Relative burned through funds and now mooching

You need to step up to protect your mum and stop being such a wet blanket. He has clearly moved in permanently and your mum cannot cope with this or cope with getting him out. She sounds thoroughly intimidated and overwhelmed by the situation.

It’s your role to step up and protect her. You may need police help to get him to leave. They will not directly throw him out but can attend the scene when he is asked to leave to prevent a breach of the peace. You cannot expect your mum to cope with that on her own.

No way this can wait till after Christmas. He sounds very entitled and frankly saying a nightmare guest. I would not stand him longer than a week. I think it’s that generation who feel the obligation to help out regardless even if the person they’re helping out is taking a massive piss. My mother is the same although not to this extent.

Your mum needs to stop cooking for him, providing wine and doing his laundry! I’d also start interrupting the phone calls asking him to be quieter. Of course he doesn’t want to go when she’s subservient to him and waits on him.

This is probably the most batshit post ever to appear on MN. This has absolutely sod all to do with not wanting to know him now the cash has dried up. It’s everything to do with him wasting his money living the high life for years and expecting family to bail him out when the good times no longer roll.

And a million quid forty years ago was worth a lot more than it is now. If he’d invested it he could have worked as well, and still had a good lifestyle - and he’d have had a comfortable retirement. Instead he spent the lot without a thought for the future and is so entitled he thinks OP’s mum is his meal ticket. How does that make Op and her mum ‘unpleasant people’ ? Give your head a good wobble.

Its more than 25k a year over 40 years, unless he spent it all right away there is all the interest on the money too.

Your Mum has told you that "She's worried he will take her house if she comes to stay with you. That's as big a red flag as there is.

Your Mum is being cuckooed. You (ideally with others) urgently need to get over there and check what's happening. Is he accessing her bank accounts? savings? selling her valuables?

The link below is useful and you can involve the police if he won't move out. She's frightened and needs urgent help.

https://www.llradultsafeguarding.co.uk/guidance-for-working-with-adults-at-risk-of-exploitation-cuckooing/

Because it's morphed into just another tax. Time it was scrapped and income tax increased to compensate. At least there'd be more honesty and transparency.

You cannot mooch off someone,as mooch means to wander

It has a different meaning in Scotland. If you mooch off someone just like this man is doing you are called a moocher.

devils advocate here but.... no he cant just 'go out & get a job' with no work experiance or contacts because you dont think its fair he had alot of money & spent it (over nearly 40 years its about £25,000 a year! hardly pissing it up on demand)

I agree that he’s hardly been living the high life on approx 1 million spread over 35 - 40 years even if he has been living in the Far East.

But he really does need to give the OP’s mum her house and her life back pronto.

Can you go over and help your mum have the conversation? Say he’s needs to find somewhere by the 1st Dec. Email him all the places he can look / suggested here. Tell him what the plan is if he can’t find something (storage facility for stuff, shelter).

dont get into arguments about why he should stay - have a straightforward response like ‘mums too polite to say but she really needs her space to enjoy her retirement and doesn’t need someone to look after at her age.’

if he tries to draw you into his problems have the same answer ‘hmm, I’m not an expert, best you speak to the council’

then in the few days before the 1st Dec you / other family members stay at her house to ensure it happens.

don’t suggest 1st Jan as he’ll use Xmas as an excuse as many services closed. Also do you really want him spoiling your mums Xmas? Better to have him as a welcome day guest than as an unwanted lodger.

No way this guy will be gone by Christmas! My uncle did similar to my nan (without the million!), and next step will likely be post arriving addressed to him at your mum’s, bank account/credit cards etc. registered there. My uncle ended up pressuring my Nan to leave most of the value of her (small) house to him, and the remainder divided by 5 siblings. Entirely self-interested and deceptive. Always had some ‘big plan’ for success, all nonsense. After she died he disappeared again until he’d wasted most of what she’d left, then emerged asking to stay with various siblings (who luckily said no). Who knows where he is now - probably draining some unsuspecting woman’s bank account! Total vulture. I feel for you if you have the misfortune to know anyone like this, they’re vile.

Too late, tell him a couple of days.

Your poor mum 😥

I would meet with him (preferrably with other relatives/friends) and explain that the situation is making her ill and she cannot house him. Give him a move out date, preferrably before Christmas.

There are loads of Christmas temp jobs going. He could get something.

If he's genuinely stressed and upset offer to accompany him to CAB.

If he gets arsey tell him you will be involving social services over concerns about elder ebuse.

Good Luck, I hope it all gets sorted out soon.

Go round with bin bags, chuck his stuff in them, out them by the door and change the locks. He's not her problem.

Just change the locks, secure the house and then have her stay with you a couple of nights?

He's very lucky to have had a safe landing and to live in a country where you don't have to put anything in to get something out. Personally I think anyone who has lived abroad all of their adult lives shouldn't be allowed to return and claim benefits. It's outrageous

they can’t

and often this comes as a big shock, they may be able to get pension credit but are not able to just move back to U.K. and get benefits. They often shout about being an immigrant to get everything, but that’s mostly myth as well

I haven’t read the full thread but OP, is your mum claiming any benefits that may be affected by him staying with her ? Off the top of my head if she gets single persons council tax reduction or housing benefit, they will almost certainly be affected.

This is definitely a safeguarding issue, your Mum as a vulnerable adult is being taken advantage of financially, she may be being emotionally abused as well, it is impacting her physical and mental health - definitely contact your local safeguarding team.

A question many ask about non-contributors!

You need to tell him to move out. He clearly doesn't want to. You need to make it unpleasant enough that he doesn't want to stay. I'd phone him daily and tell him so.

Your mum needs to stop buying him wine and cleaning his sheets.

Give him notice ,help him pack and call the police if he refuses to leave .then changethelocks

Op .can you come back and tell us you are getting this man out ....your mum clearly can't ...she needs you to do it now ,not after Christmas,when he will then find another reason not to go .

It might help if you let mash know at your local council - https://www.coventry.gov.uk/mash tell them you fear financial abuse as he’s jyst moved himself in and taken over. Coming and going in the night and your mother is frighten but to frightened to say

Sorry but who do you think sells the big issue? It’s there to help those with criminal records get work. What’s an acceptable big issue seller, skint sex offender with left wing views?

There are plenty of over 55s accommodation with council that are cheap

get him to fill out application and get it in with council and get his budding number so you can make sure he bids every week.

make sure he know he can’t stay living with your mum as her health is suffering and that’s not acceptable

I agree with this.

He needs to be given notice to leave. Two weeks. He needs to put his possessions to in storage or to sell them. You need professional support try AGE UK as PP said

It is elder abuse. He could change the will.

I've also heard it called cuckooing where an able person moves into a vulnerable persons accommodation and takes over. But usually in relation to drugs.

Do not allow your mum to leave the house. I'd move in if I could but this may not be feasible.

Do not allow this to rumble on