Relative burned through funds and now mooching

If she is determined he stays until Christmas then:

• You contact him now to say that he is no longer in exotic climes and people in the UK generally change their sheets once a week or fortnight, and could he do that himself because DM is elderly

• DM is concerned about the amount of money being spent on wine and food, he needs to buy his own alcohol

• He must move out after Christmas DM does not want or need a permanent lodger.

None of the above will happen, particularly as it sounds like your DM is her own worst enemy, but you can keep repeating them often enough to make him uncomfortable or at least irritated.

I'd definitely come down at Christmas, ideally bring down DH and DS. Settle in tight for a long visit and get him out. Even if that means simply moving out his belongings and changing the locks when he is out.

Your update is alarming and shows that he has no intention of going anywhere. Would you want DM being closer to you anyway given her age? My DM passed away at 68 after several years of dementia. We live less than ten minutes drive away and I still found it hard to be involved as I wanted and deal with my own family and work and that's with siblings who were doing a lot more than me. It would have been far more stressful from a distance without having someone like your cousin in the mix.

Please sign up to the Land Registry's property alert service www.gov.uk/guidance/property-alert

Has he asked your mum about her will, does he know what's in it? I'd be worried for her safety tbh. That sounds over dramatic but remember Ben Field.

I would say you're coming to stay for a week straight after Xmas to help him move out. Then literally stay in your mums house until he's gone.

You and your mum need to put a date on it and start talking about it. Then arrange for a visitor to be coming who will need to stay in that room so he can't try to extend.

Have an answer to everything ready:

I feel suicidal- well ill call an ambulance then as you are threatening to self harm and the hospital can assess you.

I have nowhere to go - we'll help you find a room in a shared house

What about my stuff - that can go into storage

I have no money - we'll surely you weren't planning on mooching off an old lady were you? you know that could be considered financial abuse of the elderly and is actually illegal here.

I don't want to work - we'll that's on you, but you're old enough to sort yourself out.

Date and script above.

He will be banking on talking to your mum about it when you're not there, give him a warning:

'We've told you the plan, if you try to persuade my mum to let you stay we will start considering this a potentially abusive situation and will need to bring in other parties You are not to try to manipulate her or there will be consequences, and we'll bring the leaving date forward'

This guy is out for as much as he can get, and it feels like he has his eyes on the main prize of your DMs inheritance. Letting him stay until Christmas would be a huge mistake.

If your DM can afford it, a cheap Airbnb until after Christmas may be worth it to get him out of the house, then change the locks and send his stuff to a storage locker and pay for the first month only.

He's a horrible cuckoo and is taking advantage of your family's inability not to play nicely.

Bloody hell he's not a guest is he??? He'll be there for ages. Of course he should pay rent and contribute reasonably. and if he's going out to bars he has the money. What incentive does he have otherwise to move out?

Also I'm not as polite as some of the people on MN, I'd be telling him to stop leeching off an elderly woman and get lost. I would not allow this twat to guilt her so he could move in. I don't care if i offend him, it's not like he's caring about anyone's feelings is he?

OP, I know you’ve said your mum doesn’t claim benefits but several posters have mentioned single occupancy council tax discount. Are you aware that if she claims this she needs to let the council know he’s staying with her, and she will lose the discount ? It’s worrying because if she hasn’t informed them and they find out from other sources, it will be treated as fraud.

You need to actively check this OP. Take a look at the thousands of 80 plus year olds being scammed out of countless ££ by a stranger on the phone. Imagine how much harder it must be with the scammer living with you.

Your Mum has told you that she's too scared to come and stay with you in case he steals her house. She's said that for a reason. Even if she's too far away for you to find the time to drive over / you're too busy, she's told you something about her potential safety and wellbeing. Please don't ignore this. It needs an urgent intervention to make sure that she's safe in her own home.

I'd not blame your Mum. There look to be aspects of grooming.

The garage full of stuff...... don't some storage companies offer a couple of months at a cheap rate?

You could get a man with a van to take it to the storage place and pay for a couple of months - then it's his problem.

As he's used to living the easy life you may need to assist him finding accommodation, employment etc. Rightly or wrongly he's not going to be given money etc on a plate. As he's under retirement age he can't retire.

Whilst this may cost you time and some money it will, hopefully, make life easier for you and your Mum.

As long as he plans to stay, he may get help now with benefits, but he'll need to be actively searching for work to claim uc and it's subject to the 5 week wait

There are jobs out there if he puts effort in, eg caretaker jobs with housing, no specific skills but reliable willing to work a relatively menial job and anti social hours (I used to manage such a position) but it sounds like he's not actively trying to help himself.
In reality retail is probably his best option, partly because you can stay on long after retirement age, as he'll need to catch up on his ni to get enough pension

As long as you are confident he is not the type of person who will turn nasty once he realises the game's up; if not, then you need to be willing to involve others including the police if necessary.

It may be helpful to ensure you have evidence that you have a care plan in place for your DM - any letters, emails etc - and that he is not/has never been her carer.

I don't agree with those saying that it is your DM's fault for allowing this situation or that she should deal with it. That sounds like victim blaming to me. It sounds that your relative had a calculated plan to take advantage of your DM, she needs and is entitled to help in dealing with this situation.

Could you go and stay after Christmas, or arrange for a friend to stay so that he needs to leave as the room is needed? Or start making plans for your mum to downsize (even if you have no intention of going through with it)?

I’d also worry about him copying her financial details for identity theft purposes, or getting her to pass over the house to him “so the council can’t charge you for a care home if you need it aunty”

Has your mum spoken to HMRC/ DWP there is a possibility she is bting underpaid state pension. There was something in the news about this recently.

Does your DM claim single occupant council tax reduction ? If she previously lived alone I assume she does. If so she will have to declare him as staying there and she will lose the 25% discount. He’s not paying his way so this is reason enough to kick him out.

I'd be concerned for her physical safety and mental health. Not sleeping at that age can lead to medical emergencies and also to accidents in the home. I don't know what your relative's temper is like or how physical a culture he has been living in,but are you sure no shouting, slapping, shoving etc. would be involved to wear her down? Please involve police. This sounds like a version of 'cuckooing'. Can you move someone else into the house to overnight, even if only a few nights a week, or have social services or similar regularly doing checks?

If he doesn't go when you kick him out, you will need to involve them. Even if it's just a numbers game. Three people supporting your mum vs one, is going to be much more effective.

There was a middle-aged guy in my DM’s village who used to ship in “fiancés” from Thailand on 6-monthly visas. Let’s hope this one doesn’t start shipping fiancés over too as then your DM would end up hosting her as well.

One thing not paying rent, another is your mum buying him food wine!
Guests pitch in with takeaways and meals out - they don’t sponge off elderly relatives.

Can you speak to the housing charities and see how the land lies?
You can also speak to pension credit etc.

Does he have a visa etc that he needs to live in the UK? I can’t se whom being any different to any other nationality? Worth checking!

When you know facts you can act accordingly.

Then ask you mum to come o you for a few weeks - or you go there and change the locks.

I get that your worried about your mum but unless she is prepared to be direct and firm and telling him to leave by X date, after which his stuff will be on the streets, then he wont move out.

He relies on family values and awkwardness to get his way.

Your mum needs to stop the hand wringing and hoping that telling you makes it your problem to fix. I think you need to make it clear to DM that you will support any way you can but you can do anything until she makes a firm decision that she wont row back on and communicates that firmly to him.

Dear god 😲