Relative burned through funds and now mooching

For goodness sake - leaving him alone in her house?! You must be joking! Has anyone told him in no uncertain terms he has to go, - or just pussyfooted round the issue giving hints? With someone this thick you'd have to be blunt and spell it out - locks changed, too. He needs to be firmly told he's got to go and given a date to be out. If he won't then your mother may need to get legal advice. It's not an easy situation if there's a family history between him and your mother, but your mother needs to think of the long-term implications of allowing this man to continue to live in her house. Not a nice thought, but it has to be faced because he sounds a chancer. Next thing she knows there could be a 'friend' moving in.

Your poor mum has already told you she is so worried that she is not sleeping and can't visit you because she is worried he'll take her house and you plan to do nothing till after Xmas? I actually can't believe what I'm reading. What is wrong with you? Step the fuck up and help your elderly mum . Get the rest of the family or the authorities involved if you need to. Tell him in no uncertain terms he needs to leave by the end of the week . If he doesn't wait till he goes on one of his nights out, pack his stuff and change the locks. He will absolutely be after staying permanently in your mums house then taking the house after her death.

I really don't think an elderly woman should be pushed into downsizing or moving out of her home early because of this guy's selfishness.

He just needs to leave.

OP, where did he stay when he first arrived back in the UK?

Have to be careful with believing any outcome of that though, if he tells them that he could live in his aunts house, they might say they have no duty and then he'll come crawling back saying they wont help him and the aunty might feel she is obliged to house him (she is not obliged)

She needs to write a letter saying he is not able to live there

This.

I am roughly the same age as this man. When I got my first graduate job about 40 years ago I was earning £7.5k,rising to about £9k in a year. I considered myself well paid and was able to buy my first, albeit small, house.

Having said that I think even at that age I was aware that a million wasn't really enough to consider living off for the rest of my life. I remember a few years later when the National Lottery was starting, having this sort of conversation with friends, and we figured that people our age would need to come in to at least £4million to be able to just give up and live comfortably for the rest of our lives.

But all in all, what a waste of his life.

It needs to happen now.
'I want to be clear with you Tom. You can't continue to stay here. I simply do not want to live with anyone. I'd like you to leave by the end of the week and remove your things from the garage please.'
When he bullies her, which he will, with 'But you have space', 'Where do you expect me to go?' the answer is ' You need to sort that out. I am telling you to leave my house. I don't want to fall out with you but this is my home and I am very unhappy with you being here.'

This, word for word, is what needs saying. But I'm really concerned that neither you nor your mum are forceful and strong enough to get this message across.

Is there an absolutely calm, strong person in either of your lives, that will come and back you both up? And deliver that message if necessary? It pains me to say that it might be helpful if it's a man, but where the two women involved are possibly too nice to do it, a male presence is probably good.

Re the £25k. Living in Thailand, the Philippines etc was very cheap. I was backpacking 30 years ago, and I remember staying in a lovely hotel with an en-suite in Bali for £5 a night! There were loads of people bumming round and living the high life then. (Actually, I remember staying in a hotel in Paris for £5 a night 40 years ago!)

By the sound of it he has a lot of experience of bars. That would be a more logical job for him.

He is abusing your mums goodwill and causing her stress, if you can get your mum to agree, I'd threaten him that if he's not gone in 2 weeks you'll ring social services and report him for financial abuse.

OMG, what makes you think this lay about, lazy, "womaniser", who has never had a job, let alone any experience in care, would be qualified for a post as a live in carer?
You have a very low opinion of carers don't you?

Actually I think you and your mum need to sit him down now and say its time for you to move out
Give him a week but stick to it .He needs to go and sort out cash house etc. Really important that your mum sticks to this and the pressure is going to be intense on her . I would move in with her near the exit time tbh .Otherwise she is going to be his servant and paying for him till she has nothing left

devils advocate here but.... no he cant just 'go out & get a job' with no work experiance or contacts because you dont think its fair

What utter bollocks. Jobs have NEVER been easier to come by. He could walk into a retail or admin job at the drop of a hat. People who flee from wars or poverty, and arrive in this country with nothing, manage to find jobs, so this lazy scrounger can certainly find one.

Too late now but I would have paid a couple of weeks rent on a holiday house or something as a good will gesture and left him to it. You had the perfect excuse for him not staying at hers as she is too old. My MIL never has anyone to stay and makes it clear. You have all been too soft.

This is awful and I think you have to intervene. He's planning to move in, wait till she does and keep the house.

If you don't do something the rest of her life will be constant stress.

Yes, you need to act fast to prevent him from becoming habitually resident there.

I wonder what he is doing when he goes out at night? I suspect it’s dating, trying to find a new girlfriend with whom he can live.

The problem is that most of the accommodation-provided roles traditionally done by male ‘drifters’, such as working on farms, ships or oil rigs, need men who are relatively young and fit.

He's not planning on going anywhere.
You need to help your mum get him out before he tries to gain control of her house.

Forgive me but how old is your mum? Has he come now to get his feet under the table so he can claim a right to live in the house after she passes?

He's moved all his stuff in. He's not going to go unless you physically make him and the longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

Be blunt. Tell him you know what he's trying to do and you absolutely will not allow it.

This.

Start sowing the seeds of her needing to downsize.

Yes, absolutely you should step in.
Your mum is in a vulnerable position and he is clearly taking advantage.
You both need to ask him to leave. I would also be thinking along the lines of financial abuse and wold consider contacting SS if he is difficult about leaving.
He has made his choices and now he needs to deal with them.

Even if I had @Teateaandmoretea, it would definitely have lasted me a lifetime. One million was worth more than twice as much, then.

If you’d maintained the same spending and chosen to. The vast majority of people given the choice would choose a higher standard of living though, I certainly would.

It wouldn’t decline by 25k due to interest/ investment returns but taking that much out would certainly have reduced the value of the capital - as a million is worth less now than 25 years ago.

It would have lasted me a lifetime @Teateaandmoretea. I earned 10k a year in 1991, and bought my first flat for just under 30k.

Yes, the lump sum reduces by 25k a year by your reckoning, which means that for 20 years, he had at least 500,000 in the bank gaining interest.

It isn't difficult. It just needs to be said very clearly asap and reinforced with no discussion. It might be best if you were with your mum for support. Now, not after Christmas- which means after New Year and 9 or 10 weeks away. It needs to happen now.
'I want to be clear with you Tom. You can't continue to stay here. I simply do not want to live with anyone. I'd like you to leave by the end of the week and remove your things from the garage please.'
When he bullies her, which he will, with 'But you have space', 'Where do you expect me to go?' the answer is ' You need to sort that out. I am telling you to leave my house. I don't want to fall out with you but this is my home and I am very unhappy with you being here.'
Could you stay with your mum for the week until he moves out?

What about council tax? Is he registered as staying there? Your poor mum.

But spending 25k a year is eroding the value of the lump sum so you could never have drawn that much. £1m was never enough to live on forever in the 90s, but he is clearly a short termist who just lives for the moment. Anyone sensible would have used it for security, bought a lovely house and looked forward to early retirement.