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AIBU?

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Original poster

Relative burned through funds and now mooching

660 replies

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 22:41

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 15/11/2023 20:25

@DriftingDora yes sorry I mean as black and white. I can't seem to edit my post. He does sound like a weasel and needs to be watched. But it doesn't mean her mam can't still have a soft spot for him. And it sounds like OP has done a lot to help her mam protect herself.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 15/11/2023 19:45

Takenoprisoner · 15/11/2023 19:20

@coldcallerbaiter
'because with the key'

This was my question, once you change the locks, his previous spare key would be useless. But I didn't realise you would feel obliged to hand him over new spares when he asks... oh well carry on then. If he wants keys, hardly like you can say no can you?

I really do appreciate everyone’s replies and of course I understand the logic.

it is not my house or hospitality habit running for decades. There is a bowl in the hall with the spare keys, if he pops out and dm is not home he cannot get in, plus dm won’t want to spell out, no keys as you are not trusted, to her it’s the same as saying eff off

As long as he does not stay permanently, the valuables and keys etc can be the compromise.

I have a camera up at the doorway that I have the app for, he he goes in outside of permission, I will know.

Agreed about the insurance one poster mentioned, I doubt his stuff is adequately covered, but then again he has no proof we have his stuff. Thinking about it now, he had better behave or I might stick his priceless stuff on eBay!

OP posts:
rookiemere · 15/11/2023 19:40

VaddaABeetch · 15/11/2023 19:27

When he goes you should install a ring doorbell. Your Mum can see him coming ti the house & not lwt him in. Definitely don’t give him aa new key.

Well it sounds very much like the problem is if DM sees him on the ring doorbell she'll get out the Egyptian cotton sheets and open a bottle of the finest chablis <whilst grousing to the OP about what an imposition it all is>.

VaddaABeetch · 15/11/2023 19:27

When he goes you should install a ring doorbell. Your Mum can see him coming ti the house & not lwt him in. Definitely don’t give him aa new key.

Takenoprisoner · 15/11/2023 19:20

@coldcallerbaiter
'because with the key'

This was my question, once you change the locks, his previous spare key would be useless. But I didn't realise you would feel obliged to hand him over new spares when he asks... oh well carry on then. If he wants keys, hardly like you can say no can you?

billy1966 · 15/11/2023 18:50

OP,

I would strongly advise you prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

You know he is a creep from your daughter.
Sly, because you havd so little concrete information.
Capable of being nasty and bad tempered with your mother.

I don't think any of you really know him at all.

Your mother is kind and that makes her very vulnerable.

I would be contacting Age protection organisations.

If his situation is now difficult that could make him desperate.

He is not a nice good man.

He's a selfish entitled man whose retirement plan was your mother and her home.

I would be most concerned.

Should anything happen to your mother how will you prove that she hasn't given him permission to stay?

You could find it surprisingly difficult to get him out, particularly as there is such a long close family association of visits.

Your mother has held valuable heirlooms for him for 30 years.

A good lawyer could claim that there was always an agreement that he would retire and live with your mum, hence his valuables being held in her home.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 15/11/2023 17:07

Takenoprisoner · 15/11/2023 16:08

I don't understand how he would get in even after you've changed the locks? The spare would be useless if the locks had been changed.

Because with the key. The Mooch declared he will be visiting dm for a couple of days once in a while, he will be expecting the keys when he is there.

the valuables, agree it’s a foothold but he has the foothold anyway as he has her goodwill to visit at the moment.

and to the person who says I am naive, if he is not out by Jan, I will force the issue, until then I am not prepared to bully dm if she wants to keep her promise, she isn’t senile. He is not a criminal, he will not harm her, give me some credit that I can judge this situation reasonably. Do you really think I would let a would-be batterer live there? He needs our goodwill to stay permanently, he hasn’t got it and that’s the end of it as far as I am concerned. Not everyone goes in screaming like a fish wife, I have had a word and now we expect him to leave and sort himself out.

OP posts:
DriftingDora · 15/11/2023 16:28

pontipinemum · 15/11/2023 10:51

@coldcallerbaiter I think it sounds like you are doing your best for DM with making sure he doesn't weasel too far in. I can understand your DM still loving him though and not wanting to abandon him when his own parents died so young.

Things are never as black and which as they can sometimes be made to seem on here.

pontipinemum

@coldcallerbaiter I think it sounds like you are doing your best for DM with making sure he doesn't weasel too far in. I can understand your DM still loving him though and not wanting to abandon him when his own parents died so young.

Things are never as black and which as they can sometimes be made to seem on here.

Really? Are you sure about that (assume you mean 'as black and white')? That's some sweeping statement, but let's hope you're right. Naïve is still the word I'd use, he sounds a choice piece of work and his attitude towards women is suspect, to say the very least, but you obviously know better.

Takenoprisoner · 15/11/2023 16:08

I don't understand how he would get in even after you've changed the locks? The spare would be useless if the locks had been changed.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/11/2023 14:40

@coldcallerbaiter

He sees her storing his things as his 'foot in the door'. As long as his 'stuff' is there then he feels 'su casa es mi casa'. When he leaves he needs to take his belongings with him or arrange for storage, heirlooms or no. Your mum needs to make this 'declaration' that her home is NOT his.

As far as a him copying a key and moving in unannounced, do you think he'd do that now that the position has been made clear? If so, I agree with a 2nd deadbolt that is used only when he's visiting. Or just change the lock barrels after a visit rather than the whole lock.

LastNightIDreamtIWasAtManderleyAgain · 15/11/2023 14:18

If he has left his heirlooms at her home, then their value will affect her contents insurance fees, and he can also make a number of nasty claims further down the line for access, or about having his valuables alienated from him.

