To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

Purple, I don't think there's any way you can win on this. If you give him the money you can guarantee the gf will find out it's from you and be ad with your poor boy for contacting you. If you don't give it to him, she will also find that out and use it to tell him it proves you don't care. She has him totally in her grip. Are you still seeing a counsellor? Do they have any suggestions? It must be so upsetting seeing him look ill. What about offering a % of the money on condition they both have lunch with you once a month for 3 months? That way he wouldn't have to try to keep a secret from her and hopefully seeing you both together might show your love / her control. I have no idea of the best way to do this but I think of you, and hope your boy finally breaks free and goes home to you.

Sending hugs from one purple to another

Just sending hugs.

I feel like a failure because I can't give you any helpful advice.

Hold on that one day he will realise and recognise the abuse and leave.

Hi@PurpleLampShades I've been here since your 1st thread. I'm so sad you are still dealing with this nightmare.

Like @WavyLines11 said I'd give half the money as I can honestly see this being repeated. Like others I really would mot be surprised if she was sitting round the corner waiting on him to come out.

How can she expect such an expensive gift from a teenager with no job? She knows exactly what she's doing. So manipulative.

You could say you just haven't got that sort of money right now but run the risk of that being taken out on your son. It's such a shit situation all round. I'd give half and see how often you see him after that.

My heart goes out to you. I'm glad you are still seeing your counsellor and can talk through your feelings with them. We are all still here for you Purple. ❤️

You've done all you can to protect your son and seem to have been thwarted at every turn. Sooner or later he is going to have to stand on his own two feet, and you have to let go and let him make the errors he will inevitably make. Sadly his first big mistake is getting involved with this nut job. He considers himself "grown up" enough to leave home and live with this woman. If he can only afford a modest birthday present for her, then that what he should buy her, not scrounge off his old mum. She's manipulating him, and using him to manipulate you. If you sub this birthday present, what else are you going to have to sub? I'd let them get on with it. Will he be so attractive to her when she can't wind you up over him?

I'm also suspicious that he managed to come to see you without her knowledge, seems very unlikely as she is so controlling.

If I could afford it I would give him half the amount he has asked for then wait and see what happens next ie whether he makes efforts to keep in touch with you.

I'm not sure if you should give him the money or not but I possibly would wonder if you would have lent him the money if he was 17 and wanted to spend £300 for a weekend with his 17 year old girlfriend.

If it is something you would have done before then yes lend him the money. If you wouldn't have given the money then don't. Stay true to yourself as a mum and don't let her (or him) control you.

Agree with the previous posters that it's interesting that he's managed to come to you asking for money for her birthday but can't possibly pop a card in for yours.

X

No way would I give him the money.

I'm afraid you are being emotionally blackmailed by a son who refuses all contact with you EXCEPT when he wants money.

I've followed this from the beginning, you need to start practicing tough love.

Say he will always have a home to return to but that you are no longer prepared to be a pawn in his toxic relationship.

Enough.

What a heartbreaking situation. I'd give him the money.

I think the GF has likely convinced him to ask for the money. It does seem unusual that she controls a lot of his life yet was able to come around to ask for money which will benefit her.

I wouldn't give him the money. I would offer a smaller amount and explain you simply cannot afford any more right now. I would also be asking the hard questions you worry about. After all this time of fighting his corner, showing love and concern, this move from him seems like a low blow I bet.

He needs to know you love and care for him, but equally that you are not there to be maniuplauted financially when it suits. He's already been away for a long time, he can't drift any futher. Ask the questions OP. You can take back some control from this.

Whatever you do, I wish you well OP. This has been awful to witness on here, the sheer abuse towards your DS by this women is sickening.

I’d not give him money, at all, while he’s living with the woman.

@Sauvblanctime

I agree sadly

OP I don't know if you should give him money or not... but I do think if you give him money it can't be with the conditions of a weekly coffee etc. She will absolutely use this against you and claim you are controlling & the abuser. I also think if you lend/give money for her birthday it's setting a precedent that it happens again for her Christmas gift.

Perhaps as a compromise you could say that you can't afford to lend him money for a weekend away but you could lend him money for a lovely supermarket shop so he can make her favourite dinner it get her w takeaway?

She really is awful. If she cared about him she would just want him to spend time with her. It's also very concerning that when he is 18 he may feel pressured to run up debt to pay towards things for her house of her

I really hope he is realising how awful this relationship is with her

I'd give him the money. I wouldn't place conditions on the money, this can be interpreted as controlling.

I would, however, comment that you'd have been overjoyed with a card or call from him on your birthday.

Sauvblanctime · Today 21:15

also as well the more I think about it.
she tracks his every movement, every movement. Yet he manages to come to yours without her knowing to ask for money so they can go away for her bday?

im willing to bet she’s driven him round, told him to ask you and if you say no it’s because you’re ‘controlling’

Agree

I’d give him some money but not all. I’d worry she will kick off if he has more money than expected then finds out he has come to see you?

im so sorry that you are still no further forward :-( I’ve been here since the beginning and I’m so shocked this is still the situation x

also as well the more I think about it.
she tracks his every movement, every movement. Yet he manages to come to yours without her knowing to ask for money so they can go away for her bday?

im willing to bet she’s driven him round, told him to ask you and if you say no it’s because you’re ‘controlling’

Your son is between the devil and the deep blue sea here.
She has basically set him up to fail.
If he doesn't give her what she says she wants because he hasn't managed to 'save' enough then she'll say that he doesn't care enough and doesn't love her. If he borrows from you and pays for this holiday she'll badger him until he confesses where he got the money from. Then she'll be able to say that he doesn't love her enough to save money for her birthday present and that he's selfish to have spent money on himself and not her. Then she'll probably get really mad at him for going to you for money. She can then lay the blame for 'ruining' her birthday squarely at his door there by piling on more guilt and thus increasing control further. Here's the thing - she controls him and I would guess that she knows exactly how much money that he has/doesn't have and she knows that he can't possibly be able to save enough to pay for a weekend away.

