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Original poster

Found another message from the same woman i told him to stop the contact with

105 replies

Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 07:15

Hi everyone. Unfortunately I am back here again posting to all of you. I hope some of you still remember my topic from 8 October.

8 October I found messages between my husband and his female co-worker and found out he drove her to her home multiple times after work. (Did not get inside but drove her to her home)

Like some of you might remember I confronted him and told him I did not want to see that type of contact again. She actually blocked both him and me on Facebook and that was it. A couple days later I found 2 fake accounts following mine and his Instagram which I was sure of it was her so I blocked her on both of our accounts.

Yesterday night we we're eating dinner together and he got a text message, I saw her name so I asked him who it was. He said it's from work. I told him no, who is that? Can I see it? And then he said it's 'D...' from work. I looked at the text message and it said 'I am working from 6 to 11 tomorrow and from 2 to 8 the day after'. There were no other text messages which he obviously deleted. I told him why he needed to text her again about her working hours as almost a month ago we agreed that what he did was wrong and that there would be no contact outside of the office. I was a bit frustrated and left the table.

The message itself was harmless, but knowing he is asking her for her working hours and is deleting his messages makes me feel so upset once again.

I found out you can retrieve deleted text messages on Iphone so an hour later I walked up to him and asked him if I could have his phone. He gave it and when I tried to get the deleted messages back he grabbed his phone and got very defensive and angry. I told him if you have nothing to hide let me retrieve the messages. He was very angry saying that he was telling me the truth and that if I don't believe him I can just basically 'f off. (Not exactly his words but exactly his intend) I stayed very calm and told him this is your last chance, please let me see the deleted messages. He refused, got pissed, and that's it. Protecting his phone till the end.

Am I going too far asking for the deleted messages? If it was harmless then why would you not give it to me to prove your innocence. I can't keep up with this marriage like this.

(I am not native to English and some people thought my post was AI generated the last time haha, I assure you it's me, just not fluent in English)

OP posts:
Neriah · 03/11/2023 08:18

The guy isn't even her age, looks more like a sugar daddy then anything.

Wow, and that is delightful. You really do sound crazed.

Original poster
Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 08:17

He admitted himself that is wasn't harmless and that he felt guilty and promised me to stop all contact. Unfortunately this isn't the first time.

Now I agree with you that me trying to control these situations isn't healthy.

OP posts:
Neriah · 03/11/2023 08:15

Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 07:31

Should I just grab his phone and lock myself in the bathroom so I can see the actual deleted messages? Or is that another level of crazy

I think the whole saga is another level of crazy. I don't know whether he is having an affair or not. Neither do you. But men and women can be friends, and this level of controlling behaviour (from you) would be a red flag to me (for him). He's giving someone a lift home. I give people lifts too. I have chats with work colleagues outside work. If anyone, anyone at all, tried to tell me who and how I can be friends with someone, or started demanding my phone, I'd be binning them, not the other way around.

Original poster
Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 08:11

Yes I don't think he has physically cheated. Sounds funny and even unreal but he is the type of person that looks for a thrill but doesn't actually physically cheat. But he will definitely bring it to the edge. It's all on an emotional level. Him not wanting me to see the deleted messages is for me a clear sign that there is emotional cheating in there such as talking a lot etcetera. I've never seen any hearts or kisses or those type of chats but they are definitely in full contact.

I honestly don't even care whether its emotional cheating or physically cheating. I made my boundaries clear last time and he shows nothing but disrespect as he chose to still message her anyway but through another platform so I wouldn't find out.

the irony is, she is getting married. Just saw that she posted a picture of her and her husband to be on Facebook. The guy isn't even her age, looks more like a sugar daddy then anything. My husband is going to lose his wife that was there for him in good and bad and the girl he lost his wife to is going to get married too. I wish him good luck.

OP posts:
WedRine · 03/11/2023 08:03

I think the OP needs to be very careful with her next move. There is no evidence that her DH cheated, but DH can very easily spin the OP's actions as coercive control (controlling who he has friends with, demanding to read his texts, gaining control of his phone or a bad things will happen). I think regardless, this marriage is over. There's no trust, and this relationship as a result sounds toxic and all it's going to do is wreck your mental health with constant paranoia, justified or not.

dylanschicken · 03/11/2023 08:02

Am I going too far asking for the deleted messages?

