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Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
AbbeyGailsParty · 09/11/2023 18:30

Mumof3confused · 08/11/2023 10:39

He is showing you who he really is. The before bit was just a show to snare you.

Kick him out.

This.

Spoonfulrocks · 09/11/2023 18:29

Get rid.

nomadmummy · 09/11/2023 18:27

Who the hell are the 3% that think you are being unreasonable ?? This is abusive behaviour.

Mumof32017 · 09/11/2023 18:24

Fuck no! He’s a leech and piss taker. Sounds like my husband who I’m gearing up to leave as he’s so selfish, never contributes to anything - his one bill is the rent and even then he asks me for a top up. I pay for everything we do, if I didn’t plan and pay my kids would do and have sod all. Fuck him off if he’s unwilling to see your side.

defi · 09/11/2023 18:18

He's really landed on his feet

RamblingRosiePosy · 09/11/2023 18:17

He saw you coming.

Leo1195 · 09/11/2023 18:15

Most people will scream at you to move him out but it’s not as easy as that. have a proper conversation with him look at both of your finances and work out what is fair for the both of you to pay. Under no circumstances should you be paying for the majority when both of you have a job and are living there or should you be doing all the house work. Sit down like adults and work it and if he refuses then look at moving him out. Good luck!

Mittleme · 09/11/2023 18:13

Wow so is he living rent free ?

Justsaying22 · 09/11/2023 18:12

You know that you are not being unreasonable but still you allow this to go on. I’m not sure if you are afraid of being on your own, as otherwise I’m not sure why you would carry on paying for everything and allow him to live for free in your house.

PickyCat · 09/11/2023 18:07

Honestly I read threads like this and realise what a sheltered life I've lived. There are some utterly shit excuses for men out there and just when you think you've heard it all you hear some more.

And to @Nonimai can I say I'm so glad you got shot of your cocklodger, what a nasty experience.

Good luck to the OP and to anyone else who is dealing with or trying to get over anything similar.

Pussycat22 · 09/11/2023 18:04

Bye Bye baby bye bye .....

pphammer · 09/11/2023 18:02

Red flags all over... Watch out

MeinKraft · 09/11/2023 18:02

SleepingStandingUp · 09/11/2023 10:01

You need to be upfront.

When we lived apart you could afford to pay bills and treats, you enjoyed doing thoughtful things for me, you kept your palace tidy. Now you think I should do it all because I do it for my kids. You aren't my kid. You're my partner
Living together is supposed to benefit us both. How am I benefiting? You don't pay your way, you don't clean your home and we have less quality time together.
I think we moved in too soon.

All he will hear is blah blah blah.

Pamalot · 09/11/2023 17:59

The classic Cocklodger!

MeinKraft · 09/11/2023 17:58

The way I see it he is stealing from your children by expecting you to fund his lifestyle. Bin him off.

CandyLeBonBon · 09/11/2023 17:57

C1N1C · 09/11/2023 07:38

@CandyLeBonBon

Truthfully no, I missed the update (400 messages to scroll through!)... but I believe my comment still stands. Ignorance, taking it for granted, even turning a blind eye... I think a sensible thing would be to simply highlight the actual costs and give him an ultimatum.

So you didn't read the bit op him sneering at OP, when she raised the issue then? I really think reading the full thread - or at least the OP's contributions might be useful! I cant honestly see how you can genuinely think there's a valid reason for his behaviour.

Utterly bizarre Confused

Yeetpetite · 09/11/2023 17:56

PS just change the locks when he’s out and dump his stuff outside if he’s difficult about moving out if you ditch him (which I really hope you do as he sounds like an entitled narcissist). As he hasn’t contributed a penny he hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

Suchasonganddance · 09/11/2023 17:56

Have you no self respect. What an example you are setting your poor children.

Yeetpetite · 09/11/2023 17:52

I think he’s mugging you off personally and is taking advantage of your good nature. I find it hard to believe he was able to afford his own place, nights out and holidays, and now can’t afford to contribute anything at all to your home. My ex did this and I had to get rid as he did nothing to help & wanted me to pay for everything, I was actually better off him not being there, financially and mentally. Think you deserve better, and I’m sure he’ll suddenly find money to support himself if you kick him out. Good luck.

notagoodidea · 09/11/2023 17:52

Chase the bad boy and this is the result...

Bunchymcbunchface · 09/11/2023 17:49

No, you were love bombed.
it was basically a Mr nice guy’ act.
now he’s in and got his feet under the table he’s a full blown cocklodger.

talking to him will be an exercise in gaslighting and page 101 of the blame game. Not one bit of it will be his fault and you will be entirely unreasonable.

fairymary87 · 09/11/2023 17:19

Oh he's taking you for a ride sweetheart. I'm so sorry to say it, he's absolutely hooked you in and has no intention of paying you and never will. You need to break this off for the sake of your kids x

ToadOnTheHill · 09/11/2023 13:12

He was never "who he used to be".

He put on a mask.

That's how many women end up in abusive situations. A man diesnt hit a woman on the first date, coercively control her, or financially abuse her.

Useless men dont get a free ride by showing you that's what they want. They pretend to be generous, warm. Then when they get their feet under the table they rely on you chasing the high if the early days and you excusing their behavioural because you rationalise that they never used to he like that so you need to fix the problem (that doesnt exist).

They rely on you gas lighting yourself.

Newestname002 · 09/11/2023 11:13

Nonimai · 09/11/2023 07:15

I have been worrying foryou. I was in a similar situation but with one child. I had inherited my terraced house, met a seemingly generous and lovely man, moved him in. After a few weeks a friend told me he had cheated. I confronted him, asked him to leave. The next day he changed the locks on the house and put our clothes insuitcases which he threw into the garden. The police were no help at all. They went to see him and said he had a right to be there, it was a civil matter. Eventually I was able to evict him but it took about 15 wks. Fortunately I stayed with my parents, but otherwise I would have had an absolute nightmare, as it was I didn’t have my stuff or my daughters toys etc. He kept saying he wanted £20k for the inconvenience. I didn’t move anyone in again after that.

Well this is a salutary lesson if ever there was one. I'm even more determined to keep my home to myself without any potential hangers on. 🌹

SlipperyLizard · 09/11/2023 10:51

My friend’s ex is currently working through this manoeuvre on his new girlfriend.

Trips abroad, holidays with her & her kids, no doubt no expense spared. Except behind the scenes he’s drowning in debt and will inevitably go bankrupt soon. We’re waiting to see if he will manage to get her to allow him to move in before the house of cards comes crumbling down.

He’s a love bomber and potential cocklodger, just like your boyfriend OP.