In a similar situation with heirlooms I put them in a portable strong box kept by my bank. I bought the box myself. He may need to PAY and do a bit of research. He can also keep a strong box in his room.

Sarvanga38 · 15/11/2023 11:08

Another issue is the key, when he visits later, once moved out, he will
use the spare key, he has always had it to get in and out, so any key can be copied by him, changing the lock is pointless.

Additional deadlock on door that he is never given a key for?

pontipinemum · 15/11/2023 10:51

@coldcallerbaiter I think it sounds like you are doing your best for DM with making sure he doesn't weasel too far in. I can understand your DM still loving him though and not wanting to abandon him when his own parents died so young.

Things are never as black and which as they can sometimes be made to seem on here.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 15/11/2023 10:22

To the posters who say I am naive, no I am not but this all unfolded once he had arrived. This was a surprise situation, if a close relative is emigrating back home and has no base ( sold their property, which is the most annoying part) then we were fine with him using her home as a stepping stone, even if it was 3 months or more. What threw us, was the permanent and cater/companion talk.

Also, he brought some furniture back with him (very little) but she had stored his family heirlooms for
30 years, small but valuable stuff from his parents. When he leaves, he says he is not taking them as it is not safe to keep gold etc at a shared place. Her home has always been his UK base.

Another issue is the key, when he visits later, once moved out, he will
use the spare key, he has always had it to get in and out, so any key can be copied by him, changing the lock is pointless.

Dm wants him to move in to his own place, but she doesn’t mind visits for a few days at a time, even though she rolls her eyes about his habits, she cares for him and does not want to see him abandoned.
I have to respect her wishes, not doing so will stress her and I will need to be vigilant.

OP posts:
LastNightIDreamtIWasAtManderleyAgain · 15/11/2023 01:03

I would not leave her alone in the house with him for any time.

therealcookiemonster · 14/11/2023 23:45

personally I would (with your mum's permission), block his number from her phone and only allow him to see her at your house or at her house when you are there. under no circumstances should he come and stay 'several times a year'.

DriftingDora · 14/11/2023 23:36

greenhydrangea · 14/11/2023 23:10

Good result. And good on you for standing up to him. I would hope you can get all of his stuff out of her garage also. Merry Moochless Christmas!

I wouldn't be too complacent - he hasn't gone yet and January is a long time off. How does the OP know he's telling the truth and not just spinning yet another yarn? He's only gone when he's gone and the locks on the house are changed. The leech is about as trustworthy as Boris Johnson. He's playing the OP and her mother like a violin here and the OP doesn't seem to be seeing it, so naïve.

greenhydrangea · 14/11/2023 23:10

Good result. And good on you for standing up to him. I would hope you can get all of his stuff out of her garage also. Merry Moochless Christmas!

ThePoshUns · 14/11/2023 23:09

Ooh he's devious but he knows you have him sussed. He's hoping you'll take your eye off the ball. You need to be all over him. I think I remember you saying you're sorting POA for your mum, make sure you do get it sorted.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 14/11/2023 23:03

Mooch is now saying he will not be coming for Xmas to mine, going to friends instead - result!

He probably does not want to face me after I told him his issues were his own fault.

He also has a cheap house of multiple occupancy rental being sorted for January, and it seems legit and they took a deposit.

I still think he will go, re-group and be back to dm in the future. I think he will have no choice, as it will always be a better lifestyle for him.
He thinks she is sitting on plenty and is older, so what’s the harm in it.

He says he will visit Dm several times a year and stay over to keep her company - sigh. She politely said that was fine. I agree with posters that this is not over…

OP posts:
captainmarvella · 14/11/2023 22:25

OP I don't have a good feeling about your updates. This is by no means over. I don't think your DM should be left alone with this man until xmas. I really hope you won't regret the decision to ignore this until it's too late.

Livingtothefull · 14/11/2023 19:03

Nanaof1 · 14/11/2023 14:15

You will need to hope that he hasn't bled her dry by Christmas. I knew someone like this and it took only a few months before they go everything into their name and then proceeded to destroy the person they had been sponging off.

He is a danger to your mother and no one wants to do anything about it. SMDH

Show quote history

This is correct I am sorry to say. I would be really concerned that your DM is at risk right now if she is left alone with him.

You say 'Dm is feisty but kind. I worry if her mind starts to fog with age he can get his claws in.' But you don't seem to have grasped that she could be vulnerable long long before then.

Read up on Ben Field. A striking thing about his crimes was, that his victims might not have been considered particularly vulnerable; both of them were people of independent means with successful careers behind them. But that didn't save them from being the victims of an utterly unscrupulous individual.

I am not claiming that your relative is a truly dangerous person like Field; but the evidence indicates he is unscrupulous.

Nomnomnom66 · 14/11/2023 14:27

Get someone to invite him to the pub for an afternoon. While he's gone, pack his shit and throw it out the front. Change the locks. Do not let him back in.

Nanaof1 · 14/11/2023 14:15

coldcallerbaiter · 05/11/2023 11:13

Thanks for the questions, I have no male relatives apart from dh and ds. I won’t get them involved, I will kick him out myself.

Dm has a nice nest egg, she does not claim benefits. He knows she can keep him and afford to.

I think this was always his plan, he thought he was clever, now he sees me as his bitch of an obstacle.

You will need to hope that he hasn't bled her dry by Christmas. I knew someone like this and it took only a few months before they go everything into their name and then proceeded to destroy the person they had been sponging off.

He is a danger to your mother and no one wants to do anything about it. SMDH

uncomfortablydumb53 · 09/11/2023 09:54

Your poor Mum
I do think you need to intervene and if he won't leave then I'd consider two things
Report it to social services as she is a vulnerable adult, being older
Asking the police to remove him as he has no rights to be there and is in effect an unwanted guest