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AIBU?

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Original poster

Relative burned through funds and now mooching

660 replies

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 22:41

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 05/11/2023 01:52

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:43

@Lysianthus She will eventually say it I think. But maybe after Xmas. If she does not, I will.

No she does not want him there long term, he eats a lot, wants wine with dinner, wants laundry done, yaps loudly on the phone all day, has weird night absences, leaves lights on etc

Well firstly he can't stay there without at least contributing to bills and grocery shopping for now. he is basically sponging off her?!

Fifteenth · 05/11/2023 01:12

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:06

He says rents are too high for him to afford!! And look at all the space my mum has in her house. My mum says she is not sleeping with the worry. I said come to me mummy but she is worried he will take her house if she stays with me for a while.

She is right. She should not move out.

LongDarkTeatime · 05/11/2023 00:45

As @5foot5 said, Christmas is a long way away. He needs to get started on finding new accommodation now. It will take a while. You, and any siblings, need to visit regularly to help your mum make this happen.

We had a relative ‘temporarily’ move in with our mum who never ‘found the right place’ to move out to. Then after years of being waited on hand-and-foot they decided they were an essential carer for our aging mum (rubbish). At least they worked and to be fair were some company. After over a decade of free living they’d ‘saved’ over £100k living off her pension and taking over most of the house.
I wish we’d managed to move them on in the early days. After over a year they were embedded in the largish house and wouldn’t accept anything less. Plus mum felt obliged due to relative’s slight MH issues. But on a weekly basis mum would phone saying she felt she couldn’t cope with them any longer. We’d decide on strategies then she’d back down the next day.

In short, act now.

5foot5 · 05/11/2023 00:26

Christmas is weeks away. Don’t put it off until then. If your Mum really wants him gone then presumably she will be happy for you to step in to help.

Give him a deadline of end of the month at the most. He can put his belongings in storage if necessary. The longer you leave it the harder it will get.

SavageTomato · 05/11/2023 00:25

He's a fucking lèech. Get rid.

Wingedharpy · 05/11/2023 00:21

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:43

@Lysianthus She will eventually say it I think. But maybe after Xmas. If she does not, I will.

No she does not want him there long term, he eats a lot, wants wine with dinner, wants laundry done, yaps loudly on the phone all day, has weird night absences, leaves lights on etc

She needs to tell him now if she wants him out after Christmas otherwise he'll say it's come completely out of the blue and if only he'd known he would have made different plans.

He stands a better chance of getting some employment, with accommodation included (?Hotel work)in the run up to Christmas rather than after.

And, change the locks once he's gone.

How old is your Mum?

TomatoSandwiches · 05/11/2023 00:18

You need to step in and get him gone, he will never leave, the sooner the better, don't leave it to your mum.

TheresaBouvey · 05/11/2023 00:10

Yeah he’ll never leave

you and your mum are too nice

pontipinemum · 05/11/2023 00:04

He needs to go! He will end up never leaving. Sorry just what I'm like so he's been living off 1m for 40 years about 25k per year. I know that goes a lot further in some places. But he has to have been doing something he can't have been living too much of a high life on that money.

But all that aside he needs to leave your mams house

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:55

No he is a guest so not paying any rent, she would not accept it anyway. He has moved all his possessions in too, some furniture etc, he has emigrated. It’s all in her garage.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 04/11/2023 23:49

Of course you need to say something if your Mum can't. Even if he can stay over Christmas, he needs to respect her house and do his share of the housework.

Divebar2021 · 04/11/2023 23:45

Is he even paying any rent ? Is she dealing with his food etc. I don’t know how old your mum is but it doesn’t sound like she wants to be the baddy and could probably do with you stepping up and issuing his marching orders.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:43

@Lysianthus She will eventually say it I think. But maybe after Xmas. If she does not, I will.

