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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to find other closeted bi women near me (Kent)?

110 replies

ChocBanana · 11/11/2023 22:29

I recently realised (aged 48, 49 in December) that I am bisexual. I have long thought I was bicurious but I suddenly realised that I was lying to myself, it’s not curiosity, it’s deep down desire for both sexes.
It has knocked me for six a bit but I am finally at peace with it, in my mind at least.
The only person I have told in real life is my husband, who is being very supportive. He is happy for me to sleep with women as long as it isn’t behind his back and I have no plans to leave.
My problem is that now I have accepted it and been accepted, I really, really want to find a woman who is in a similar position but I also don’t want anyone else to know.
I feel like I am finally being true to myself by acknowledging my sexuality but also that I can’t handle the truth getting out.
AIBU to want the best of both worlds? I want a woman I can share a physical and spiritual connection with but I absolutely don’t want an “out” relationship with her, for various reasons I don’t want to go into.
Does such a woman exist or am I just going to have to choose?

OP posts:
titchy · 11/11/2023 23:15

It’s literally not an affair when the person you’re married to says “I’m giving you permission

It is the literal definition of an affair.

letstrythatagain · 11/11/2023 23:15

titchy · 11/11/2023 23:05

Jesus, this whole thing is a fucking nightmare enough as it is without the barrage of abuse I appear to have walked into.

You think having an affair with a woman is ok. Different from having an affair with a man - if you were straight would you be posting about wanting to shag other men?

🙄🙄

Chatty432 · 11/11/2023 23:14

@DrFoxtrot snap lmao

Chatty432 · 11/11/2023 23:13

I don’t really care about any of this, I’m more bothered your posting in AIBU and getting annoyed at feedback. Try POF next time if it was only offers you were wanting

DrFoxtrot · 11/11/2023 23:13

Try Tinder, not MN

Original poster
ChocBanana · 11/11/2023 23:12

titchy · 11/11/2023 23:05

Jesus, this whole thing is a fucking nightmare enough as it is without the barrage of abuse I appear to have walked into.

You think having an affair with a woman is ok. Different from having an affair with a man - if you were straight would you be posting about wanting to shag other men?

It’s literally not an affair when the person you’re married to says “I’m giving you permission, as long as you don’t meet a stranger without telling me first for safety reasons. That’s not cheating as far as I’m concerned.”
So, yeah, if it was a man I was looking for, it would be the same. But it’s not.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocBanana · 11/11/2023 23:09

CandyLeBonBon · 11/11/2023 22:58

The problem is op that your approach is (unintentionally I'm sure) reinforcing the Hackneyed stereotype that bisexual people want to have their cake and eat it too - that they are promiscuous and incapable of monogamy.

If you'd mentioned your relationship issues in your op, you may may have received different responses - and there are often trolls coming on here stirring the pot to generate outrage so that's probably why you're getting a hard time.

I understand your reasons for suggesting this as a solution but unless it's simply no strings sex you're after, it's likely to feel unfulfilling long term and/or you'll develop feelings for someone which would threaten your marriage so you need to be mindful.

I understand that, thanks. I didn’t mention it because to be honest, it’s no one else’s business, I have his permission and that’s that. But I do know of many, many bi women in similar situations but nearly all of the ones I speak to are in America.

I can’t guarantee I won’t fall for someone else. If I do, I do. But initially it is just no strings I’m looking for. Without going into detail, my husband’s health issues are largely self inflicted. I spend most days trying to decide whether to go or to stay. I feel guilty for going because he now needs me and I didn’t go earlier. But I feel like shit for staying because this isn’t what I really want.
I’m kind of leaving it to fate to decide. My husband’s health is life limiting - he was told 10 years ago to make major lifestyle changes, but he didn’t because he thought they just say these things. They don’t just say these things. Now it’s essentially a waiting game - it’s why I am still here but I don’t want to put my life on hold any more either. And like I say, I have his permission.

OP posts:
Densol57 · 11/11/2023 23:07

Join Fab Swingers to meet like minded people. Trust me there are lots like you out there. Also swingers clubs too - a bi woman with a willing husband is VERY popular
good luck 👍🏼

titchy · 11/11/2023 23:05

Jesus, this whole thing is a fucking nightmare enough as it is without the barrage of abuse I appear to have walked into.

You think having an affair with a woman is ok. Different from having an affair with a man - if you were straight would you be posting about wanting to shag other men?

Janinejones · 11/11/2023 23:04

Sorry you are getting a hard time from people who have not read your original post.
I changed from men to women after divorce, and even that was not easy. On the old Sex Chat thread were many who said they had permission from husbands to sleep with women. I suspect some would want to hear what they did with each other in detail.
Coming out will be the least of your problems. Gay friendly pubs can be OK to meet women. Can be rough and ready. Avoid lifetime lesbians, some will call a Bi a 'tourist'!
PM me if you want to chat more. I have been on the dating thread and others with this name. Not just arrived.

gratefulcustomer · 11/11/2023 22:59

Actually nobody at all seems to care about your sexuality. It's your desire to cheat on your husband that people object to. Nobody has commented on sexuality except you.

As for the drip feed, maybe if you had led with 'my husband is impotent and we are trying to find ways to make our marriage work' you would have invited different conversations but honestly if he is really impotent, has he lost all interest in sexual activity? There are plenty of things you could do that don't involve an erect penis if he is willing? It may negate your need to look elsewhere. Especially if you're looking for a woman who would not be replacing the sex you say your husband cannot provide

letstrythatagain · 11/11/2023 22:59

OP just focus on the posts that are there to genuinely help and support you. Mumsnet is 90% full of women looking to put others down so ignore those ones. Never worth it.

Dating apps are probably the best way to go.

CandyLeBonBon · 11/11/2023 22:58

The problem is op that your approach is (unintentionally I'm sure) reinforcing the Hackneyed stereotype that bisexual people want to have their cake and eat it too - that they are promiscuous and incapable of monogamy.

If you'd mentioned your relationship issues in your op, you may may have received different responses - and there are often trolls coming on here stirring the pot to generate outrage so that's probably why you're getting a hard time.

I understand your reasons for suggesting this as a solution but unless it's simply no strings sex you're after, it's likely to feel unfulfilling long term and/or you'll develop feelings for someone which would threaten your marriage so you need to be mindful.

SomePosters · 11/11/2023 22:57

Just in case you didn’t know this kind of rhetoric is a big part of why bi women are treated with such mistrust by lesbians.

Sure there are other women like you who would like a secret side chick who won’t catch feelings and rock their boat just be really sure you’re not tramping all over someone’s heart to get your rocks off.

Original poster
ChocBanana · 11/11/2023 22:57

user1473878824 · 11/11/2023 22:55

No one is sneering at you or hurling abuse?

Are you reading the same thread. I clearly stated that my husband is fully on board.
Apparently, I’m a teenager looking for a bit on the side.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 11/11/2023 22:55

No one is sneering at you or hurling abuse?

Original poster
ChocBanana · 11/11/2023 22:52

Highlyflavouredgravy · 11/11/2023 22:42

Then maybe those websites would be a better place to look than mumsnet

Show quote history

The ones I am on are mostly full of Americans either living their best bi lives and not understanding why it’s not that easy or ultra uptight religious people who are 100% in the closet. I was looking for a British perspective is all but I’ll shut up now, obviously bisexuality is a can of worms round here.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocBanana · 11/11/2023 22:49

TyneTeas · 11/11/2023 22:39

In your OP you say "Does such a woman exist or am I just going to have to choose?"

and then you say "In my experience (online discussions) there are literally thousands of bi women married to men, many of who have their husband’s permission to play around. There are entire websites for that."

Which is it OP? What is it that you are looking for here?

I don’t fucking know, do I? I THINK I am looking for something casual and unofficial with my husband’s knowledge and permission. If that develops into something more, then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess.
Due to health issues (his, not mine) my husband and I haven’t had sex in well over two years but we are trying to work on the relationship as a whole.

Jesus, this whole thing is a fucking nightmare enough as it is without the barrage of abuse I appear to have walked into.

I didn’t choose to be this way. I didn’t choose to marry a man who would be essentially impotent by 45. I didn’t choose to have to consider divorce just so I can have my needs met. I didn’t choose to be so strongly attracted to the same sex that I would consider sleeping with them while married to a member of the opposite one.
I didn’t choose to lose hours of sleep and feel the absolute shame and guilt I feel about all of this.
I guess I should just go elsewhere, where I might get some actual advice instead of sneered at.

OP posts:
Tatumm · 11/11/2023 22:44

Being bi doesn’t equate to non-monogamy.
Maybe there’s something lacking in your relationship, is there scope to work on your feelings in that area? I agree with another poster who said it could threaten your relationship.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 11/11/2023 22:42

ChocBanana · 11/11/2023 22:36

In my experience (online discussions) there are literally thousands of bi women married to men, many of who have their husband’s permission to play around. There are entire websites for that.

Show quote history

Then maybe those websites would be a better place to look than mumsnet

Original poster
ChocBanana · 11/11/2023 22:41

Toughtips · 11/11/2023 22:37

Hey, so you won't get much help on here. But I recently came out as bisexual. Myself and my husband explored this together and we've had a few threesomes with another woman. If your husband's comfortable with opening up your relationship then you've got to discuss boundaries. You run the risk of falling in love with another woman if you're dating and sleeping together on your own. If you're wanting to explore I'd go along the threesome route. But again something both of you need to be happy with. Most bisexual or lesbian women won't want a secret relationship so good luck finding that. They don't want to feel like someone's dirty little secret. If your husband's into opening up tho and you'd be happy seeing him with other people look into the swinging scene. Pm me if you want to chat.

Thanks. I have actually spoken online with several women who would disagree with that, but as with practically the entire internet, they’re all in America.
I would like to PM you, actually, thanks, I’m interested to hear your experiences with coming out.

OP posts:
TyneTeas · 11/11/2023 22:39

In your OP you say "Does such a woman exist or am I just going to have to choose?"

and then you say "In my experience (online discussions) there are literally thousands of bi women married to men, many of who have their husband’s permission to play around. There are entire websites for that."

Which is it OP? What is it that you are looking for here?

Original poster
ChocBanana · 11/11/2023 22:38

Applesandpears23 · 11/11/2023 22:36

Dating apps are your friend. Be honest about what you want. Use a nickname and don’t load pics of your face.

Do try to be realistic though. You may well develop feelings that threaten your marriage.

Thank you for some sensible advice. I was warned that Mumsnet as a rule is pretty hostile towards bisexuals but it’s one of very few places I can post anonymously and reach a wide audience.

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 11/11/2023 22:38

Your expectations are very high and all on your terms. I can see it all ending in tears and your husband
walking away from your relationship.

realales · 11/11/2023 22:37

There was a group on here if bi women who met and had a private group chat. Maybe I could be added into that.