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Original poster

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
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Blanca87 · 04/09/2024 16:56

I imagine as there is no update from the op the situation is still the same. Not that she has to, of course! However 28 pages of advice from people and she hasn’t come back, I would think she is probably embarrassed that he is still living there, ripping the piss out of her.

NovemberName · 04/09/2024 14:47

Hi @Bumblebeee33

Did you ever Chuck him out?

CantBelieveNaive · 04/08/2024 09:49

How are you feeling OP now that it's 9 months later?
Hope you are happier and more sorted.
You are a wonderful, strong and resourceful human being. I applaud you for bringing up your family as I know how much unseen and unappreciated hard work it can be. Every woman on this site will hear and understand you, believe me xxx 💝💝

PBandJ111 · 22/07/2024 05:45

What a duck! Get rid and ignore him. And certainly do not pay him a penny.

Nanaof1 · 22/07/2024 03:07

I have been hoping for an update also. @Bumblebeee33 I hope you got him out of your house and reclaimed your life.

Best wishes!

Wishicouldlovemyself · 21/07/2024 23:02

@Bumblebeee33 How are things now? Did you ask him to leave?

OhComeOnFFS · 24/12/2023 12:44

There are so many times when I hope the OP is a troll, because the idea of someone living with a man like this depresses me too much.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 24/12/2023 12:37

So he doesn't pay a penny, has lived there for 6 months + and you feed his child every other weekend ( and pay for anything that s/he does with you all during these weekends )

and sometimes if you both are in the supermarket he will contribute towards the groceries.

WOW he saw you coming didn't he, you're expenses each month have gone up - you went from a discounted Council Tax bill to the full amount, your gas/electricity went up as I guess there are times he is there and you are not.

Lucky boy to be living there rent free and no bills either, he must be saving a fortune !

It must almost be living at home when he was young, except now he has sex thrown in too.

What happened to his apartment - did he rent ? or has he put tenants in it ? Either way not your problem.

Please get rid of this waste of time as fast as you can !

and in future never ever let a boyfriend know you own your home outright !

Mercurysinretrograde · 24/12/2023 04:49

Christmas Eve is an excellent time to chuck the freeloader out. Good luck OP!!!

Justmeee22 · 24/12/2023 03:45

Pack the pisstaker's bags when he's at work, sling them out and change the locks etc

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 24/12/2023 01:26

merrywidow · 24/12/2023 00:33

I had one like this, it did not end well, I lost over £300k

Omg. What happened?

merrywidow · 24/12/2023 00:33

I had one like this, it did not end well, I lost over £300k

PKDaisy · 23/12/2023 22:14

Cocklodger alert. Tell him the door is the wooden thing in the wall.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 21/12/2023 22:41

Bumblebeee33 · 09/12/2023 11:17

Hi everyone, sorry for the long absence here. Times have been really tough both health wise and life wise. I’ve been away and not dealt with the situation as I had so much else to deal with. Now I’ve finally come round to talking and this is what’s happened.

He said that I would be paying my bills anyway and that he wasn’t contributing much to creating any extra expense. Maybe a few hundred a month. Then sarcastically told me he ‘appreciated’ that.

He said he didn’t need me to pay his bills as he was perfectly capable of paying them on his own.

He tells me he has paid for so many things for me before over our relationship that I am a total cow for bringing this up and that all I am interested in is money. All I wanted was acknowledgement for what I do and an offer to contribute in some way to show that!

I had mentioned that I do a lot for him by running the household and looking after everything and he just says that I don’t do it for him as I would be doing this anyway if he were here or not…

Then he tells me I don’t support him in any way and he feels he does everything alone.

He storms out saying he will invoice me for everything he has spent on me over our relationship and I can do the same but he knows that he will have spent more on me.

I’m at a loss as to what I feel right now.

He makes out that I am being so unreasonable and unappreciative. I don’t get it.

Wow he picked you deliberately as someone to pay bills and clean up after . He is there for a free ride . He’s not a partner he hides away.
Kick his arse out never mind wondering what to do . Sooner he is gone the better

oasiswon · 21/12/2023 09:02

Out the door before Christmas with him!

rainbowstardrops · 21/12/2023 08:57

What a nasty man! I hope you changed the locks and binned his sorry arse off @Bumblebeee33

Nanaof1 · 21/12/2023 08:38

@Bumblebeee33
I hope you are feeling better and have made some decisions about your living situation.
It's a bit worrying to not hear from you since he seems to be very abusive.

Please take care of yourself and your children and be strong.

