Page 20 | Relative burned through funds and now mooching

coldcallerbaiter · 2023-11-04T22:41:57+00:00

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

rainingsnoring · 05/11/2023 11:06

He is obviously not a good carer as he is making a woman in her 80s look after his basic needs.

rainingsnoring · 05/11/2023 11:05

She doesn't sound very feisty if she is actually agreeing to change his sheets every day, do his laundry and cook his food. This is ridiculous and of course you should step in and protect your mum.

Livingtothefull · 05/11/2023 11:04

Are you absolutely sure he has burned through all his money? Or is he keeping quiet about what he still has, & returned to the UK with a sob story about being penniless as part of a plan to gain your DM's assets too?

It will be interesting to see what happens when you finally get him out (which you must).

And no to his being a live in carer. Contrary to the views of so many, it is not work that anyone can do.....you need soft skills that your relative is most unlikely to have, as well as integrity. I have a close relative who needs carers and it makes me angry how poorly regarded and rewarded they are already.

saraclara · 05/11/2023 11:04

he wants his sheets changed everyday

If your mum is feisty, I hope she showed him where the washng machine is. Pleasetell me that an 80 year old is not changing the sheets herself every day.

Original poster

coldcallerbaiter · 05/11/2023 11:00

I woke up to all these replies, the things you are saying could have come out of mine dh and dc mouths. The premeditated part, my step dad died and he got the ball rolling then, emigrated within a year. He had the money but not enough for a lifetime but his life style bought him a flat with pool in gated community, staff, and he is used to buying women. I won’t say which country as it’s outing but you might guess. He has never worked. He was always the show off guy on fb to his friends back home in the rain flogging, sitting with a cocktail. That’s the vibe I got.

I spoke to him when we went over to dim 2 weeks ago. I live quite a few hours away drive. I questioned him and he told me he is not entitled to benefits. I said to him that his predicament was his own fault as we had watched him fritter his money away with no backup plan. I say a million but that is ball park. He gave me the silent treatment after that and went out so as not to talk to me anymore.

Yes dmis in 80s and has the usual health probs but at her age she could go downhill. He hinted he would be a good carer. I laughed at that, he wants his sheets changed everyday and she is looking after him. He cannot shower and change my dm when incapacitated as a male relative, she would not want that. We have a care plan in place. It will be me in combination with her friends daughter and her cleaner, as we do not want her to go in to a home if poss.

he will be there for Xmas that is set in stone, as dm offered it, but I think he has to go after. After I spoke to him, my dm said he was depressed and his life wasn’t worth living. So he is playing that card now.

Dm is feisty but kind. I worry if her mind starts to fog with age he can get his claws in.

the bottom line is he says he will be on the streets. He has a few friends nationwide and he is planning on visiting them and staying with. But they will dry up
if he stays too long I bet.

OP posts:

Rosscameasdoody · 05/11/2023 10:58

Appleofmyeye2023 · 05/11/2023 09:52

Gosh, that a very long time. I did mine around 5 years ago and it was literally 3 weeks wait once we got the forms right and sent in.
getting forms right is difficult imho, it’s one hell of a lot of signatures that all need witnesses and getting everyone together to do it on hard copies took a bit of logistics.

but the actually processing and registration in public guardianship was quick

my understanding is that they have to keep lead times short due to urgency of the matter. A lot of people don’t do LPOA in advance and wait until emergency is imminent, so a fast turn around is needed. That was case with my FIL too, they didn’t do a LPOA , mainly becuase law had only just changed form enduring POA which they didn’t want. Suddenly he was in hospital. Elderly, cancer and needed my husband to do LPOA tasks. Once we sorted out forms it came through in literally days as we put covering note on to say FIL was terminal with the doctors letter to state he was however mental competent

Show quote history

Ours took around 8 weeks to register 3 years ago.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/11/2023 10:53

No more wine with dinner
no more doing his laundry
no more assistance with anything
ask for a control towards food and bills
have an end date

All2Well · 05/11/2023 10:42

Just as a further idea.

Tell him he has until 30th November/1st December to find alternative accomodation and inform him that if he has not found somewhere by then, he will find the locks have been changed and his personal property removed. Tell him you will involve the police if necessary and that you (or another relative) will be staying at the property with your mother to ensure everything goes smoothly.

Riverlee · 05/11/2023 10:39

“and lets face it, he won't be going at Xmas either!!”

So true.

XiCi · 05/11/2023 10:35

Just as an aside to all of this, do not underestimate how much of an effect not sleeping will be having on your mum. We are only just beginning to understand the impact of it, but the effect on health both physically and mentally is huge. She is clearly saying to you that she needs help. Please don't leave her till Xmas (and lets face it, he won't be going at Xmas either!!)

wildwestpioneer · 05/11/2023 10:27

Can you go and stay with your dm for a week, when you arrive give him a date to move out, say 5 days, and inform the police this has happened, so on that day they will come and supervise his departure.

user1471538283 · 05/11/2023 10:22

Regardless how much money he had or how much he has now he is not your DMs or your responsibility.

He's an older man! He will have to figure it out. Most of us have had to sort our own lives out why should he be any different?

I would tell him straight. He leaves today. He's got a week to clear his belongings out of the garage or you dispose of them for him.

Whenever he goes or whatever he does it's not your concern.

He goes. Today.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 05/11/2023 10:16

He's trying to take advantage of your elderly mother. Ask for help in getting him removed immediately.

Dogknowsbest · 05/11/2023 10:05

ForfarBridie · 05/11/2023 08:17

1 million divided by 40 is 25,000 a year.

1 million divided by 35 as we don’t know how old he was when he got the money is approx 28,000 a year.

And I doubt he have received much interest.

Even by Far East standards he hasn’t burned through the money.

