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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

215 replies

ZeeB68 · 01/11/2023 09:05

Hi, so I've just given birth to my 3rd baby 2 weeks ago. My mother in law lives abroad and came over for the birth of the baby. Including my husband she has 3 children and 5 grandchildren before who she has never been able to see as babies or their births due to not being able to get a visa. My husband really wanted because of this that if this time his mum got a visa he wanted me to take his mum with me in the delivery room for the birth of our baby. She came here a month ago, I'm very independent and like my own space,my first two children are 8 and 6 so in full time school now,for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy she wouldn't let me go out alone,not even to pick the kids up she would just bring herself along on school pick up, my appointments, a couple of times I just wanted to go shopping alone and she wouldn't let me go without her. She's here till January, even in the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't get to rest, she did nothing to help around the house, the bedsheets in her room were on for 2 weeks at that point so I put clean ones on the end of the bed to try and get her to take the hint but she waited until I just changed them myself. On 18th October I went into labour,gave birth to my daughter, I had a huge bleed as soon as she came out plus 2nd degree tear and plus other lacerations which needed stitching too. I have been hoping yo breastfeed as I couldn't breast feed my first two due to the same issue of loosing a lot of blood after delivery and milk not coming in properly. After they sorted me out and I finally got to see my baby, I started breast feeding her, she was on for 20 minutes and my mother in law then just said " that's enough" and took my baby off my breast and out of my arms and gave her a bottle, the midwife who was in the room later spoke to me about this as she saw and told me I shouldn't be taking baby off the breast I should let her come off herself. I let it go because my mother in law has never seen one of her grandchildren be born.
I came home the next day,could barely walk with a 1 say old baby and the house was a mess,I came home and went upstairs and started crying whilst trying to clean in pain, his mum just turned round and said to me " oh I'm old I can't clean" (she's 49!) This is the woman who claimed she wanted to stay here at our house during her stay here in the UK to help so I could rest and recover. I cried many times about this to my husband but he always takes his mums side. Since then things have just got worse, the comments my mother in law has been making,
Such as , " stop picking the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
She's also given me dirty looks every time baby is hungry and she asks make her a bottle and I say no I want to breastfeed her and she gives me a dirty look and says ok.
She's called me " very fat" from the legs down on numerous occasions since I have given birth even though I am back down to my pre pregnancy weight 2 weeks after birth.
I took baby to school last wednsday after my older kids kept asking me to bring their new baby sister to school, she of course said she was coming even though I told my husband to tell her I wanted to go alone ( she doesn't speak great English) she won't let me bath baby,she takes her downstairs when my older 2 kids are at school and I just want to rest in bed with baby. She keeps putting pressure on me to bottle feed her and only give her my " breast milk at night" which I've explained will not help my already low supply. She says I can't go out until the baby is older and forces me to leave baby at home with her and pick kids up.
She ( forcefully) went to stay at my sister in law's house the last 5 days,and she has told my husband she is coming back on Friday because she apparently " can't stay away longer she needs to come back " my husband said those where the words.i started crying and begged him to just tell her to stay at his sister's longer because I can't cope with her,she takes over,she doesn't advise she tells me what to do and my husband just lets her say and do whatever she wants to me and sides with her. I don't know what to do honestly,I don't want an argument with my husband as I should be enjoying my last baby as she is our last one. I don't want to cause problems but I don't want her coming back here,I've enjoyed the last 5 days at home with my 3 kids,I've managed,cooked,cleaned took the kids out everything on my own and managed just fine ( as I knew I would this is my 3rd not 1st) it's ruined my last few days with my kids as well at the though of her coming back.
Aibu ? I really can't cope and she's making me I'll,I don't know what the best way to go about this is? As I know if I say something to my husband it will all kick off but at the same time I know I can't go on like this.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 01/11/2023 11:24

"When my husband travels to Pakistan alone without me and the kids, he will sleep in the [same] bed as his mum"

Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us
Weefreetiffany · 01/11/2023 11:22

Nazzywish · 01/11/2023 11:07

Stop letting them walk all over you. And until you say something to her she won't stop,these women need putting in their place and the son will never do it.ever. if you allow this to continue she will get more demanding so you need to tell her yourself if it results in a full out argument then so be it, but trust me she will come crawling back after so just let rip OP. Your husband will be annoyed for awhile but u need to stand up for yourself now and he too will fall into line and if he doesn't then honestly bide your time and come up with a plan but what he is doing is nothing in line with Islam and as a revert you should stand your ground. Right for him to provide for you and kids, right as a women to have your own space/home. Right to breastfeed for 2 years islamically, right for 40 days of rest etc. you just need to set boundaries and quite frankly speak up because he's taking the piss and so is she, there's nothing islamic about it, they're doing the exact opposite if anything! Tell her to make you the traditional pakistani food for post birth - busy her with tasks like that so she feels of use and give her specific tasks.

Absolutely this! I think it’s extra hard for reverts to fit in and they end up dominated by cultural customs rather than Islamic ones and don’t get the respect they deserve. So you need to set the boundaries according to your religion and not lift a finger. Even if it means the house is a mess etc. You will never please this woman so don’t try. She is not treating you like family. Your husband needs to be doing his duty by you. Bring your mum over as you need someone to care for you. If your mil and husband don’t like it they can go to SIL. But I would not want to stay with a man who has so little regard for my wellness and welfare.

Original poster
ZeeB68 · 01/11/2023 11:21

@Crazycrazylady that's the thing,I genuinely believe he wouldn't care if I left and was serious he still wouldn't put anything before his mum. He's told me in the past that if " I make his mum uncomfortable to be at our house or made her feel unwelcome he would leave me "
I genuinely just believe he wouldn't care, they have a weird relationship. When my husband travels to Pakistan alone without me and the kids,he will sleep in the bed as his mum ( he's almost 31) whilst he's their, whilst I put the kids to bed and am upstairs he will stay downstairs with his mum spending time with her till 11pm/12am every night. They just have a very weird relationship, I understand it's his mum and I respect that,I have my own son too and love him unconditionally but I wouldn't expect him to be that way with me at almost 31 years old, I wouldn't go in-between him and his wife too I would encourage him to spend time with his wife and family not keep him seperate every night downstairs with me.
I know when it comes to his mum I have no space for him,that's the upsetting thing. But at the same time I don't want to leave him as we now have 3 children together. I think if he was on my side and supported me I would be able to cope with her because alot of the stuff she wouldn't do it. But I don't believe that day will ever come.

OP posts:
readingmakesmehappy · 01/11/2023 11:20

@ZeeB68 that's outrageous of him. Why is his mother more valuable than yours? Actually your mother is a much more desirable visitor because she'll actually help! If your mother can't come to you, then you should do as PPs suggest and go to her until MIL leaves. I am so sorry for you that your husband is not supporting you as he should.

Original poster
ZeeB68 · 01/11/2023 11:15

@readingmakesmehappy
That's the point my husband won't let my mum stay, she has been asking too as she's only seen the new baby twice, the first time for a couple of hours at the hospital on the day she was born and the 2nd time last Saturday again Only for a couple of hours. She keeps asking when she can stay over to spend time with the kids and new baby but every time I ask my husband about her staying he says no.

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 01/11/2023 11:14

Absolutely pack your kids up and go to your moms for a few days. air it clear to your husband that you won't be coming back while she is there. I think you need to show him you're serious.

Sirzy · 01/11/2023 11:11

Somethings are more important than school.

get you and the children to your Mums, give yourself some space so you can step back and think about what next.

readingmakesmehappy · 01/11/2023 11:11

Surely she needs to leave so there's space for your own mother to come and stay...?

Nazzywish · 01/11/2023 11:07

Stop letting them walk all over you. And until you say something to her she won't stop,these women need putting in their place and the son will never do it.ever. if you allow this to continue she will get more demanding so you need to tell her yourself if it results in a full out argument then so be it, but trust me she will come crawling back after so just let rip OP. Your husband will be annoyed for awhile but u need to stand up for yourself now and he too will fall into line and if he doesn't then honestly bide your time and come up with a plan but what he is doing is nothing in line with Islam and as a revert you should stand your ground. Right for him to provide for you and kids, right as a women to have your own space/home. Right to breastfeed for 2 years islamically, right for 40 days of rest etc. you just need to set boundaries and quite frankly speak up because he's taking the piss and so is she, there's nothing islamic about it, they're doing the exact opposite if anything! Tell her to make you the traditional pakistani food for post birth - busy her with tasks like that so she feels of use and give her specific tasks.

SunRainStorm · 01/11/2023 11:06

VestPantsandSocks · 01/11/2023 10:22

  1. Deep breath
  2. You need to grey rock her. Ignore her suggestions.
  3. This is your third child so you know what you need to do. So just do it.
  4. Keep repeating to her 'No thank you - I will do it this way'
  5. She will not change, dont waste your energy trying.

Yep this

2jacqi · 01/11/2023 11:03

and she is here for another couple of months??? good heavens I would be in jail for attempted murder if i was you! you need to set her straight and tell her no! This is your baby, not hers!! Let her sleep in a filthy bed, at her age there is absolutely nothing which makes her incapable of changing bed sheets and using a washing machine. your hubby needs to get some balls and tell her to go!

therealcookiemonster · 01/11/2023 10:54

you have a dh problem, not a mil problem. he's being a dick.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/11/2023 10:50

You cannot go on like this @ZeeB68

You need to leave your husband. He doesn't not put you first - he doesn't care about you or your needs.

You need to put yourself and your children first here.

Climbingthehillfast · 01/11/2023 10:47

Either you go or the mil goes - she’s ruining your life right now and he’s being a prick

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 01/11/2023 10:46

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 01/11/2023 09:55

Fuck school.
You need to pack up you and the kids and leave. Go to your mum.
Your husband and mil are monsters!

You need to leave him!

I unfortunately agree.

You need to make it very clear to H that this is unaccetable and that he has to deal with it.

Notlikelysaidthedragontothefly · 01/11/2023 10:34

I agree with pp- take your children and stay with your Mother.
In the nicest possible way, you have had 3 children-you’re a mama bear and you’ve developed some resilience- don’t allow yourself to be pushed around like this! Don’t be afraid of telling some home truths to your MIL and DH: nothing wrong with a little altercation to get your point across and stand your ground.

TeaGinandFags · 01/11/2023 10:24

Go and stay with your mum. Even a long journey will be better than this. That way you will be looked sfter and given a chance to properly bond with uour baby.

You mentioned your religion. The YouTube imans say that a man has to put his wife first and that a husband's job is to care for and protect his wife and children. Could you not get clerical support?

It's common in many cultures for grandmothers to look after new mothers around the birth. Victorians had a 10 day confinement where a new mum laid in bed bonding with her baby.

What this time is not about is some old bird acting up and being a burden on the new mum. DH should also be taking a long hard look at himself.

You deserve better, OP.

VestPantsandSocks · 01/11/2023 10:22
  1. Deep breath
  2. You need to grey rock her. Ignore her suggestions.
  3. This is your third child so you know what you need to do. So just do it.
  4. Keep repeating to her 'No thank you - I will do it this way'
  5. She will not change, dont waste your energy trying.
rainbowstardrops · 01/11/2023 10:18

I absolutely would not allow her back in your home!!!! I'd tell DH that in no uncertain terms and if he refuses to tell her that then fuck school and take yourself and the children to your mum's! You can ring the school and explain the situation.
Do not tolerate being abused by these people!

Gremlins101 · 01/11/2023 10:12

What a nightmare for you. She is countering every peice of healthy advice out there. I don't know what to suggest , but she cannot stay and you have to make this clear regardless of the consequences with your husband. She is awful and he is out of order.

TentChristmas · 01/11/2023 10:10

But seriously, even if you have to pull your kids out of school for a few weeks, tell them it’s a hot kids and stay with your mum. No one should be removing your baby and stopping g you breast feeding. Get a sling and don’t let her take the baby or come back.

Doopydoo · 01/11/2023 10:10

I would take the kids out of school and go to your mothers.
You are being abused by both your husband and his mother.
Stand up for yourself.

TentChristmas · 01/11/2023 10:09

Oh fuck no that’s all levels of wrong. 49 is still when some women are having their own babies!

Tell your DH that she isn’t even changing her own sheets. Just leave her new ones and leave her in dirty ones if she won’t change. Till January!? Tell him she goes now. She took baby off you in the delivery room? She’s beyond. Of course you owe her nothing. Get your mum to come and stay and make a show of helping you.

Ibravedaflood · 01/11/2023 10:09

Get a sling and literally keep tori baby with you. Can you ask a hv to come round and see you? Your dh needs talking to with her present. You newborn needs you not fucking grandma... Or dh can pack his stuff and go home to mummy.

takealettermsjones · 01/11/2023 10:06

You're being abused. I'm sorry. I agree with PPs - take the kids and go.