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Original poster

To not buy much for adult step daughter for Xmas?

140 replies

Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:06

I've been in her life for years, we get on well and I get on with her mum ( before anyone asks!)

She's 21 this year, moved out and independent since 18. Working full time, lives with boyfriend and does all the things she should be doing at 21.plen5y of cash floating about in their house ( probably more than ours!)

She flounced from her mums house at 18, was given the option to live with us and her sibling, but wanted to live with the boyfriend.
All fine she's an adult.

However, over the last 18 months there has been no acknowledgement at all about any of our birthdays/ Christmas , not so much as a text.

I tend to do the Xmas shopping and organising so put a lot of thought into both kids gifts etc.
After ignoring everyone else's milestones this year she's just sent me her ' wish list' for this year.. Its amounting to several hundred pounds ( and she's made a separate one for her boyfriend, whom we have yet to meet).
If I'm honest I'm very tempted to say no and get her a token gift for 'them' but then I feel bad as her sibling is younger and is still at the age of wanting actual toys.

So.. what do I do?
She has made zero effort over the last year to see or acknowledge anyone, despite much encouragement and shifting arrangements to meet for dinner etc ( us paying) she never acknowledged that she got gifts and cash last year never mind a thank you text.
But I've just got this list....

Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:43

Erm.. she sent the list to me. I have absolutely no influence on what her father does or does not do with regards to his adult child. Nor would I dream of it!

OP posts:
Ohdearwhatnow4 · 11/11/2023 08:41

Send her yours and family gift list, with expenses gifts and say I can't wait for Christmas this year now your a adult. Then buy her some bits and boyfriend token gifts

Rjahdhdvd · 11/11/2023 08:41

Christ the comments about her dad sorting it out grind on me as if the stepmum doesn’t have a role in it.
I would treat these as two separate issues; get her presents up to what you think is reasonable to spend on an adult child which generally is less than a child. Also make sure you tell her what you all want.
Then say to her separately to Christmas that you’re all hurt that she hasn’t acknowledged birthdays and part of being an adult and getting gifts is acknowledging and gifting to others and in the future you may all decide not to do as much if this is her approach.

Woman2023 · 11/11/2023 08:40

I don't buy Christmas presents based on how well my children remembered birthdays during the year. As adults they do get a bit less than previously, partly as I have less money to spare.

Surely her dad should be the primary person to decide on her present. Even if my kids were being a bit selfish I wouldn't want my partner telling me I shouldn't treat them.

Original poster
Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:40

I'll admit, that did cross my mind. She's slipped up a few times and told me about certain recreational activities he/ they take part in which I certainly wouldn't want to fund!
However, mum and dad have had the conversation with her and it resulted in her being incredibly defensive regarding the boyfriend so we are all on the same page with not wanting to alienate her!
I think we've all got our fingers crossed that she'll realise this is not the great relationship she thinks it is.. but she's an adult. There's only so much that can be done.

I love this young adult like my own, so of course I don't want to be the bad guy. We have always had a " aunt" kind of relationship. This is why our blending has worked.

I think the consensus is to hand this over to dad this year and let him deal with it.

OP posts:
TheCrystalPalace · 11/11/2023 08:40

Or,
"Thank you for the wish list. Here are ours."

TolkiensFallow · 11/11/2023 08:38

Or, if I had the balls, I’d text back

“I can’t afford anything from that list. However I hear wish lists can be sent to the following address;

Father Christmas, North Pole”

TolkiensFallow · 11/11/2023 08:36

I would buy her something but her dad does need to talk to her about her behaviour.

I wouldn’t buy anything from that list. I’d likely buy her fluffy slippers and a box of chocolates to share.

ScarlettSunset · 11/11/2023 08:34

I would probably buy her a gift, but it certainly wouldn't be from an expensive wishlist. That's fine if she made an effort and that's what you'd always agreed to, but that's clearly not the case.
And I wouldn't buy anything at all for someone I'd never met.
As others have said, this needs to be a conversation her dad has with her.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 11/11/2023 08:33

YABU to skivvy for this entitled twat brat. Her parents have raised a monster.

