To not buy much for adult step daughter for Xmas?

This

Short, sharp shock time.

If she wants to be a grown up, she needs to take on the full mantle of it. No £170 presents (which is just one of a list!), and certainly NONE for the BF you've never met!

An idea my mum uses for family members just venturing out for the first time on their own, is to make them up a hamper. Some useful things for the house, like decent knives, some nice bedding etc, and some nice foody bits.

Always the excusers! It sounds more likely that she's a greedy ungrateful person. I wouldn't pass her demand list to her father, fathers tend to take the line of least resistance, he'd probably buy the lot! Send her some token gift, a box of chocolates, if she kicks off then tell her why.

Send her a list of expensive items for your wish list! What a cheeky mare. Even if she acknowledged milestones it’s so crass to send lists (especially expensive ones!) unless you requested she did. She’s supposed to be an independent adult not a child thinking Santa still exists.

No need to tiptoe round this. Send her a laughing emoji and a comment that you haven’t won the lottery and behave!

Good on her mum to say what she did to her DD. Even if there was a great relationship and no dubious boyfriend, the idea of presents the cheapest of which is £170 should be a no-no.

Just reply I thought you had stopped doing birthdays and Christmas?

I can't believe an adult is presenting a wish list where the cheapest thing is £170! Unbelievably cheeky.

Haha yes, send her your own wishlist of similarly expensive items, and then a list of suggestions for her Dad too.

In that case, her Mum really ought to be having a conversation with her about this.

My view (I still give a money gift to my 2 nieces for birthday and Xmas) is that once they are out of full-time education and in jobs, they are proper adults and join with the family gift conventions. That means reciprocating if gifts are given to adults, and at the same sort of 'level' (token if that's the convention).

Giving a list at any age would shut my wallet down completely. The boyfriend would get the token gift of chocolate but only if I'd MET him.

Trouble is it sounds like everyone is pandering to her. Its great you have a good relationship with her mum but I don't understand why no one has just responded to say unfortunately the gift list items are above our budget to spend on adults for Christmas but shall we agree a limit on how much we spend on each other going forward? Or you could be more direct and like a pp suggested just say you thought you weren't doing adult xmas/birthdays any more as she hadn't.

My DC are teens living at home and they still try to find ways to buy us gifts at Xmas without being asked.

Send her a list of your own 😂

how will she receive her present?
can you say you are coming round?

And make sure The List comes from dh's personal spends..

It's really heart warming to see you have such a good relationship with your DH exw. Lovely for DC you all spend Xmas together. A pity DSD does not want to attend but I'd invite her and bf anyway. Could setting a personal budget on gift giving help? I tell my adult DC their budget and they think what they'd like. They choose if they'd prefer 1 big gift or a few smaller gifts. I still make them stockings too.

I would tamper with the list then give it to dh... Seeing her unwrap a load of household items from Home Bargains would fill me with Christmas cheer.

I think it's great that you're going to have a chat with the mum but why haven't you just messaged her and said all the things on the list are a bit too expensive, sorry?
How much do you usually spend on her at Christmas? And do you think the dubious boyfriend is behind it?

Honestly, I'd just pull her up on it (with agreement of her Mum and Dad and as a united front). Acknowledge the list but point out that nobody is especially inclined to splash out on her at the moment given that she's not made an effort for anyone else over the past year, and didn't show gratitude for last Christmas.

She's an adult making her own way now, so the balance has changed. Yes as her parents you probably always will spend more on her than she on you, but it should be more even exchange now she's working and earning.

If everyone treads on eggshells around the issue how will she learn? It doesn't sound like she's overflowing with self awareness.

I set a budget for my 3 adult DC and ask them to choose a main gift. All the better if they send me a link. Then I make them their stockings which are similar every year of things I know they like eg a large bar of Toblerone, socks, air fresheners for cars etc. They would never just assume to send a wishlist or link unless I ask for one. Your DSD is rude. Her Dad needs to have a conversation with her now she has passed 21, as an adult DC this is what her budget will be for Xmas going forward.

If you have concerns about things being sold on, but would still like to give her/them something, you could try some of the subscription gifts. A book a month, a pack of undies a month, a small hamper of nice food a month. That kind of thing. Nothing there easily turned into cash, but takes thought and time to arrange, so may get you over feeling bad about ignoring the mad bonkers list!

Honestly I'd be tempted to reply "oh, I got the message you were didn't want to do Christmas/birthdays with us any more given we didn't hear from you last Christmas or on our birthdays"

Honestly I'm jealous she is able to even think up wish list. I'm so sick of being asked what I want for Christmas, I genuinely have no idea

🤣🤣🤣 brilliant.