To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

Disgusting that you think people are checking in just for the 'drama'!
Many of us have been here from the start and just want purple to know that even after all this time, even if she's not active on the thread, we still care, we support her and are here if she wants an ear, reassurance, advice etc.

The fact that you assume the worst says more about you than anyone else.

That’s a callous assumption. I’ve been here from the beginning and noticed in my watched threads that it’s been a few days since anyone had checked in on this thread to say they were thinking about her. She’s a mother in a very lonely situation which I think a lot of us have empathy for, also for anyone experiencing coercive control. I’m sad that I have to say that I would prefer the least dramatic outcome in this situation - as I’d like to think we all would.

Anyway, this isn’t helpful to Purple. I agree that I hope she has her notifications set up to her preferences - on if she finds the check-ins of comfort and off if she’d prefer not. Best wishes as always, Purple.

I'm sure Purple could do without people tagging her in a transparent attempt to get the drama. I hope she's turned email notifications off.

Hope you and your son are ok, @PurpleLampShades

Still here purple xxx

Hi @PurpleLampShades just thinking of you and your ds. Just want you to know you have a whole army of mums behind you. I hope you are living life as well as you can. I think of you often and look at your thread daily for updates. Your time will come. X

oh @PurpleLampShades Im just catching up on your latest update. I think you handled this situation really well. You have had great advice again and your son knows you are a safe place to come.

Is there anyway you can contact SS etc to update what has happened, if you havent done so?

He is clearly in a cycle of abuse, poor boy, poor you. Im hopeful he leaves soon.

Hope you're ok this week purple xx

Hi Purple, I cannot imagine how you sleep but I'm so glad you and he were able to do this together which is huge. He has not dared return to his home throughout all of this from what I remember so he is making some changes to the pattern.

He now knows he can come home and sleep safely in his own bed. What a relief from the environment he has with her. In the hope of a repeat, can you put some resources in his room that you have come across and might be helpful? Anything you have seen related to DV or helplines, stories of others who have been in a similar situation and found hope and help. Or just a letter from you naming your fears, your love and your hopes. It's anything that can interrupt the story she gives which will be isolating, hopeless and disempowering. Maybe a spare SIM card or alternative phone. It's like a first aid resource for people in oppressive relationships. Keep doing what you are doing because it seems to be the main thing working. We have to change our laws.

Well done Purple- I am another one who thinks your instincts were right.

Despite all her efforts to isolate him, you have kept the door between you open.

No matter what she tries from here or what lies she tells about you, he knows that you are still there for him and will offer comfort without judgement.

He has a safe place and a safe person.
This is so good for him.

Very very tough for you though 💐

Please keep updating us OP. Stay strong

Feel for you OP, must be an horrendous position to be in. I really hope your DS sees the light soon and returns to you. I really hoped for your benefit that you might have had better news by now. You must be at your wits end!

I truly believe this too. It may not seem much but infact it's quite significant that he came home to you, and he will again, hopefully for good.

Totally agree. Purple you are an amazing mum

This

My heart breaks for you and him. Hopefully very soon he will be hone fit good

Onwards and upwards, Purple! You have lots of mumsnetters rooting for you! Hope and prayers that you will get him back.

This is a great perspective. You've not lost him Purple, your bond is strong because of your love, strength, and dedication. You may not be able to severe the hold she has over him, only he can do that, but the cracks are widening.

I hope you've managed to report everything? With the paramedic concerns and you seeing more bruises, I'm hoping it's all building a good body of evidence. The police can take action to prosecute, even if DS doesn't.

Really hope you're doing okay.

He still sees home as a safe place. It means that even if it doesn't feel like it, you haven't lost him. Hold on to that.

I think this is actually quite positive from his side, they had an argument, he chose to come to you, his safe place. You didn’t tell him he had to leave her, you just held him and loved him. I think this is the start of it all ending, and I would start looking into trauma therapy for him because after being in an abusive relationship before, he will need it xx

@PurpleLampShades I’ve just come across your posts and read through them. I can’t believe what you’re having to deal with, and how well you’re dealing with it. Having that vile woman in your house and watching what she does to your son is unthinkable and incredibly strong on your part. I can’t help thinking that if the gender roles were reversed and an older man was abusing a teenage girl then it would be taken more seriously.

Your situation highlights a huge gap in the safeguarding of 16-18 year olds, there seems to be no consensus on whether they are to be treated as kids or adults. Apologies if people have already said this, but have you contacted your MP? And I know PP have said this, but surely a PI could help gather evidence of her abuse? Surely if someone at the contact centre saw her putting her hands around DS’ throat, then a PI could get solid evidence of such incidents.

You are right that it may take many more times for his to escape yet and I can’t even imagine how much it must hurt knowing he is so close but so far but you are doing amazing as always!

You are everything he needs and more, sometimes there is a real art to do nothing and just waiting. You are so consistent, he had a brief glimpse of what it is like to be loved and accepted unconditionally. That’s a really huge thing, and even if years from now he doesn’t remember all the words that were or weren’t said he will always remember how it felt to be embraced and loved despite a really prolonged and complex situation. He is loved and lucky x

Whilst your update is so sad, I have to agree with previous posters, the relationship and her hold on your Son is beginning to unravel.

Hold on OP, it'll come to an end eventually .

This is massive progress. He now knows for sure that you will always be there for him. So no matter what poison she drips in his ear to try to make him think that he only has her in the world, he will know it is not true.

Oh purple - it’s all so heartbreaking but I’m so glad he knows you are his safe place still.

I just wanted to suggest that maybe you should hide a key somewhere and let him know where - just in case he ever comes in the night again and you are asleep. Even if he had a key there’s always a chance she could take it etc.

Always thinking about you and hope he finds the strength to leave her for good next time 💜

Can't add anything that hasn't already been said Purple. You know it now, you are his safe space, he knows you're there, morning, noon and night if he needs, with unwavering, unpressured, nurturing love and support. He is so lucky to have you as his mum, and he'll never forget this.

As torturous as it feels, he has to make this choice himself, to make the break properly. I imagine there was very little you could have done differently to have prevented him going again.

It's baby steps. And as baby steps go, they're getting larger and larger.

How exhausted and exasperated you must feel, to have had him so close, and for him to leave again so soon. But as soon as you have the strength, you must report everything that's happened, and again, try to find support for you through specialists in domestic abuse, to help process it all.

You just cannot and must not blame yourself.