Son having sex: Everyone has an opinion that I didn’t ask for

Name change fail????

@Aphroditee to clarify, not daily not even weekly but when we can't find anything to eat off we will either ask him to sort it out or if he's not nine we will go and fetch it out. It's still our house even if it is his home.

Our cleaner goes in weekly as she does the entire house

Your son is an adult - and as such you ought to have more respect for his privacy.
His sex life really isn’t any of your business and is absolutely not the business of your friends!
If you don’t want him to have relationship with his girlfriend under your roof for whatever reason - that’s up to you, but have an adult conversation with him giving your reasons why it’s a problem for you and maybe you could consider a bit of compromise and agreeing to some boundaries.
You sound like a helicopter parent and you’ll end up driving him away.

Oh please. If we didn't go into our 26 yes TWENTY SIX year olds sons room (and yes he lives at home) we would never find half our crockery and shit would grow in there.

as usual people seem to have read the thread and only extracted the bits they can use to beat up the OP.

It sounds to me like the OP discovered that the DS had had the gf to stay and then made up some lame excuse that they’d fallen asleep (yeah right), and spoke to her friends about his just bringing the gf back for the night.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be told if your child is bringing back a gf/bf for the night if they’ve never stayed before. Living under her roof the OP is entitled to that courtesy,
Them having sex is a red herring. At 19 I would expect them to be having sex, not least as they’ve spent the night together. But I would expect the courtesy of being told if a child of mine wanted to have their gf to stay.

My DS is 21, he’s had his now ex to stay numerous times. I presumed they’ve had sex and frankly that’s none of my business. But I absolutely did have a conversation with him about being careful, both re birth control and STD’s, and the reality that if she fell pregnant he would have no control over what decision she made about that, whether she had an abortion or whether he would be a father for the rest of his life. But after that it was up to him. But I absolutely expected to be told if she was staying.

And by the same token, if I’d been dating someone and we’d got to a point of his coming back home with me I would have the courtesy to tell him that someone was staying with me.

It’s called consideration.

OP do your friends have dc? How old? They seem really weird

Sorry OP but it's not really your business and it's certainly not for you to spread about with your friends. This 'I need to offload' is just indulgent nonsense. No, you don't need to offload; you need a conversation with your son as to expectations in your home. That's it.

Your friends are giving you their views because you opened that door. Completely wrong of you and it very likely will get back to your son at some point.

Don't be the mother who discusses your children's private lives with your friends because I can tell you broadly how that ends. Your children keep stuff from you for evermore because they can't trust you.

So strange how you’ve gone into your adult child’s room to snoop around and acknowledged a condom wrapper. Then decided to pull it up with him and your friends. Unhinged.

He's 19. I'm amazed anyone would be shocked that a 19 year old was having sex.

Wow, sorry so many people have been so rude to you OP. Bit of a pile on isn’t it?

Well, I get it. Whether your kid is 15 or 25, when they start having sex that is a weird time for the parent, particularly when it’s in your house. Your turned to friends for comfort but they instead made you feel worse. The issue is that you need nicer (and less hypocritical) friends.

There's parenting issues and then there is telling private information about an adult to someone they wouldn't tell themselves.

He's 19, having sex is normal it's not a dilemma.

My son started having sex at 16 (though probably before as same girlfriend). I spoke to the girl's mum and we were on the same page - they are going to do it so we were not going to make a big deal of it, and we spoke to our children about respect, permission, birth control etc. Not that we talked about it much with others but everyone knew they were dating and assumed they were sleeping together. No judgment at all.

They find it weird to can you imagine walking in to your room that you have paid for and worked hard for to see your kids humping their girlfriend/boyfriend. They can move out and do that else where. I want freedom to do what the fuck I want in my house don't like it then leave.

He is 19 and knows to use protection. I don't understand the problem

I'd expect a 19 year old to be having sex. Very odd comments from your friends. I think it's also perfectly normal to discuss this as a parenting issue with friends. Just like people discuss loads of parenting stuff.

I don’t really understand what there was to offload?

This type of thing is why us mums of boys are given a bad name. MIL from hell kind of behaviour. Stop treating your adult male children like babies. I don't even coddle my 15 year old lad this much.

I agree that it is no business of yours to go into your sons sex life . He is 19.
lectures on contraception, consent etc are way past- and you have to hope the groundwork you did in his years between 10-18 (or whatever) instilled the knowledge he needs to make sensible decisions.
you also would be well placed to remember/know that “impulse control “ is one of the last bits of brain neurological development to happen and we now know it takes until around 23-25 to complete. Hence why the young take so many risks🙄🤷🏼‍♀️

BUT, it is your home, and all the time he is living there full time or part time if at university, you can have boundaries.

You can say to him his sex life , whilst not your business, is a matter he needs to keep under wraps (🤣) and that includes wrapping his flipping condoms and disposing of them and not leave them lying around in bedroom as it’s 🤢.

you can say he needs to wash it his sheets and keep the mattress clean. similarly the bathroom., kitchen etc.

you can say he does not ever disturb your peace by sounds of his active sex life or even lovely dovey French kissing slurps or even cutesy sickening pet names in your presence 🤢

amd you can say for fire safety purposes you need to know when he has someone staying in his room ahead of it, and you’re not going to go to lengths of having a clocking in/out system for this, just expect him to have courtesy to check it’s ok and inform you

that ultimately you have rights to who gets to come into your house and who doesn’t. And that includes gf and him😉. If she doesn’t follow your house rules, doesn’t clear up after herself and treats it like hotel then you have right to stop her coming over. You advise him to talk her through this, and can produce a “helpful” checklist for her if she wishes 🤣😱. You should also agree re meals, frequency etc- tell him even though he is joined at hip to said gf, you aren’t and have a right to privacy in your home most of the time.

I think people saying you shouldn’t be in his room, is naive. Any mum of late teen/young adult knows that’s a sure path to the mysterious depletion of crockery, mugs and glasses, and an aroma of stale linen and sweaty feet pervading the landing and bathroom. Whilst he needs to be responsible for cleaning his own room etc now, all e while he is living with you, you have rights to enter his room for emergency retrieval and disposal purposes which will, btw, result in some sort of ”fine”.

You don’t have to make it serious OP, just set out some boundaries. That way you’ll be saying you know what’s happening, you accept it even if not delighted it’s under your roof. And, frankly, that’s no different to knowing your random lodgers bf stays over and they have sex in the bed you’ve provided🫣and he is always hanging around so you don’t feel comfortable and relaxed in your own home at all times. It is an imposition. An occasional stay over isn’t a problem, it can be fun, interesting etc. but not a regular habit.

He is using protection I would have the talk with him about life responsibilities. Help him look for a room to help him move out.

You have absolutely no respect for your sons privacy.

Think about that, reflect on it and how you want your relationship with your son to develop now he is an adult. And drop the feigned drama about an adult having sex to your friends - do you really not have better things to chat about?

He's 19! Of course he's having sex, I'd think it a bit odd if he was still a virgin!

Only read first page …. He’s an adult !!! Leave him alone , if you haven’t given him the tools to run his life … you’ve missed that boat ! Poor guy , I’m guessing he won’t be your problem for long as he'll be out of there pronto 🤦‍♀️

Also your friends sound a bit thick - I mean most 19 year olds are having regular sex without getting pregnant and making their parents grandparents.

I have adult children. Their sex life is none of my business and I certainly wouldn't be discussing it with friends. I prepare them before they turn 16 after that it is nothing to do with me.

I have never understood this angst over allowing adult children to sleep with their adult partners in their own home. I think it's weird and controlling to have the 'not under my roof'.