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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

215 replies

ZeeB68 · 01/11/2023 09:05

Hi, so I've just given birth to my 3rd baby 2 weeks ago. My mother in law lives abroad and came over for the birth of the baby. Including my husband she has 3 children and 5 grandchildren before who she has never been able to see as babies or their births due to not being able to get a visa. My husband really wanted because of this that if this time his mum got a visa he wanted me to take his mum with me in the delivery room for the birth of our baby. She came here a month ago, I'm very independent and like my own space,my first two children are 8 and 6 so in full time school now,for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy she wouldn't let me go out alone,not even to pick the kids up she would just bring herself along on school pick up, my appointments, a couple of times I just wanted to go shopping alone and she wouldn't let me go without her. She's here till January, even in the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't get to rest, she did nothing to help around the house, the bedsheets in her room were on for 2 weeks at that point so I put clean ones on the end of the bed to try and get her to take the hint but she waited until I just changed them myself. On 18th October I went into labour,gave birth to my daughter, I had a huge bleed as soon as she came out plus 2nd degree tear and plus other lacerations which needed stitching too. I have been hoping yo breastfeed as I couldn't breast feed my first two due to the same issue of loosing a lot of blood after delivery and milk not coming in properly. After they sorted me out and I finally got to see my baby, I started breast feeding her, she was on for 20 minutes and my mother in law then just said " that's enough" and took my baby off my breast and out of my arms and gave her a bottle, the midwife who was in the room later spoke to me about this as she saw and told me I shouldn't be taking baby off the breast I should let her come off herself. I let it go because my mother in law has never seen one of her grandchildren be born.
I came home the next day,could barely walk with a 1 say old baby and the house was a mess,I came home and went upstairs and started crying whilst trying to clean in pain, his mum just turned round and said to me " oh I'm old I can't clean" (she's 49!) This is the woman who claimed she wanted to stay here at our house during her stay here in the UK to help so I could rest and recover. I cried many times about this to my husband but he always takes his mums side. Since then things have just got worse, the comments my mother in law has been making,
Such as , " stop picking the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
She's also given me dirty looks every time baby is hungry and she asks make her a bottle and I say no I want to breastfeed her and she gives me a dirty look and says ok.
She's called me " very fat" from the legs down on numerous occasions since I have given birth even though I am back down to my pre pregnancy weight 2 weeks after birth.
I took baby to school last wednsday after my older kids kept asking me to bring their new baby sister to school, she of course said she was coming even though I told my husband to tell her I wanted to go alone ( she doesn't speak great English) she won't let me bath baby,she takes her downstairs when my older 2 kids are at school and I just want to rest in bed with baby. She keeps putting pressure on me to bottle feed her and only give her my " breast milk at night" which I've explained will not help my already low supply. She says I can't go out until the baby is older and forces me to leave baby at home with her and pick kids up.
She ( forcefully) went to stay at my sister in law's house the last 5 days,and she has told my husband she is coming back on Friday because she apparently " can't stay away longer she needs to come back " my husband said those where the words.i started crying and begged him to just tell her to stay at his sister's longer because I can't cope with her,she takes over,she doesn't advise she tells me what to do and my husband just lets her say and do whatever she wants to me and sides with her. I don't know what to do honestly,I don't want an argument with my husband as I should be enjoying my last baby as she is our last one. I don't want to cause problems but I don't want her coming back here,I've enjoyed the last 5 days at home with my 3 kids,I've managed,cooked,cleaned took the kids out everything on my own and managed just fine ( as I knew I would this is my 3rd not 1st) it's ruined my last few days with my kids as well at the though of her coming back.
Aibu ? I really can't cope and she's making me I'll,I don't know what the best way to go about this is? As I know if I say something to my husband it will all kick off but at the same time I know I can't go on like this.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 02/11/2023 11:38

Your husband is horrible.

Nanny0gg · 02/11/2023 11:35

So @ZeeB68 , what are you going to do about it?

You can't live with someone who treats you with such contempt

PaminaMozart · 02/11/2023 11:33

I spoke to husband last night about his mum and it went down as expected, just called me " English brain " as an insult

Total contempt. Your marriage is dead. You need to end this nightmare

Birch101 · 02/11/2023 11:27

Sorry sounds awful.
I think you need to bite the bullet and lay down some home truths. Hell I would even pay for an interpreter to get my point across.
You are not staying in my home. I have not asked nor do I want your opinion on how to look after my children. If I want your opinion I will ask for it. You have no right to give advice on subjects you have no expertise in. You have been a guest in my home and been very rude in not helping with household tasks. I am not your housemaid. You have come into my home and behaved appalingly.
If you want a relationship in the future with your grandchildren then you will do so on my terms.
Husband needs a wake up call too.