Show quote history

He will have burnt through the money. It's easy enough to do, particularly if you're not earning anything or adjusting your lifestyle over a period of time.

Bearcheek · 05/11/2023 09:58

I think your mum is right, she should absolutely not leave her home.
He needs to be given a clear date to leave. Your mum doesn't need to give a reason.
If he's not gone by then, change the locks and leave his stuff on the curb.
He is a grown man and he is taking advantage of your mum, big time. This situation could get a lot worse if not dealt with assertively and swiftly.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 05/11/2023 09:52

5foot5 · 05/11/2023 09:43

POA for OP is a good idea but be aware it takes a while to set up. We have just done it. We put all the forms in early July and we just got the final thing through to say it was registered this week. The people who have been granted POA still haven't been notified

Gosh, that a very long time. I did mine around 5 years ago and it was literally 3 weeks wait once we got the forms right and sent in.
getting forms right is difficult imho, it’s one hell of a lot of signatures that all need witnesses and getting everyone together to do it on hard copies took a bit of logistics.

but the actually processing and registration in public guardianship was quick

my understanding is that they have to keep lead times short due to urgency of the matter. A lot of people don’t do LPOA in advance and wait until emergency is imminent, so a fast turn around is needed. That was case with my FIL too, they didn’t do a LPOA , mainly becuase law had only just changed form enduring POA which they didn’t want. Suddenly he was in hospital. Elderly, cancer and needed my husband to do LPOA tasks. Once we sorted out forms it came through in literally days as we put covering note on to say FIL was terminal with the doctors letter to state he was however mental competent

Rosscameasdoody · 05/11/2023 09:46

Zebedee55 · 05/11/2023 08:42

As he's 60'ish the local council may well help him out with a sheltered flat. They will also help him to claim help with living, rent etc.

He needs to go down to their homeless department.

This did make me laugh. Have you any idea how many people on the waiting list will have priority over him ? Where I live, sheltered housing is limited to disabled people and then there’s a waiting list.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 05/11/2023 09:46

ForfarBridie · 05/11/2023 08:17

1 million divided by 40 is 25,000 a year.

1 million divided by 35 as we don’t know how old he was when he got the money is approx 28,000 a year.

And I doubt he have received much interest.

Even by Far East standards he hasn’t burned through the money.

Show quote history

Bollocks.
interset rates in 1990were around 10% and over for years and years. The average inflation rate for last 100 years is 4% . Interest rates be
ow 2% for such a long time in recent years is unprecedented

but there agian, with that sort of money you also nest in stock market. You don’t walk it away in a bank. Just lie we do with pension pots .

Even today with piss poor returns on investments, and 5% in bank, you’d be getting an income of £30-40k a year without even touching the capital after tax . That would not be difficult - in fact you’d have to be pretty stupid or reckless or feckless to have to eat into capital to extent of having none left after 40 years even . Just like OP describes
🤦‍♀️

5foot5 · 05/11/2023 09:43

POA for OP is a good idea but be aware it takes a while to set up. We have just done it. We put all the forms in early July and we just got the final thing through to say it was registered this week. The people who have been granted POA still haven't been notified

Floooooof · 05/11/2023 09:43

Agree with pervious posters, if she's losing sleep over it I don't think it's fair to leave this until after Christmas, that's several more weeks of stress and just delaying the inevitable. I think you and your mum need to present a united front, be firm and clear and do it ASAP. Like ripping off a plaster.

Rosscameasdoody · 05/11/2023 09:42

StrongTea · 05/11/2023 08:51

What about council tax? Is he registered as staying there? Your poor mum.

Exactly. Mum will have to declare him, and if she is claiming single persons discount she’ll lose it.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 05/11/2023 09:41

Hopefully the OP is busy calling up family / friend reinforcements to help get rid of him.
Abuse of the elderly is a massive issue and he is cynically taking advantage of her hospitality and kind nature. Whether he's gone as fas as emptying her bank accounts / selling her valuables can only be established when you're there to see what's happening.

saraclara · 05/11/2023 09:38

XiCi · 05/11/2023 09:32

Your poor mum has already told you she is so worried that she is not sleeping and can't visit you because she is worried he'll take her house and you plan to do nothing till after Xmas? I actually can't believe what I'm reading. What is wrong with you? Step the fuck up and help your elderly mum . Get the rest of the family or the authorities involved if you need to. Tell him in no uncertain terms he needs to leave by the end of the week . If he doesn't wait till he goes on one of his nights out, pack his stuff and change the locks. He will absolutely be after staying permanently in your mums house then taking the house after her death.

I've been trying to be kind, but honestly, I have to agree with this. You cannot leave your poor mum in this situation, and avoiding the situation by suggesting that she comes to you, is beyond foolish.

If you really don't have the ability and the strength to protect your mum, you need to find someone who does.

Doopydoo · 05/11/2023 09:38

Stop letting him get away with this. You need to advocate for your poor mother. She’s telling you how it’s affecting her and you need to step in now.
Have you even spoke to him about how he is treating her like a free hotel with maid service?
Stop being a pushover and get him out of there.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 05/11/2023 09:34

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:29

@Crumpleton he is living there atm, as he just came from abroad, thought he would stay a few weeks and rent a place but now he says he will be there for Xmas so it has been about 5 weeks now.

Can you move in for a few days, and take command of getting him out. Basically turn up and say he needs to be gone as your mother cannot cope and it’s making her I’ll, and if he refuses you’ll call the police
your mum sounds like she needs someone there constantly to back her up and give her confidence and safety in being assertive and clear with him
once he does leave change the locks .
tell DM to on no account let him in without you being there as well

if it’s an issue with you staying for a few days/week then I would try to at least visit for a day and have it out with him