DH feels like I'm forcing him to do stuff

In your example, there would have been no meal for mil because he hadn’t bothered to book it. Particularly with his attitude there is no way I would be doing it for him.

The one sure way to get my ex to do anything is to get it 99% done myself and he would come in and tell me I'd done it wrong and do it again himself (generally to no significantly different effect).

His other trick was when there was a big risk (eg, we'd sold a vehicle, but the transaction wasn't being completed for a few days, and we were driving it in the meantime) he'd get me to do it, so if it went wrong, it was my fault.

It's lazy and manipulative.

My DH can be a bit passive about making decisions so I always say - I'm happy to choose if you want, but you've forfeited all right to complain about it. I don't even need to say it now because it is so firmly established - if you don't make the decision, you have no right to complain.

Why are you even involving yourself re his mother. That’s on him plain and simple.

That's what I was thinking. Both of your examples are about his family. It honestly wouldn't cross my mind to ask my husband about booking his mother's birthday dinner.

YABU to get involved in birthday arrangements for his mum. Just let him crash and burn if necessary, it's on him.

My EX was like this, in the end i used to say "im not making a decision its up to you", it would end up in a row as he would push and push for a decision and i would say that no matter what i chose it would be wrong so he needs to decide not me. Note, he is an ex.

Oh my DM does similar in reverse. She wants to buy something and gets one of us to do it. But she wants it done immediately. There's no sitting around having a think about what specifications she needs or wants or shopping around for the best deal. And absolutely no waiting until the sales!

She gets us to order on her behalf everything from renewing her car insurance to finding some obscure item online that she's decided she must have in her life. When it's on order she's pestering us daily wondering when it's going to arrive.

Then she grumbles that it wasn't what she wanted and that we made her buy it, and we get the blame forever more for making her buy the thing she always hated. There's been cars, TVs, furniture, pets, that she's found fault with and constantly brings up how we forced her into it.

She hates me because I've learned to refuse to decide for her.

If its got anything to do with his side of the family just remove it completely from your plate and leave him to sort stuff.

Why are you bringing up what needs doing for his mum? Just sort your own.

The only way to change people like this is to take them on at their own game. Refuse to make decisions and see how he reacts. It will lead to one of two things, either he'll have to make the decisions himself (in which case be supportive rather than copying his negativity) or he'll get pissed off that nothing is happening because nobody is deciding anything. If the latter, point out that he's 50% responsible for there being no decision.

People like this are often suffering from trauma caused by childhood experiences. If parents are too strict, in the sense that the child is not allowed to decide things or even challenge them, the child often develops the mindset that they're not allowed to make decisions or even that they are incapable of making them. This spills over into adult life. (I have a similar thing, I need to ask permission for everything.)

He's playing a game.

It's a win-win game for him.

He makes you choose by not doing anything. If it's ok that's fine. If it's not he blames you.

Either way he wins - he doesn't have to think about it and if it goes wrong he's got a ready made scapegoat.

My Ex used to play it a lot.

Things you can do to stop the game:

Say me and the kids are going to X do you want to join us

Stop planning any activity where it's primarily for him or his family.

Tell him to stop playing the game

A shady and contemptuous way to try and make you look bad, and protect their fragile ego because they weren't the one who made the "bad" decision. Got no time for it myself.