No she does not want him there long term, he eats a lot, wants wine with dinner, wants laundry done, yaps loudly on the phone all day, has weird night absences, leaves lights on etc

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2023 23:41

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:06

He says rents are too high for him to afford!! And look at all the space my mum has in her house. My mum says she is not sleeping with the worry. I said come to me mummy but she is worried he will take her house if she stays with me for a while.

WTF? She's "worried he will take her house"? He needs to be gone ASAP!

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2023 23:39

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:29

@Crumpleton he is living there atm, as he just came from abroad, thought he would stay a few weeks and rent a place but now he says he will be there for Xmas so it has been about 5 weeks now.

I think you need to, as @ElBandito said, "be straight with him "leave my mum alone" don't be polite, don't beat around the bush. He is out of order."

He is a 'guest' in your mother's house, and it isn't for him to say when he'll leave. A three way conversation is in order, during which it is made clear to him that living off your mother (I'd probably work the word 'parasite' in there somehow) will not be tolerated and it's best that he acts like an adult and moves out.

WhyDoIBloodyBother · 04/11/2023 23:39

but now he says he will be there for Xmas
Why didn’t she say that he needed to find his own place long before then? 5 weeks already?! No wonder she isn’t sleeping. She needs to tell him straight, no beating around the bush.

LaurieStrode · 04/11/2023 23:37

This is a case where I'd be tempted to hire three big strong blokes to stand over him until he packs and moves out.

Can't abide an entitled moocher.

Namerequired · 04/11/2023 23:35

You need to tell him no, he’s not staying there. Your mum needs her space. Have yous other family? Is your mum far from you? Move him in with you for a few weeks if you need to, to get him out of your mums and then move him out of yours. Do not let him settle at your mums, that’s awful.

Lysianthus · 04/11/2023 23:35

So a couple of questions. Is your mother capable of saying "this isn't working for me, you need to leave by the end of the week"?
If not, are you able to intervene?
Bottom line, he needs to leave your Mum's house. Now. Unless she's happy with him being there.
If not, off he hops.

Babyroobs · 04/11/2023 23:33

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:23

So how come on another thread there are talks of the homeless in tents? Is this just UK pensioner homeless that are taken care of? Hey wait a min, the person that bummed around Australia got £200 per week pension? so how come my mum only gets way less than full pension?? She was a housewife but volunteered.

Your mum may be eligible for pension credit if her state pension is low, it would depend whether she has a partner, private pension, savings etc.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:29

@Crumpleton he is living there atm, as he just came from abroad, thought he would stay a few weeks and rent a place but now he says he will be there for Xmas so it has been about 5 weeks now.

OP posts:
ElBandito · 04/11/2023 23:29

I would be straight with him "leave my mum alone" don't be polite, don't beat around the bush. He is out of order.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:23

So how come on another thread there are talks of the homeless in tents? Is this just UK pensioner homeless that are taken care of? Hey wait a min, the person that bummed around Australia got £200 per week pension? so how come my mum only gets way less than full pension?? She was a housewife but volunteered.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 04/11/2023 23:22

PosterBoy · 04/11/2023 22:47

He'll be fine. He can claim benefits if he has moved back permanently and he'll get pension credit instead of pension once he is 67. You might need to intervene to get him to move out though. Are you close with him if your mother stepped in as a mother figure?

Not necessarily. For most benefits (including UC, which is what he'd have to claim) you have to be "habitually resident" in the UK.

If he's been living abroad for a long time, he's unlikely to be regarded as habitually resident for while, although I don't think there's a period specified.

Crumpleton · 04/11/2023 23:21

Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room.

So is he living there or still hinting?

If he is and your mum doesn't now want him to be then she herself needs to tell him it's time to move out and give him a definite date.
If he doesn't go maybe it's time you did intervene, in your mum's company so that he knows she means it, and tell him how much his behaviour is impacting on your mum's health and to respect her decision.
Point him in the direction of CAB/Shelter and ask him to leave.