To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

I was sad to read your update, Purple, and it must be such a worry for you. It must make you feel so powerless and anxious for him.

I really hope he comes to his senses soon.

He's nearly 18, you can't force someone to do that against their will! The OP can't even get a call from college without his permission.

You can't force someone not to be in a relationship not matter how good the intention, he's making that choice to be there and if he didn't want to be he knows full well he can come back to his mums. At that age I'd have been even more adamant that I was staying in the relationship if my parent tried to kidnap me and make them choices on my behalf.

I too wondered if she had her eye on his trust money. I remember you saying he couldn't access it until he was 25, which I know is quite some time away, but it had crossed my mind.

Someone mentioned a private investigator, it's worth thinking about even just to look into her background.

@PurpleLampShades how utterly tragic for you and your Ds, so sorry and sending lots of love.

is it time to do something really extreme to save him, a hands on intervention, like in the movies?! All the standard official routes that you have tried to take don’t seem to be working and neither do the personal ones.

fake kidnapping type scenario to get him away from her? Do you have any friends or family who live at the other end of the country who could take him in for a few weeks or you go and stay with him somewhere far away for a while?

it just sounds like he’s in a very abusive and possibly physically abusive relationship, and if nobody else is willing to do anything about it, you can resort to finding other ways. I’d try speaking to a private investigator or security firm to see if they can help you to get him away from her.

you mentioned a trust? Is she expecting him to come into a lot of money when he’s 18? That would explain a lot!

I’m sorry things have gone quiet again.

Did you invite them for Christmas this year? I know you’re loathe to after last year but it’s an excuse to contact him if nothing else.

Hold tight Purple, I really do hope that he makes contact at Christmas.

It's still mind boggling, she is getting closer and closer to 30 but chooses to have a relationship with a teenager. I know back thread you mentioned she has no contact with her family. Do you know anyone who could point you in their direction? I wonder if she has done this before?

It could open a very interesting can of worms. Might be worth a bit of investigating, you never know, they might support you in your concerns for him?

Take care, keep us updated xxx

Im sorry purple that things have taken a step back again, but I am so glad you stuck to your guns and didnt give the money and said what you did. He knows you are there for him.

Oh how sad. I do hope he contacts you soon.

I had a perforated ear drum years ago from a terrible infection. It took about 8 weeks to heal.

I hope for everyone's sake that it wasn't caused maliciously

Symptoms of a perforated eardrum usually start suddenly after an:

• ear infection
• injury (such as getting hit on your ear)
• loud noise
• sudden change in air pressure (such as flying on a plane)

the second one is concerning

Oh bless you. Do you think she’s found out he contacted you? Or maybe she’s punished him because he didn’t pay for a weekend away?
can you ask college if you can go in and see him anyway?

I keep waiting for the update, I hope he’s been in touch this week ❤️

Hi OP, I’ve been thinking of you and only just seen your made a third thread.

It sounds horrible to say but it’s almost progress that he’s clearly upset by her and it sounds like he’s starting to see through her, plus you being the person he comes to for help.

I really hope things have been okay the last week or so, will keep thinking of you and your DS

I’ve only just found this thread purple having replied under a different name on your previous ones.

Im so sorry you are in such turmoil and that your DS is clearly distressed.

I think on balance you have to let it play out and just be there with open arms but also the odd bit of honesty when he chooses to get in contact. Which is exactly what you have done.

He has proved he can phone you or come round if he needs to and I’m sure showing you are aren’t at all passive about all this and are hurt and desperate to be in touch with him was a good wake up call about the reality of what is going on. I’m glad you didn’t give him the money.

Just be there, reiterate this is a painful to watch but you remain ready to support him or welcome him back when he is ready to leave.

sending strength.

Whenever you speak to him just keep reassuring him he can always come home and he will always have a place there and if he ever needs you to collect him you will.
Hopefully he is beginning to see the light. Deep down he must know this isn't how it's supposed to be.
At what age would he get control of the money from his dad's estate or will it always be for you to control?
Could she be holding on so tight to get hold of the money? X

Op

It's definitely starting to unravel and you being supportive and understanding is going to bring him back.

This won't last

Big hug to you strong mum xxx

Just keep doing what you are doing. Listening and being a supportive and non-judgmental ear - it’s very hard, but I remember people judging me and asking why I didn’t “just” leave as if it was that easy and it didn’t help (or conversely making comments like “it can’t be that bad if you are still with him” - no clue at all about DV or coercive control). It made me feel cowardly, weak and pathetic which played into his hands.

