To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

Pleased you got to speak to him today.

I'm regard to the key, could you get a key safe fitted, safer than just hiding a key.

I’ve been following your story since 2022, OP. So desperately sad. I hope your son comes back to you.

I was thinking of all the most outlandish things that would get this woman away from him. Including setting up a professional escort/honeytrap to seduce her away so she’d leave him. Crazy thoughts … I’m wishing you every ounce of luck and love.

I suppose there's one thing this has shown you. When she isn't breathing down his neck and he gets time to be away from her, he does still want to reach out to you. He must be all too aware that he can't financially give her what a man her own age could because he just doesn't have the resources. And the less he can satisfy her financially, the less appealing he is going to be to her. The imbalance here is enormous and it's incredibly unlikely to last a lot longer. The desire to want to be free again and not bogged down in this situation will eventually bring him home.

I just wanted to say that I'm still here too. I can feel the love you have for your boy in your words, and I'm sure he could feel exactly the same when he spoke to you on the phone today - if only you could have reached down the phone and just pulled him to you. It's promising that he called you today, he was clearly sad and upset and needed his Mum, and you've done really well at ensuring he knows he can always come to you, that you will always love him, no matter what. One thing I say to my girls is that I love them forever, and that they, and no one else can ever stop me, and it's very clear from what you write that you feel the same about your boy - and more importantly, he knows this too.

What you're going through with your son is hell, but you are doing everything you can, and I have so much hope that he will come back to you properly one day soon.

Oh Purple my heart aches for you and him.

I am so, so sad he used reverse call charges today to call you. I'm glad you suggested this to him and he remembered and used it when he felt it was safe to. Yes he's probably done a fair bit of cleaning today but he's also recognised it as an opportunity to reach out to you while she was busy for the day and that's huge.

You were right not to give him money, to talk to him about love and presents, and to not drive round there. You're doing the best you can in a very shitty situation.

I'd not go round there unannounced (or at all unless he asks you to). There could be a video doorbell, or CCTV, or even a nosy neighbour that's sympathies are to her not him. It's just not worth the risk.

The day I fled an abusive partner I'd planned it with women's aid, went during the day while he was at work, told no one, and found out months later he had a neighbour watching my movements who'd been watching me that day too. I'd lived there years and had no clue. If the neighbour had called or text him that day as he watched me load my clothes into a friend's car I dread to think what could have happened. So play it safe regarding their address is my advice.

I'd call in during college times and ask a tutor to pull him out of a lesson on the premise of admin need him or something. Quick five minute chat, "I love you and wanted to quickly say hi as I was passing, have this snack I know you love, call me or drop in anytime as I'll always be there for you".

It must be heartbreaking but hang in there.

Another who has been quietly following since the beginning here.

Hes contacted you more this week or so than he has in the last year. This speaks volumes. He will come back to you I'm sure. Now is the time to box clever though. Whenever you speak to him, keep reiterating that he sounds unhappy, and if he ever wants to come home, he will always be welcome no matter what. Leave a spare key somewhere hidden but accessible to him as no doubt he doesnt have his any more. You have no idea what poison she's been dripping in his ear about you. Keep reiterating that message.

I know you tried to see him at college and that backfired as she calls him at break times. Could you ask to be contacted by the college on a day he's in and go and see him during lesson time so you can actually talk to him whilst he's safe to do so?

I'd go round.

Offer to bring him home.

He night come with you, he might not, (be gracious if it's a no) but he'll know you're prepared to come and get him and he only needs to ring you and say 'yes' to make it happen.

oh wow, that is a turn. Well done OP for standing strong. As others have said he is coming to terms on his own and that is all he can do. Stay strong, remind him you are a safe space and keep reminding him.

I think it sounds as though his infatuation is wearing off, @PurpleLampShades.

Maybe now is the time to keep reminding him that he is always welcome back, with no recriminations, if/when he feels it would be best for him to do that. It may also be worth considering letting him know that you wonder if he is truly happy, and if he feels confused about what he wants, maybe offer to pay for counselling for him so that he has someone to help him work things out.