Original poster
ZeeB68 · 02/11/2023 11:20

@Pumpkinpie1 I don't know my husband has always just had an issue with my mum. I think the main reason is because my mum has a different mentality and I've kind of adapted to their way of thinking over the years.
I wouldn't leave my older two with both of them, the day I gave birth and the day after that I was in hospital they didn't even bother to sort the kids properly for school, my daughter those two days went to school with unbrushed messy hair ( bless her my daughter tried sorting her own hair out) my husband I can understand not being able to sort her hair out but my mother in law left her with unbrushed messy hair and both kids went to school without brushing their teeth or washing their faces. Mil knows their routine, she made no effort to make sure the kids went to school fresh and looking decent. Kids also came to visit me in hospital and the first family pictured they looked a mess it upset me So I don't feel comfortable they would look after them properly.

My mother in law came to the UK to "help" before and after the birth of baby, how funny is that , so she was always going to stay at ours more than sol,she only went this week forcefully, she's been here the last month so I don't understand why she can't stay their a couple more weeks to spend time with her daughter and other grandkids. She only wants to come back tomorrow because schools starting on Monday and she doesn't want me to take baby to school and leave baby with her. She called me yesterday asking if I'd managed to cook anything 😐 I've managed everything perfectly fine,she keeps forgetting this is my third.

All's she does Is just lie down on the sofa, watching TV. Not even English channels too.we only have the one TV down stairs and she won't let anyone else watch not even the kids.always just Urdu shows and I just stare at the walls.

I spoke to husband last night about his mum and it went down as expected, just called me " English brain " as an insult

OP posts:
Tiredbehyondbelief · 02/11/2023 11:19

You can always ask your GP a sick note stating you need plenty of rest after your blood loss. It takes 4-6 weeks for iron level to getbacktonormal. I am a registered midwife. If you call your GP surgery today and mention you had a baby 2 weeks ago you will get an emergency appointment. If the receptionist is asking why tell them you are struggling with mental health. Suicide is the leading cause of maternal death in the UK. If you mention mental health you will be prioritised. I am sure your GP will write a sympathetic letter to show to your husband. It doesn't need to mention mental health, just your blood loss and you need for rest

Tiredbehyondbelief · 02/11/2023 11:11

In relation to Pumpkinpie1 post - an excellent idea! Take your newborn and go and stay with your mum until your mil moves out. I bet your husband will see the light very quickly. Just make sure your take your children's passports with or notify the Foreign office your husband cannot apply for them without your knowledge

Pumpkinpie1 · 02/11/2023 10:50

OP the way your husband and MIL are treating you is not acceptable.
You are risking long term health issues because of their abusive and NEGLIGENT behaviour.
Please be honest with your Midwife / Health visitor about their behaviour, it’s dangerous.
The only person who has your best interests at heart is your mum. So why then is your husband trying to isolate you from her support?
Having a baby is hard and you need time away from these people
Why can’t your h and his mother look after your older two so they can attend school whilst you recuperate at your mums.
You need space and time to heal you aren’t going to get it with these abusive people.
Why hasnt your SIL OFFERED to take in your MIL ? She doesn’t sound much of a support to me

Tiredbehyondbelief · 02/11/2023 10:05

Giving your children's passports to your mum is definitely a good idea. Or at least informing the Foreign Office for children not to be let out of the country. If you think that you children don't yet have passports please double check with the passport authorities that's definitely the case.

Cakeorchocolate · 02/11/2023 09:35

Has anyone linked any domestic abuse helplines?
Does anyone know how to get MNHQ to read to link some appropriate places gor OP to contact?

Did they behave this way while you were pregnant?
Every appointment I had with my midwife I was asked about abuse. Please be honest with your midwife + / or your HV, whoever you see.
They ask for a reason.

You need to get out OP, with all of your children. If your older 2 have passports I'd post them to your mum so your dh and MIL can't take them without you / your permission.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 02/11/2023 09:19

I am a white woman married to an Asian man. I am afraid the situation with your mother in law is a cultural thing. I am not saying your marriage is doomed as we have been married for almost 25 years. You husband probably have some good qualities. However he is not in a position to say anything to his mum, it's a cultural taboo. Your mil is coming back tomorrow and is here till January. I am not sure taking kids out of school and going to stay with your mum is a workable idea. Can't your own mum come over and stay locally till January? Or at least come every weekend for moral and practical support? Also speak to your GP and health visitor. You need somehow ride this time till January. In the future, simply say no having your mil staying in your house.

