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Original poster

To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

619 replies

PurpleLampShades · 01/11/2023 09:09

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

OP posts:
Newshoesnewname · 02/07/2024 17:40

Oh gosh, that is heartbreaking, I feel for you

I think it is positive though. Now he has come once, and knows it's safe, I think he is more likely to come again

You didn't turn him away, or grill him, or try and stop him leaving so he may find it easier in future to run too you.

If he comes again you can try to get a bit further, but my feeling is that you don't want him to feel uncomfortable coming to you and be worried about getting a grilling.

zusje · 02/07/2024 17:38

Oh @PurpleLampShades my heart breaks for you, I gasped reading that post. Please don't blame yourself for falling asleep you wouldn't have been able to keep him by force if he wasnt ready anyway. He came to you ik his hour of need, he knows you're a safe place and he won't be judged when he comes back. Keep the faith, it sounds like he's slowly but surely making his way out. Sending you strength and positive energy!

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 02/07/2024 17:29

Hello. Well, I thought I might have some good news to share with you all at the weekend but things never work out the way you want them to do they? I feel like I should have posted on here at the time to get some advice about how to approach it, and I’m absolutely kicking myself now that I didn’t, because perhaps someone may have suggested something that might have worked.

But anyway, things were relatively quiet for several weeks. Nothing really happening, no more incidents that I know of. I spoke to him briefly twice on the phone but I think I was on speakerphone and/or she was listening as he wasn’t very talkative and I didn’t feel I could really talk to him or ask him anything.

Then this weekend he turned up at the house on Friday night. It must have been about 1am. I was in bed but luckily still awake, as is usual for me these days, for this very reason though - In case he turned up here or phoned me. He was in a state, emotional, teary, but very quiet. Didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to answer any questions, but we sat together on the sofa with the tv on and I gave him a cuddle. I cannot tell you how good it felt to properly hug my little boy again but also how much it broke my heart. You know how it feels when your child is distressed and they cling on to you for comfort? That’s what it was. We sat like that for a long while then I put him to bed in his room and he fell asleep, out like a light. When I went to check on him a while later I saw he had bruises/marks on his neck and his phone lit up while I was in there - 63 missed calls.

I went to bed thinking I would stay awake just in case but stupidly ended up falling asleep - I should have stayed in the lounge - and when I woke up he had gone back to her. He left a little note saying sorry and thank you, they had an argument but they’ve made up now and he hopes to see me soon. That was on Saturday but I haven’t heard from him since. I just don’t understand what happened nor why he would go back. Though I suppose they do say it takes seven attempts to leave don’t they? Maybe that was the first try? Sorry it’s not better news.

OP posts:
Incakewetrust · 29/06/2024 02:04

Here for you op xxx

Dancingonaslice · 22/06/2024 14:35

Sending thoughts and hoping for a breakthrough for you purple

Ive never known a thread receive such ongoing support as these ones have. I think the situation touches such a deep sense of pain and helplessness that as parents we can all empathise with.

I know when he does finally leave her purple it won’t erase these years of pain and anguish or regret at his lost teenage carefree moments but I hope you will finally be able to sleep and know he’s safe and start to rebuild things together as a family.

JaceLancs · 21/06/2024 19:25

Any updates OP? It’s the stuff of nightmares
There have been occasions I have questioned my DD and DS relationship choices due to abuse or coercive control - now thankfully in the past but nothing on the same scale as you have had to cope with

HateMyselfToo · 21/06/2024 18:51

Still here, thinking of you.
I hope this is the beginning of the end of this ordeal now that other people are flagging things.
Hang in there.

WhatWouldYouDoEh · 05/06/2024 06:42

I have read all your threads and check in regularly now, and think of you often. I have a son (still small) and cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling going through this, such a nightmare. I truly hope your son is away from this woman soon.

LakieLady · 31/05/2024 19:33

Still thinking of you and your son, @PurpleLampShades .

Hope you're ok.

Sauvblanctime · 31/05/2024 19:22

Felt like there might be an update today, I don’t know why, I hope you’re doing ok xx

Incakewetrust · 27/05/2024 23:49

Still here thinking of you and your son op xx

Spaghettily · 23/05/2024 22:16

Sorry this is still going on. So hard. Every time you see him, let him know you love him and he can come home anytime.

