To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

@PurpleLampShades
He came to you in his time of need.
He knew he would be safe and loved.
He knew he wouldn't be judged.
He knows he can rely on you.
You are his Mum.
You will never ever give up on him.
He just knows.

You have been unbelievably brave throughout the months that have gone. You will both get through this. My admiration for your actions throughout are immense. I remember reading the very first post and my heart went out to you. Keep going purple 💜 x

I've just read every one of your posts from beginning to end and I'm so sorry for what you and your son have been through and are still going through. It is heartbreaking. I am thinking of you both and hoping so much that he comes back to you soon. You are still his safe space - well done for your hard work on this, the times you have restrained yourself and bitten your tongue have paid off. You did exactly the right thing.

Hi, I haven't read the whole thread, but have read all your posts, OP. I wanted to tell you about my own experience of being in an abusive relationship at 18, with someone who separated me from my family. I never stopped thinking about them despite hearing from my partner that they didn't care about me and that I shouldn't care about them. It lasted two years before I was frightened enough to escape and go back to my family. I'm very grateful that my family and I managed to repair things and are close again. Your love for your DS and your pain are so apparent. It sounds as if you are doing all the right things, and it also sounds as if things are falling apart in your DS's relationship - sounds like a possible extinction burst. Wishing all the best for you and your DS.

Heartbreaking as it must have been purple to see him like that and for him to go again I really do think this is a massive step forwards. You did absolutely everything right, showing him that unconditional love in his safe home. He will always know he can come to you

Dear Purple, I’ve only stumbled on your story today and skimmed through your posts but fully support PPs who have said you did the right thing.

If they had a row, this might be the beginning of the end despite him going back but it must mean he did oppose her for a while. You have shown you are there for him and he has shown he will trust you and come to you when he needs help.

Keep taking the deep breaths and take support where you can.

You must be so worried purple, but you've shown him unconditional love which he will remember.
If he's still involved with any services I'd update them and tell them what happened, other than that I agree with others it sounds like you handled it so well.

You were perfect. He trusted you enough to come to you and now he will trust you even more - he needed you and you were his mother. Sray strong xx

I agree with what others have said. You did everything right and just confirmed that you are his safe space.
Sending you a massive hug!

I would take from this he knows in his heart you are there. You didn't ask any more of what he was prepared or able to give, you just were there for him. He will have that for when she is being nasty to him, to know she isn't right about everything 💜

I don't think you should have done anything different to what you did.

He knows he can come and go now, without censure. He will be back, maybe not permanently next time, but he will be back

I was just about to type exactly this. Well done. He now knows for sure he can come back to safety without judgement and receive love and care. I hope he manages to break free soon.

Hi Purple, I think you did everything right, you reaffirmed that home is a safe place for him x

Another thought... By going to sleep you showed you trusted him. You weren't monitoring his movements and you don't plague him with millions of missed calls. He got up and was able to do what he wanted. You will have reminded him what is waiting for him when he's become strong enough to leave her.

Oh Purple. 😔

I'm sorry he went back. I'm so glad he came though. It shows he trusts you and knows you are there for him.

If you ever get a similar situation again where you are alone with him at all, one thing I would say is tell him there is nothing anyone could say or do that would stop you loving him. Not in the context of if they break up, just in general.

My son came to me this week with something minor in comparison but he was so relieved he'd come to me and I reiterated he can come to me anytime with anything. Nothing him or anyone else could do or say would change that.

Sometimes abusers threaten to tell the victim's loved ones dark secrets they have told during the love bombing stage, or moans they have said in confidence, or they threaten to ruin a loved one's life or security etc if the victim leaves. The victim then stays as even the thought of their one safe person being hurt (even emotionally) is more than they can bare. 😔

Is he just at home now? Has he got a job?? I'm just wondering if there's any chance of coming across him like you were able to at college that time.

Also: what is your local police force's stance on domestic violence? Mine at one point, I'm not sure if they still do, had a zero tolerance policy and they didn't need the victim's permission to prosecute. This might be something to look into for future reference. Or even for this incident but that is something to mull over.

I'm so sorry. My son is only 1, but the idea of seeing my boy with bruises at the hands of someone else makes me feel sick and equally want to scream my head off in rage.

I think you're doing much much better than you're giving yourself credit for. I know I wouldn't be that restrained and calm, and that's what your son needs and that's what you're being. He wouldn't come to you if you weren't his absolute safe space. That's all you can be for him right now. And all he needs from you right now.

It'll be hard not to beat yourself up, but try not to. You fell asleep, you didn't do anything bad. You're suffering too and you matter too. You need to be able to sleep and have feelings and look after you- so you can be strong for him.

I also think if you had stayed awake, or slept nearby or whatever, it would have been worse. Imagine you're exhausted and stressed to the max. Then he wants to go back. How do you think that would have gone? Not well I imagine. This is a blessing in disguise, only in the sense that this way now, it has been left at you being his safe space still. He has those memories of his mummy cuddling him and being calm and safe. Rather than the mental and emotional gymnastics of him wanting to go back (feeling like he has to rather than true want) and having to get past your feelings on the matter. As awful as that sounds! And if that makes sense. He knows his mum is there.

You're doing wonderful

You did EVERYTHING right here, although it probably doesn't feel like it. You didn't bad mouth her, you didn't push him, you just let him be where he needed to be. He knew exactly where he wanted to be. And one day, he will want to be free from her but he's not there yet.

If he has a social worker, or police liason, then let them know what happened. They might do a welfare check.

You were perfect.

I agree with everyone else, you didn't quiz him or judge him just loved him and he will remember that in his darkest days and slowly he will get stronger

I don't think there was anything you could have done better for him than what you did. You opened the door, welcomed him in, and held and comforted him, all without fanfare and drama. Quietly doing that and then putting him to bed was what he needed, and he will remember that more than anything.

This.

I'm sorry you had to see him like that, but take hope from the fact that he came to you.x.

She pushed him further than he would take, he came to you and you were perfect. He knows he can come back to you. Any headway she might have made with poisoning him against you is undone, just like that. I'm hopeful that he's breaking free.

This exactly. He knows he can come to you.

But I'm sorry it's not a better situation for you and your son. It's just a waiting game now but he knows you're there for him.

Oh @PurpleLampShades I feel so sad for you both. Can you ring and ask the police to do an anonymous welfare check due to the bruises? I’m not sure if that’s the right thing to suggest - hopefully someone will be along soon with better advice 💐💐

Oh God Purple. Your poor boy. That is so heartbreaking.

BUT. He came to you. You are his safe space.

@PurpleLampShades Oh bless you. I'm so sorry. Glad that you saw him and were able to hold him, but sorry for what you witnessed and that he's gone back to her. Are you able to report to the Police or a Social/Support Worker what you witnessed on his body and phone? Just so it's on record.

Other than that, I don't think there was anything you could have done better for him than what you did. You opened the door, welcomed him in, and held and comforted him, all without fanfare and drama. Quietly doing that and then putting him to bed was what he needed, and he will remember that more than anything. Don't blame yourself for falling asleep - you needed your rest and, even if you had remained awake, I believe he would still have gone back to her - and it may have resulted in angry words at parting. You were amazing.

I hope this is indeed the first step in a path back to happiness for you both. Sending much love. xx