Op I am a long time lurker and frequent poster/name changer who made an account just to respond to you. My heart breaks for you, as both a mother of boys and a survivor of domestic abuse and coercive control. I was in your son’s position 14 years ago, my ex was incredibly controlling, he looked through my phone, my emails, opened my mail and would go mad if I ever saw friends or family without him and frequently tried to isolate me from them. He would also drive me to and from work everyday to ensure that I couldn’t go anywhere or see anyone else without him. It was absolutely suffocating and the most miserable time of my life.

Please do not give up hope - you are doing everything right. He is subject to intermittent reinforcement (the cycle of lovebombing and then discard/abuse) - it is incredibly difficult to break free from - I know. It took me 18 months of hell to do so & I am a university educated professional, with an amazing family and postgrad qualifications from Uni of Oxford. I was incredibly lucky - my best friend was in the police force at that time, in the domestic violence unit. She saw straight away that I was being abused and supported me throughout to leave him. But it was exhausting and frustrating for her, seeing me go back and forth, making plans to leave him, followed by (as soon as he got a sniff that I was checking out) intense lovebombing, proposals of marriage etc (as well as threatening to sabotage my contraceptives, so that I would get pregnant and be trapped with a baby) that would make me question what I was doing and back down. Your son will be doing the same, but I promise you he will escape and come back to you. I remember the utter despair and exhaustion I felt trying to get away and realising that that was my life ( it wasn’t). I remember leaving him and finally putting on music that I wanted to listen to and screaming and dancing with joy at the freedom I now had. Stay strong and stay supportive. You are doing a brilliant job and he deep down he knows it, he loves you and he will get away from her.

I've only just come across this, haven't read everything (mostly just your posts/updates), but as a mum of three grown-up boys I just wanted to say how heartbreaking I've found it, and what a great job you're doing OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like you're making him aware that you will always be there for him, but I also think you were right to let him know you were hurt about your birthday, that you are not completely passive - you're human with feelings too. It sounds like that made him think a bit. A big part of him clearly craves the unconditional love that only his mum can provide, he loves you deeply, but he's still trying to live up to being in what he imagines is a 'grown up' relationship.

All you can do is keep your door and your arms open, keep inviting him for food etc, and hopefully he'll literally and figuratively begin to come round.

I read all of your threads last night for the first time, and felt like crying when I reached the end. I’m so sorry that you’re still going through this. And so sorry for your boy.

It seems huge that she feels comfortable enough to leave him home alone for the day. I don’t think this is usual at all? She’s very comfortable in her position of control, but perhaps too comfortable as I doubt it even occurred to her that he would use that opportunity to contact you. She thinks she has him exactly where she wants him, but he’s already testing the electric fence the second her back is turned.

I hope this is the beginning of the tide turning. She is getting sloppy, he is getting that little bit braver.

Hang in there.

Gosh @PurpleLampShades I’m so glad he called you. There is so much hope here. Keep strong 💐

i think you’ve made a hard, but good choice

the veil is slipping, still, don’t give him any money. I would still also stop claiming cb and pass it to her to claim

once she realises she can claim cb for her ‘boyfriend’ she may think twice as well

Oh my goodness @PurpleLampShades your post made me cry. I've been here from the start of your threads and my heart goes out to you.

Mothers are like a lioness with a cub we will protect them to the end. You are just bloody amazing with all you've put up with. I do think great progress has been made in that he called you and told you he hadn't forgotten your birthday.

He most definitely knows how much you love him, we all know, a mothers love is like no other. Hang on in there I hope your son will be back with you soon. Keep posting you have so much support here, we are all rooting for you both.💜

Might college be able to timetable a "catch-up class" or something for you to meet him in? Or hold a phone for him?

One thing to bear in mind, she may have things she knows about him or has made up, or photos of him that she's told him she will tell or show to you and his friends if he doesn't do what she says. That's pretty standard in controlling relationships, threats to make the victim stay compliant. it sounds like he's starting to see it, but explicitly reassuring him that nothing anyone told you could change how much you love him might be another straw on the camels back.

Keep all doors open, so that he knows he can come back at any time. people in abusive relationships are constantly afraid, but knowing that there is a safe place that he can run to when he's ready to escape is really important.