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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit peeved that dh doesn’t take any food likes and dislikes in to account when cooking for the family?

87 replies

Borageandchips · 02/11/2023 19:49

Dh is generally a good husband and father. Works hard, reliable, supportive etc.

We both work ft and have two teen dds.

His main household task is food shopping, planning, cooking and serving during the week Mon - Thurs. He also does his own laundry and walks the dog, does the garden, and anything car-related. And bills.

I do all cleaning, organising and decluttering, and do rest of laundry and everything else in the house. Plus all communication with schools, extra curricular stuff, birthdays, holidays and other celebrations, my part of garden, all DIY such as painting and decorating.

But I also cook sometimes during weekends. Or share the cooking if dh wants to do a roast on Sunday. Now the dc are older, I always help him clear up after meals.

Anyway, AIBU to get a bit frustrated when he generally cooks all the things he likes, eg very heavy on red meat and carbs, and doesn’t take in to account the food preferences of me and our daughters who like lots of veg and lighter healthier meals?

For the past three days he has cooked:

L ready prepared sausage rolls
D quite oily pesto pasta with mushrooms and bacon

L pate on toast
D toad in the hole (no veg so I zapped some frozen peas in microwave)

L sausage sandwich
D steak and air fryer chips

He cooks lunch for us both bc we often work from home nowadays.

For full disclosure he did make a leek and potato soup a week or so ago.

I tried to tell him as tactfully as I could tonight that we would appreciate more vegetables for dinner and some chicken and fish sometimes. But he got really upset and said I was ungrateful.

So what do you think?

IABU= = I’m ungrateful and if someone food shops and cooks for me I should not complain and if I want something else I should cook it myself.

IANBU = It’s normal nowadays to want to eat a more balanced diet with lots of vegetables and to ask the cook of the house to accommodate that

Genuinely interested to know what everyone thinks as I feel guilty now for bringing the subject up but I want to try and lose some weight before Christmas and we can’t afford to eat separate meals every night. Nor do I have the time to prepare them.

OP posts:
BonjourCrisette · 02/11/2023 21:41

I do all the cooking in our house (I like it, DH hates it and does lots of the household jobs that I don't like). I take everyone's preferences into account when cooking and do a range of things so while some meals are more to my taste or more to DD's or DH's on different days, we all get things we are at least fairly happy to eat all the time. It's not impossible, though it does take a bit of planning and thought!

I think he is being a bit unreasonable. And serving a meal with no veg is definitely not OK! Even if he isn't bothered, he is presumably aware that it is a good idea to eat it frequently.

Original poster
Borageandchips · 02/11/2023 21:38

Ibravedaflood · 02/11/2023 21:33

Don't you think he just wants you to just take over and get it 'right'?

I genuinely don’t think he’s being strategically incompetent. In his mind, he honestly thinks that he is doing a good job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Borageandchips · 02/11/2023 21:37

Thanks for the suggestion of gusto or hello fresh boxes. I might look in to that as it might solve a number of issues all at once.

Do they work out very expensive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Borageandchips · 02/11/2023 21:35

jesshomeEd · 02/11/2023 21:18

So the issue is more that he does a shit job at all household tasks, forcing you to take over more chores?

What about him doing all the laundry?

I think that’s a bit unfair. He does produce tasty meals that are cooked really well. He’s very proud of them and he puts effort in to it. It’s just he has a different rather old-fashioned idea of what constitutes a good diet.

OP posts:
Ibravedaflood · 02/11/2023 21:33

Don't you think he just wants you to just take over and get it 'right'?

Itsnotchristmasyet · 02/11/2023 21:30

I would just take in turns to cook and he can pick up some of the other things you do instead.

Anywherebuthere · 02/11/2023 21:22

Ilovelurchers · 02/11/2023 19:59

I think it's nice that you are asking here for opinions - you sound like a nice, balanced person.

I have to say that I do think that if you and your kids want different meals you should make them yourselves.

It doesn't have to be time consuming and expensive - couscous with some veg costs pence and takes minutes.