You don't need to make this worse for yourself by seeing them. Just get rid of him because he has no respect for you and you will never trust him again.

fortnumsfinest · 03/11/2023 07:57

I think once you have lost trust in him it's never going to come back and you will end up making yourself ill if you are checking what he's up to all the time. You don't what his actions to turn you into a paranoid partner. I would have said walk away now with your head held high but when you said his mum has died I'd maybe get everything in place to leave and wait a few weeks. 5 days after his mum has died seems too soon for me

Shoxfordian · 03/11/2023 07:54

Deleting messages is suspicious behaviour - you can't tell him who he can and can't text but you can decide if you trust him and act accordingly

Nicole1111 · 03/11/2023 07:47

One day you’ll see this experience as a blessing in disguise. Until then stay strong and listen to your gut. You know what you need to do

MrsMarkRonson · 03/11/2023 07:47

So sorry you're going through this OP. It's awful. But you deserve so much better.

Original poster
Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 07:47

Thank you all for your thoughtful messages. Really pushes me to follow through on the divorce as im a bit of a softie and always give chance after chance. His mom died 5 days ago and that itself made me want to keep everything to myself but I can't any longer.

OP posts:
Climbingthehillfast · 03/11/2023 07:45

See your solicitor pronto

moetmoet · 03/11/2023 07:45

Really sorry to hear this OP but you know what you need to do.

You are going to move on to bigger and better things x

Original poster
Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 07:44

I really don't, yes. I know snooping isn't right but I feel like he pushed me to be this type of person that I am normally not. I wasn't like this with my ex, at all. Him not actually cheating but always pushing his luck to the edge is what drives me really insane. There is no respect in this marriage whatsoever. He made that clear after today

OP posts:
LoneFemaleTraveller · 03/11/2023 07:44

I stayed very calm and told him this is your last chance
what happened after his last chance?

WaltzingWaters · 03/11/2023 07:42

PurpleSky09 · 03/11/2023 07:19

He wouldn't show you the deleted messages because he has something to hide. I would end the relationship.

this. Sorry OP

Original poster
Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 07:42

Why are men such dissapointments. Is it really that much to ask of a man to just stay loyal and faithful? I've always been good to him. But certainly that doesn't matter.

OP posts:
Tandora · 03/11/2023 07:41

I didn’t read the original post so don’t have the back story but this is unhealthy. You can’t trust him and sounds like you have good reason. At the same time trying to control him by monitoring his phone, demanding to know who is texting him all the time and scrutinising / blocking fake accounts on social media is not working and not part of a healthy relationship.
Either you trust him or you don’t, and you don’t (for good reason!) so this has become a toxic situation and needs to end.

Original poster
Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 07:40

I own the house we live in, but we were getting ready to build our own house on another piece of land that we bought. This land is in his name as it was easier that way for us paper-wise. We did wrote a contract with my lawyer about me actually owning the land in reality and that once the building is finished it's going back in my name.

This makes everything a bit more tricky I'd have to get in contact with my lawyer before I make a wrong move. Ugh 😩

OP posts:
NoFleasOnMe · 03/11/2023 07:39

If he had nothing to hide and wanted to rebuild trust then he would let you retrieve the messages. Not letting you is the proof you need. I can completely understand the temptation to run off with the phone but either way the truth is that he doesn’t respect you or the marriage and the this relationship is over.

i would give him one more chance and say, “You either give me your phone or we end the marriage right not. You are asking me to trust you when you should be doing everything to rebuild the trust. It’s the phone or a divorce, choose.”

Either way you need to divorce him. This marriage is over. I’m so sorry he wasn’t a better man.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 03/11/2023 07:35

Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 07:31

Should I just grab his phone and lock myself in the bathroom so I can see the actual deleted messages? Or is that another level of crazy

No. What’s the point. You know there are inappropriate messages, you don’t need to go to this length. You already know.

I think you should just tell him. “You’ve broken my trust and now our relationship is over”.

who owns the house/has tenancy?

Londonrach1 · 03/11/2023 07:33

If he getting cross re this he guilty and hiding something. Follow your gut here

Original poster
Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 07:31

Should I just grab his phone and lock myself in the bathroom so I can see the actual deleted messages? Or is that another level of crazy

OP posts:
Original poster
Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 07:25

It's so hard letting someone go that you love, but I can't just keep getting disrespected everytime. This really crossed all of my boundaries and I think he really believes I will stick with him.

OP posts:
Sartre · 03/11/2023 07:25

The work hours text wasn’t harmless, she sent it so he knew when he could meet up with her. He’s cheating.