I should never have been a mum

YANBU - you can love your child without actually enjoying parenting though. Personally I always struggled and hid it well - mine are in their 20s now. Going back to work helps as you get to focus on something else.

Ok let's talk practically then. What's the nature of your job and how long have you been there?

What are your usual hours?

What's your relationship like with your line manager? A good manager will understand that it is challenging coming back after this big change.

Have you used your annual leave that you accrued during maternity leave?

Do you have any colleagues who have had babies in the recent past you could lean on for advice in how they have managed?

This isn't my area of expertise, but as a single mum you may be able to drop to part time if full time work is not feasible and have a universal credit top-up. There may be people here who can advise better.

And you are going to be absolutely fine! You can already tell from your posts that you are a great mum. If it is any help, I often feel exactly the same as you - I'm on maternity and I feel like I'll never have a life back again. But I'm assured I will, and this time does pass super fast. We will get there. Don't be afraid to reach out to your doctor or HV for support - that's what they're there for.

I felt the same before going back to work. Working restored my sense of being me. My commute/lunch gave me time where I could read a book, do admin etc. if you can work from home at all it’s also helpful.

With housework, as long as your house is safe children really don’t notice. Do what you can but try to not have too high standards… by which I mean can you wear clothes a bit more before being washed, that type of thing. And anything that saves you time, a cheap handheld hoover was the best thing we bought when ds was a toddler!

it does get better and there are lots of good bits to look forward to!

Following on from my last post can I just recommend the book "the organised mum method". It's changed my life, my house is spotless and I don't find cleaning a chore. It essentially advocates for half an hour of cleaning a day (it gives you a different room and checklist each day) for Monday to Thursday. Friday is a random day where you organise a random part of your house such as a cupboard on an 8 week rotation. Weekends are no cleaning. It also gives you a couple of tasks you should be doing each day to maintain the house but they don't take longer than ten minutes.

You say your house is a mess, it has a section on how to get your house in order before you start the method.

I have no connection to this book I just found it extremely helpful when I first had my baby and I found I was struggling to find the time to keep my house clean and tidy. So I thought it might help :)

I'm a single parent, dds never even met her dad.

Going back to work was a relief as it gave me a bit of my sense of self back. I also appreciated the time with dd more.

You'll find your way with catching up with housework, it gets easier as they get older.

If he's a chilled and lovely baby then you've answered your own question - he is happy!

There is a thread like this at least once a week from a lone mum and it is always when baby is 11-13 months - my baby isn't far off this so I'm dreading it a bit! I'm imagining it's because they are walking or crawling everywhere and napping less so the exhaustion really hits.
All I can say is it's not YOU it's this life style it's hard and we weren't meant to do this all alone xx

Oh you poor thing. Reading your post I think you sound like a great mum. Being a new parent is super tough and having little practical help must exacerbate that feeling many times over.

Going back to work sounds like the best thing to do. I felt a bit lost until I went back to work, I found my days repetitive and boring. I was very scared going back, wondering how I would cope but I honestly love it now. Ive gone back only part time and the days I'm at work I feel like me again. I also enjoy my days with my baby a million times more.

Good luck I hope everything works out for you!

Did you know... it's possible to love your kid and hate parenting? Well, it is. And you'll rarely hear it because some do-gooder will tell you the golden moments make it all worthwhile.

Except sometimes they don't, and you still hate being a parent.

This is just as ok as people saying they don't enjoy driving buses, don't enjoy being a waitress, or hate working in a bank. Because parenting actually is work.

Seeing as your son is now over a year old, can you make an arrangement for his father to take him at regular times? I'm thinking to start with just half a day on a Saturday, or even every second Saturday? You know him (we don't) but as long as you think he'd be safe, maybe saying "it's time to start" rather than asking, might work. Even useless dads who can't change a nappy tend to survive a few hours, and toddlers really don't suffer when the father gets it wrong and a poonami ends up all over the floor! Just imagine, you'd be able to take yourself out for brunch, sit in the park without a pram, or get your hair done. Time to be you... which hasn't happened for so long. xx

I think what your feeling is completely normal, your at a really hard stage and I felt the exact same, I hated myself but once I started to talk to my friends about it who are mums they said they felt the same when their babies was around that age. I think a lot of people just don't talk about it but I'm out the other side, you will get there OP

Ds18, was 6 months when I went back to work. He was thee most chilled little Angle! I still couldn’t wait to get back to work! I felt like the old me. Having adult conversations everyday day. Yes illness will stress you out, like all mums, but you’ll get through it. It will honestly flash by before you know it 😊

You poor thing. It’s exhausting and draining and you completely lose yourself. And you’re doing it alone. Just had a photo pop up of me at the end of Year One any dear god, I look broken and felt exactly like this.
Year Two I’m ashamed to say I used to dread finishing work as I found motherhood more exhausting. Work became a break and I NEVER believed mothers who said this pre-parenthood.
By Year Three Im perfectly happy to spend all my free time with DS and its honestly fun (most of the time!) You make Mum friends, go out for the day with less planning, they crack you up with all the funny things they say. Oh, and they sleep (finally!)
The love hasn't changed but the workload does and its so much easier to feel the joy when not every single minute is a job.

Don’t be too hard on yourself you wouldn't be worrying like this if there was something missing.
Hang in there - you are clearly a great Mum x

You may find your work allow a certain number of 'family days' because lots of people have unexpected, family crises.

When you are back at work, with other adults, you will adjust to that. You will have time to think about yourself because the people around you won't need your constant attention. You will get a lunch break, perhaps someone will bring you a cup of tea, nobody will cry if you go to the toilet. You will put on a nice top and it will still be pristine hours later. And your DC will change and some ages you will enjoy more than others and that's all OK.

