is a bit upsetting to realise I can’t be open with her in the way I would like. Like your mum she just can’t help herself and is very close to my aunt. I just keep a distance.

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 12/11/2023 13:59

MissingMoominMamma · 12/11/2023 13:57

Why doesn’t you mum understand your lack of relationship with your aunt?

Did something happen that she doesn’t know about?

She does know but I think she kind of plays it down in her mind, like "oh they'll get on eventually"

OP posts:

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 12/11/2023 13:58

Pumpkintastic · 12/11/2023 13:56

Why did you need to tell your Mum? Even medical conditions. You are not a child Nd she has no automatic right to know. When she asks you about it in future I would refuse to discuss it and let her know how let down you are that she couldn't respect your wishes and keep it private. It's the only wys she'll learn. Or continue as you are and accept her sister will be privy to everything you say to your Mum.

I told her because I needed her help. An old recurring back injury of mine played up and my back totally went out, and I physically couldn't move at all. I couldn't even get off the couch to stand up. Ilive alone and my mum lives near me. I asked her for help

I couldnt ask friends as they were all working. I work from home

OP posts:

MissingMoominMamma · 12/11/2023 13:57

Why doesn’t you mum understand your lack of relationship with your aunt?

Did something happen that she doesn’t know about?

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 12/11/2023 13:56

35965a · 12/11/2023 13:53

Are we sisters?! Just don’t tell your mum anything. Unfortunately you can’t trust her, she’s shown you this. She won’t change now.

Ooh thats interesting. Are you going through the same thing. Are you not close to your aunt?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 12/11/2023 13:56

Just stop telling your mum things. If she asks why, tell her you can't trust her to respect your privacy.