Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TW- abortion

32 replies

Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 18:45

I know this isn’t the right place to write this but I’m posting here for traffic.
i am booked in for a surgical abortion tomorrow morning. I don’t know what to do with the “remains”
I think it’s heartless to have it disposed of in the hospital…I quite like the idea of burying it at home with a tree or rose bush to mark it. I am 9 weeks (not my choice to leave it this long, due to my medical issues I wasn’t allowed to get a pill through bpas and it delayed the process)
My husband thinks it will cause emotional trauma for me to do this, and I’ll be unable to move on if I do.
Advice please?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/11/2024 18:06

Sorry to be an ignoramus but is there any protocol in Islam around miscarriage? Could you apply that to this sad situation?

I'd worry a little about a planter. Safer to bury in the ground, although if you moved, you'd need to consider that.

Annoymous3659 · 08/11/2024 18:00

If this would bring you closure I think it’s something to do. You can discuss your wishes with the staff.

I am booked for a surgical abortion. I have been asked to take a Mifepristone tablet before the procedure to soften my cervix. Did you have to do this? If so, what was your experience? X

Alltheyearround · 10/11/2023 09:15

Gentle hug 🌺

Original poster
Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 22:24

Thank you everybody for your replies. They’ve been very helpful and understanding. I think I will do as @Alltheyearround and other pp have said and get a planter.

@Diolchynfawr i do, but I wouldn’t want to risk it. Nice suggestion though

OP posts:
Diolchynfawr · 09/11/2023 20:45

Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 20:26

@CrispsandCheeseSandwich yes that thought is bothering me. I’m considering a planter?

Perhaps burial in the countryside could be an option? Do you live near a national park? Where you can return to visit any time?
I know there’s probably rules prohibiting usual burials there, but at 9 weeks post conception? I doubt there’s any rules about that.

Alltheyearround · 09/11/2023 20:41

I wished I had asked for the remains of mine (similar 9 weeks), but I was a teen and the hospital never broached it. Will only be a tiny bean, so you could use a nice pot with a rose. I wish I had had counselling afterwards as well, it was a very conflicted decision for me. Certainly felt grief for what might have been, even though it was the 'sensible' decision at the time.

Wishing you well @Peachyscream. Try to ignore those questioning your decision, in my view not appropriate as not what you were asking for help with.

Be gentle with yourself.

Diolchynfawr · 09/11/2023 20:40

I actully think burial in the garden near a rose bush is a lovely idea. Not sure why it would be problematic, I imagine it would bring closure.

Maryamlouise · 09/11/2023 20:36

I miscarried at about the same stage and we buried the remains and we both found it helpful

Dunnoburt · 09/11/2023 20:34

I buried my stillborn DS and never regretted it. I suspect if I hadn't then I'd have many regrets. Do whatever you need to. Thoughts with you x

neilyoungismyhero · 09/11/2023 20:29

It's no one else's business what you are choosing to do or why, not sure why they have to start questioning your motives. However, they've asked you've answered, don't beat yourself up.

Original poster
Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 20:26

@CrispsandCheeseSandwich yes that thought is bothering me. I’m considering a planter?

OP posts:
berryice · 09/11/2023 20:21

Sending you love and thoughts OP x

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 09/11/2023 19:59

If you buried them, how would you feel if you moved house? That would be my one point to consider there.

Original poster
Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 19:55

@Universalsnail
its exactly that. You’ve articulated it better than I have in my muddled brain.
It’s not strange is it? My husband thinks that will be detrimental to my mental health. I feel like I deserve to give the baby a place… like it’s respectful for the baby, it’s still my child. Yes I have emotions about it but haven’t let myself get too attached.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 09/11/2023 19:54

I'm sorry you are in this position. If you bury in the garden, would you then be setting yourself up for distress if you ever moved house? Can you bury in a cemetery and have a comemorative rose bush in a planter at home?

Universalsnail · 09/11/2023 19:49

I think considering you have negative feelings associated with having the abortion but are doing it for health reasons, you are uncomfortable with the hospital disposing of them and because the hospital will let you take them home then I would bury them deep in the garden and maybe hold a little ceremony for yourself.

I had a surgical abortion I was very cut up about and something like that would have helped me I think.

Original poster
Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 19:42

Abortion is against my religion unless the mothers life will be in danger. Yes, I am bending the rules but it’s not a black or white situation. I feel awful about it already. I just want to find the best solution for me.
thank you for the supportive posts. X

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 09/11/2023 19:12

If you check with hospital some will Bury instead of cremate. If you didn't want to bring home. Perhaps you could plant a tree or rosebush as a remembrance

minipie · 09/11/2023 19:04

Fedupmumofadultsons · 09/11/2023 19:02

Do you actually want an abortion. You don't want to cremate because of religion. But abortion will probably be against your religion as well .not judgement but seems strange to worry more on the cremation part .

Did you miss the bit where she says she can’t continue the pregnancy for health reasons?

Friendfoe1 · 09/11/2023 19:03

I had an ectopic, the hospital created the remains and they were scattered at the children/baby area at the local crematorium.

Fedupmumofadultsons · 09/11/2023 19:02

Do you actually want an abortion. You don't want to cremate because of religion. But abortion will probably be against your religion as well .not judgement but seems strange to worry more on the cremation part .

TrishIsMySpiritAnimal · 09/11/2023 19:00

Oh OP you poor thing!

Speak to the hospital - they dealt with it brilliantly and sensitively with my friend.

Take care - we support you!

overwhelmed2023 · 09/11/2023 18:58

Well if it's legal of course you can though personally I wouldn't choose to. What would be your usual burial ceremony can you follow that?

Original poster
Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 18:55

I am Muslim. We don’t cremate.

OP posts:
overwhelmed2023 · 09/11/2023 18:52

I had to have a termination as there was no foetal heart beat. I asked for the remains and we had a ceremony in the crematorium, but obviously you could equally have that at church - what is your religion ?