Your home doesn't need to be clean and tidy everywhere but if this is something which really stresses you then prioritise getting a cleaner to concentrate on the areas which bother you most.

Good luck going back to work OP, hope this fabulous thread of support has given your confidence a boost. You sound like a very caring mum. Let us know how you get on xx

I’m not a single mum but my dh worked long hours and I found the first two years really hard (being back at work both good and stressful at the same time)

it gets SO much better as they get older. My little boy is now 4 and an real blessing - he helps round the house, helps me remember important things, makes me giggle every day. And my teenager is independent really! It is hard, hard work and there are still days I feel like I want to resign my job as Mum but… best job in the world.

Is he just one now OP? Mine is 13 months and now he's settled at the childminder it's so much better. Try not to worry about the rest of his childhood. Just focus on Monday and take it one day at a time. We've been there and it does get better soon xxx

I hated this stage too and I had a supportive and loving co-parent. Going back to work helped massively. DH died when DD was 2.5 and I thought I would never cope because I hated parenting so much – but by the time DD was 3, the good far outweighed the bad, and now that she’s 5 being her mum is the best thing in my life. I never thought I could ever feel that way. You will too. It’s okay to hate this bit, I promise.

My DD has just turned 2. I went back to work when she was 10 months and it was the best thing (I went PT). I found the baby days boring, relentless, mat leave was lonely and I felt like I'd lost myself. I have a physical disability so having to manage that as well was tough. Being honest during that time I felt like I wasn't meant to be a mum. However now dd is 2, it's SO much better. I can have little conversations with her, she learns things quickly, loves to play together, will sit and read a book with me. I didn't really know how to interact with her when she was younger tbh. I mean of course it's still hard but it feels easier. I think we are settled in a routine, I'm more confident as a parent, the tricky bits are just a phase. Dd loves nursery so I have no guilt about working. I didn't believe people when they said it gets easier, but it really does. You are doing an amazing job ♥️

just to echo all the lovely PPs who have said what I would / do say which is yup motherhood, especially the early years is hard relentless work and it can feel really like an identity shift (not necessarily to one you want!). For every one of the annoying as hell instamums posting their best life ever, there are 10 mums who are just getting by, having moments of joy as you say you are but also feeing a bit done in, ragged round the edges and wanting a very long weekend break and someone to clean the house and sort out all the sh*t.

You say you are worried about work. I actually think going back to work will make quite a lot of things easier - weirdly it means you have more actual time / more brain space because you have some time away from your LO. All employers have to have some support / recognition of childcare responsibilities (e.g. request for flexible working, allowing emergency pick ups). Obviously what this looks like depends on the individual employer but I'd suggest you ask for a return to work meeting next week to ask what your employer does do to support parents e.g. my employer allows X many days 'childcare' days if your child is sick and you don't have anyone else to help.

Just take it one day at a time. I felt like you, most days I do a bit feel like you (I have a 2 year old). I feel like a shit mum for saying it, but I enjoy work and it makes me a better mum to have some time apart from my daughter. I did and do have bad bad PND though - so if these feelings are overwhelming and not alleviating do seek help. It's out there (GP, Health visitor but also look at PANDAs)

Going back to work make the biggest difference with how you're feeling.

If money isn't too tight, get a cleaner even if only once every 2 weeks/month. That'll help with your mental health as well as just keeping the home tidy. It's fucking impossible at times to stay on top of whether you're a sahm or working.

Please please see your doctor. I was diagnosed with PND after I also felt just like this, dd was 10 months old. It was an eye opener. I'd gone back to work which was a godsend. But I still had very low points.

You are doing a stellar job. You're not alone. There is a community of mums, women just like you who understand and will say the same thing - You've got this.

Take it a say at a time, a step at a time. Your son is fine. Look after you now x

Hopefully your work will be understanding, knowing you're a single mum.

Plus at this age, nurseries provide longer hours than school so you could find one open 7-6 or something along those lines and then hopefully could manage the drop off and pick ups around work. I wfh and pick up my daughter before I've finished, nobody minds at all. You'll find many parents do nursery/school runs during the working day, it's quite common so hopefully your work will be understanding too 😊

This isn't necessarily true. Some people don't enjoy parenthood regardless of support. It can be more complex than that.

Mate, just to say I think you're amazing. I feel like I'm falling apart right now, and that is with a pretty supportive husband. I'm scared about returning to work as well, but it went OK the first time round. DD rarely needed picking up at short notice, and they understood if so. I think you just have to get on with it a bit, but easier said than bloody done I realise

Being a parent at this stage is about keeping them safe and alive. Don’t be afraid to let them cry for a bit while you shower / take a few minutes for a breather.

You are a literal superstar doing this largely alone, and your son is a very lucky child to have you as a mum. I have a husband and often think how amazing single mums are. I was alone this week while working and taking care of my 1 and 3 year old, and it was chaos. The floors are a disaster, toys everywhere, but the children are fed and mostly happy (i've been living on scraps of their leftovers because I don't have time, and then it's 9pm and i'm exhausted and just want bed). You're doing the best you can, and your son is going to really appreciate that one day. I heard from a friend that everyone thinks age 0-1 is the hardest, but she thought 1-2 was worse, as they are into everything, they can't talk or rationalise, but they want constant attention etc. I really think that there is a truth in there. I agree with the others though that if you can, you should try get back to work as it really helps to build back confidence and people to talk to. A good workplace really does get behind you when you have a sick child in the background of calls, especially post covid. You've got this x