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Original poster

Found another message from the same woman i told him to stop the contact with

105 replies

Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 07:15

Hi everyone. Unfortunately I am back here again posting to all of you. I hope some of you still remember my topic from 8 October.

8 October I found messages between my husband and his female co-worker and found out he drove her to her home multiple times after work. (Did not get inside but drove her to her home)

Like some of you might remember I confronted him and told him I did not want to see that type of contact again. She actually blocked both him and me on Facebook and that was it. A couple days later I found 2 fake accounts following mine and his Instagram which I was sure of it was her so I blocked her on both of our accounts.

Yesterday night we we're eating dinner together and he got a text message, I saw her name so I asked him who it was. He said it's from work. I told him no, who is that? Can I see it? And then he said it's 'D...' from work. I looked at the text message and it said 'I am working from 6 to 11 tomorrow and from 2 to 8 the day after'. There were no other text messages which he obviously deleted. I told him why he needed to text her again about her working hours as almost a month ago we agreed that what he did was wrong and that there would be no contact outside of the office. I was a bit frustrated and left the table.

The message itself was harmless, but knowing he is asking her for her working hours and is deleting his messages makes me feel so upset once again.

I found out you can retrieve deleted text messages on Iphone so an hour later I walked up to him and asked him if I could have his phone. He gave it and when I tried to get the deleted messages back he grabbed his phone and got very defensive and angry. I told him if you have nothing to hide let me retrieve the messages. He was very angry saying that he was telling me the truth and that if I don't believe him I can just basically 'f off. (Not exactly his words but exactly his intend) I stayed very calm and told him this is your last chance, please let me see the deleted messages. He refused, got pissed, and that's it. Protecting his phone till the end.

Am I going too far asking for the deleted messages? If it was harmless then why would you not give it to me to prove your innocence. I can't keep up with this marriage like this.

(I am not native to English and some people thought my post was AI generated the last time haha, I assure you it's me, just not fluent in English)

OP posts:
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FirmMauvePombear · 08/11/2024 09:46

Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 07:15

Hi everyone. Unfortunately I am back here again posting to all of you. I hope some of you still remember my topic from 8 October.

8 October I found messages between my husband and his female co-worker and found out he drove her to her home multiple times after work. (Did not get inside but drove her to her home)

Like some of you might remember I confronted him and told him I did not want to see that type of contact again. She actually blocked both him and me on Facebook and that was it. A couple days later I found 2 fake accounts following mine and his Instagram which I was sure of it was her so I blocked her on both of our accounts.

Yesterday night we we're eating dinner together and he got a text message, I saw her name so I asked him who it was. He said it's from work. I told him no, who is that? Can I see it? And then he said it's 'D...' from work. I looked at the text message and it said 'I am working from 6 to 11 tomorrow and from 2 to 8 the day after'. There were no other text messages which he obviously deleted. I told him why he needed to text her again about her working hours as almost a month ago we agreed that what he did was wrong and that there would be no contact outside of the office. I was a bit frustrated and left the table.

The message itself was harmless, but knowing he is asking her for her working hours and is deleting his messages makes me feel so upset once again.

I found out you can retrieve deleted text messages on Iphone so an hour later I walked up to him and asked him if I could have his phone. He gave it and when I tried to get the deleted messages back he grabbed his phone and got very defensive and angry. I told him if you have nothing to hide let me retrieve the messages. He was very angry saying that he was telling me the truth and that if I don't believe him I can just basically 'f off. (Not exactly his words but exactly his intend) I stayed very calm and told him this is your last chance, please let me see the deleted messages. He refused, got pissed, and that's it. Protecting his phone till the end.

Am I going too far asking for the deleted messages? If it was harmless then why would you not give it to me to prove your innocence. I can't keep up with this marriage like this.

(I am not native to English and some people thought my post was AI generated the last time haha, I assure you it's me, just not fluent in English)

How did you retrieve his deleted messages? I’m going through a similar thing right now with a female work colleague of my husband’s. I had doubts about her when I first saw the way she messaged my husband, and I was not comfortable with her tone. I know it’s hard to tell tone in a message but as a women we know when a women is overstepping. I expressed my concerns and then all contact just stopped which was weird.
I’ve recently come to discover that he’s been deleting messages on WhatsApp.
😞
I hope you found some clarity on what you want to do moving forward. It’s hard to process this kind of information and always lots to consider. Big hugs x

FirmMauvePombear · 08/11/2024 09:37

Can I just check how you are able to retrieve his deleted messages?

Original poster
Annnemarrrie · 04/11/2023 11:47

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 04/11/2023 10:03

OP i am not sure your going to listen to anyone’s advice on here .
He is bloody awful and a game player and Lier . He’s wasting your life but you are letting him.
Stop making excuses for him .

You need to leave ….but you won’t

please don't tell me I won't cause I need all the encouragement 😄 I get what you mean though. I did talk to my solicitor this morning to see how to sort things out. I just need a couple of days to regroup and think everything through on how I want to do everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annnemarrrie · 04/11/2023 11:45

RantyAnty · 04/11/2023 04:16

I have to ask is there a chance your husband is like this with you? You mentioned owning the house and having bought some property to build on.

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I don't think so as he shares financial part in the household and does step up in those ways. Brings home gifts, pays rent (not the full amount as I own the house) helps with groceries etcetera. But you can never be sure can you. I also thought this would be a one time thing that turned out in to multiple slips through the last years.....

OP posts:
Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 04/11/2023 10:03

OP i am not sure your going to listen to anyone’s advice on here .
He is bloody awful and a game player and Lier . He’s wasting your life but you are letting him.
Stop making excuses for him .

You need to leave ….but you won’t

Mix56 · 04/11/2023 07:52

Well, he blew his last chance.
So I'm sorry, he is lying & deceitful.
Time to put your words into actiion

Orange67 · 04/11/2023 07:50

Stop making excuses for him. Leave him, this relationship is dead.

Agapornis · 04/11/2023 07:47

If he's looking for excitement, he should go to a theme park / als hij wat spannends wilt beleven moet hij naar Bobbejaanland gaan... Of wellicht Plopsaland, wat een kinderachtige vent.

I don't agree with your 'no new female/male friends' approach but know this is partly a (stifling) cultural thing and fairly common in Belgium. Clearly this is not the relationship you want for the rest for your life, end it now before your have children.

roseheartfly · 04/11/2023 07:05

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat

Op is not an abuser. This is a toxic relationship and her husband is gaslighting her by lying. She even thinks they haven't 'physically' slept together but it's clear they have

roseheartfly · 04/11/2023 06:57

The fact they both know you know and continue anyway says a lot about the extent of their relationship.

He wants her not you. But he is a coward and will act like he's trying whilst you tear yourself apart thinking about locking yourself in the bathroom. You are not crazy btw. I was you 5 years ago.

Trust your gut and put yourself first.

Turtletumy · 04/11/2023 06:52

It is time for you to finish this relationship and go and have a wonderful life.

PrestonHood121 · 04/11/2023 06:47

Get your ducks in a row and make plans. Once he sees you are serious, and he is about to lose you, his behavior will probably change. Don’t be fooled. He is deceitful

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 04/11/2023 06:46

Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 07:42

Why are men such dissapointments. Is it really that much to ask of a man to just stay loyal and faithful? I've always been good to him. But certainly that doesn't matter.

They aren't all. Some of them can do it. You've just misjudged this one and trusted him, and he's proven that was wrong. Let him go, heal, and find a good one if you want to.

IBE45 · 04/11/2023 05:28

Tandora · 03/11/2023 07:41

I didn’t read the original post so don’t have the back story but this is unhealthy. You can’t trust him and sounds like you have good reason. At the same time trying to control him by monitoring his phone, demanding to know who is texting him all the time and scrutinising / blocking fake accounts on social media is not working and not part of a healthy relationship.
Either you trust him or you don’t, and you don’t (for good reason!) so this has become a toxic situation and needs to end.

This! He sounds like he is hiding something, but your behaviour sounds unhinged too.

RantyAnty · 04/11/2023 04:16

Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 09:19

Where I live it's kind of normal for some women to partner up with their 'sugar daddy'. My intention with writing this is that she is almost for sure not invested in her own upcoming marriage and maybe would like to keep the emotional affair with my husband going

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I have to ask is there a chance your husband is like this with you? You mentioned owning the house and having bought some property to build on.