I think I would stick with saying next time you speak ‘there’s never any pressure from here. I’m worried about you and support you. You can come home anytime you like.’ Maybe tell him where a key is? I’m assuming he doesn’t have one. Reverse charges sounds like he has no access to money or a phone.

Interesting that he is strongly insinuating (to me anyway) that she ripped up the card he'd got for OP. Cards don't just "get ripped".

Do not get her a gift or card. Don’t help him clean either!

I agree with the above posters, I’ve been reading these updates for a while and I think you’ve handled what is a parents worst nightmare so well in such difficult circumstances. I think he is slowly realising that the glimmer is fading from her and his more frequent contact with you the last few weeks shows he knows you are a stable, safe space.

Hold strong.... a crisis is coming... he knows you love him.. he knows you are his safe space.
Hold your nerve.. you can do this. x

I think you are handling this brilliantly, op

I've been reading for a while, but I never felt I had anything useful to say

But it seems to me from your update that the scales are falling from his eyes, finally. ..don't give more money...let this venal, tawdry witchvcontinue treating him like rubbish and he will come home

I really feel for you xx

As already said, this next bit needs to come from him. He is starting to see the flaws in this relationship, as hard as it is, giving him money will just paper over the cracks. It needs to fall apart for him to make the step he needs to make. I really think giving in now will be a mistake. He isn't quite ready to leave her yet. If you give him money now there will either be further requests or the contact will drop again for months. He clearly now sees that this isn't working for him. He needs to experience this, not be bailed out so he can just go back in denial.

It sounds like you are handling it really well and it is good that he knew he could go to you.

Dont go to his place. If you do that the his focus becomes you and his anxiety about her coming home and finding you there. Him being alone and cleaning while she is out, will give him time to reflect on the pat year and how she treats him. Hopefully helping him to realise that she treats him badly and you are the one he knows he can always rely on.

I think it’s pretty huge that he called you reverse charges. He really wanted to speak to you. Even though you refused to give him the money. He’s definitely reaching out. He’s taking risks to speak to you.

This sounds like doubts are starting to creep in for him. He needs to get there himself in his own mind and it does seem like pieces are falling into place for him.
Stay strong OP. He'll get there but he has to get there himself sadly.

The positives are that the things you have been doing to help safeguard him are working - he remembered the reverse phone call charges to be able to speak to you.

He wanted you to know know he didn't forget your birthday and this shows when she isn't nearby he can do something different. Very important information that when he gets some head space he can make other choices.

I am a bit unsure about the story of the friend, she seems to keep him under too close surveillance to maintain any friendships but if there is someone then there may be more chances for him to have time to think - which she doesn't sound like she usually gives. If there is no friend then its a way of punishing him isn't it. Except this one backfired because instead of wishing he was with her he took the chance to speak to you.

I think you have handled things very well - allowing him to speak, not telling him he is wrong and needs to get out its unlikely he would respond if he is still caught in the story by the sound of it. You could start to name the dynamic a bit - so when you offered to go round and he said no you could try talking with him about "the problem of he and you talking being misunderstood and how can you work together to prevent there being a problem by GF misunderstanding" - this way he doesn't feel the need to jump to defend her or pull away from you because you are telling him he needs to do something different. Its a way of joining together against the problem.

Please keep a diary of these incidents, dates, times and what is said. It may be useful in the future.

Do you have any contacts with someone in a domestic abuse agency ? I think it would be helpful for you to have some advice/support/guidance from a specialist who understands the situation you are dealing with. They usually have help lines and some have workers with a particular focus on males.

@Sauvblanctime so am I. I hope everything's okay @PurpleLampShades.

Me too ...

I am refreshing like mad for an update 🫣🫣

This sounds like the one chance you have had for a while to talk to him without the risk she will barge in. Take a bottle or a present so you have an excuse and just tell your boy you'd like a cup of coffee with him in his home as your birthday present. Then tell him how much you miss him and love him and that life doesn't have to be this miserable. His bed and home is waiting for him.