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To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

619 replies

PurpleLampShades · 01/11/2023 09:09

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

OP posts:
Dancingonaslice · 09/12/2024 09:52

I still think of you and your boy often too purple. I have sons and my heart goes out to you. I so badly hope you have had at least some contact with him. Xmas must be extra painful. Pls know everyone in this thread cares and wishes you some peace in this horrible situation.

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 09/12/2024 06:48

as always, thinking of you and your son and hoping that things have improved. I hope you are doing well too.

SassK · 09/12/2024 06:48

I have this thread saved, because I'm sure @PurpleLampShadess' son will return home at some point. I think it's 2 years since her first thread, and 2 years is often a make or break point in relationships. Hopefully her next update is to tell us he's home, and she's been occupied supporting him back to a good place 🤞💫

PandaChopChop · 02/12/2024 11:08

Been thinking of you and your son @PurpleLampShades xx

Banrion · 30/11/2024 20:32

Thinking of you xx and hoping things have improved x

Imisscoffee2021 · 22/11/2024 07:27

@PurpleLampShades often think of you, especially nearing christmas season. Hope things are getting better for you and your son.

Thedogscollar · 22/11/2024 06:53

@PurpleLampShades Thinking of you and hoping you are doing OK.

Sakurai · 20/11/2024 22:31

EnglishBluebell · 20/11/2024 22:27

Really? I didn't know that. I have concerns for my DD's paternal grandmother's wellbeing, so I'll explore this, thank you! 🙏

Edited

If she is considered vulnerable because of her age, I think they should definitely have support available. Good luck 👍

EnglishBluebell · 20/11/2024 22:27

Sakurai · 20/11/2024 22:13

New to this sad story but really wanted to send my love, support and best wishes.

My Council employer has a safeguarding line for children and for adults - could your local Council be an avenue to explore? (Apologies if you have already done this.)

Really? I didn't know that. I have concerns for my DD's paternal grandmother's wellbeing, so I'll explore this, thank you! 🙏

Sakurai · 20/11/2024 22:13

New to this sad story but really wanted to send my love, support and best wishes.

My Council employer has a safeguarding line for children and for adults - could your local Council be an avenue to explore? (Apologies if you have already done this.)

EnglishBluebell · 20/11/2024 21:16

I've never been more touched by a thread than this one. My heart hurts when I think of what OP must be going through.
If you're reading this @Purple, even if it's not until 10 years in the future, please please just let us know you're ok, even if that's all you can bring yourself to say.... “I’m ok” is all we need 🤍
I realise you never implied you were in any way at risk yourself, but you know...

Apolloneuro · 17/11/2024 23:36

I hope things have improved as well@PurpleLampShades

longleggitybeastie · 14/11/2024 23:53

Always hoping for a positive update @PurpleLampShades.

Thinking of you and your boy 💜

JohnSt1 · 11/11/2024 06:26

Nothing useful to add OP, but that I am in awe of you. ❤️

It must be unbearable, but you're still fighting for your little boy.

IHateLegDay · 11/11/2024 00:35

Hi Purple,
I think about you and your son often and wonder how you're both doing.
I really hope that he's left her and is back with you. If not, I hope he will be soon.
Sending love always x

Justalittlebitfurther · 03/11/2024 12:46

Thinking of you @PurpleLampShades and hoping you are both ok

JWhipple · 26/10/2024 22:46

PurpleLampShades · 02/07/2024 21:18

Oh thank you everyone. I didn’t realise quite how much I needed someone to say how I did things was ok. Bit emotional again now. But feeling better about it. It is a positive that he came here, absolutely. I don’t really know what he’s doing with his time as I’ve not really managed to get to speak to him about that. I really hope you are right that this might be the beginning of the end for their relationship, if you can call it that. Thanks again.

I know you've done so much already but I really think Claire's Law is a good idea

Really hoping things are getting better.