Guavafish1 · 04/11/2023 04:12

I'm sorry for you

WandaWonder · 04/11/2023 04:02

Why would he respect you when you don't respect yourself?

momonpurpose · 04/11/2023 03:56

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 03/11/2023 07:21

I’d say the relationship is over. He’s cheated. If they’ve not actually had sec they’ve had an inappropriate relationship.

Agreed. You do not want to live always wondering and worried. That pit in your stomach. You deserve more ❤️

Cherry35 · 04/11/2023 03:22

You have to leave him. I would find an emotional affair worse than a physical affair. Contacting your DH at home when you're both in bed is beyond irresponsible and disrespectful.

As you said, it's the third time,he won't change. If you tolerate it now, it will happen again. If he told you it wouldn't happen again, I wouldn't believe him. I think you've crossed a point of no return. Better break now before you have children involved, you're so young and have so many opportunities ahead of you.

Spirallingdownwards · 03/11/2023 17:06

Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 07:31

Should I just grab his phone and lock myself in the bathroom so I can see the actual deleted messages? Or is that another level of crazy

No just dump him

QueenCoconut · 03/11/2023 17:02

Leave him and it will immediately make the “affair” less exciting for him, I guarantee. Once it’s not something he needs to hide from you it will lose its appeal and ruin the fun for both of them. By staying and trying to “win” over him by finding ways to find the truth you’re playing his game and probably making him more determined to hide things.
Show him that you’re above this nonsense situation.

Kisskiss · 03/11/2023 16:44

If he won’t let you retrieve the deleted messages he probably has something to hide. If he was innocent and he wanted to show you that you are being crazy then he would allow you to do whatever you wanted with his phone!!!

PomegranateRose · 03/11/2023 16:41

"Stop looking at her profile, block her yourself on there if you are struggling to stop yourself. Back his bags and ask him to leave if the house is yours."

Definitely agree with this. OP - stop looking at profiles, social media, anything. It is only going to reopen or deepen the wound. When I had been emotionally cheated on by a previous partner and a mutual friend, in the end I just had to go completely cold turkey and only engage in the absolute minimum, most business-like contact necessary to sort anything out. We didn't live together yet, so admittedly that was easier than in your situation, but honestly, looking is not going to help you now. Get any screenshots you might need for your solicitor in terms of grounds for divorce, chuck them on a spare online cloud storage account, whatever, but then stop.

Mrsttcno1 · 03/11/2023 16:27

Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 16:11

For sure. I never stated my behaviour is okay. I admit to being at fault in this. Just simply explaining why I did do it... Everything you're saying is true.

I have an old Facebook account that I logged into yesterday to see if she posted something. I also found a video of her singing a song in our car that she posted today. And yes, I looked again at her profile today. I couldn't help it. I just have to cut ties with my husband that's all I know now

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The thing is though the explanation for your behaviour doesn’t matter, if you understand it’s not acceptable and you don’t have the trust in him to accept his answers, just walk away. All that is going to happen if you remain in this relationship is you’re going to end up destroying yourself to stay in a relationship that doesn’t serve you.

Stop looking at her profile, block her yourself on there if you are struggling to stop yourself. Back his bags and ask him to leave if the house is yours.

Original poster
Annnemarrrie · 03/11/2023 16:11

Mrsttcno1 · 03/11/2023 15:20

OP I hate to say it but regardless of what he has or hasn’t done, your behaviour is not okay. If you don’t trust your husband to answer you truthfully then that is your marriage over, and you should leave him. You don’t need to read the messages, you don’t need to look at her profile, you don’t need his passwords, if you do not trust him then your marriage is over and that’s the bottom line. Just leave.

I don’t understand how if you say she blocked you both on Facebook, how can you not see her posting there about her upcoming wedding?

Also going forward, your attitude towards new friends is extremely unhealthy. If my husband told me I wasn’t allowed to make friends unless we met them together or he met them first, that would be a HUGE red flag, because what he is essentially saying (and what you are saying) is that you don’t believe he is capable of having friendships without cheating.

For sure. I never stated my behaviour is okay. I admit to being at fault in this. Just simply explaining why I did do it... Everything you're saying is true.

I have an old Facebook account that I logged into yesterday to see if she posted something. I also found a video of her singing a song in our car that she posted today. And yes, I looked again at her profile today. I couldn't help it. I just have to cut ties with my husband that's all I know now

OP posts: