Relative burned through funds and now mooching

He'll be back.

Well at least he is out, for the moment. He really is a conniving parasite isn't he?

So glad to hear that OP. Lets hope that your DM can be rid of his mooching.

I hope you've managed to get him out of the house by now.

I have a feeling we'll never know the real outcome here.

He's managed to get another week out of your mother. Every week eats into her money - more electricity/gas/heating used because he is there. How much longer is she willing to just hold her purse open and for him to take take take???

How's it going OP?🤞🏻

Well OP, what is the latest on the METD (Mooch's Estimated Time of Departure)?

Sorry if someone has already said this, I can’t be bothered to read the 100s of replies, but it would be far more than 25k a year. 30-40 years ago a million in the bank would get you about 50k a year interest to play with, so with him eating all the capital up over those years it means he had at least 50k a year to spend.

I really hope it works out ok OP rotten situation to be in.

Fingers crossed for next week OP. One thing that you could do is to ensure that those around your Mum / family members are aware of his attempts to control your Mum and her money. To date he's been able to present himself as your Mum's "rescuer" so I'd be knocking that on the head very frankly. Play dirty for want of a better phrase.

Have some open conversations with those around her, get them on side and protecting your Mum from a man who's unexpectedly rocked up and is living off her and having her look after him.

Let others know that you see his sudden appearance as a deliberate attempt to live off her and control her - frame him as a potential user. There are lots of examples on this thread of how his behaviour is controlling of her and you need to reframe this for others so that they see him as a potential abuser rather than a saviour. He's doing the running at the moment so it's now time for you to plant the seed of doubt. You sound like a compassionate person and I'll bet that's how the wider family sees you. Maybe:
"I'm really worried about Mum. Since M has arrived she's had to finance / look after him. He's been saying he wants to be Mum's carer which horrifies her. She's finding it so stressful but feels too intimidated / scared to say anything to him"
We're so worried that his aim is to take over her house - he's actually told " etc etc.
"We're trying to get him to move out and leave her in peace but he's determined to keep living off her......"

His actions show precisely what he's doing - but he's presenting himself as her saviour so you need to reframe him as her abuser.
Maybe you and DH make a list of the things he's doing and then pick out the most powerful points and start sharing them. Then when you go to force him out, the wider family is clear that you're defending your Mum against someone using her for his own needs.

Sorry that's a bit long 😊

OP there are always vulnerable elderly people, he won't limit himself to relatives.

Of course you weren't imagining he was a wrong one, alarm bells were ringing when he said he'd look after your mum, didn't he say this at a funeral before he moved in?

I understand where you're coming from, these kind of people don't really reveal who they are until the damage is done. They plan ahead, they play a long game. They won't let anyone get in the way. You may think they'll be away and be no more trouble but they don't work that way.

I really hope everything goes as planned and you can get him out of the house and get his claws out of your poor mum. He knows you have a lot going on , your own life to deal with, your mum's reluctance to do anything, it just makes it easier for him unfortunately.

Cosmosforbreakfast · Today 12:18

I think OP and her mum really don't realise how ruthless these kind of people are and how they will go to any lengths to get what they want.

As I've said in a previous post, there's something about the OP's responses to this situation that don't add up. On one hand, she says it is causing her mother distress and comes on to ask for advice, but the next minute she says she feels that the impetus must come from her mother (which is disingenuous, to say the least). Also questionable that anyone would consider going away on holiday, leaving their elderly mother to cope with a situation that may cause her harm. OP's response was that the person in question isn't violent and would never harm her mother, but she's seemingly oblivious of the fact that 'harm' is not just physical, it takes many forms, including financial.

Edited, having read the OP's last post: What proof do you have that he let his tenants stay in the house he owned 'for free'? So once again, you are being gullible and believing that he truly has no money? And by the way, your mother may have no choice about 'speaking to the authorities' if the authorities come knocking - have you asked yourself where he's getting any money from?🙄

I agree @Cosmosforbreakfast he's very calculating.

I think OP and her mum really don't realise how ruthless these kind of people are and how they will go to any lengths to get what they want. Look at how he just announced he was moving in to care for OP's mum, straight away distancing OP, ignoring that she was on the scene. He's come up with excuse after excuse not to leave and dictates to OP and her mum when he'll be visiting etc IF they ever get him out. He's spinning stories to cover himself to other family members. This isn't just a pain in the neck over staying his welcome, this is a cold calculating devious person with every intention of leaving OPs mum with nothing, he'll have OPs inheritance, waste that too and then move on to another vulnerable old person.

@coldcallerbaiter Any update? Have you asked him what the paperwork hold up is? Maybe be proactive and sit down with him to sort it out, rather than letting him give you vague responses to his plans.

That's what I keep thinking. He wants OP's mother's house and he has plans to get it. All it takes is him establishing residence before it ends up costing thousands to get him out, IF you can get him out.

I've seen his type and dealt with it too. Not fun once they get their hooks in.

Quote from the OP's original post of 04/11/23:

"My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed".

The OP then went on to tell us that there are some distinctly dubious aspects to his previous 'history' and that even her own daughter describes him as 'creepy'. Then there is the little matter of how he has got through so much of his money in such a short time, with no visible signs of what he's used it for. If this isn't sounding clear warnings, I don't know what would. Something here doesn't add up.

Then there is the question of virtually allowing him to set his own schedule for leaving, instead of giving him a much earlier, non-negotiable date (the OP didn't post until 4/11/23 - how much leeway has he had and he's still calling the shots?).

I suppose the next logical step is that he moves a lady friend in (place your bets).

I can only presume that in spite of the rhetoric OP and/or her mother are quite happy allowing him to set his own agenda - in which case, why bother to post asking for advice?

I rest my case.

You clearly have your mother's best interests at heart. Stick to your guns!

@sonjadog

Xpost with you! Absolutely right on!

To all saying OP needs to 'step up', her mother has not been determined mentally incompetent. OP can't unilaterally decide to kick this man out if her mother permits him to stay. If OP does go to the police or the authorities, all her mother has to do is be coherent and tell the police that she is allowing him to stay and that she is not being 'taken advantage of'.

We all know that's how it is in situations of abuse of any kind (other than when there are physical injuries) or if someone needs care but doesn't want it. If the person doesn't take action, then there's really nothing to be done until the point is reached where they are ruled incompetent or become an actual danger to themselves.

All OP can do is work within the parameters her mother is setting, 'counsel' her to take a harder line, and watch carefully in the future. Should she let this relative know how she feels in no uncertain terms, sure. But she can't order him out when her mother is taking a 'softly softly' approach.

No. You can't take away another adult's agency in this way. The OP's mother is mentally capable and has the right to decide over what happens in her own life. The OP can help her mother when asked, but she can't just step in and make unilateral decisions about another adult's life. It is a situation to be managed in a way that gives her mother control over what happens, but which also makes sure she is not being taken advantage of. It seems like the OP is on her way to doing that.