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To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

619 replies

PurpleLampShades · 01/11/2023 09:09

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 04/10/2024 08:51

Dear Purple-
I thought of you recently , after being on a train where a foul woman was aggressive to a young man she was with - She was being verbally and physically aggressive- He was being quiet and acquiescent
The whole carriage was appalled-

No one wanted to intervene and have the snarling woman attack them.

Women can indeed be the aggressors in dysfunctional relationships.

Coincidentally I found a link to your later thread last night, and am so sorry that this cruel woman still has a toxic hold over your lovely son.

You have been so strong, and your lovely boy knows beyond doubt that you are there for him.

Hopefully her brainwashing will wear thin as time goes on and he can extricate himself from her malign influence.

I have known women return to men after physical abuse - It’s baffling , but seems much like an addiction, they only quit when they themselves decide that enough is enough.

Your son knows you love him.

I’m another hoping that he wakes up and realises the harm she is doing.

Bless you and your lovely son.
All power to you both.
💜💟

Tasha121 · 04/10/2024 07:42

I only came across this thread last night, but I've read every one of your posts Purple and the entirety of this thread...I'm lost for words. You are the most amazingly strong mother, I have no idea how you're still standing and fighting, but you are and one day, your boy will realise and thank his lucky stars that you never gave up.

I hope he comes back to you soon, I so hope the bruises you saw were a wake up call...I wonder if you thought to take a photo of them whilst he was asleep? It would be documented evidence then that she was very likely to have hurt him, you can't get bruises around your neck by accident!

If not, hopefully you logged what happened with the GP and it will flag if he requires medical treatment again.

Please know there are SO many of us here thinking of you and supporting you

WhatWouldYouDoEh · 27/09/2024 11:08

Another one thinking of your Purple. I've got this post pinned and think of you often. I am keeping everything crossed for you and your lovely son. You are so strong.

CloverHilla · 25/09/2024 16:20

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

HateMyselfToo · 25/09/2024 15:10

Still here Purple.x.

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 25/09/2024 07:02

Like others on this thread, ive been here since the first thread. I think of you often and hope your son is ok and back with you now.

Dancingonaslice · 24/09/2024 22:31

I’m not on MN much anymore but come back occasionally just to check in Purple. I often think of you and your DS and hope desperately he’s away from her and healing back with you. Sending love and wishes for some good news for you both.

SeptemberSunglasses · 24/09/2024 17:32

Me too purple. I've posted a few times on your threads under different names and I hope you're doing OK.x

SuffolkUnicorn · 24/09/2024 17:06

Hope you’re ok purple x

IHateLegDay · 24/09/2024 13:56

Hope the new season brings new joys for you and your family. Think of you often xx

Turniptracker · 15/09/2024 20:56

I think about you all the time OP. I'm so worried for your son, I'm both eager for your updates but also dread them in case something awful has happened. You've handled this whole situation amazingly. I so hope your son comes back to you soon. I hope you are also able to find some small happinesses in your life while this is happening

TheNinny · 08/09/2024 21:03

Was thinking of you today for some reason, hoping things had got better. You know he still loves you and you are his safe place 💕

Sauvblanctime · 08/09/2024 20:43

Thinking of you OP ❤️

CloverHilla · 08/09/2024 10:21

Also just letting you know we're all still here and thinking of you @PurpleLampShades 💜💜💐
No need to respond!

EnglishBluebell · 07/09/2024 19:57

Please let us know you're ok, @PurpleLamp

Battyasfeck · 07/09/2024 10:52

And here. So many of us thinking of you and rooting for you. ❤️❤️❤️

LizzieRose16 · 07/09/2024 07:48

Another one who often thinks of you Purple x

SpinningOutWaitingForYa · 06/09/2024 19:05

Another one who thinks of you and often pops back in the hope you've been able to update with positive news Flowers

Raspberrymoon49 · 28/08/2024 00:55

Another one who thinks of you often and hopes the situation has improved

Gagaandgag · 28/08/2024 00:40

Thinking of you op x

Donenow1 · 27/08/2024 10:04

Message to the OP. I sincerely hope things have improved and that your son is now home. This is my first comment on this thread and I've read all of it but we are all rooting for you and your boy. One thing I would say, Daughter had a mentally abusive boyfriend who lived here with us. My strategy was to keep them close so I could absolutely monitor. Luckily on New Years Day this year she threw him out, we had 3 visits from the Police to help us. She now has a lovely boyfriend (she's 22), and we adore him. They are old school chums. Ex boyfriend stayed locally for a few weeks and then moved up North. Within the last month he moved back down here, we are lucky in that we know a lot of folk and thereby have eyes everywhere.
The day the Ex moved back.
Two security cameras that swivel and follow, with audio and constant recording, plus lights arrived, ordered by me, and put up by me at the front and back of the house. All angles covered, I pay a monthly sub but it's been one of my best buys considering we have had a spate of antisocial behaviour in our village and indeed our local coppers have got some of my footage.
I would strongly advise the OP to get some cameras on aspects of her house, to protect herself and ready for whenever her boy comes back. I did see mention many posts back about pets. It may be prudent for the OP to consider getting a dog, now in my eyes a good dog is not necessarily a "nice" dog. A good dog looks after his Mistress, her house and all within it and warns of folk about. The two things I've mentioned may be worth thinking about considering the behaviour of this woman.

Incakewetrust · 26/08/2024 00:40

Thinking of you Purple. Hope you and your son are ok. Xxx

EnglishBluebell · 15/08/2024 10:46

Hi PurpleLampShades How are you getting on? 💜

Thedogscollar · 12/08/2024 23:16

Thankyou to pp that's exactly why I check in to let her know she is still in our thoughts. It is most definitely not for any drama. It would be lovely to see an update that she has been reconciled with her son.

Many of us have been here since thread 1 Can you say the same@hoarahloux

Dancingonaslice · 10/08/2024 08:30

What a horrible thing to say. Most of us have been around since the first thread and feel enormous empathy and compassion for purple and want her to feel supported in what has been a terribly lonely distressing time for her.

i wouldn’t care if she gives no details in any updates but if she ever wants to look at the thread and see people still care from afar then I’ll keep checking in.

this has been an almost exclusively kind and supportive set of long running threads so pls don’t make it anything else.

think of you and your boy so often purple.