Relative burned through funds and now mooching

Your poor mother, being taken advantage of by this grifter. No doubt after a lifetime of looking after people and "being kind".

Seriously, you need to step up OP and make sure he leaves ASAP. If he's allowed to stay because he's "depressed" he will have a convenient relapse every time the idea of him leaving comes up.

The plain truth of this whole sorry mess is that the OP's mother needed protecting from this man - he should have been given his marching orders long ago, and the OP knows it. The implications of him getting his foot firmly in the door - as he has done - and the OP's seeming unwillingness to take firm action on behalf of her mother, such as seeking police or legal advice regarding coercive control has created a situation that could have been avoided.

Whether her mother does veer between one minute accepting him as a permanent lodger and then the next minute wanting him gone we have only the OP's account, but this should not come into the equation. If there is anything remotely dubious about him - and his past life (and the OP herself has talked about this) - then he should have been outed long ago, for her mother's own long-term protection and welfare.

He is definitely playing a long game. He knows what he's doing. He has every intention of getting full control of your mother and leaving you with nothing OP. He has already started the process of coercive control. I wouldn't pussyfoot around the 'nice guy' comments from relatives at all. You tell them straight out he is mooching from your mum and that you are having a very difficult time getting him out of the house and you won't hear a word about him being a nice guy at all. If you don't stand tough now he will have your mum's house and money.

These kind of people are ruthless, he'll have had this plan long before he even moved himself in. You need a very serious chat with your mum about him. At this stage there is no point following her tone at all. You have to protect her and yourself from him. Tell her in no uncertain terms that he is out to take her house and her money and make everyone's lives miserable and that you will be taking action whether she likes it or not.

You need to report it as coercive control and elder abuse to Police. You need to make your concerns known to Social Services. You need to have your mum tell her doctor, bank and solicitor that she is concerned he will manipulate her and exploit her financially. There needs to be a log of evidence you may need if he has her write a new will in his favour or gets her house signed over to him. You also need to arrange a POA for her as soon as you can.

His next step will be too depressed to get out of bed. How on Earth are you going to get him out then. Don't sit back another day, get him out, get his stuff out, get the locks changed and get him completely out of your life and kept well away from your mum. Don't bother with any conversation or confrontation, just get him out.

I'd be really blunt at this point and tell him his parents would have been ashamed of how he's chosen to waste his inheritance on a frivolous life, with no thoughts for the future, except to feel entitled to move on to mooch off someone else in the family. In this case, your elderly mother. He's a grown man, there is zero excuse to have not learned about how life works and what he will have needed to live on as he got older.

Tell him you're not blind, you're not sympathetic, and he needs to get the hell out before you start chucking his things out the door.

That's so frustrating OP. And is of course precisely how coercive control works. Isolating someone from their family, positioning themselves as the "good guy" and alienating them from those able to protect them.

You're right in terms of respecting your Mum's right to independence but I think I'd rehearse a short response to those family friends that challenges his narrative. Something along the lines of "Although I don't live as close to Mum as I'd like, I'm aware of how Mooch has made himself very comfortable at Mum's at her expense. I'm concerned about her having to look after him physically & financially and am not going to stand by while he exploits her good nature and friendship."

It's such a tricky situation, especially when you're not physically close. Have you had any conversations about power of attorney etc? Do you know where her will is etc? Difficult to discuss I know but important to make sure he's not having those conversations with her if he is the user he appears to be.

Not very fair DriftingDora, these things are harder to solve when you’re in the middle of them.

OP, keep going - we are all behind you.

So "clear-minded and strong" that in spite of knowing he's a nasty piece of work and a chancer, he's been given weeks and weeks to find himself another mug to leech from. The OP then falls for the old chestnut of illness preventing him going (oh, I forgot: last-minute issues with his accommodation as well). He's about as genuine as a 50 pence banknote and if her mother suffers financial loss and/or other problems because of the laxity in getting him out of the house then it's pretty obvious who is to blame for not taking firm action.

You really need to register it as elder abuse, or at the very least contact your mum’s local police station and ask them about elder abuse and what the threshold for it would be.

Edited to add a link to what I’m talking about:
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/protection-from-abuse/

Charm and sympathy are all part of coercive control. Watch him like a hawk even IF he leaves her house. Don't trust him for a second. He'll be quite happy to play a long game. Make sure he has no access to your mum's house, no spare key and that visits will be by invitation only, no dropping over randomly. Remember, he is after YOUR inheritance. Check your mum's finances, credit etc regularly. She might feel sorry for him and be foolish depending on the level of control he has on her.

As we all expected…

Quelle surprise! I've no sympathy for you, OP, you've been so naïve, he's playing you like a fiddle and must be wetting himself laughing. If you didn't see this situation coming a mile off, you must be virtually the only one on here that didn't!

"Issues" with the paperwork for his new accommodation that have only just come to light? Yeah. right, you've obviously swallowed that one too. Have you asked him when he's due to get his BAFTA award for acting ability?

@coldcallerbaiter

Oh dear. I'd be tempted to tell him 'let me call them, I'll sort it for you' if he mentioned any 'problems' with accommodations or utilities. Because frankly, I think he's lying.

As far as your mum, I'd do my best to keep her time alone with him to a minimum. Take her shopping, to the movies, anything to keep from giving him time to work on his sympathies.

And if when you go next week he's still dragging his feet, put him in an AirBnB. And be sure you change your mum's locks.

OP have you taken your mother to her doctor, bank and solicitor so they can record her concerns that your cousin might try to manipulate her financially?

I'd be depressed if my cheeky fuckery had been rumbled as well!

I do hope you are ok next week op, Make sure he doesn't pull the wool over your mother's eyes.

As most predicted, he's found an excuse not to go. Good luck with getting him to realise that he really must leave.

He's not exactly alone in having nothing at his age. Perhaps a little sad he didn't have the foresight to invest that money. But at least it probably went a long way when the Sun was still shining.

No surprise there were 'issues'.

He's emotionally blackmailing your mum. This leads to coercive control. I wouldn't leave it another day. Get him and his stuff out tomorrow, tell him to sort something for himself until his 'issues' are resolved. He's not your responsibility, he's not your mum's responsibility.

There will always be something. I don't believe him.

You will need to hoof him out yourself, job or no job, tablets or no tablets, home or no home.

Moochers will always find "issues", but you seem very clear-minded and strong. I admire your taking a stand to protect your mum, and I wish you well.

Sounds like a job as an actor might be right up his street if supermarket or security guard isn’t his cup of tea

Sounds dreadful!! Just make sure he hasn't sneaked himself onto any of the bills or such.
Can you buy a key safe and if he comes, it's by appointment and he can have the key safe lock code then. Its such a shame but it's a worry he's either trying to saddle
Himself with your mum til she has to leave the house one way or another, then he'll stake a claim on his 'abode' so you can't sell etc ... apologies if you've already covered in this thread as not RTFT

Hope he’s gone!