Hullabalooza · 23/05/2024 21:33

Also been following your posts since the first thread and want to echo other posters that you’re doing so well. My heart hurts for you and I hope with every fibre of my being that this is all over and he comes back to you soon. Not sure if others have said this and I know you said you aren’t planning to, but I’d definitely do a Clare’s law application. You just never know what it might show.

dinkybella77 · 22/05/2024 21:32

Also been here from thread 1 and feel emotional reading every update. I think every mother of a son feels for you. What amazing strength you show for your son.
The power of a mother's love is greater than any force on earth ❤️ 💪

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 22/05/2024 06:48

Been here since Thread 1 purple. I was thinking of you and your son and so wishing he was back home with you, especially since the update.

I hope it's not long until he is back with you again. I will keep everything crossed for you both.

Imisscoffee2021 · 17/05/2024 15:04

@PurpleLampShades I've been following this since the beginning and think of you and your son often. I've since had my own son, he's 10 months old, and your strength and resilience has astounded me all the more, as well as a more acute awareness of how much of a toll this must be taking on you now I have a child. I so hope with this new development, that one day soon the first steps are taken of him getting away for the dreg of a woman and home safe. Big hugs to you x

Thedogscollar · 14/05/2024 02:10

Hi Purple another poster who has been with you from thread one.
You truly are one amazing woman. I'm so sorry to hear of your son being hospitalised but it's resulted in him being on people's radar now.
I hope this is the year this nightmare ends for you both. Keep strong, you are a lioness. X

Seagrassbasket · 13/05/2024 18:51

Thankyou for updating @PurpleLampShades. Like many others I think of you and your boy often.

Hoping very hard that his new contact with a support worker comes to a positive outcome xx

Fannyfiggs · 11/05/2024 12:47

Oh Purps, like a lot of other posters on your threads, I think of you often. It seems your son may be a tiny step further forward in seeing his relationship for what it really is.

Sending you both huge amounts of strength and love ❤️

lbnblbnb · 11/05/2024 08:25

Just sending love @PurpleLampShades

I have a son a similar age and it chills my blood to think of what you and your son are going through. The support worker sounds a hopeful sign, but all so slow. You have been an amazing, strong mother to him.

WhitePhantom · 09/05/2024 20:02

I think about you very often Purple, and am so sorry this is still going on. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been going through. I'm glad you got a few minutes with him, glad he's now on some serious radar, and glad you've opened up to some colleages too. Sending you hugs and strength x

Justalittlebitfurther · 09/05/2024 19:06

Goodness this must be so difficult for you. I’m glad you got those few minutes with him at the hospital and that they rang you. Keep strong. Let’s hope he comes home soon x

IHateLegDay · 09/05/2024 07:39

PurpleLampShades · 08/05/2024 15:02

Sorry. Just to clarify the ambulance and hospital were one incident. There have been other smaller things/concerns that also cropped up but it was that one specifically that triggered the referrals and then the assessment. Briefly, he suffered a head injury and was knocked out, after which he had a period of time where he was a bit confused and just really not with it and ended up saying a couple of things to the paramedics and hospital staff and behaving in a way that sparked concern. This was before she arrived at the hospital. The paramedics had told her she needed to make her own way to the hospital. I don’t know if that’s a standard thing or whether they wanted to separate DS from her for a bit. I was also called by the hospital and actually managed to get there before she did so whilst the whole thing was awful overall, I did get a blissful few minutes with him to hug him and hold his hand without her breathing down his neck. It also meant I got to explain the background of the situation to one of the lovely nurses, who was amazing. That was the last time I saw him. I’ve spoken to him once on the phone since then but that’s it. I do now have his number again and I send regular texts but never get a reply. I don’t try to ring because it always goes straight to voicemail.

Thank you for all the kind posts. I’m doing ok at the moment I think or as well as can be expected. I have actually opened up a bit to two work colleagues after having a bit of a breakdown at work. They have been really supportive and amazing at encouraging me to keep banging the drum so to speak. I feel a bit silly for not speaking up sooner to be honest. Still seeing a counsellor who is good at helping me to reframe some of my thought processes and perspectives. Still on medication and I now also have meds to help me sleep but I’m a bit reluctant to take them in case DS rings and I don’t hear it.

Oh I just want to give you a big hug 😔

HulaChick · 08/05/2024 22:44

You are one incredible & strong Mumma Purple. We're all behind you and your son xxx

L1ttledrummergirl · 08/05/2024 22:11

@PurpleLampShades have you thought of leaving him a voice message, just reminding him that you love him, and miss him and letting him know you will be available to him whenever he wants to see you.

You may not get to speak to him, but it will be there for him to hear whenever he wants, and the sound of your voice could give him strength.