DH feels like I'm forcing him to do stuff

Just stop doing all of it. If he doesn't do it, it doesn't get done. Why is it your responsibility alone?

I had this kind of thing for 20 years as part of a much wider emotionally abusive relationship. He could never make a decision, with or without me, I would try writing everything down with pros and cons, telling him not to blame me when (inevitably) I had to make the final call and it didn't all work in his favour. I was never critical of any decisions of his, it came I think from his childhood. He is still the same. I had years of "well, YOU said...." whenever anything wasn't perfect even when I'd tried to get him to decide anything. It's lack of confidence at best (impossible to solve btw, no amount of bolstering worked in my xh's case) and manipulation at worst.

Oh didn’t realize it was an ancient thread! Sorry.

Yes, this is my approach. I organise the holidays etc and they work out just great for me!!

I don’t get involved in other stuff - up to DH whether he sorts anything out for Mother’s Day etc

Did you actively select that you wanted to start up this zombie thread?

This.

The asking about the holiday is presumably in front of the parents. So sh has to say yes or be the villain. That’s why it’s a rotten thing to do.

Another one whose mil would have never had a birthday dinner here. Just leave him to it, let the balls drop and shatter. In the case of visiting them, you say ‘oh I’m happy to stay if you want to darling. Just make up your mind in the next 10 minutes so I know if I can pour another glass.’

I don't know what I would say or do if my dh started asking me if I wanted to book a table for my mother's birthday.

I think I'd be genuinely confused as to why he was asking.

I will ask him if he wants to make the reservation for his mum's birthday dinner instead of straight up telling him to do it

Why are those the only options?

I’d not mention it and leave it down to him. If he doesn’t do it, then it doesn’t happen and he can explain to his mum why.

Why on earth are you booking lunch for his mum?! Stop the wifework!

Yes, except he'll then complain if anything goes wrong with the holidays because he has made the OP take on all the responsibility for the decision.

We were at his parent's anniversary celebration the other week, they asked us if we would like to stay for the holidays, he turned to me and asked me "what do you think?

I’m not dismissing the rest of your post, but I don’t get this bit. Should he not have asked you what you thought? Staying for the holidays is a fairly major decision, surely it’s one you should make together not just him on his own?

This drives me mad. I actually have a friend who does this, albeit on a lesser scale. She'll invariably say she doesn't mind when she's asked what restaurant/bar we should go to, and then will then immediately say 'No, I don't like it there' at every suggestion anyone makes. We've pointed this out to her and she always apologises, but she still does it every time.

Just organise the things that you are keen to do, and organise them to suit you.

Sod the rest. Don't even remind him.

when I pick something because he refuses to choose and then when something goes wrong he tells me "well you picked it"!!

That's why he does it. To avoid responsibly for anything. Like all the PP's have said.

I also agree that you should not bother with any of it.
Only organise the things you need and want.
There was absolutely no need for you to ask or remind him to book something for his mother.
You do not mention it. That's his responsibility.

Decisions that concern both of you should be made with joint input. His family's birthday celebrations are up to him to organise. You sound like you like the control aspect until it doesn’t go your way. You should both work towards trying to be a bit more equal in terms of decision making.

I’ve not voted because it’s too hard to judge without knowing more information.

I will ask him if he wants to make the reservation for his mum's birthday dinner instead of straight up telling him to do it, he'll say no, and then it leads to an argument because 10 restaurant suggestions by me and rejections by him later we've made no progress in the restaurant booking.

I would not have asked him or told him to do anything in this situation.

You’re not his mum and if he wants to reserve a restaurant booking then it’s on him to do it.

If he’s struggling and asks you for help that’s fine, but it’s not your job to be stressing over something that’s his responsibility.

I agree with him asking you whether you want to stay at his parents for the holidays, as that should be a discussion and not one person making the decisions.

Nothing would annoy me more than him not making a choice and moaning about my choice.

I think you need to make a choice and ask him for his choice.
If he says he doesn’t mind if whatever say fine we’ll go here but do not moan about my choice.
If he starts moaning then tell him to stop.

Its mad because this is a grown man and you’re having to treat him like you would a child.

Anything to do with DH’s family I do nothing. One year I reminded DH about Mother’s Day as we’d discussed going to a nice restaurant and treating his mum. He didn’t do it and by the time he got round to it the nice restaurants were all booked up. He’s been booking earlier ever since.

in your scenario if he asks what you want to do, throw it back at him, I’m free then up to you what would you like to do?

i always book restaurants as I research them and usually the restaurants I pick are perfect for us. Altho DH would never complain if they weren’t. Take the restaurant picking in turns. If he complains about your choices tell him to pick a better one then.

Sounds like maybe you need to stop trying to do things jointly with him.

Anything for the benefit of him or his family - don't get involved. He can choose to do stuff or not do stuff but you are in no way forcing him.

Anything for the benefit of you, your family or children - you choose. Ask him if he wants to come along but tell him clearly if he comes there can be no complaining about your choices - if he doesn't like something he needs to organise himself rather than sitting back and moaning.

DH used to do this and so I stopped including him in my plans with DS & have stopped caring about him doing things with his family either. He only realised how much he missed out on when DS started talking about one of the activities we did & apparently it was one he always wanted to do with him. But if you decide to snooze your way through life you can’t expect others to wait for you.

Very childish and unattractive

Leave him to arrange his Mum's own birthday meal

If he asks you to arrange it (and you're willing to), then give him two choices and let him make final decision

I've been drawn into this game. See also, you decide which route to take and then it's magically my fault if there happens to be a traffic jam that I couldn't have anticipated.

I then adopted a different approach: I'd recommend a route but it's not my responsibility if it's not the best as I cannot know for certain in advance. Or I will choose the restaurant unless you prefer to but don't complain it's my fault if it's not perfect. In other words, set out your boundaries. And be very clear that he was given the chance to comment/decide if he starts the blame game.

Why are you getting involved in his mum's birthday meal? That's the first thing that springs to mind here, tbh.

As for the second example, I don't see the issue with him asking for your opinion, really.