SpinningOutWaitingForYa · 26/10/2024 22:36

💜

Christmaschildcare · 16/10/2024 17:34

@PurpleLampShades another one sending you love and solidarity x

Battyasfeck · 05/10/2024 15:18

@PurpleLampShades Like many posters here, I think about you often. I’m really hoping no news is good news and things have taken a significant turn for the better. ❤️

oakleaffy · 05/10/2024 14:16

EnglishBluebell · 04/10/2024 23:26

Really worried about Purple now. I hope she's just busy spending time with her boy. 💜

It’s concerning how the authorities can do nothing to help unless the victim of coercive control actually wants help.

I had a lovely female friend who was routinely beaten up ( stitches needed &c)
She left numerous times and had a gap of years but he got back in contact with her and she had a baby that was born this time rather than terminated.

Haven’t seen her for years- No trace of her online.

Seems that these controlling abusers have such a hold over their victim.

Friend kept saying “ But I love him” even through tears and obvious injuries.

It’s a huge issue if vulnerable person is in the thrall of an abuser.

EnglishBluebell · 04/10/2024 23:26

Really worried about Purple now. I hope she's just busy spending time with her boy. 💜

oakleaffy · 04/10/2024 12:31

@Tasha121 Absolutely true.
Was speaking with woman on train about controlling violent women in relationships- She agreed it’s much more swept under the radar, and not taken as seriously when the woman is the aggressor.
Speaking to your sons early on and modelling healthy relationships sounds ideal.

But as Purple found out- anyone is vulnerable to mind control.

Just watch Derren Brown’s videos- it’s alarming how it can happen.

Tasha121 · 04/10/2024 09:31

oakleaffy · 04/10/2024 09:07

I felt tears prickle my eyes reading the injuries to Purple’s son.

For the ambulance to not have allowed this awful woman into the vehicle with Purple’s son speaks volumes.

They are probably pretty good at sussing things out in domestic abuse situations.

Violence towards men from women isn’t as acknowledged as much by society , unfortunately- but it goes on.

The violence I witnessed on a train recently by a woman to a young man she was in a relationship with was obviously a case in point.

Me too @oakleaffy, I found thread 1 at about 11pm and was up reading until past 1am, I couldn't sleep for thinking about it all.

It's truly awful how lost older teenagers are in the system in this kind of situation, and it's the age when they just forming first real relationships too, without the proper understanding of what's normal and what isn't!

My boys are only 4 and 11 months, but the thought of this happening to them is terrifying 😢 I said to my husband this morning, as soon as they hit puberty, we need to be talking to them about what healthy relationships look like, and if someone starts to isolate you etc, you come and tell us straight away.

As many wise people on here have said, the only real thing you can do as parents is to let them know there is nothing they can't talk to you about, you will never judge them, they're always safe to come home etc...

The agony that comes through from Purple is heartbreaking, I wish I knew her to give her a hug! Two years on in this horrifying situation and now her precious child is being physically hurt by this awful woman...I honestly think I've have gone round there and killed her with my bare hands

oakleaffy · 04/10/2024 09:07

Tasha121 · 04/10/2024 07:42

I only came across this thread last night, but I've read every one of your posts Purple and the entirety of this thread...I'm lost for words. You are the most amazingly strong mother, I have no idea how you're still standing and fighting, but you are and one day, your boy will realise and thank his lucky stars that you never gave up.

I hope he comes back to you soon, I so hope the bruises you saw were a wake up call...I wonder if you thought to take a photo of them whilst he was asleep? It would be documented evidence then that she was very likely to have hurt him, you can't get bruises around your neck by accident!

If not, hopefully you logged what happened with the GP and it will flag if he requires medical treatment again.

Please know there are SO many of us here thinking of you and supporting you

I felt tears prickle my eyes reading the injuries to Purple’s son.

For the ambulance to not have allowed this awful woman into the vehicle with Purple’s son speaks volumes.

They are probably pretty good at sussing things out in domestic abuse situations.

Violence towards men from women isn’t as acknowledged as much by society , unfortunately- but it goes on.

The violence I witnessed on a train recently by a woman to a young man she was in a relationship with was obviously a case in point.