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Original poster

To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

619 replies

PurpleLampShades · 01/11/2023 09:09

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

OP posts:
BritneyBookClubPresident · 02/11/2023 22:40

No advice but you clearly love him & I hope he ends the relationship soon Flowers

notapizzaeater · 02/11/2023 17:45

It's heartbreaking that he won't engage (but he won't feel he's being abused) so until then you've just got to try and keep in contact so he knows he can come home at any time. Did you send another phone into college via his friend or decide it was too risky ?

Justalittlebitfurther · 02/11/2023 17:32

I’m sorry you haven’t made any progress and feel like he is slipping away. I know it must be so incredibly hard for you. I hope MN continues to be in some way helpful. We are all thinking of you @PurpleLampShades 💐

AproposofEverything · 02/11/2023 17:23

I was here on the earlier threads, too, under a different name. Just to let you know that I’m also thinking about you and your son.

BastardtheCat · 02/11/2023 08:29

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Have you read both of the other threads? Your flippant comment is unhelpful. This is a tortuous situation for the OP and she's tried everything.

@PurpleLampShades my heart goes out to you.

Banrion · 02/11/2023 02:01

OP I read all of your second thread. It's shocking and so sad the situation continues to this day. I don't have advice. I really feel for you. It's so hard for you to make any attempt to enjoy your life when something like this is hanging over you. I hope the situation improves soon.

scaredofff · 02/11/2023 00:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Hickry · 02/11/2023 00:15

Ask college too to put resources up in common areas. Toilet doors, classroom walls, çorridors etc. There's some great posters you can get that can be displayed for students to raise awareness.

Hickry · 02/11/2023 00:13

Sending hugs PurpleLampShades. I'm sorry he's still there. 😔

As he's still attending college, I'd try and focus on that avenue.

Do his college offer any resources out in tutor group sessions? Eg maybe handing out a flier to EVERY student In the group about the cycle of abuse in relationships. And info on helplines etc. Even if he bins it as he leaves the classroom he will have seen it and taken it in. Little crumbs of knowledge to filter into his brain about abauive relationship dynamics.

I'd also maybe consider doing another impromptu drop in to college. If his attendance is patchy maybe you could check with a member of staff if he's in that day and then go in as you did before.

Just see him, tell him you love him, etc. Maybe you could take him some of his favourite sweet or snack, something he can enjoy during college time and not need to take home with him.

I think it must be so hard as a mother to just "accept" the situation. But it's not accepting it, it's acknowledging that that's the space he's in right now and he's not ready to change it yet sadly. And then taking as much care as yourself as you can too in the meantime.

justwatchingtelly · 01/11/2023 20:53

I'm so sorry for you and your son

SkyFullofStars1975 · 01/11/2023 19:36

I was on your other threads OP under another name, and I'm so sad that nothing has improved.

I think that all you can do is wait for him to come back to you. Maybe start writing him a letter each week and keep it in a box, so you can prove that you were still very much thinking about him and missing him if he ever says that you weren't getting in touch?

Her family/friends must be just as bewildered by all of this as you are. It's downright weird.

OldTinHat · 01/11/2023 19:23

I'm sorry to hear this OP. I think I posted on one of your earlier threads.

My son is in the same situation but he's 23 now and I've not seen or heard from him in 4yrs. Older woman, etc, etc. I've no idea where he's living. He's at uni and I've contacted them but they won't help, they just offer to 'pass a message on' .

Just wanted to send you a hand hold.

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 01/11/2023 18:50

Im so sorry this is still going on for your son and you. Could you go to college again to see him? Try to organise something with their leadership team?

LakeTiticaca · 01/11/2023 14:22

Omg poor you, and your poor son. Is their a possibility you could meet him at his college and talk to him?
Would he listen or is he too scared?

Dwrcegin · 01/11/2023 13:47

I'm so sorry this is still going on OP. Hopefully as time goes on he can break free of her. I find her level of control staggering and its frightening that even the police/social services can do nothing to help.

Please take care of yourself Flowers

lbnblbnb · 01/11/2023 11:38

I just wanted to say I am so glad you have started another thread and I am sending my absolute best wishes and support. He does know, on some level, that you are doing your best for him, I am sure. A dreadful, frightening situation. Please keep posting, even if you don’t have any ‘news’, so we can support.

7catsisnotenough · 01/11/2023 09:18

Hi @PurpleLampShades, hand hold from me. I shared my story on one of your earlier threads. Stay strong, keep up with the texts and stay in touch with his friends. It's a devastating experience but you're doing everything you possibly can. Look after yourself, it takes an enormous toll physically and mentally so please take time out to heal and recover when you can.
Sending you strength and hugs, you will get through this I promise you x

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 01/11/2023 09:13

I wasn’t able to add the link to this thread in the second one so I’ve copied my most recent post to here.

There is no real update. No contact since I saw him at college. I was umming and ahhhing over putting a little note through their door asking if they’d like to go out somewhere for Sunday lunch at some point but I didn’t in the end because it may have caused problems for him. I know he is still going to college but his attendance has already dropped a bit.

From what I’ve heard from my little gang of watchers she is in a love bombing phase at the moment. She’s been driving him to and from college, bought him new clothes, trainers and phone (though apparently she’s also gone through it and deleted all female contacts, some of his male friends names also and put some controls on it, so he basically has her number and one or two others and can access what she’s allowed him to have, I wouldn’t be surprised if she has put a tracker on it too), been cooking and taking him out for meals etc. Quite what has happened prior to that to instigate this phase I don’t know. As I understand it, love bombing tends to happen after something bad doesn’t it? I torture myself thinking about things like that.

I’m really starting to think I’m not going to see him again. I just don’t know what else there is I can do? Where do I go from here? I spoke to a couple of charities and they’ve given advice, some of which I’ve already tried, some of which I can’t do if I don’t actually have any contact with him. I phoned and spoke to SS again, but they said the usual.

It was my birthday last week and I didn’t get a card. Last year he hand delivered a card. This year, nothing. I want to believe it’s because of her and not because he couldn’t be bothered. I think it’s over a year now, since I started my first thread. A year later and the second is full, and no positive progress to speak of. Do I need to start trying to accept this is how things are now? That I’ve lost him and just have to hope that one day he’ll come back?

OP posts: