To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

I seem to remember he has a trust fund? Is this financially motivated, do you think?

I am so sorry to read your update. I would agree that social services support at post 16 can appear very hands off, even though legally he’s a child.

Could you get one if those bracelet/ watch things that buzz on your wrist if the phone rings so it would wake you ?Maybe you could change your phone message to something like ‘his name’ I love you please phone me back ‘ in case he listens to it.
I think I would go to a solicitor with a clear list of all the things that have happened so they take you seriously immediately. Don’t give up OP keep fighting ,you are a great mum .

So sorry to hear Purple 💜 it’s so heartbreaking and can’t imagine how hard it is for you. How horrible to only get these calls late at night.

I feel like now he’s left college that’s kind of your ‘worst case’. I am wondering if you could say he either needs to come home or sign up for another college course/employment - anything to get him away from her. I know it’s impossible when she’s there all the time and so controlling and you don’t have the chance to communicate.

Is there anyway you could ‘get him a job’, someone you know that could hire him? Maybe they could reach out directly to him and say they need someone. Something that would be hard for her to refuse for him to do. So could start with offering full time but then agree part time or something.

If it were me I think I would be tempted to stake out the house and wait until she’s gone before trying to speak with him. I think you said he worked before.

The next steps are up to you but there is always a ‘nuclear’ option. If she’s on social media you could gain access to this (even if setting up a false account to be accepted as a friend), then contact people she knows - especially family. Does she rent the house? Could you contact the landlord? Is he on the lease - say you have concerns about violence? Could you try and speak to the neighbours and ask if they’ve heard anything?

Do you know if they have a Ring doorbell or similar? If it doesn’t look as though they do I would park outside and wait until she goes to work / leaves. I guess that’s something a private investigator might help with (routines etc). Then go and see him.

How engaged is he still with his friends from school/college, Purple? Are they still in regular contact with him, or prepared to put themselves out to try and initiate more contact even if they are rebuffed, or to ask more questions/show concern directly to him?

I just wonder if his peers might be the thing that breaks it all down for him eventually and shows him that this is not normal.

Also, just to make it clear, a perforated ear drum is an injury that commonly occurs after a blow to the side of the head. He's had that plus stitches to head plus a possibly broken wrist in the last 3 months.

For info;

safelives.org.uk/sites/default/files/resources/MARAC%20FAQs%20General%20FINAL.pdf

Do you have a local domestic abuse charity? Try to involve them. It is technically possible that the 3 recent physical injuries are due to "falls" but highly unlikely .She is escalating the abuse. This can often happen in abusive relationships when the abuser senses the victim is pulling away and they are losing control. They escalate their behaviours to try to get the victim back in line.

This is worth a look, the DASH assessment is used by professional when assessing risk in abusive relationships. I know you can't ask him these questions but It can give you a guideline/pointers for things to look out for and things to include in conversations with police and DA advisers.

safelives.org.uk/sites/default/files/resources/Dash%20risk%20checklist%20quick%20start%20guidance%20FINAL.pdf

Police or an adviser from a local abuse charity worker (IDVA) can refer to MARAC (Multi Agency Risk Assessment Conference) even without your son knowing, and all the agencies (police, college, social services, GP, hospital etc) can share information and work out a plan to support your son, though he would need to engage with them which is obviously tricky. But it is really important to have all those agencies involved so they have all the information and are resources that can be pulled on if he is ever able to engage.

It is very very difficult for an abused person to leave the relationship. I think there's a stat that says it takes someone on average 7 attempts to leave before they are successful. Also, the point of leaving the relationship can also be the most dangerous. So in some ways your son's behaviour is entirely normal for someone in his position. It's not about you, in the nicest possible way, it's about him trying to survive and keep himself safe. Keep supporting him, keep telling him you love him and nothing can change that.

Sorry, garbled and disjointed!

Given that things have escalated further, please consider giving ManKind a call. They have a helpline and specialise in supporting male victims of domestic abuse. They will be able to offer some solid advice. Also, keep reporting as things happen. Report that he's had two "accidental" injuries requiring hospital treatment. Report that he's further isolated after leaving college. Report that she won't allow him to take a private phone call. Safeguarding is usually about piecing together lots of smaller things to build a bigger picture.
https://mankind.org.uk/

Geez @PurpleLampShades I'm so sorry to read this. Massive hugs to you. I honestly think I'd be at the point of going down the private investigator route at this stage, especially given the injuries 😔. Feels extreme to suggest and I've no idea if that's a possibility for you, but keep seeking advice, updating services on anything and everything relevant and banging the drum for your boy 💜

If you haven't already, please contact his GP to flag up a concern. Hopefully this will create an alert on his record if he needs medical attention again.

I've been reading since your first thread but can't remember whether a request under Clare's Law was made. I know men rarely report women's abuse, but it's worth a go.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Oh Purple 😔 I'm just gutted for you and your poor boy.
Once again praying that he breaks free of her and comes back to you safely.

I’m so sorry, Purple. I know it hasn’t helped so far but given the likely physical, as well as mental, abuse now (that they indeed noted themselves at the contact centre) have you spoken again to social services and the police? I think in the past taking a circumspect approach was to avoid him retreating completely, but I’m not sure you have that concern at this point

Oh purple I'm so very sorry, I know how much you wanted him to stay in college.

Would you consider a private detective or trying to speak to her family? I don't know what else could be an option but the physical injuries would really make me frantic. A young healthy lad would not easily break a bone 😞.

Oh purple another poster that's been here from the beginning and I'm so sad to see your update. I was so hoping for good news.

I can't imagine your pain. Your poor son. I do hope eventually he will see this is so wrong.

Sending you a big hug 🫂 x You have been amazing throughout all of this.

I'm so sorry to read this update. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you

Îm new here and have just read all your messages and my blood is boiling for your son and you. Maybe this has been suggested but would it be worth getting advice from a solicitor specialised in domestic abuse/ abuse of vulnerable ? Just to see if there’s anything else that can be done? Îm so sorry you are going through this x

I have no advice or wise words for you @PurpleLampShades but im so very sorry to read your update.

Can you find her family, I know they have disowned her, but maybe if you explain the situation they could try and convince her that what she is doing to him is abuse. Clutching at straws here thinking of you xx

I'm so sorry Purple to hear this
I've followed you from the beginning.Your descriptions make me shudder.
We had a similar situation in our family a few years ago
One of my family members was recently divorced and lonely.He tried OND, and met a woman.My god I swear she was a narcissist.She gradually separated him from all of us, dictated what he wore who he spoke to, what he ate.It was awful but he couldn't see it.
He was 50 years old, so it's not all youngsters that get sucked in.
Anyway, eventually he had the strength to end it thank god .Took him years to get over it and 15 years later can't face another relationship.
One thing that strikes me is if your son was female would more be done about it.?
Good luck

This is heartbreaking. 😔 How old is he now Purple?

It might be worth a call to your local DV team to ask their advice. For example can it be logged with his gp and his local A+E that he's vulnerable and showing signs of being abused? I'm not sure if it can or not. Ask what do they advise people do if they have concerns about a loved one.

Is there anything the local safeguarding duty team can do or advise? I guess it will depend on age which team would be involved.

It must be maddening as well, I'd be wanting to abduct him and whisk him away from her. 😭

Oh OP, my heart breaks for you and your son. My partner was also abused, controlled and isolated by a girlfriend at a similar age (she was similar age to him though). He still carries the scars, both physically and emotionally, but he has broken loose and is now in a loving relationship with someone who values and loves him so much (if I do say so myself) and his life has done a complete 180! So there is hope, there is always hope, you just gotta hold on and one day he'll be back to you and in a better place!!

I'm so sorry. Especially about him leaving college.

Can you hire a private investigator? They might be able to collect evidence that you could use?