Onestepbeyonnd · 21/12/2023 03:17

*without

Onestepbeyonnd · 21/12/2023 03:16

If he brings nothing to the relationship then what's the point of keeping him around, he's enjoyed his free ride, fook him off! You deserve better and kids need to be shown how a real man looks after a lady, not how to be a ponce.

You know what you need to do, change them locks and enjoy your home with that cf.

BusyMum47 · 20/12/2023 23:58

DUMP HIM!

Mumof32017 · 20/12/2023 19:05

Bumblebeee33 · 09/12/2023 11:17

Hi everyone, sorry for the long absence here. Times have been really tough both health wise and life wise. I’ve been away and not dealt with the situation as I had so much else to deal with. Now I’ve finally come round to talking and this is what’s happened.

He said that I would be paying my bills anyway and that he wasn’t contributing much to creating any extra expense. Maybe a few hundred a month. Then sarcastically told me he ‘appreciated’ that.

He said he didn’t need me to pay his bills as he was perfectly capable of paying them on his own.

He tells me he has paid for so many things for me before over our relationship that I am a total cow for bringing this up and that all I am interested in is money. All I wanted was acknowledgement for what I do and an offer to contribute in some way to show that!

I had mentioned that I do a lot for him by running the household and looking after everything and he just says that I don’t do it for him as I would be doing this anyway if he were here or not…

Then he tells me I don’t support him in any way and he feels he does everything alone.

He storms out saying he will invoice me for everything he has spent on me over our relationship and I can do the same but he knows that he will have spent more on me.

I’m at a loss as to what I feel right now.

He makes out that I am being so unreasonable and unappreciative. I don’t get it.

He stormed out? Good, fuck him off and change the locks.

Nanaof1 · 13/12/2023 19:09

Crunchymum · 09/12/2023 14:58

You are clearly in denial as you are unable / unwilling to deal with this effectively.

Whats the point of every single poster repeating the same advice to you?

Personally, I am hoping she gets her head out of the sand and stops making excuses as to why the cocklodger is still there. I am hoping she finally realizes the harm she is doing to her children and herself by letting this financial abuse continue and takes action to remedy the situation.

Also, I am hoping the OP sees that she and her children have value, and it is wrong on every level to not work at keeping/raising that value and dealing with things like this azzhat who is trying to erase it.

Nanaof1 · 13/12/2023 19:02

Arabellamiller12 · 09/12/2023 23:22

I used to have an abusive boss who used to say 'attack is the best defence' , his reaction reminds me of that boss!

I was also always told, "The best defense is a good offense". That is exactly what this worthless scum-bucket did. He managed to turn it around and let himself off of any responsibility.

I just hope and pray that the OP has finally had enough of this and decides she has value that exceeds his dick length.

Nanaof1 · 13/12/2023 18:56

moonbeammagic · 09/12/2023 16:28

You know what you need to do. You just need to ask yourself, why you are so reluctant to do it. Honestly, threads like these make me sad.

Threads like this make me sad too. It makes me sad that someone can be going through other issues, and their partner doesn't GAS. Then, when they try to put forth their feelings, the nasty person works at turning it around onto them, working at making themselves the victim.

OP--I feel for you. I really do. I don't know what health and other issues you have been dealing with, and I am sorry that you are going through them. But, letting this non-man leech off you, treat you so poorly and not stand up as a man, is just adding to your issues. Playing ostrich and not facing that fact is doing you no favors. Dig deep into your soul, find the strength and fortitude you need and send this cocklodger off to raise himself. There is no man, so good in the sack, that he is worth what he is doing to your self-confidence, self-worth and emotional well-being. YOU deserve better and if you cannot realize that and act on that for yourself, remember this. Your CHILDREN deserve better and you are depriving them of a safe and happy life filled with people they can look up to and emulate as they grow into adults. Not sure what sex/ages your children are, but I doubt you want your son to act like this azzhat and treat a partner like this in the future, and I doubt you want your daughter to grow up and get with someone like him.

It's time for you to set you all free to seek happiness and fulfillment and not be ground down every, single day.

Feel free to tell him this, "You are totally right. I would be doing all of these things and paying all of these bills, no matter if you are here or not. Since you don't add any positivity to this life of mine or my children's, I pick you not being here as the best choice for me and my family. This is non-negotiable and my final answer." Then show him to the door, change the locks, block him from all social media.

Arabellamiller12 · 09/12/2023 23:22

I used to have an abusive boss who used to say 'attack is the best defence' , his reaction reminds me of that boss!