Found another message from the same woman i told him to stop the contact with

Why do you expect him to change when you’ve allowed him to disrespect you so many times previously and never left?

You've basically given him the green light - he can do what he likes and he will, because he knows you won’t leave.

OP I hate to say it but regardless of what he has or hasn’t done, your behaviour is not okay. If you don’t trust your husband to answer you truthfully then that is your marriage over, and you should leave him. You don’t need to read the messages, you don’t need to look at her profile, you don’t need his passwords, if you do not trust him then your marriage is over and that’s the bottom line. Just leave.

I don’t understand how if you say she blocked you both on Facebook, how can you not see her posting there about her upcoming wedding?

Also going forward, your attitude towards new friends is extremely unhealthy. If my husband told me I wasn’t allowed to make friends unless we met them together or he met them first, that would be a HUGE red flag, because what he is essentially saying (and what you are saying) is that you don’t believe he is capable of having friendships without cheating.

Leave him. You can’t believe a word he says.

You can't live like this OP. Always on the alert, suspicious, physically grabbing phones, insisting on reading messages. I'm not saying you don't have cause for mistrust, but honestly, there's no dignity or peace of mind for you here.

The fact is, you can be as diligent as you like, you can issue any demands you please, but if he wants to continue to engage with this woman, he will. They work together, so that's hours of opportunity to interact in ways you won't like and won't know about. You'll never know if it's appropriate or if they're crossing boundaries.

I think you need to decide once and for all whether you can live with the risk of him cheating on you or if it will continue to be a major concern. If the latter, in your shoes I'd be moving on because I couldn't live with the constant worry and vigilance.

if you don't trust him then split up - this whole thing is ridiculous - I couldn't be bothered to waste my time going through someone's phone looking for answers - if it's at that point the relationship is gone

Don't know the back story but why was there an issue with him being friends with a work colleague or giving her a lift home anyway? surely that's not usually a big deal - was he actually cheating on you?

I was with you until you wrote he’s not allowed new female friends, only ones he was friends with before he met you. That’s odd as fuck and signals issues. The bottom line though is if you have to control your husband like this it’s over, neither of you can live like this.

Based on what you've said alone would be enough for me to leave. Trust your gut on this one. He is very clearly hiding something. Sorry OP, sending hugs.

Agree with others saying that this situation is unsustainable regardless. I understand lack of trust due to previous crossing of boundaries, but if you've reached a point where you're checking his phone, imo it's already over anyway. Consult your solicitor.

You're right he thinks you'll stay. Partly because of the land. See your solicitor asap

You dont trust him because he lied. Fact.

You dont need to be right about anything to split up.

Lying and not trusting him or just wanting to be on your own are all valid. You dont need a reason or a 'good' reason.

As you get older you realise that life doesnt need to include a man and someone who doesnt make you happy is a good reason to split. You dont need to justify it or for things to be cumulatively bad to break up. Relationships are a bit like clothes and decor....its ok for your taste to change and move on just because the current situation doesnt suit you and more and your standards are higher.

Agree with PP saying this is just toxic – the fact you even feel the need to be spying on his messages shows it's not a good or healthy relationship. I don't know the backstory as didn't see your other thread but was he going to her house with nefarious intentions or just...giving her a lift home? Either way, you don't trust him, he clearly hasn't and won't acquiesce to your demands of staying away from this woman so rather than giving him several 'last chances' just end it.

Look at it this way OP, if youd split woh him on 8th Octover, would you be in a better position today than you were then?

@Annnemarrrie you know what you have to do. Go see a solicitor and get him out.

Even if this is just another emotional affair, its yet again one he is indulging after you told him your boundary. You forgave him once and now you have to act or you are giving him permission to keep doing this until one day he will sleep with another woman.

Your behaviour is understandable and reasonable so far - NOT controlling. You aren't trying to diminish him. You just want him to respect a reasonable boundary not to emotionally engage with another woman outwith your marriage in a manner that is not work related. He cannot do this. He has shown you more than once he cannot.

There is something lacking in him. He is using this other woman and probably others like her to fill a void that your love isn't filling. Let him go. Move on and be with someone who only wants and needs you.

There is no way in a million years I'd let anyone go through my phone as if I were a child or a prisoner. You don't trust him then you should leave. FFS he's allowed to message people. BUT you are also allowed to say what sort of relationship you want - it's your right to leave if it doesn't work for you - but you don't have the right to demand he show you his phone and block a work contact.
And the old lie, "if you had nothing to hide you'd show me" is a well-worn tool of a controller.
I hope it works out for you - and for him.

Don't you dare, I am most certain imposing nothing on you. I couldn't care less what you do, my concern is for your husband. Again, you're admitting he is allowed to have female friends he knew before you (how big of you) but clearly not after. He isn't allowed to see colleagues outside of work. Funnily enough most abusers will do nothing but deny their behaviour, exactly as you are.

My standards are different, yes. I would never control anyone, having been treated like a prisoner for a third of my life. I hope he has the sense to see what's happening here.

This is laughable. "I didn't ask him to block her" as a defence. Then literally straight away "I told him... would like to see their interactions minimal and work related...proceded to block the profile again and asked if my husband could do the same".

Sugar coat it all you want, no matter what this man is doing with this woman, you are showing controlling behaviour. I was controlled like this for a decade, a third of my life. In my case because he felt the same about me and any male companions or colleagues I was friendly with, not cheating with. I've been left an empty shell of who I used to be. I have minimal social interaction, barely leave my house, trust nobody to name a few things.

If you think he is cheating then leave him. If you don't trust what he is doing, leave him. But stop with the controlling.

You shouldn't need to tell a husband to stop texting another woman, he shouldn't want to. I'm not sure where this leaves you as the trust is eroding.

I see this from a different perspective.

There are trust issues / there’s no trust in your relationship.

I couldn’t be with someone constantly checking my phone, controlling my SM account (deleting people who YOU decide shouldn’t have contact) & telling me what I could & couldn’t do. Who I can and cannot speak to.

If this was a reverse and a man was doing this to a women we would all be shouting emotional abuse.

You’re not compatible.

You could argue that few people partner up at all unless they think there is some form of "gain". But the OP wants him to block her, have nothing to do with her, thinks she's been creating false accounts to check up on them - but is following her on Facebook and making judgements which, I am sure, are in no way whatsoever connected to the fact that she hates this woman. And "not looking her age" is neither a crime, nor is it "significantly older". The OP sounds jealous as hell, and very controlling. There may be rights and wrong on both sides, but I wonder if it is all quite as one-sided as she suggests. I could quite easily see someone hounded by controlling behaviour and jealous near stalking of one's life as being the push to find friends elsewhere. Perhaps they would both be much better off ending this.

Just because it's a woman posting doesn't mean that we all have to leap to her total defence or that men are always looking to cheat because that's what they do. If the situation were reversed here and a man was demanding to go through a woman's phone, we would still be saying that ending the relationship is probably the right thing to do - but almost every post would be saying that because it is controlling behaviour and just wrong. If it is wrong for men to control our behaviour (and it is) for whatever they think are good reasons, then it is equally wrong for women to do the same thing. That is entirely seperate from anything else. In the end, if there is no trust in a relationship, going through a phone won't put the trust back even if there is nothing to find - it just makes it worse.