Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

just wanted to add that for successful breastfeeding you need to be hydrated and have the extra calories. You don’t need to be back at your prebirth weight and having that as a goal will only hinder breastfeeding. You need an extra 500 calories and litre of fluids a day and enough rest so they go to milk making not stress management! Go immediately to bed with a plate of something you fancy and stay there with baby! Congratulations on your new addition and having the strength of character to put up with the family nonsense.

This pissed me off. I wouldn't care anymore what your MIL thinks. I would tell her exactly what the rules are in your house. Your DH can join her at SIL if he doesn't like it.

I agree.

The children are fine to miss school for the sake of your sanity.
Your husband sounds awful, your MIL even worse. I’d not stay home to have her pushed on me in my own home.

This is very sad. I Don't know what advice to give as I understand a lot of this is due to culture😭.

Oh my fucking god! This is so many levels of fucked up!! You need to get your shit together, you are a western woman in a western country, no need to entertain this backward shite. Either get yourself out of there, to your mothers with your children or enlist help from your GP and HV to get rid of this pair. Phone the home office if you need to and get this woman removed from your home. Stop with the 'my DH won't let me' won't let you?!? Wtf century are we in?

I'm afraid you've got a cultural problem. The husband's mother is top of the pecking order and as the DIL you are expected to honour her, as well as cook and clean for her. You are also expected to (more or less) hand your child over to her and obey every word she says about childcare. She knows best in everything. Your DH will never, ever see any of this as unacceptable no matter how much you cry. When MIL says she is too old to do housework (at 49) what she actually means is she is too superior to do it. She is superior to you. I wish you luck and strength, but I don't think you are going to win this one.

I know it is easier said than done but you need to ignore her digs and dirty looks and also ignore her.
Stop cleaning/tidying up after herself. Keep saying ‘but the whole point of having you here was to help me’.
Sneakily get ready to go out so when you put your coat on she hasn’t time to get ready herself.
If she tries to prevent you from taking your baby outside just say ‘I’m the mum so I decide’ and do it. If she tried to take the baby off you say firmly ‘this is my baby, I decide what happens’ and turn away.

Or tell your husband that you will stay at your mum until MIL leaves. She can handle the school pickups she is supposedly here to help, can’t she?

I'll be very clear here, you need to get out. Others have said you are in an abusive relationship, that's obvious but you are literally being kept prisoner.
Your MIL isn't stalking you out of concern or even malice ,she's keeping an eye on you,making sure you cannot get away.
You are not allowed others In the home, no help escaping this prison.
You've said your husband has threatened to leave you,do you honestly believe he will leave without the kids?
He has every opportunity to whisk them off to Pakistan.
Your Mil is abusive to your older daughter, do you want her raised feeling like she's worthless and more importantly married off to goodness knows who,if she does get abducted by your husband .
You are being abused, don't let your children become victims in this.
Encouragement to confront your husband and MIL is meant well ,but in this situation at best won't work,at worst dangerous as it could provoke a bad outcome.
Don't involve your SIL, her first loyalty is to her immediate family . You wait until there is an opportunity to be alone, call your mum,tell her you are coming ( if you can make a call without being heard) .Your mum can sort out with the relevant agencies a refuge for you and the kids ,your husbands first port of call will be your mums so you cannot stay there. You also need to speak to the police,tell them your children are at risk of abduction.
If there's an opportunity when you will be alone for a short while, maybe under the guise of visiting with your SIL with your kids, you take the opportunity and run. If MIL won't let you go anywhere without you,wait till husband is at work,she's either asleep or in bathroom, get kids and leave.
Please don't join the legion of women who's kids have been stolen from them.

Your husband prioritised his mum by her attending the birth, that's done. Now you and your kids should be his priority.

If he can't or won't put you first and stand up to his mum you should leave. Go to your mum with your children, your welfare comes first.

I wouldn't say too much to sil. Go and rest and enjoy your baby x

@ZeeB68 truth is OP, although Asian families can be overbearing, they are usually extremely helpful when mums give birth. you are being treated very unfairly. I personally would be rethinking the marriage.

Yes to this. Time to lose your shit and stop being polite and letting people walk all over you. You can not continue like this.

I couldn’t read your whole post because I was so angry on your behalf. This is YOUR baby. You are not a housekeeper. This lady needs to respect you as a parent.

