Relative burned through funds and now mooching

Well done OP

No she does not want him there long term, he eats a lot, wants wine with dinner, wants laundry done, yaps loudly on the phone all day, has weird night absences, leaves lights on etc

Why does he get to stay until after Christmas? Get him out now. He’s affecting her quality of life and health so needs to leave. What a self-absorbed wanker he is!

He could get factory or cleaning work. There is alot about . He can go to CAB or his local Housing Office for advice on Private lets . Keep him away from your mum ,OP.

Well done @coldcallerbaiter . Though it's odd that he considers that he's looking after her, while expecting an 80 year old to feed him and provide him with freshly laundered bedding every day.

@PermanentTemporary
He could probably very easily get some kind of live-in carer type role and I think that's his best bet. What a waste.

Are you for real? You think this man is suitable as a live in carer for a vulnerable person elderly or disabled? I most certainly think he is NOT suitable for that role and would be a risk !!! Have a hard think!!!

And it's a safeguarding issue if the OP's daughter finds him 'creepy'! That word can cover a multitude of sins. The daughter should not have to be in his company.

🤔🤣🤣

Yeah but according to the pp all parents are a net drain. It’s only the saintly childless who actually contribute.

Their kids kids will then pay pensions of the later childless.

If no one had kids there would be no taxes.

Not if they have children themselves!

Yeah but their kids’ taxes will pay the pensions of the childless. Totally swings and roundabouts on that one!

Tell him to fuck off out with his cheekyfuckery.

The majority of people are net recipients because they have children. Anyone with children, even if they're in a two resident parent family and both work, is a net recipient, due to the cost of education etc.

The proportion has less to do with benefits than with education and the cost of any healthcare that people need.

Anyone who works and pays is basically a mug. Because you are paying for a growing number of people who take. The majority of people in this country are now net recipients, with many who see it a birthright to rip off the taxpayer by not contributing at all.

The trouble is both you and your DM want an impossible result. You want moocher Michael to realise what an utter cad he is being and move out whilst maintaining cordial relationships and no harsh words being spoken. This is not going to happen.

Your big issue is that he's at your DMs and you are not there. I don't know how far away you live from your DMs, but if she's able to come for Christmas Day the. it's presumably doable in a day.

I'd be going down there every weekend for the day. Ask him where he intends to move to, get him privately and tell him that your 80 year old DM can't be washing sheets on a daily basis, in fact don't do it privately do it in front of him. Basically make yourself a nuisance and make it a bit uncomfortable for him to be around. It's a pain for you, but a bit of time now could hopefully prevent a long term issue.

You need to help your mum be firm on this one. He needs to do all his own laundry and change his own bed etc.

Your mum needs to only provide the necessary food, and if he eats too much and runs out, then he goes without and stop buying him wine.

He will never leave while she does everything for him. He will leech off her until she dies if you don't get him out.

You need to get through to her that it is all a sob story and that she is not responsible for him as he is a grown adult who chose not to provide for his own future. It's even worse that he had a flat and sold it, so he could have had somewhere to live!

If he is saying he is not entitled to any benefits, then he must have a few thousand in savings. If you want to wait to give DM the option of telling him herself, then you can still drop huge hints about him buying food for them both and buying his own wine.

I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't a significant amount of money still stashed. He seems very good and experienced at spending other people's money.

It will be why he's not entitled to anything.

I have a relative like this, moved into the house belonging to one of their children who was working abroad without any conversation or notice then guilted their own child into letting them stay temporarily.

Over 20 years later the parent was finally got out, house trashed and the self stated impoverished parent has well over £500k stashed.

At one point claimed dire poverty with tears and convincing looking breakdown so didn't have to pay for shoes.

Extremely charming in public, absolutely terrifying and manipulative in private.

People love diagnosing narcissicism but this truly looks like it and there's no rational argument that will work to get this man out except for standing firm in the face of the rollercoaster to come.

Get it done fast. The longer this goes on the worse it will be.

This is a safeguarding issue. Your mother is at high risk of financial and possibly emotional abuse from this man. She needs to be protected from him. Age UK can advise on next steps.

Another vote here for acting fast and now.
Don't wait until Christmas.
Tell him he needs to go to a friend's house within the next few weeks.
If that doesn't happen you gather all hands on deck, friends and family and go round change the locks and see him out of the door.

Plenty saying he only spent 25k a year. 1 million in 1985 is the same as 3 million today for spending power. Average returns in safe investment around 5 to 7 perc, some years easy over 10 to 12 perc. So he could easily have had an income of 150k per year in today's money with safe investing and ensuring capital kept real value. And 150k is serious money in some countries.
And even if you are not money savey if you inherit 3 million tomorrow you know to get some advice.
He really did piss it all against a wall. No way he is going to get a job or have any concept of earning if he has done that for 40 years. Literally nothing from 3 million quid, as that is what it was if he got it today. Hope he had some good life experiences along the way.

I think you are assuming a lot about this man and what he wouldn't do if pushed into a corner. What sort of person lands themselves on an elderly lady and makes it plain, without being invited, that they intend to stay? He doesn't exactly sound like a man who is respectful of women, does he? He's someone with no morals, that's who. All this rubbish about breaking the news to him so that people can keep their dignity.....what dignity has he shown by lumbering your mother with a deliberately obtuse parasite?

I think you are being incredibly naive, OP, to say the least. Are you really 'getting' what could be going on here and how important it is for some action to be taken? Think about it. If she can't or won't do it herself, I'd sit her down for a chat - difficult as that may be - before telling him he has to go or you will be getting Social Services/Police involved if he isn't gone by xyz date - and I wouldn't be waiting until Christmas, either. Also: are any of her valuables still where they should be? Is there any post coming to your mother's home addressed to him? This man is not to be trusted by the sound of him.

Exactly - he has inherited 3 properties already

'To the poster that said he could harm her, no he would not do that. He has a temper though and he can be sulky and rude to her. But he is also good company for her when he visits. He is not all bad, he was always gregarious and fun to be around.

There is no way dm would get police involved. This all has to be done whilst keeping his pride in tact.'

Your comment here does make me concerned that you might be in denial about how bad he actually is. I may be wrong of course, I don't know him or you; but for him to show his temper and be 'sulky and rude' towards an elderly lady - one who has done so much for him - is just off the scale bad and utterly unacceptable.

I don't doubt he can be gregarious and good company when he wants, I am sure showing charm works for him too sometimes.

And a man with a history of procuring (likely poor and vulnerable) women is imo a seedy, exploitative creep. Not a person I would want around any loved ones of mine.

I would be worried about him talking her into him looking after her, giving him poa, isolating her, bad mouthing you so that you’re the enemy. Staying after Christmas is the least of your worries

I’ve read your posts @coldcallerbaiter and it got me thinking. This person headed straight for you mum’s place and has been there for the past 5 weeks, right? Along with this, your mum wants him gone after Christmas, which is understandable.

You don’t know how much money he has left of his own, so my suggestion is this - you offer to help him get on his feet, by suggesting that you go through his finances with him and see what he might be eligible to get. If he has some money left and he’s in his 60’s he should see about getting a job of some sort and he could buy a place outright if he has 200k left!

I’d do it for a place of kindness, so that he doesn’t get suspicious of you.

That he went straight to your elderly mother from the airport and has his feet under her table would make me think that he’s after her money now. Be wary of that.