I’d spend £50 max. And nothing for the boyfriend.

Mrsjayy · 11/11/2023 08:29

so she's always got her Christmas list and the thoughtful bits you got her just cut down on the list but still give her some bits if that's what you want to do. I'm not really sure what you are asking do you not want to be the bad guy?

Merrymouse · 11/11/2023 08:28

I think there might be a bigger problem than the Christmas list.

If I am understanding correctly you are saying that she has been living with her boyfriend since she was 18, but nobody in the family has met the boyfriend. She doesn’t take part in family occasions, but you sometimes meet her for dinner if you pay. She has now sent you a list of expensive presents, plus presents for the boyfriend.

are the items on the list things that could be sold?

Original poster
Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:24

We've always done her list then I would do a few other bits with things that required more thought.. make up/ perfumes and such I knew she was after through the year etc)
So yes, I can hand it over to dad but she'll know I haven't done the ' extra' for her as I usually have.

Dad has met the boyfriend, they've had dinner etc together. Boyfriend is .. not a great choice ( no one have voiced this!) but I was 21 once and remember the bad boy allure!
They live 3 hours away near the uni she dropped out of because he was lonely when she went... thats a whole other thread!

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 11/11/2023 08:24

I’d ignore the list and buy them a gift card for a local restaurant as a joint present.

Why haven’t you met the BF?

Mrsjayy · 11/11/2023 08:23

I mean you can just buy her 1 thing from her list and leave it at that yanbu to do that.

Gillypie23 · 11/11/2023 08:22

Tell her no she's not having them. Get them a joint gift.

BorisIsACuntWaffle · 11/11/2023 08:21

You and her dad need to speak to her.
now you are a working adult it's usual to buy gifts and or cards for family members. It's too much to expect huge expensive gifts, especially when there has been no acknowledgement of anyone else's events by you
It comes across as cheeky and rude

Crumpetdisappointment · 11/11/2023 08:20

my own dd became quite self centered at that age.
can you extend the olive branch?
no need to buy something from an expensive list though

Merrymouse · 11/11/2023 08:17

She lives with her boyfriend but you haven’t met him yet? Has her father met him?

ohdamnitjanet · 11/11/2023 08:16

Wouldn’t buy her a thing, even if I really liked her. I would, however, send her your own wish list with equally expensive items on it for all the family.

Mazuslongtoenail · 11/11/2023 08:16

Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:11

Dad is waffling.. he'd just buy her list and be done with where as I have always put thought into her gifts.
If I hand it over to dad she'll know I've done so and wonder why.

That then opens a conversation I'm not sure she'll take well.
The cheapest thing on her list this year is £170!

I don’t quite understand. She sends a list but then you get her something else instead? So why does she send the list?

And if her Dad using the list opens a conversation that sounds like a good thing - chance to explain you’re disappointed at the lack of effort for everyone else’s events.

Mrsjayy · 11/11/2023 08:16

Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:11

Dad is waffling.. he'd just buy her list and be done with where as I have always put thought into her gifts.
If I hand it over to dad she'll know I've done so and wonder why.

That then opens a conversation I'm not sure she'll take well.
The cheapest thing on her list this year is £170!

why Can't you and her dad have that conversation? she hasn't acknowledged birthdays etc all year she's an adult most adults send birthday cards to family, if he wants to buy her the list that's up to him, but I don't know why you can't talk to him about it.

LoneFemaleTraveller · 11/11/2023 08:16

Merrymouse · 11/11/2023 08:13

Perhaps her behaviour is a response to her father’s delegation of parenting responsibilities to her step mother?

Quite.

Original poster
Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:16

Dad is and has always been very hands on.. but I tend to be the one who puts thought into Xmas.
I had a chat with her mum last night and apparently she's dealing with the same thing. Entitled attitude , no effort to see/ acknowledge her either so its not just us!

Do they grow out of this?
I'm pretty sure I'd be given a short sharp shock if I tried this with my folks at 21!

OP posts:
LoneFemaleTraveller · 11/11/2023 08:16

Leave it all to her dad. Dont give it another thought.