Baby goes in a sling and you sit and bf as much as you like. Do not change her sheets or do other households cleaning tasks. She helps out or she goes.

I would be having a VERY clear conversation today with my husband that if he doesn’t speak to his mother today, you will be leaving. You must speak up for yourself and not let them treat you this way.

This is terrible. Regardless of having 3 kids with this man you need to split up!!!

Op she's 49, does she not have a job, to go back to?

I'd take your kids and baby and go visit your own mum. Is it half term where you are. Even if it's not an extra week off school will do no harm you need someone to have your back.

Go see your mum

I’m Pakistani and most of what you are saying is the cultural bad stuff. This isn’t how your MIL would treat her daughter who had just given birth.

I agree with previous poster, put the baby in a sling and baby stays with you.

You wouldn’t have to be upstairs bf if there weren’t that many extra people in the house.

I would either tell DH him and his mum are going to his sisters house or that you and all the kids are going to your mums. This isn’t about asking. This is about him not putting your needs first. Yes his mother has a high status in Islam but you’ve just given birth and your needs and privacy and needs have to be met.

Get everyone’s stuff together and go.

OP I think you have 2 options for right now: 1. Invite your mum to come and stay immediately. Don't need to run this by your husband. You don't need his permission, you need help. You are the one who needs someone to support you and he isn't prepared to do that. 2. Leave and go to your mum's with the kids. Take them out of school for a week.

Going forward, it sounds like your husband is doing fuck all to help you even though you've just given birth. Even without the extra shit your MIL is doing, he should be picking up the slack with cleaning, cooking and whatnot. Your MIL will go away at some point, but you'll still be with a man who watches you in pain and is okay with that rather than help. Think about that. And then leave him.

^^ This op! A thousand times over this! Leave your dh to cope with his mother and take the baby and go and stay elsewhere; at your parents or at a friend’s. Tell them you are desperate. Don’t underplay it op. This is serious. You are being disrespected in your own home.

If the above is not feasible then you need a family member or friend to move in with you now to help you and protect you from your dh and mil.

it’s your home too. You have equal
say. Why should your dh have it all his way? I know you are tired but it’s really important that you assert yourself at this moment op. Good luck.

Do you still love your husband?
Do you still want to be with him?

I can't see why you would, I couldn't love someone who treated me like that.

If you can, and you don't still love and want to be with him, I would leave. Permanently. I know life is bloody hard with a newborn but it doesn't sound like you're getting much, if any, help from him.

I would be telling your husband your mum is staying with you, not asking. If his mum can stay for months, your mum can stay a few nights - or however long you like.

If moving in with your mum is an option, do that. I know it's a massive upheaval for you and the older kids but staying is just not working.

As for dealing with the MIL. Do you need to bottle feed at all? Has it been advised by the midwives / HVs? Are you using them while the MIL is away? If not, get rid of the bottles, or stash them away somewhere. Before the MIL returns.

As you know, bfing works on supply and demand, so your supply can improve to replace the feeds you've been bottle feeding.
You don't need to let her take the baby when she tries.
If he wants to leave you because his mum feels unwelcome, let him. It sounds like you'd be better off without them both. Although I appreciate that brings a whole new world of custody and their influence on the kids when you're not with them etc. But I could not stay with a man like that.

Your latest update is absolutely awful. You are in an abusive marriage, it's that simple. Your poor DC and poor you. You need to leave and take the kids and divorce him ASAP. I don't know logistically how you'd do it, but you really need to.

There is no way I'd have married him and had not 1, but 3 children with him in the first place but it's done now. For god's sake don't live the rest of your life with this wet blanket mummy's boy though. Your children will see how he's treating you.

It’s very simple, you need time to recover and your husband and his mother are not allowing that

so pack bag, take the baby and go and stay at your mothers for a couple of weeks

your husband and his mother can take care of the older two

He cannot refuse your dm to stay when his does!! I would be presenting him with a packed bag and a 1 way ticket.. Get your dm over for support when you tell him to fuck off.

Stop asking your husband and tell him your mum is coming.

Or better yet - go stay with her

I realise this sounds crazy OP - but in the light of your recent update, are you absolutely certain she is his Mum?

Do you want your children learning that how you are being treated is normal?

You need to get you and your children out of the situation. Even if just for a few weeks to let you weigh up your options (and see how he responds when he realises you are going to stand up for yourself and your children)