I'd possibly say differently if your husband didn't work. But he works full time. So it's nice of him also to be willing to be full time cook in my opinion (your other jobs seem shared out, from what I can tell - you do a bit more of this, him a bit more of that - but not a big imbalance).

I don't always love the food my husband cooks. He doesn't always love the food I make, probably. That's why we share it out. Both of us express polite gratitude for the meal that is cooked for us - because to do anything else would lead to hurt and upset I think!

Maybe the answer here is just for you and your husband to alternate cooking. And can your kids take a turn too? My daughter has cooked for us (with help when needed) about once a week from age 11 - she enjoys it and it's a good skill.

I agree. But part of being a family is taking on board each other opinions and preferences and try to make it happen without getting upset or offended.

I don't think the answer should always be 'cook for yourself if you don't like it'. The person cooking should consider others too. Thats also what being part of a family is.

2020Raquet · 02/11/2023 21:21

Have you thought about using one of the meal boxes (hello fresh etc). They can be expensive, but just use them for a few months. This would help open his eyes to a wider repertoire ( you could choose some veg heavy options!). It would also be a great way to involve your children, in choosing the menus and also preparing them.

DuploTrain · 02/11/2023 21:18

What about getting a gusto box or similar? (that he is in charge of ordering and cooking).
Then he’ll know what his options to cook are, and they can involve some veg.

jesshomeEd · 02/11/2023 21:18

So the issue is more that he does a shit job at all household tasks, forcing you to take over more chores?

What about him doing all the laundry?

Original poster
Borageandchips · 02/11/2023 21:15

I have spoken to him about health and vegetable content before by the way and he’ll change for a day or two and then go back to the old meat and carb repertoire.

Part of the problem is that he doesn’t do planning and the evening meal often comes around as a bit of a surprise to him
even though he gets back from work earlier than I do as he has a 5 minute commute whereas my journey home is just under an hour.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/11/2023 21:14

Also thinking you could maybe either swap jobs or mix it up a bit so you do some more of the cooking and he takes somethings that you currently do.

I agree I’d want a lot more veg and some lighter meals in there. But I’m pescatarian so obviously I wouldn’t want all that meat.

Idk I might be swayed by the fact he’s got the jobs I quite like - food shopping and cooking - whilst you’ve got all the ones I don’t like.

Original poster
Borageandchips · 02/11/2023 21:09

Wow thanks for all of the responses. Just going through them now!

I would happily swap some cooking duties with some cleaning tasks but dh loves cooking and although it’s not what I would choose to eat he is enthusiastic about it, and he hates cleaning and does it really badly.

That’s a good idea about the girls cooking one night a week. I don’t see why they wouldn’t be able to do that.

I take everyone’s point about lunch and yes I could easily make myself a salad but he does the supermarket shop and it doesn’t occur to him to buy salad or enough veg except to accompany a roast. It’s like his repertoire evolved then stopped evolving in the 1940s. And I refuse to start micro-managing his tasks and do the on-line shop as well as I find doing all the cleaning quite time-consuming. Plus he is always hungry earlier than me.

Having said all of the above, I do appreciate that cooking 5 nights out of 7 is a big responsibility. And I really appreciate that he took the job on in the first place. We generally eat out on a Friday or get a takeaway.

Again, I appreciate everyone’s views. I’m a bit stuck because most people are suggesting I take on more of the responsibility for the cooking but I feel that’s unfair because I clean five days out of seven and do it to a high standard. Dh hardly knows where I keep the hoover. And cooking for a family is very different - or should be - than cooking for yourself. I could let the cleaning slip a bit though I suppose.

OP posts:
spookehtooth · 02/11/2023 21:07

CrystalMaisie · 02/11/2023 20:59

Meal plan together and write the shopping list from it.

I'm surprised it's not instinctive. I can't imagine doing a family shop without talking first, and not having a good idea of what each other liked. None of the random unplanned shops in the 14 years with my ex, by either of us, ever went down badly 🤷‍♂️ Only that one time I accidentally put a tin of tomatos in the shepherds pie, she's never forgotten that 🤣

DelphiniumBlue · 02/11/2023 21:04

Tbh, that's not what I would call cooking. Sausage rolls, pesto pasta, that's heating stuff up, he could at least do a salad with it - even salad out of a bag and cherry tomatoes ( so no extra actual cooking) would improve things.
Also, it sounds like you are doing way more of the actual chores. So I would reorganise how it's all divided up AND I would not be hinting, I would be saying very clearly that you all need balanced meals and that includes less red meat and more veg. Does he actually how how to cook proper meals, or know what exactly you would like? Is that he doesn't really know what else to cook?
I think you should all be involved in the meal planning, and that the DC should be helping with the cooking and clearing up. You could start making a list of what you do want to eat, and maybe sending links to recipes. But you really need a proper conversation, and find out what his limits are ( eg doesn't want to spend more than 15 minutes prepping food, doesn't know many veggie recipes) and what your food requirements are ( eg veggie dishes twice a week/2 veg with every meal). Hinting is a waste of time, say what you mean directly.

Paperbagsaremine · 02/11/2023 21:00

My god, that's... Not as healthy as it could be. On the bright side, I bet expenditure on bog roll is minimal if everyone is pooping just once a week!!
"Meat and two veg" is a well known saying for a reason.

It's not like it's hard to microwave two different frozen vegetables or open a bag of premade salad, either .

How to approach it diplomatically though... I dunno, tell him you know he's the sort of wonderful man who would do anything to make his family happy and healthy...? Lay it on thick?

CrystalMaisie · 02/11/2023 20:59

Meal plan together and write the shopping list from it.

Anywherebuthere · 02/11/2023 20:57

7Worfs · 02/11/2023 19:56

YABU.
Planning, shopping and cooking from scratch every damn evening is exhausting enough. It’s not a restaurant.

No it really isnt. The least the person who is doing the cooking can do is consider what family members like or don't like.

That doesnt mean make multiple meals each mealtime but at least mix it up a bit over the days so everyones preference is taken into account at some point.

Its only fair.

Allwelcone · 02/11/2023 20:55

You should cook a bit more. And tell him what you'd like to change.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 02/11/2023 20:51

YANBU to not want that food all the time but I think you need to split the chores differently. I'd be more on your side if it was food you actively disliked but it doesn't sound like it is.

Making your own lunches would be a start. DH and I wfh and often have lunch together, but we eat different things.
Your DDs are teenagers so could (and imo should) be choosing and cooking one meal a week each. Doesn't have to be anything complicated. If they've never cooked before you and your DH can start very basic in terms of teaching them.

Soontobe60 · 02/11/2023 20:50

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2023 19:57

He's being very selfish and difficult. He's cooking for the family, not just for himself, and as far as you being "ungrateful", he can fuck right off with that. Does he think he deserves an award for doing a basic adult/parenting chore?

😂😂😂
nobody said he deserves an award.
OP, sit down with him and the kids, draw up a list of all your fave meals then do a weekly meal plan where each of you chooses a meal for everyone.
As has already been said, half the effort of cooking is trying to come up with ideas and doing the shopping. Meal planning takes all the stress out of that part.

underneaththeash · 02/11/2023 20:49

Ibravedaflood · 02/11/2023 20:45

Can't imagine meal planning without input form all family members who are expected to eat the meals..

I do all meal planning and cooking for family. But I air into account tastes and have a strong grasp of nutrition. So we have our meat free day, two days of fish, red meat less often and lots of veggies.

spookehtooth · 02/11/2023 20:48

Buying shopping and deciding dinners was always mutually agreed with the children taken into account. Dinner plans sketched out prior to doing food shops, and portion sizes respected when serving up. It's possible to do some meals where there's some variation based on preferences on each plate

Why would you not be aware of everyone's likes and dislikes, and work out sensible compromises? It's either that or more cooking and less time doing fun things. Ultimately it benefits the whole group

Dragonsandcats · 02/11/2023 20:48

@SecondUsername4me i would agree if he was serving reasonably healthy food. but that is 3 days/6 meals with 1 vegetable.

Ibravedaflood · 02/11/2023 20:45

Can't imagine meal planning without input form all family members who are expected to eat the meals..

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