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Original poster

To not buy much for adult step daughter for Xmas?

140 replies

Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:06

I've been in her life for years, we get on well and I get on with her mum ( before anyone asks!)

She's 21 this year, moved out and independent since 18. Working full time, lives with boyfriend and does all the things she should be doing at 21.plen5y of cash floating about in their house ( probably more than ours!)

She flounced from her mums house at 18, was given the option to live with us and her sibling, but wanted to live with the boyfriend.
All fine she's an adult.

However, over the last 18 months there has been no acknowledgement at all about any of our birthdays/ Christmas , not so much as a text.

I tend to do the Xmas shopping and organising so put a lot of thought into both kids gifts etc.
After ignoring everyone else's milestones this year she's just sent me her ' wish list' for this year.. Its amounting to several hundred pounds ( and she's made a separate one for her boyfriend, whom we have yet to meet).
If I'm honest I'm very tempted to say no and get her a token gift for 'them' but then I feel bad as her sibling is younger and is still at the age of wanting actual toys.

So.. what do I do?
She has made zero effort over the last year to see or acknowledge anyone, despite much encouragement and shifting arrangements to meet for dinner etc ( us paying) she never acknowledged that she got gifts and cash last year never mind a thank you text.
But I've just got this list....

Help!

OP posts:
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Original poster
Fixesplease · 30/10/2024 08:29

Just been notified this was resurrected from last year!

What happened was I stayed out of it!
She still got gifts of course, just not her ' list' and I believe both mum and dad done some yelling about her entitled attitude.

A full year forward... and she's not done a thing with birthday gifts/ cards for the rest of us, including her sibling.
Still with the boyfriend, ( and I've STILL not met him!)
Although I did see her face to face for the first time in a year for a family wedding a few months ago.

I have yet to have " the list" this year yet, although for those having a pop! I was never in charge of the list, it was merely a thing as I was the one who done the gift / birthday shopping!
( Like a lot of women, the mental load is one we tend to carry!)

The last I was told, ( via mum) was she's planning on having a baby and getting married to dubious boyfriend, both mum and I have told her under no uncertain terms that we will NOT be default childcare, mum was actually more firm than I on this one as she spent her younger years raising her and was very much one and done!

So yeah, nothing much to report on the gift front, let's see how it plays out this year!

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 27/10/2024 12:48

What about birthdays?

Why does everyone major on Xmas presents?

LittleMousewithcloggson · 27/10/2024 12:46

I know this is a zombie thread that was been reinstalled but now I want to know how it ended!
@Fixesplease what happened?

iamawarriorwhojustcrieseasily · 27/10/2024 12:28

I get you. But it's not your place to decide these things, however long you have been in her life. Mum and Dads job to discuss with her, and discuss with her they should before changes are made to the usual loadout she would get.

She is at an age where things are so exciting, especially if she has just moved out, and young adults can be easily distracted and thoughtless. She absolutely will forget birthdays etc ( especially if she has been reminded and supported to remember these things at home ) She also wont understand why people have been offended and upset unless it is pointed out to her. And has it been? And has she been told " Your list caused some negative feelings due to your lack of thought for us since you have become more independent" ? Until she has, its quite an unkind thing you're suggesting you do.

Singleandproud · 27/10/2024 11:44

@TinkerTiger it's a zombie thread from last year, presumably a gift of some sort was given (and hopefully received).

TinkerTiger · 27/10/2024 11:42

Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:11

Dad is waffling.. he'd just buy her list and be done with where as I have always put thought into her gifts.
If I hand it over to dad she'll know I've done so and wonder why.

That then opens a conversation I'm not sure she'll take well.
The cheapest thing on her list this year is £170!

This doesn’t make any sense. Surely if he’ll just get her what’s on the list she’ll be pleased? Why do you insist on being in control of ‘the list’? He’s her daughter he can get her whatever he wants from it.

TheBeesKnee · 27/10/2024 11:41

@Fixesplease

Can you please update us nosy gits on what happened? 🫣

Wayk · 27/10/2024 11:40

I has this with my niece, not even a thank you so I cut back but as this is your husband's daughter it may cause bad feelings. I would get your husband to text her and say we are cutting back for Xmas and either give her one item or cash of 100/150. Buy the boyfriend a box of body wash/ deodorant. Under no circumstances would I be entertaining a list of presents from the boyfriend.

GratefulOptimist · 27/10/2024 11:38

Btw to add to my post… I do a Christmas stocking containing little surprises for everyone including all adults for about £50 (but no lists from anyone!!!!)

OneEye · 27/10/2024 11:36

@GratefulOptimist why have you posted on a zombie thread? The last post was last year ? 11/11/2023 14:32

GratefulOptimist · 27/10/2024 11:34

I understand your frustration and it doesn’t stop as I’ve seen with my partner s daughter over the past decade!
My parter of 10 years has a married 31 year old daughter (no grandchildren) who sends him a long Christmas list of very expensive gifts via his ex wife annually! My partner comes from a working class background but is a self mad multi millionaire now and loves indulging his daughter 4figure amounts at Christmas but also all year around - eg luxury holidays for her and her husband etc ! He himself doesn’t holiday as says he doesn’t like travelling!!! So we rarely go on holidays ourselves!!!
By contrast, I have two sons from my first marriage in their early twenties, students who ask for nothing and their Christmas gifts are usually modest - an un extravagant secret Santa of £100-£150. Unlike my partner I was brought up in a middle class family, was privately educated but my parents had zero tolerance of greed and selfishness… I only remember making a list to Fr Christmas when I was a small child. I was brought up not to feel entitled and have raised my sons the same way.
Inwardly I find my partners daughter’s insatiable need for material things holidays all year round funded by my partner sickly, crass and vulgar… I’ve never shared this inward feeling as it would probably end our relationship!
When I subtly broached the subject etc he became very defensive telling me he adores his daughter and that she comes first before everyone including me and says what do you expect she is my only daughter of course she is precious!!!!! He then wonders why his daughter struggles with her weight etc…I keep my own theory on this to myself!
I have my personal thoughts about all this which I keep to myself in the knowledge that I can adore my sons without indulging them with material possessions….
I guess…. Horses for courses 🤷‍♀️

Draculina · 11/11/2023 14:32

I would text your step daughter back with an even more expensive wishlist of your own (cheapeast item should be minimum £180), and a following text that reads: "Thank you for sending me your Christmas wishlist. I have just sent you mine, as well. Hope you'll find it useful in your quest for my Christmas gift - looking forward to receiving it".

Differentstarts · 11/11/2023 13:02

If it was my child and they'd moved out I wouldn't be buying them much for Christmas as their an adult however a stepchild its upto her dad. Just don't get involved

Original poster
Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 13:01

onawave · 11/11/2023 12:46

If you had 2 children not 3 I would swear you're my mum. Christmas stockings don't count unless there's a toblerone in it in our family.

Show quote history

I'm in my 40s and my mum still makes me up a stocking which always includes a Toblerone too.. is this an mum of adults thing? 🤔

My siblings and I love getting our stocking, think we'd be gutted if she ever stopped.
I got hand warmers too in mine last year as apparently I'd been complaining all Winter about cold hands.

Ps, we do treat her now too, usually via ambush otherwise she tries to pay for things!

OP posts:
onawave · 11/11/2023 12:46

caringcarer · 11/11/2023 09:41

I set a budget for my 3 adult DC and ask them to choose a main gift. All the better if they send me a link. Then I make them their stockings which are similar every year of things I know they like eg a large bar of Toblerone, socks, air fresheners for cars etc. They would never just assume to send a wishlist or link unless I ask for one. Your DSD is rude. Her Dad needs to have a conversation with her now she has passed 21, as an adult DC this is what her budget will be for Xmas going forward.

If you had 2 children not 3 I would swear you're my mum. Christmas stockings don't count unless there's a toblerone in it in our family.

muddyford · 11/11/2023 12:29

When close relations didn't acknowledge our birthdays, including two significant ones, or Christmases we just sent cards. Any adult sending an unsolicited Christmas wishlist should be laughed at.

Original poster
Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 12:22

10HailMarys · 11/11/2023 11:36

Hmmm. I would be very, very worried about the relationship with the boyfriend. How old is he? She was 18 when she moved in with him; is he the same age?

Arrangements to meet constantly cancelled at the last minute. Asking for cash for rent and then still not paying the rent. Recreational drug use. Dropped out of university. Asking for a long list of expensive items for both of them when you don’t even know him. Boyfriend sending messages from her phone.

I don’t think I’d be focusing on the Christmas presents right now. I’d be a lot more worried about her being in an abusive relationship. Because I’m pretty sure that is what this is.

Show quote history

We've tried. We really have, she moved in with him just before her 19th birthday, he is the same age but had been living on his own a few years before.
First serious boyfriend for her, she's dove in head first.
Dad and mum have both have spent time with him, neither happy. However, when they raised their concerns with her regarding boyfriends behaviour ( that was seriously hard work, to get her to see them on her own) she doubled down and would not hear a word against him or his concerning behaviour.
She actually decided she wasn't speaking or seeing either of them until the apologised and promised not to bring it up again.
They haven't, and I can completely understand why.
I spoke to her the last time I saw her and said nothing about the boyfriend, just I loved her as did her sibling and if she ever wanted to talk she could come to me anytime.

Not sure what else can be done without pushing her away.

OP posts:
Hotchocolatemousse · 11/11/2023 12:03

Send her a wish list from individual family members amounting to several hundred pounds........ The cheeky, grasping mare..

TolkiensFallow · 11/11/2023 11:43

The dubious boyfriend is sounding increasingly worrying. I agree you need to be careful to make sure that you don’t alienate her with boundaries, but also she needs some boundaries!

Im so impressed with your relationship with the mum and how you are all so adult about things.

10HailMarys · 11/11/2023 11:36

Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 09:58

Possible that the dubious boyfriend is behind it, he has been known to send messages on her behalf, we have raised our concerns about this individually with her but has had her doubling down and we do not want a situation where she feels she HAS to stay with him when/ if she comes to her senses!

Hmmm. I would be very, very worried about the relationship with the boyfriend. How old is he? She was 18 when she moved in with him; is he the same age?

Arrangements to meet constantly cancelled at the last minute. Asking for cash for rent and then still not paying the rent. Recreational drug use. Dropped out of university. Asking for a long list of expensive items for both of them when you don’t even know him. Boyfriend sending messages from her phone.

I don’t think I’d be focusing on the Christmas presents right now. I’d be a lot more worried about her being in an abusive relationship. Because I’m pretty sure that is what this is.

Greenpolkadot · 11/11/2023 11:17

Just thinking OP...What will she be getting you for christmas? Does she give gifts to your other children.?
Its ok saying let her dad sort it out,, He probably will get everything on her list and then she's got her own way.

Teaandscone · 11/11/2023 11:15

Send her yours! Make sure it’s longer than hers.

Original poster
Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 10:56

Mum is ringing dad this afternoon to make sure they both agree. They do co parent really well and are both lovely people, just got together and had a baby young but not great for each other but they do do their best for their child.
Not entirely sure why daughter is acting as she is at., she never used to it's a recentish thing, not blaming the boyfriend but thats when this entitled palava started.

They are usually good at a united front, and he's not a Disney dad , but they have both spoilt her a bit I think.

It's probably me feeling guilty because I've always done ' special stuff' just for her but I'm seriously annoyed this year due to her bbehaviour to the rest of us!

OP posts:
Mayhemmumma · 11/11/2023 10:56

OP you sound like you're a really lovely step mum.

Cherrysoup · 11/11/2023 10:32

If mum has told her to get real (by the sounds of it), you need to ensure that message has got through to her dad too. I like the fake confused ‘thought we weren’t doing presents this year as you haven’t acknowledged birthdays etc’. Nice.