So, where does that place you?

If you don't give him the money you risk opening up the fissure in your relationship even further. She'll be able to say that you don't care about her or want to hurt her feelings and how can she possibly trust you to like her when you won't give your son the money he needs to make her 'happy'? It puts doubt in his mind again about you thus further increasing her grip.

If you give him the money she will know that he's come to you for it or she will badger until he confesses that YOU have paid for her birthday treat. She will then probably declare that she can't possibly enjoy the gift from your son and her birthday will be in ruins. He will feel guilty, mortified, panicky etc and thus her control gets increased/cemented further because he will want to make amends. She may make him hand back every penny leaving him further short of funds which, of course, increases her grip further.

In your shoes I probably wouldn't give him the money. I would, if I could afford it, increase his monthly allowance but I would do this quietly without any announcement. This has two advantages - it shows quiet understanding on your part of his difficulties plus it reduces her arguments of "look how much you cost me" etc plus she has no valid complaint because no one asked for an increase as it is given freely WITHOUT strings. Your son will remember this. It is entirely possible that she has engineered this to 'encourage' an offer to increase his allowance and by doing it without request or comment you are showing that you care for him - she will hate that but what valid argument could she have without looking so batshit that it reduces her control?

I wonder if you could lend him/give him the money and when he comes to collect it, try and have a quick talk with him to say something along the lines of 'you know I'm always here for you, but the way you're living is worrying me so much. Nobody should be scared of the person they're living with, or be scared of seeing their friends and family, and you just don't look happy at the minute and you haven't looked happy for so long'

It's not going to make him leave her, but it may help him to hear the words spoken out loud and it may plant a seed which, in his heart, he recognises to be true.

There's no magic wand here and no magic words to make him come to his senses. He's young and she's trading on that.

But this is something that he's going to realise gradually - and he will! - and that he'll struggle to understand.

But if he knows that you're there for him, it'll make it easier when he does realise.

Sorry to sound so negative, I've followed all 3 threads and my heart goes out to you, but I really do feel he is being manipulative, no doubt orchestrated by her but we are at the point where he has to take some responsibility for his behaviour. Despite being fully aware of how shattering this has been for you, he has repeatedly broken all promises to keep in touch yet somehow finds a way to see you when he wants money. Do not play into his/her hands xx

I have thought about this since you posted earlier because I don’t honestly know what the best answer is.

where I have arrived is that I would give him the money, I think if you don’t then it will push him even further away. I do think it’s a positive that he feels he can still come to you so he does see you as safe and I would try and keep it that way.

i don’t think you should add any conditions to it so don’t say you can have it as long as you meet me every week etc. but I do think you should reiterate that you miss him and would really like if you could meet up for a coffee or something similar (whatever you think he will go for) maybe just a ‘I love you and miss you and would absolutely love it if we could have a catch up over a brew, I can meet you whenever is best for you or you’re welcome here as you always are, please know that I will always be here for you’

I know in a normal situation you wouldn’t give him money like this and I know that you really don’t want the money benefitting her but I think to keep any connection with your son then you have to.

i truly hope this hell is over soon and that your relationship with your son is back to where it was

Agree

You wanted someone to do something, why can't it be you? Confront him about being slapped around? Ask him if that's ok with him? Ask him some really hard questions. You are still the parent here. I think you just need to leave him to make his own mistakes. Wish him well, tell him you're there if he chooses to leave but you won't be in the middle of this toxic relationship. What do you have to lose? He has already left in any case.

Honestly why are you even entertaining this from him. At the point he asked you for a loan, did you not sit down and ask him if he thinks this is what his life should be ? Ask him some really hard questions where he can't duck and dive from the truth? You are so scared of losing him, but it seems like he doesn't care anyway ? I wouldn't pander and lend him the money. Once you do, then that's opened the door for more manipulation from him.

I think this @PurpleLampShades. Be the person he can come to. Let him feel safe and supported by you. Don’t put conditions on it just support him. I’d even suggest if he needs more money that you will make it available but he’ll have to come and get it from you. Keep some cash in the house and give it to him (depending on what it’s for) there and then. This might keep lines of communication open and reiterates the message that he can depend on you.

@PurpleLampShades Which one is safer for him do you think?

I would say giving him the money is safest for him.

If he looked unwell when you saw him, the situation must be really worrying him and if he's risked coming to your house to ask you, he may be pretty desperate.

We all know the rights and the wrongs of this whole mess but to be honest, if this was my 17 year old child, I would give them the money - I wouldn't like it, but I'd do it.

If you don't give him the money, I don't think it's going to change his mind about leaving her and that he'll just come home again .... and is it going to make things worse for him?

I don't think he's going to be thinking straight when he's so anxious (not that he's thinking straight anyway!!) but he's come to you because he knows you're on his side

It's such an impossible situation and who knows what the 'right' thing to do is? - just look at all the different responses here.

All you can do is trust your heart ........ but this may be the first step in him realising that he can't go on living like this.