Relative burned through funds and now mooching

If he's been living in a country where the cost of living is low, and he 'buys' women, I'd say she's spot in about him being a creep!

If you havent thought about it already then getting a power of attorney set up sounds like a good bit of pre planning for when she is older. Plus will protect her assets from the moocher.

@Sarvanga38
laundry once a week only

Yeh, I retract that suggestion! He should do his own bloody laundry but I suspect OP's DM has been too obliging and this grifter has laid on a bit of charm. The sort of things you do or let pass for an occasional guest who's not staying very long are different from what this has turned into. He probably arrived saying it would only be for a few weeks until he got himself sorted...then a bit longer...then another week or two. Now it's maybe, possibly, Xmas or never.

You say your mum is worried and can't sleep, so that means he IS making her ill. Sod Christmas, if she wants to play happy families then he can come for the day, but for the sake of her health he needs to be evicted asap.

I am quite sure that he has money - the money for his nights out is coming from somewhere - and his supposed destitution is a sob story to manipulate OP's mother into letting him stay.

Has he signed on? He may not get anything straight away but he needs to do this. If I remember correctly, if you make yourself voluntarily unemployed, you still have to sign on (and possibly get NI paid if nothing else) and there will just be a delay (used to be 12 weeks I think) before any finance comes through. But it will be 12 weeks from when he first signs on, and he'll have to jump through the job hunting hoops in order to recieve any funds at all. So it might be worth checking this out and then confront him armed with this knowledge (things may well have changed, I'm going from knowledge gained years ago!). I believe your mother could also charge him rent to be claimed for with housing benefit when he becomes eligible for this.

If I am right, tell him you want to see the evidence that he is signing on. If he has savings stashed away he won't be entitled, so will be told to do one from employment support from the off. Therefore you will know he is conning your mother.

For heaven's sake, the OP's mum needs him OUT, not his feet under the table!

OP, face facts here: the longer your mother allows him to stay, the harder it'll be to get him out AND there's a very good chance he'll bring a "friend" into the house, who is "only here for a couple of days". Wake up - leaving it until after Christmas is bonkers - Father Christmas isn't going to offer him a home and your mother will be stuck with him if she doesn't take some action now. He will fleece her if you're not careful - he's probably already got some scheme in mind, people like him always have a plan. Get rid.

OK, ask him what his plans are ?Nicely, for your DM's sake, but in front of your DM. He can't say he is thinking of staying where he is forever, and if he can't afford current rentals then he has to have a plan to earn money. Having no job record doesn't stop him volunteering to acquire some skills and build up references. If he is doing nothing to get work, then you and your DM know he is planning on staying in that house for good.

He must have some money left - how does he manage to go to these bars?

Write out a list of expectations for him e.g laundry once a week only, no wine on household budget, leave permanently by Dec 27th! Change locks once he's out.

Surely this needs to be 'laundry as often as he likes IF he is making a meaningful contribution to the household that covers the costs and doing it his bloody self', first and foremost! Your mother must not run around after this man, he can do his own laundry. Why on earth would he think an elderly woman should do it for him?

It is possible he is just feckless and selfish rather than actively conniving...but tbh the signs don't look good. Why did he arrive in the UK with seemingly no long term plan, except to leech off your DM indefinitely, or for good?

You say that he has a history of purchasing women (just ugh!!) and several ex wives. A disrespect for women can manifest itself in several different ways, so don't be surprised if you struggle to make him take you or your DM seriously when you say you want him gone. That's why I think you will probably need backup to get him out.

It's a shame as well that your DC will have to put up with their creepy uncle at Christmas, though I understand you may feel you have no choice for your DM sake.

Cannot imagine going for first job interview at 60 and them asking what type of work he has done before, then getting the answer 'nothing'. What employer would choose that person over a young person, even for entry level roles.

Part of me thinks he must have had a great life though so maybe he will have no regrets on his deathbed.

A million quid years ago, Jesus, he should have just lived off the interest. Even 5% average is 50k a year.

I don't want to be alarmist, but after reading this thread this morning, I was in a taxi. The driver was telling me that he had helped out a neighbour of mine for years. She was elderly, on her own, and worth a fair bit. He was fond of her and spoke to her almost every day as she took taxis everywhere.

The woman met a German couple, who inveigled their way into her life. They moved in with her, and a week later she was dead, found at the bottom of the stairs. Fell apparently.

The German couple are still living in her house, years later.

There's clearly quite a bit you don't know about his full situation and he's playing his cards close to his chest. Wonder if he got into some bother with gambling debts, drugs, gangs and has run back to the UK? Avoiding angry ex wives?! It's really piss poor he had that much money and couldn't hold onto investment property for his older age.
What complicates this is your DM has a quasi mother-son relationship with him and he's used to using her home as his UK pad, staying weeks at a time. He probably sees this as just an extension of the usual arrangement and his lazy, entitled arse won't be inclined to move out or on too quickly.
He knows you don't approve and will fight your mother's corner but you've got to be carefully he doesn't wheedle any more promises out of her beyond Xmas. I think she needs support in getting rid of him and you may need to be there more to make it happen.
It would be a disaster if he starts paying rent as that is formalising a lodger /tenant arrangement and harder to break. Write out a list of expectations for him e.g laundry once a week only, no wine on household budget, leave permanently by Dec 27th! Change locks once he's out.

Your mum needs to stop the hand wringing and hoping that telling you makes it your problem to fix i agree.

You don't need to be rude to him if your DM doesn't want that, but you will need to be firm. She has said she categorically wants him gone so you can support her in ensuring that this happens & she is not browbeaten into changing her mind.

If he is out and about at night then he can't be penniless. He just chooses to spend his money on himself rather than reimbursing your DM. She is already being abused imo.

Has she named you or another responsible person on a Lasting Power of Attorney by the way?

That is a highly manipulative thing to do, to put her in his will, that's a big red flag right there. That screams 'I've put you in my will so you should put me in yours'. He's very calculated isn't he.

To get him out after Xmas, I'd send your mum back to your house and you stay in hers to 'help him move out'. That way she's out of the situation and not distressed.

My adult son lives at home and he pays us tent to cover his part of the bills and food. He also has to do his own washing etc .

Perhaps your mum needs to do this, and she needs to stop buying him luxuries like wine

Oh no, OP, this sounds very messy and distressing for your poor mum. I know she wants to be kind by letting him stay until Christmas, but this man is behaving like a parasite. The longer he's there, the harder it will be to get him out. I know you say you must tread relatively gently, so as not to upset your mother, but she's worried, not sleeping and waiting on a grown man as if he were a child. This really can't continue. She might be a bit upset if you make a fuss initially, but ultimately, I expect the relief she'll feel that you've sorted things out will outweigh the upset.

I would do what another poster said and go over when he's out, pack his bags and change the locks.

You need to protect your mum. Get all important documents and her cards and everything out of the house if at all possible. Lock down her credit.

I fear I know what he's planning and you need to protect her.

Next time he goes out, I'd go pack up his things and put them outside the front door and wait with them until he comes back.

She probably will give in unless she gets some back up. She's in her 80s with an unwanted visitor taking over her home and demanding she waits on him. She's told you she's worried but if you're not prepared to do anything to help her, presumably she's on her own?

You've had lots of advice about cuckooing and what that looks like. But only you can take action and support her - or watch for the inevitable to happen.