RampantIvy · 02/11/2023 09:15

Is your home in joint names? If so, then your mum has as much right to stay with you as his mum does. I would try and get your mum to come and stay now. His mum can stay with other family members.

rainbowstardrops · 02/11/2023 08:53

ZeeB68 · 01/11/2023 11:15

@readingmakesmehappy
That's the point my husband won't let my mum stay, she has been asking too as she's only seen the new baby twice, the first time for a couple of hours at the hospital on the day she was born and the 2nd time last Saturday again Only for a couple of hours. She keeps asking when she can stay over to spend time with the kids and new baby but every time I ask my husband about her staying he says no.

Why are you tolerating that??? His mum can stay, so why does he get to dictate that your mum can't?!
I posted yesterday and I reiterate what I said then. Pack your kids up and go to your mum's. Explain the situation to the school.
This is not an equal marriage at all!

Suusue · 02/11/2023 08:27

Get your mother to stay until that old witch goes back. Your husband is awful . You have no one on your side there so you have to take control. Whatever she says or does tell her to mind her own business. Don't go into her room. Don't do anything for her. She is a mean nasty controlling old bat and your husband is no better I'm afraid. Don't allow this.

ElfZwolf · 01/11/2023 21:08

Would the health visitor tell your husband that hosting visitors is affecting your health and milk supply? That your MIL and these other family need to leave you alone with your baby?

I am sorry you are going through this. What a horrible situation.

I agree with taking all three kids to your mum's for a couple of weeks. They are only 6 and 8 and you need the safe space.

Your husband sounds like a moron.

cactidream · 01/11/2023 20:50

to be honest, I am shocked that you still want to be with your husband and in this family
I would leave ASAP
stay with your mom- anything will be better than that
your daughter's watching how he and he's family is treating you- that's horrible

ButterMyParsnip · 01/11/2023 20:41

Oh @ZeeB68 if you were my friend I'd give you a massive hug. You're dealing with a lot right now. You're an experienced mother, stop doubting yourself. Your other children sound lovely, you clearly know better than your MIL. Try to rise above her comments and if you're really struggling, head to your mum's for support and let them both sort out getting the other two children to school.

BananaHamster · 01/11/2023 20:11

Whenever she makes a nasty comment "can you stop Sandra! Your comments are unnecessary, if you cannot be kind or be helpful then you need to go stay at your daughters house. the stress your putting on me is making me unwell."

Just be blunt, to the point since your husband is a useless mummy's boy.

greengreengrass25 · 01/11/2023 20:06

Who does this to their dil

She should be helping you if she's staying not making more work

Makes me really angry that she criticises you try to feed your baby

Wrongsideofpennines · 01/11/2023 20:01

Honestly reading all this is making me so angry on your behalf. You need to get back up to stop this situation. You need the Health Visitor or midwife or your sister in law or your own mum to come and speak with your husband and tell her your MIL needs to go.

You need to get a sling or wrap and fasten your baby to you. That way she can't take over and you can breastfeed your baby when you need to. If she continues to have bottles then your milk supply will dwindle and you will end up resenting your MIL forever for ending your breastfeeding journey. Perhaps its worth telling her and your husband this. That if she keeps taking over and criticising with the baby then she won't be welcome in the house again and won't have a relationship with her grandchildren at all.

You need to tell them this, and don't mince your words. Tell her she had her chance to raise her children and it is your turn and you won't be doing it her way.

billy1966 · 01/11/2023 18:53

You are being abused and bullied by your husband and his mother.

Unfortunately the only person who can change this is you.

Tell your GP and health visitor.

Ask for help.

Ring Women's aid for help.

I am so sorry.

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 01/11/2023 18:51

It's really breaking my heart the feeding situation, the dirty looks she gives and the constant " your not getting enough milk"

You answer should be "No I'm, not because I'm stressed and tired. Now please make me a cup of tea, run the hoover and leave me alone so I can rest and relax. Thank you"

Ibravedaflood · 01/11/2023 18:46

Imo you bf is the only thing stopping mil keeping your dc full stop.. With dh's support it seems. Maybe ask a friend to keep your dc's passports just in case.. They sound unhinged..

Sapphire387 · 01/11/2023 17:39

This is genuinely terrible. Please confide in your mum. Do you actually love your husband? Because I would struggle to respect any man who put his mother above his wife in these circumstances. You know they will never change.

Snugglemonkey · 01/11/2023 17:20

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 01/11/2023 09:55

Fuck school.
You need to pack up you and the kids and leave. Go to your mum.
Your husband and mil are monsters!

You need to leave him!

This.