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AIBU?

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To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

619 replies

PurpleLampShades · 01/11/2023 09:09

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

OP posts:
lairyfights9 · 26/01/2024 18:04

I've never commented before as I've never really felt I had anything to add that hasn't been said, but read all your threads and think of you every now and then and hope to come back and see a positive update. I hope you're doing okay (and your son is).

IHateLegDay · 23/01/2024 21:29

Thinking of you Purple xx

Dancingonaslice · 18/01/2024 19:22

Still here and still often thinking of you @PurpleLampShades

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 10/01/2024 18:11

I hope that you see the post from Jennymule and it is something you can consider.

Im sending you all the strength and wishing you a good year - and a positive outcome with your son, minus this awful woman in your and your sons life.

longleggitybeastie · 10/01/2024 16:16

JennyMule · 05/01/2024 19:42

@PurpleLampShades I am sorry if this has been raised before and you've explored/rejected but, if you have access to funds, I'd recommend you seeking legal advice about civil legal potential options relating to ppl over 16 (ie the inherent jurisdiction of the High Court or the Court of Protection.) I am a solicitor and have applied for and obtained court orders to protect vulnerable adults who either lack the mental capacity to make decisions about where they live, contact etc (eg due to learning disability - clearly not applicable here, or MH issues) or who don't have a "medical" basis for lack of capacity but are subject to such coercion that they're unable to make a decision free of the "baleful influence of others " to quote the case law. These types of applications are often made by local authority legal teams on instructions from adult safeguarding social workers but can be made on behalf of family members.

Oh @PurpleLampShades I've just caught up with this thread. Heartbreaking that it's all gone quiet again. You did so well to be firm about the money and to tell him how you really felt and the effect it's been having on you. Him calling you the day she was out really does show that he knows you're there and have his back, regardless. Just wish we could forecast what it will be that finally makes him see the light voluntarily, but am certain when he does, he will be straight to your door, because you've done everything you can to secure that safety net for him. He knows it's there, but sadly it's an agonising wait for him to decide to jump.

I'd really encourage you to follow up on this info from @JennyMule. It makes sense to me, to look from the perspective of how free he is to make his own decisions. I imagine the threshold is very high, but it would certainly be worth looking at in more detail if you can.

PandaChopChop · 10/01/2024 11:40

Just caught up with you @PurpleLampShades I am sorry that things went the other way again. But although it seems one step forward and two steps back, there's always that one step forward.
I hope 2024 brings your son back to you and sending lots of love. Xx

Justalittlebitfurther · 09/01/2024 22:08

Sorry I thought the previous poster wanted people to try and find @PurpleLampShades but on rereading I realise she means the GF. Still not the right thing to do IMO but not the right response from me. Sorry.

ChristmasFullHouse · 09/01/2024 17:59

Justalittlebitfurther · 09/01/2024 17:35

This is a completely inappropriate invasion of privacy - I’m reporting your post.

Wrong thread?

Justalittlebitfurther · 09/01/2024 17:35

This is a completely inappropriate invasion of privacy - I’m reporting your post.

BetrayedAuntie · 09/01/2024 03:54

@PurpleLampShades Please let us know you're ok if you can, OP 🙏

Squiggles23 · 07/01/2024 19:19

I also came across them and it’s absolutely heartbreaking ❤️. I really really hope your son sees the light this year. Your posts are so moving and my heart goes out to you. Any help you need - please say. (Can we go detective on her and try and find out more on her?)

VORE · 07/01/2024 10:22

I can’t help but feel that if the genders were reversed and it was an older male treating a teenage girl like this then social services would be doing a lot more!

Shefliesonherownwings · 05/01/2024 22:16

I’ve just caught up in your threads OP and my heart breaks for you. I can feel your pain and distress through your posts. I also want to find this woman and shake and slap her for what she’s doing to your son. As someone raising two boys, I feel for you. I have to wonder whether SS would be much more concerned, much more keen to intervene and much more supportive to you if the roles were reversed and this was a 17 year old girl and 27/28 year old man. I bet they would be. Hugs.

PointyMcguire · 05/01/2024 21:42

Another that has just stumbled across your threads. Really hoping there’s a positive breakthrough soon 💜

Peekachewy · 05/01/2024 20:47

JennyMule · 05/01/2024 19:42

@PurpleLampShades I am sorry if this has been raised before and you've explored/rejected but, if you have access to funds, I'd recommend you seeking legal advice about civil legal potential options relating to ppl over 16 (ie the inherent jurisdiction of the High Court or the Court of Protection.) I am a solicitor and have applied for and obtained court orders to protect vulnerable adults who either lack the mental capacity to make decisions about where they live, contact etc (eg due to learning disability - clearly not applicable here, or MH issues) or who don't have a "medical" basis for lack of capacity but are subject to such coercion that they're unable to make a decision free of the "baleful influence of others " to quote the case law. These types of applications are often made by local authority legal teams on instructions from adult safeguarding social workers but can be made on behalf of family members.

Op, look into this

AproposofEverything · 05/01/2024 19:42

I so hope this is the year that your son comes home Purple, it’s been very clear all along what a lovely mother you are.

JennyMule · 05/01/2024 19:42

@PurpleLampShades I am sorry if this has been raised before and you've explored/rejected but, if you have access to funds, I'd recommend you seeking legal advice about civil legal potential options relating to ppl over 16 (ie the inherent jurisdiction of the High Court or the Court of Protection.) I am a solicitor and have applied for and obtained court orders to protect vulnerable adults who either lack the mental capacity to make decisions about where they live, contact etc (eg due to learning disability - clearly not applicable here, or MH issues) or who don't have a "medical" basis for lack of capacity but are subject to such coercion that they're unable to make a decision free of the "baleful influence of others " to quote the case law. These types of applications are often made by local authority legal teams on instructions from adult safeguarding social workers but can be made on behalf of family members.

Journeytosober · 05/01/2024 19:20

I have also just come across your threads. I’m so sorry this has happened and I agree, the law does need to be changed.

surreygirl1987 · 05/01/2024 18:44

@PurpleLampShades I have just read through all three of your threads with my heart in my mouth. I am so so sorry you're going through this. You sound like an amazing mother.

I echo what a previous poster has said about hiring a private investigator. Knowldge is power, and you don't yet know what knowledge about her might be useful. Find out about who she interacts with and her movements.

Dibbydoos · 05/01/2024 10:21

It's crazy that at 16yo our children are legally adults, yet if you take out life insurance, you're advised to make the term at least match your child's 25th birthday year and scientifically we know we don't reach full maturity until 25yo.

I'm so sorry @PurpleLampShades. I don't know what else to offer except petition your MP for a change in law and ask the college to carry out welfare checks on him. If there is obvious domestic abuse, the police can and will step in and arrest her. Your son will then get some time to consider what he wants to do.

Hoping he gets out soon.

Sending the best wishes xxx

IHateLegDay · 05/01/2024 09:48

Sending you lots of love Purple. I hope this is the year your son comes home to you.

BliainNua · 01/01/2024 00:10

Happy New Year Purple, hope 2024 brings your DS home to you 💜💜💜

WavyLines11 · 31/12/2023 15:41

Wishing you a peaceful new year purple and I really hope 2024 is a year of change for your situation Flowers

Theoldcuriosityshop · 31/12/2023 14:02

Thinking of you Flowers

SkyFullofStars1975 · 30/12/2023 18:29

Even if you're just reading and not posting, we're all still here right behind you.

Flowers
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